Tag Archives: love

On grief and loss

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This is one of those days when my brother keeps coming to mind. I miss him.

You may have experienced loss and know what grief is like. The emotions often come like waves: sometimes mild, with the quiet lapping of warm memories that bring up other memories, which bring up any myriad of feelings, joy mingling with pain.

Sometimes a wave builds and crashes, rolling in and sending me tumbling around in the surf. I come up for air and see recurring questions bob on the surface around me. Hurt and disappointment over some seemingly unanswered prayers prick my feet like sharp stones on the bottom as I try to gain my footing.

Sometimes, it all recedes, and the low tide reveals an empty damp shoreline of emotional weariness and the resulting numbness. Little “what ifs” scutter about like crabs coming out of hiding.

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What is Comfort Worth Really?

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I don’t know if you’ve heard of the Enneagram or what you think about it’s worth/value, but I have gained a lot of insight into what often “drives” my heart and mind or the heart of mind of some of my friends and family.

According to the Enneagram, I’m a 9 and 9’s are called the “peacemakers.” That sounds very noble, but mostly means I value inner peace and harmony and fear loss of connection with others. I am by nature a conflict-avoider. I want people to get along partly because I care but also partly so it doesn’t cause me inner turmoil (real talk).

I tend to merge with others in decision-making to keep the peace or even “go to sleep” to my own desires and opinions to avoid the discomfort of tension between me and someone else. Anyone out there feeling me in this? Other 9s in the room?

So, in our culture of social media, increasingly sharp, polarizing opinions, and the reality that many are giving up altogether on relationships when there’s disagreement about something, my little mind and heart that crave “all is well” have really struggled to stay engaged.

Lately, I feel God inviting me to grow in the area of investing in and even thriving in relationships with people even when there is conflict.

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Calendar Permissions

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When I started my current job in 2020 I was introduced to the world of Microsoft Outlook for emails and scheduling. It’s like my best friend at work now and is always open on my computer. In Outlook, someone can make you a delegate over their calendar by giving “permissions.”

There are different levels of permission:

  • You can only see the times they are busy, no descriptions
  • You can see the details of their appointments and meetings
  • You can see the details and make changes, invite from their calendar, accept/decline meetings, add or delete items, etc.

I have the highest level of calendar permissions from the faculty I work with – they must trust me and the other admins! With us managing most of their schedule and calendar, they’re more free to do what they are meant to do: care for patients, research, teach medical students/residents, and more.

It seems Holy Spirit wants to be a delegate over my calendar. In the last year or two God revealed to me some selfishness in my heart and attitudes – ugly stuff. I want him to change that in me. One of the ways he’s helping me reframe my thoughts and adjust out of those attitudes is by needing to help my aging parents these last few months. Lots of unplanned trips to hospital, rehab facility, doctors, etc.

Another way He’s teaching me is by giving me the chance now and then to accept and embrace an unexpected opportunity to serve and love someone, often on weekends or days that were going to be free days. My selfish thought is “aw man, I wanted to stay home today and chill or have free time” or other similar whining – you get the idea. Interruptions have never been my favorite – I’m more of a schedule/routine person who likes to know the plan ahead of time, not very spontaneous. But hey, I guess I can learn!

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Thirst

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I’ve said it before and it will probably always be true: if it weren’t for my husband, my houseplants would be dead. I love plants, or at least I say I do, but I forget to water them. It builds endurance, right? I don’t think they appreciate it. I’m sure you’ve had a plant or flower that was a little neglected and became wilted and drooping over, but once you gave it some water, before long it straightened up and filled out – happy and thriving instead of barely hanging on to its little plant life.

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The co-grandma adventure

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IMG_4177I’m a grandma. Yes, I say it proudly. I became one alongside my co-grandma, my son-in-law’s mom, Maureen.

We’ve been friends for a long time, becoming closer once our kids started dating.  In fact, after Kimmi and Nathanael’s first date, Maureen called me at work and when I answered the first thing she said was, “Is this the possible future mother-in-law of my son?” We laughed with hopeful hearts, and then with full-to-bursting hearts, we hugged at their wedding the next year.

We don’t communicate regularly but whenever we get together we have a wonderful time. I love her.

I got a call at work on a Thursday from my sweet first-born girl telling me she would be induced on Saturday. “I’ll be there!” I told her excitedly. Continue reading →

A new way to look at it

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I’m a firstborn, and therefore (like many of us firstborns) mostly compliant, a people pleaser, and a perfectionist. My personality likes rules because they provide structure. Structure makes me feel secure and comfortable.  I was raised in a church-going, Bible-believing family and it was all black and white to me. This is right, that’s wrong. Do what’s right, not what’s wrong. Being a Christian, as I came to understand it, was mostly about this. I wanted to do a really great job of following the rules and living the right way so God (and my parents) would be happy with me. I think I gravitated toward and settled into this mindset in part because of my nature of people pleasing and perfectionism.

I didn’t realize until adulthood, and more and more these last 10 years or so, how my view of a life of faith was incomplete and restrictive, Continue reading →

To be with Papa

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What’s it like when you spend time with your heavenly Father?

Amy Groeschel posed this question in her devotional reading plan titled “Listening to God” on the Bible app.

Her question made me uncomfortable and I didn’t like that. I’ve been a Jesus follower, a child of God since I was very young. I’m embarrassed to say that I still struggle in approaching God and it sometimes even causes me to stay busy with other things avoiding going to Him in prayer.

I’m ashamed of that, but there is a big part of the problem: shame. In her devotional, Amy said that we might over-spiritualize our prayer time, feel we must impress God or pray the right way. I have felt that way, that if I get distracted, let my mind wander, or even get drowsy and doze off, I’ve failed in that quiet time, will try to do better tomorrow.

What if I just come to God? Plain and simple. Continue reading →

Where does it hurt?

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My Grandma told me once about a time when my Uncle Pete was just a toddler, a time when he wouldn’t stop crying and fussing. She fed him, had already changed him, tried to comfort him, then put him to bed. He kept wailing and fussing. She even gave him a little spank because she thought he was being obstinate about going to bed. His cries persisted, his little cheeks all wet with tears. She decided to check his diaper again and maybe even give him a bath to calm him down. As she undressed him, she found that one little toe had gotten all bent up caught in the elastic of his footie pajamas and was all red. She confessed, almost teary-eyed, that she felt awful being upset with him when the whole time he was crying because his little toe was hurting and he didn’t know how to make it feel better.

As adults, we may not always cry, but there are times we get irritable, Continue reading →

Fighting words

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There’s a time for everything: a time to win, a time to lose, a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to run, and a time to fight. That could mean fighting off a bully, fighting for something you believe in, or even fighting your own self and the things you tell yourself about yourself.

In the movie Back to the Future II, the hero Marty McFly does his best to do right and avoid fighting his enemy, the trouble-maker Biff. He has his limits, though, and when Biff hollers at him while he’s walking away from a confrontation, “What are you…chicken?” Marty stops dead in his tracks, steely determination in his eyes. He says quietly, “Nobody calls me ‘chicken‘” and turns to teach Biff a lesson.

What triggers you to that tipping point, to when you’re ready to fight? Most of the time I believe in solving things as peacefully as possible, but when it comes to the enemy of my soul, there’s going to be a battle. And, when it comes to the enemy picking on the ones I love, get ready to rumble!

I recently discovered an album by artist Ellie Holcomb called Red Sea Road. (so many great songs, love the lyrics) In her song “Fighting Words” she shares openly about the negative self-talk that happens inside, even self-hate, the lies the enemy spews and how she fights back:

I will fight the lies with the truth
Keep my eyes fixed on You
I will sing the truth into the dark
I will use my fighting words¹

As I listened, I found myself wishing she revealed specifically what her fighting words are. You know so I could use them, too! I realized I need to figure out my own fighting words to counter when the devil tries to pull me down.  Where would I find them? Continue reading →

Joy Unspeakable

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I think when most people hear the word “joy” they think of those moments when we are, as Elizabeth Bennet so beautifully puts it in the movie “Pride and Prejudice”, incandescently happy. Joy is happiness that wells up and spills over. Those celebration moments that we’ll remember forever, the mountaintop experiences that make us pause to soak in, gasp in wonder, or give a deep sigh of contentment…those are moments of joy.

The standout moments in life that covered me in the heart-bursting, gold-sparkling, warm, fuzzy, happiness type of joy are when I walked the aisle with my dad toward my love and when each of our babies was born and we heard “it’s a girl!” for each one.

I had an experience of overwhelming peace and love one summer in the San Bernandino mountains, alone with God by a creek, laying on a rock in the sun. I can’t describe how close I felt to God that day, like I was laying right in the palm of His hand.

I couldn’t even cry the day our oldest daughter got married because I was so full of happiness and love I thought my heart would burst. And if you know me, that’s saying something. It doesn’t take much to make me cry.

Those were definitely joy unspeakable moments.

As I’ve walked this path called life, particularly the path beside and behind Jesus, I’ve learned there is another side of joy. I would not have guessed when I was young that joy would often be accompanied by, or preceded by, sorrow and pain.

Sitting in a waiting room after getting a cancer diagnosis, heart beating hard, mind racing, God gave me a vision of Him standing on a path lined with grass that curved off into the distance. He stood turning to look back with a hand reaching out to me as if to say, “Come on. I’m going with you.” A golden sun shone so brightly behind Him all I could see was His silhouette. Peace washed over me and I remembered I belong to Him. He sees me, He cares. I’m not alone. Joy.  (Even now as I remember and picture it I’m comforted)

I’ve heard stories of a family gathered in a hospital room praying together, holding one another, singing hymns while they surround one they love who is peacefully, sometimes even eagerly, reaching for Jesus and going to heaven. In the deep shadow of hurt and loss, a faint light grows when they think of their loved one finally home where they belong, completely whole and with God. They are thankful this person lived, thankful for all the memories, so thankful the one they loved knew the Savior and they will be reunited with them one day. Even amidst sobs they thank God and have joy.

Joy is born in thankfulness. It is knowing you belong to God, the affirmation that because You are His He loves you, will never forget you or leave you, and is right with you ALL the time, no matter what. Belonging. Love. Hope. Joy.

Joy gradually emerges in surrender and sacrifice when things turn out differently than you hoped or dreamed, but instead of falling into bitterness you turn to Jesus. You are willing to give in and remind yourself you’re not in control, you’re not God, but You know Him and He IS in control…and He is good. You yield, you surrender to God’s ways, you trust and thank Him anyway. Joy.

Remember Stephen, the martyr? He practically exploded with truth when he testified to the Jewish leaders who rejected Jesus. They tried to silence Him by killing his body. But as Stephen’s heart stretched to bursting with love and worship, he seemed to ignore the rocks bruising and cutting him as he looked up toward the sky and exclaimed, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man seated at the right hand of God!” He was captivated by the truth and by His Savior. Even in his painful death, He had joy.

I’m still learning about joy: genuine, rich, enduring, deep-from-the-gut-and-soul joy that comes from choosing to walk with God in gratitude whatever the circumstance.

There have been hard, sad times in the past, are some now, and will be some to come. In those times we can’t rely on our emotions, but on what we know. My husband and I can agree that we know God loves us, He cares, He has always been faithful to us, He will make a way and He has given us so much to be thankful for.

We may not always feel like dancing or shouting or even smiling, but we thank God and trust Him…

and so we have joy.

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:4,6-7 NLT