Looking through old posts on this blog, which was started quite a long time ago, is like looking through my parents’ old photo albums when I visit their house. I read stories I wrote about our parenting adventure that I had forgotten, lessons I’ve learned in life and keep relearning. I find memories, some that make me laugh, some that give me a lump in my throat, that have gotten covered up by others falling on top of them in my mind like stacks of papers getting dusty from no one shuffling through them for a while. Sometimes I read what I wrote and think, “Wow, was that me writing that?” I haven’t written for a long time and miss it. It helps me process what I’m feeling, thinking and learning, even though apparently I forget those things before too long.

For reasons I won’t go into detail explaining, the past 9-10 years were peppered with chronic stress and anxiety, which caused some depression, and often numbness. I usually need emotion to fuel my writing and it wasn’t there most of the time. It’s funny what stress was doing to me in spite of my best coping strategies. I hadn’t realized a lot of the side effects until recently when I’ve come out from under most of it.

I can honestly say that I am feeling happy in this time in my life. Not every moment of course, and not every day all day, but there is an over-arching heart-warming contentment, gratitude, and glowing happiness at where I find myself right now. I haven’t felt that way for a long time, honestly don’t know if I’ve ever felt it quite so strongly, and it is so refreshing and life-giving.  It’s like going on a really long, arduous hike up a hot desert mountain with no water bottle, feeling your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth from being so parched, and then finally getting relief as you drink your fill of cold water. In fact, you just might pour it all over yourself! I give credit to God because every good thing in me and in my life is from Him.  I don’t expect these days of feeling happy to always be there because life’s not like that, but I am enjoying it right now! Absolutely thriving in it, is more like it.

I believe hard things are used of God to shape us, strengthen us, prepare us, give us empathy for others, and so much more. They are not wasted, but they are not easy. Sometimes they seem to stretch on and on and on, too, and we wonder how far our little rubber band of a self can take it. God takes us through it all but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to sense Him being there.

I’m 53 years old now and am becoming more adept at not trying to control people and things and outcomes but live in the freedom of soul that comes from just trusting God. Period. I’m learning in new ways, especially during all this pandemic, how to rely on God to truly be all I need and to really enjoy having a relationship with Him. I’m not quite as skilled at remembering I don’t have to perform to have his love or approval, but I’m better than I was years ago. Some lessons will be learned and relearned until I get to heaven, I think!

No matter how you’re feeling or where you stand at this time in your life, God loves YOU, you specifically, so much. I have no doubt He is with you, steady and unchanging, the same as He has been and always will be. He cares about what is happening to you. There will be times of trials and sadness. There will always be things we don’t understand, things that turn out differently than we hoped. Year after year there is fall which leads to winter, but then always spring and summer. And sometimes there will be happiness!