On grief and loss

This is one of those days when my brother keeps coming to mind. I miss him.

You may have experienced loss and know what grief is like. The emotions often come like waves: sometimes mild, with the quiet lapping of warm memories that bring up other memories, which bring up any myriad of feelings, joy mingling with pain.

Sometimes a wave builds and crashes, rolling in and sending me tumbling around in the surf. I come up for air and see recurring questions bob on the surface around me. Hurt and disappointment over some seemingly unanswered prayers prick my feet like sharp stones on the bottom as I try to gain my footing.

Sometimes, it all recedes, and the low tide reveals an empty damp shoreline of emotional weariness and the resulting numbness. Little “what ifs” scutter about like crabs coming out of hiding.

Continue reading

What is Comfort Worth Really?

I don’t know if you’ve heard of the Enneagram or what you think about it’s worth/value, but I have gained a lot of insight into what often “drives” my heart and mind or the heart of mind of some of my friends and family.

According to the Enneagram, I’m a 9 and 9’s are called the “peacemakers.” That sounds very noble, but mostly means I value inner peace and harmony and fear loss of connection with others. I am by nature a conflict-avoider. I want people to get along partly because I care but also partly so it doesn’t cause me inner turmoil (real talk).

I tend to merge with others in decision-making to keep the peace or even “go to sleep” to my own desires and opinions to avoid the discomfort of tension between me and someone else. Anyone out there feeling me in this? Other 9s in the room?

So, in our culture of social media, increasingly sharp, polarizing opinions, and the reality that many are giving up altogether on relationships when there’s disagreement about something, my little mind and heart that crave “all is well” have really struggled to stay engaged.

Lately, I feel God inviting me to grow in the area of investing in and even thriving in relationships with people even when there is conflict.

Continue reading

In Jesus’ Hands

A sea of thousands, all ages, all sorts of people seated on the grass around you spreading down the sides of the hill where you stood and spilling into the field below.

They came from all over to see you and hear you teach, hanging on your every word, captivated, not wanting to leave. Now it’s been three days! The problem is: they didn’t bring enough food for three days.

Your disciples could see the need as they scanned the crowd, but must have felt completely perplexed and inadequate when they heard you say:

“Give them something to eat.”

“With what? Our good intentions?”
“We could never have enough money to buy food for all of them!”

“Bring me what you have.”

What they found was enough for one person’s meal.

But in your hands, it became more than enough for thousands!

This story has come to mind several times in the last month or so. I look at the faces of people I love and see needs—situations I find myself in that can be overwhelming.

Continue reading

Calendar Permissions

When I started my current job in 2020 I was introduced to the world of Microsoft Outlook for emails and scheduling. It’s like my best friend at work now and is always open on my computer. In Outlook, someone can make you a delegate over their calendar by giving “permissions.”

There are different levels of permission:

  • You can only see the times they are busy, no descriptions
  • You can see the details of their appointments and meetings
  • You can see the details and make changes, invite from their calendar, accept/decline meetings, add or delete items, etc.

I have the highest level of calendar permissions from the faculty I work with – they must trust me and the other admins! With us managing most of their schedule and calendar, they’re more free to do what they are meant to do: care for patients, research, teach medical students/residents, and more.

It seems Holy Spirit wants to be a delegate over my calendar. In the last year or two God revealed to me some selfishness in my heart and attitudes – ugly stuff. I want him to change that in me. One of the ways he’s helping me reframe my thoughts and adjust out of those attitudes is by needing to help my aging parents these last few months. Lots of unplanned trips to hospital, rehab facility, doctors, etc.

Another way He’s teaching me is by giving me the chance now and then to accept and embrace an unexpected opportunity to serve and love someone, often on weekends or days that were going to be free days. My selfish thought is “aw man, I wanted to stay home today and chill or have free time” or other similar whining – you get the idea. Interruptions have never been my favorite – I’m more of a schedule/routine person who likes to know the plan ahead of time, not very spontaneous. But hey, I guess I can learn!

Continue reading

Got hope?

I don’t think anyone would argue with me when I say the inhabitants of this world are weary and in need of hope. All throughout the history of mankind it has been that way since the very beginning when people decided to pick their way over God’s way and God let them.

I believe there is still hope to be had. And that’s not just me being optimistic. (although I am pretty optimistic and can be annoyingly so)

Psalms 130: 6 says, “I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning.” I have long thought that verse meant that the watchmen were tired and eager for their shift to end, so they were watching for the sun to finally peek it’s welcome glowing face over the horizon so they could clock out and go home. Recently I heard another perspective: they watch for the sun to rise because every day the sun rises. They are watching and waiting for it to happen because they know it’s going to happen. They can count on it.

Read more

A new way to look at it

I’m a firstborn, and therefore (like many of us firstborns) mostly compliant, a people pleaser, and a perfectionist. My personality likes rules because they provide structure. Structure makes me feel secure and comfortable.  I was raised in a church-going, Bible-believing family and it was all black and white to me. This is right, that’s wrong. Do what’s right, not what’s wrong. Being a Christian, as I came to understand it, was mostly about this. I wanted to do a really great job of following the rules and living the right way so God (and my parents) would be happy with me. I think I gravitated toward and settled into this mindset in part because of my nature of people pleasing and perfectionism.

I didn’t realize until adulthood, and more and more these last 10 years or so, how my view of a life of faith was incomplete and restrictive, Continue reading

I’m a flyer, you’re a flyer…

When was the last time you watched a trapeze act? It must be exhilarating to grip the bar, jump off the platform, swing down and then on the way up let go at the top and fly through the air. Thankfully a fellow trapeze artist is there at just the right time, grabs a hold and swings them to safety on the other side. I enjoy watching these acts most when there is a big net underneath, you know, just in case someone loses grip or doesn’t quite time things right. Then at least they will bounce safely at the bottom and nobody gets hurt.

I’m assuming these trapeze groups have relationships built on lots of trust. I bet the flyers really try to stay on the good side of the catchers, like baking them cookies, giving them foot rubs and the like. Continue reading

Psalm 91

Last Sunday one of our friends at church, who has definitely had his share of troubles, reminded all of us to stop dwelling on and looking at our problems or challenges and look at Jesus instead. A simple truth. I’ve heard it so many times. Why should we do that?

Looking at my problems gives them more power to intimidate, threaten, and overwhelm me.  My mind then defaults to problem solving mode and trying to figure out how to fix it all. This stresses me out because I don’t know all the answers and I can’t fix it all! (Continual lesson and understatement of Mimi’s entire life.)

Looking at Jesus instead makes Him bigger in my eyes and heart, and my problems smaller or at least not occupying all of my attention. Locking my gaze on Jesus, I walk forward in the truth that assures my heart He’s in control, He is able, He is more than enough, His ways are higher, He is good, He loves me, He is faithful, He will help me, and He said He would always be with me. No worries.

The temporary loses out to the eternal. Proper perspective reminds me my hope and heart are sealed for eternity with Jesus. So bottom line, no worries!

Psalm 91 is full of promises from God for his little ones, his people: Continue reading

Why so restless, soul?

“It requires no faith to complain.” That’s a powerful, convicting truth I heard a month or so ago and God gave me one to accompany it recently: It requires no faith to have self-pity. How many times do I end up focusing on the things that aren’t the way I thought they would be, or personal shortcomings, or others’ perceived expectations or opinions?

Continue reading

Participating in our healing

Whenever Jesus healed people, he gave them a part to play in the miracle. This morning, I read the story of the ten lepers calling out to Jesus for mercy. The Bible says Jesus told them to go show themselves to the priest, but he didn’t tell them why. As they were on their way to do what he said, they were made clean, whole, healed!
What a beautiful reminder. Whatever healing we’re in need of, we participate in the process. There is a stepping out in faith, reaching out to God, some action that has to take place. 

I was thinking about this as I drove to work and asked God why. Why did Jesus do things that way? Why have us do something in order for the healing to happen instead of just healing us. He certainly doesn’t need our help.  He could’ve told the blind man who begged for him to stop and not pass by, “So you’re blind? Well, now you can see.” But instead he made mud and smeared it on the man’s eyes, then told him to go wash in the pool.  When the man did what Jesus said, he was healed.  Jesus could’ve said to the man with the withered hand, “Hey, look at your hand it’s all better now.” But, he said to the man, “reach out your hand.” When the man reached out, his hand was healed.

When we obey and do something God has told us to do to be healed it proves our faith. Then, when God helps us and we experience healing, it strengthens our faith.

In response to my “why?” question, I heard God tell me, “It’s because I’m relational. Rather than just do something to you, I want to do something with you.”

What a lovely thought. God is not a wish granter, machine-like and cold, but is a Father who takes personal interest in me, in you, and wants to be involved with us. It’s as if He says, “Let’s work out this healing together. I’ll provide the power, you provide the faith.”

I wonder if His heart is warmed when we willingly reach back to Him, if He cannot wait to do His part and help us, even surprise us with more than we hoped for.

I think even when we have little strength or are battle-worn, the slightest look up or leaning into God is enough. He has always said he doesn’t look at outward appearances but at our hearts. He wants to heal us.

I see this interaction in the greatest offer of healing. Jesus laid down His life, died for our sins and rose again. He stands, arms outstretched towards us, saying, “I can heal your relationship with God, repair the brokenness in your soul, and make you whole. Reach out your hand, your heart.” 

We can trust Him. We should do what He says. He’s so ready to do His part.

It happened that as he made his way toward Jerusalem, he crossed over the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he entered a village, ten men, all lepers, met him. They kept their distance but raised their voices, calling out, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!”

Taking a good look at them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” They went, and while still on their way, became clean. One of them, when he realized that he was healed, turned around and came back, shouting his gratitude, glorifying God. He kneeled at Jesus’ feet, so grateful. He couldn’t thank him enough—and he was a Samaritan.

Jesus said, “Were not ten healed? Where are the nine? Can none be found to come back and give glory to God except this outsider?” Then he said to him, “Get up. On your way. Your faith has healed and saved you.” (‭Luke‬ ‭17‬:‭11-19‬ MSG)