All These Trees are Coming Down

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A lumberjack hiked into the woods with his axe and before chopping down the first tree, noticed a mama bird building a nest in it. He wanted to warn her so he banged on the trunk with the blunt end of his axe until she flew away to another tree. Unfortunately, he had to scare her out of that tree, too, because it would be cut down.

This happened a number of times, until after flitting from tree to tree, the flustered mama bird flew to a high rock to build her nest. She was finally safe. If the lumberjack could have talked to her he would have told her at the start, “You have to find a better place to settle because all these trees are coming down.” 1

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On grief and loss

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This is one of those days when my brother keeps coming to mind. I miss him.

You may have experienced loss and know what grief is like. The emotions often come like waves: sometimes mild, with the quiet lapping of warm memories that bring up other memories, which bring up any myriad of feelings, joy mingling with pain.

Sometimes a wave builds and crashes, rolling in and sending me tumbling around in the surf. I come up for air and see recurring questions bob on the surface around me. Hurt and disappointment over some seemingly unanswered prayers prick my feet like sharp stones on the bottom as I try to gain my footing.

Sometimes, it all recedes, and the low tide reveals an empty damp shoreline of emotional weariness and the resulting numbness. Little “what ifs” scutter about like crabs coming out of hiding.

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What is Comfort Worth Really?

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I don’t know if you’ve heard of the Enneagram or what you think about it’s worth/value, but I have gained a lot of insight into what often “drives” my heart and mind or the heart of mind of some of my friends and family.

According to the Enneagram, I’m a 9 and 9’s are called the “peacemakers.” That sounds very noble, but mostly means I value inner peace and harmony and fear loss of connection with others. I am by nature a conflict-avoider. I want people to get along partly because I care but also partly so it doesn’t cause me inner turmoil (real talk).

I tend to merge with others in decision-making to keep the peace or even “go to sleep” to my own desires and opinions to avoid the discomfort of tension between me and someone else. Anyone out there feeling me in this? Other 9s in the room?

So, in our culture of social media, increasingly sharp, polarizing opinions, and the reality that many are giving up altogether on relationships when there’s disagreement about something, my little mind and heart that crave “all is well” have really struggled to stay engaged.

Lately, I feel God inviting me to grow in the area of investing in and even thriving in relationships with people even when there is conflict.

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In Jesus’ Hands

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A sea of thousands, all ages, all sorts of people seated on the grass around you spreading down the sides of the hill where you stood and spilling into the field below.

They came from all over to see you and hear you teach, hanging on your every word, captivated, not wanting to leave. Now it’s been three days! The problem is: they didn’t bring enough food for three days.

Your disciples could see the need as they scanned the crowd, but must have felt completely perplexed and inadequate when they heard you say:

“Give them something to eat.”

“With what? Our good intentions?”
“We could never have enough money to buy food for all of them!”

“Bring me what you have.”

What they found was enough for one person’s meal.

But in your hands, it became more than enough for thousands!

This story has come to mind several times in the last month or so. I look at the faces of people I love and see needs—situations I find myself in that can be overwhelming.

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Calendar Permissions

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When I started my current job in 2020 I was introduced to the world of Microsoft Outlook for emails and scheduling. It’s like my best friend at work now and is always open on my computer. In Outlook, someone can make you a delegate over their calendar by giving “permissions.”

There are different levels of permission:

  • You can only see the times they are busy, no descriptions
  • You can see the details of their appointments and meetings
  • You can see the details and make changes, invite from their calendar, accept/decline meetings, add or delete items, etc.

I have the highest level of calendar permissions from the faculty I work with – they must trust me and the other admins! With us managing most of their schedule and calendar, they’re more free to do what they are meant to do: care for patients, research, teach medical students/residents, and more.

It seems Holy Spirit wants to be a delegate over my calendar. In the last year or two God revealed to me some selfishness in my heart and attitudes – ugly stuff. I want him to change that in me. One of the ways he’s helping me reframe my thoughts and adjust out of those attitudes is by needing to help my aging parents these last few months. Lots of unplanned trips to hospital, rehab facility, doctors, etc.

Another way He’s teaching me is by giving me the chance now and then to accept and embrace an unexpected opportunity to serve and love someone, often on weekends or days that were going to be free days. My selfish thought is “aw man, I wanted to stay home today and chill or have free time” or other similar whining – you get the idea. Interruptions have never been my favorite – I’m more of a schedule/routine person who likes to know the plan ahead of time, not very spontaneous. But hey, I guess I can learn!

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Lift Your Feet

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Have you noticed at times a specific theme is repeating in your heart and life, a lesson that God is really wanting you to grasp? Or maybe He gives you a word for a time to keep in mind, to motivate and center yourself. Two themes that kept coming to mind for me in the last few years are “Hold loosely the things of this life” and “Lift your feet.” That second one might sound funny so let me describe the imagery that came with the words.

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Got hope?

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I don’t think anyone would argue with me when I say the inhabitants of this world are weary and in need of hope. All throughout the history of mankind it has been that way since the very beginning when people decided to pick their way over God’s way and God let them.

I believe there is still hope to be had. And that’s not just me being optimistic. (although I am pretty optimistic and can be annoyingly so)

Psalms 130: 6 says, “I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning.” I have long thought that verse meant that the watchmen were tired and eager for their shift to end, so they were watching for the sun to finally peek it’s welcome glowing face over the horizon so they could clock out and go home. Recently I heard another perspective: they watch for the sun to rise because every day the sun rises. They are watching and waiting for it to happen because they know it’s going to happen. They can count on it.

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Hello again

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There’s a season for everything. Sometimes a season reappears but feels new because life circumstances have changed and so have we. I used to blog regularly for years and then about five years ago I just stopped. The inspiration or inclination to write just evaporated.

That desire has resurfaced to share thoughts and life lessons in case it’s helpful or interesting to someone else. My heart’s desire has long been to help people feel less alone. We are not meant to travel alone through life. We are meant to walk together, share and learn from each other, help and love each other.

So, if you have time and want to walk and talk with me a bit, I’d love your company.

Thirst

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I’ve said it before and it will probably always be true: if it weren’t for my husband, my houseplants would be dead. I love plants, or at least I say I do, but I forget to water them. It builds endurance, right? I don’t think they appreciate it. I’m sure you’ve had a plant or flower that was a little neglected and became wilted and drooping over, but once you gave it some water, before long it straightened up and filled out – happy and thriving instead of barely hanging on to its little plant life.

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Dusting off my happiness

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Looking through old posts on this blog, which was started quite a long time ago, is like looking through my parents’ old photo albums when I visit their house. I read stories I wrote about our parenting adventure that I had forgotten, lessons I’ve learned in life and keep relearning. I find memories, some that make me laugh, some that give me a lump in my throat, that have gotten covered up by others falling on top of them in my mind like stacks of papers getting dusty from no one shuffling through them for a while. Sometimes I read what I wrote and think, “Wow, was that me writing that?” I haven’t written for a long time and miss it. It helps me process what I’m feeling, thinking and learning, even though apparently I forget those things before too long.

For reasons I won’t go into detail explaining, the past 9-10 years were peppered with chronic stress and anxiety, which caused some depression, and often numbness. Continue reading →