I mean, if you played the trust game with someone – you know when you fall backwards and they catch you – but they let you fall or dropped you, you probably wouldn’t jump up to do it again with the same person right? Or with anyone for that matter. It’s a little harder to be “gung ho” when you’re about to do something you’ve done before and gotten hurt. I get irritated with myself for being such an emotional person. I’m working on decreasing the frequency of my knee-jerk emotional reactions to things but they still happen.
I keep telling myself – this is another chance to keep trusting God, people are people and no matter where you go or work there will be times of conflict you have to work through, no person or place or church or job is perfect, blah, blah, blah. But the emotional part of me slams on the brakes when I start feeling like there might be hurt ahead or trouble we have to wade through, pulling our daughter along behind us. I don’t want to go there again if it’s going to end up like it has in the past. UGH, it wears me out, the round and round that happens in my brain. I’ve learned so much about how our comfort zones are not God’s priority, but also know we’re supposed to be wise and use our brains as well as our hearts in making decisions.
I’m sure you’ve had job interviews but how about a job interview where your husband is up for the job but your whole family is evaluated and presented to a large group of people who ask questions, and answer yours, all while everyone is putting their best foot forward and I’m wondering if we can really know these people or the whole situation after a few conversations and a long weekend. If we take a job like this we’ll be moving our family and hoping it won’t be for just another few years and then we have to move again. Pressure.
People change and are sometimes different from who they claim to be. Sometimes they claim to have a certain passion or desire but in reality it’s just not there and they resist you later when you try to pursue that passion. Sometimes the people who most wanted you to come are the very ones who seem most irritated at you later and want you to go. Or they just leave and take others with them.
I’m just spilling out some thoughts and emotions from the past hoping that maybe if I get them out they won’t bother me so much.
I could go into detail about specific things that hurt but I don’t think I should, not on this blog anyway. I was just getting on John’s case the other day about how he tends to be a glass-half-empty kind of guy and I’m a glass-half-full kind of girl. Tonight he joked with me, “Hey, what happened to the glass-half-full girl?” We laughed. Then I thought, “Ouch, he’s right.” Focus, Mimi, focus. Remember the good things God has done in between the hard stuff (even in the hard stuff). Remember why we’re called and that God equips those He calls. Remember all the generous, amazing people we’ve had the privilege of serving and ministering beside..the outpouring of love at times to us and our girls. Remember the prayers offered for us and with us, the hard work and sweat as we worked together, the good friends and laughs, the joy of small victories along the way, and most of all those who made the choice to step toward Jesus and onto the narrow path for good. Remember that it’s God’s Church, God’s mission, those are God’s people and He loves them. If God leads us somewhere, He will still be with us. He promised.
I know all of that in my head and mostly in my heart, at the same time I look back over the last 14 years, especially the latest 3 and shiver a bit. I’m just a little timid. Can you blame me?
Along the Narrow Path 
Mimi,
I know exactly where you’re coming from! And it’s so hard to even think of going to another place where we will be vulnerable again. I have even fussed with the Lord at times and asked Him, “How far do we have to go for You? How many times do we have to be hurt, especially by people in the church who call themselves Christians?”
And He answers, “How far did I go for you?” (I’d never thought of that until I read it in a book I edited—”Hunter Brown and the Eye of Ends,” due out in January). “How much did I suffer for you?”
Well, that gave me pause, and I realized all over again how much I need to depend on Him. If I can handle it myself, I don’t need Him. So, when I’m knocked down, knifed in the back and treated like a slave to the church, I need to remember what He suffered at the hands of the ones who thought they were of God too.
I also learned that I can’t live on my emotions or make decisions based on how I “feel.” I had to trust the ONE who loves me more than anyone else in the whole wide world, the ONE who has known me before I was formed.
Another part of the book I want to share with you is Hunter’s prayer during a particularly hard time in his life is the following: “Do you have nothing left for me here? Is this the way you have destined things to end…at the hands of those who would rob your very signature on this great world? Please, pick up your pen and write again. Use me to bring your truth to the very heart of darkness. I am willing…I am yours.”
I know you are praying about all this and it’s actually the very best thing you can do! We all hate being hurt, being vulnerable, being an outsider in a new church where everyone else has practically known each other all their lives. Many congregants just don’t get it! They need to remember that you are God’s children, called to ministry, but at the same time, you are people just like them, who get up in the morning with stinky breath, hair messed up, etc, etc. You are not perfect, just as they are not. You hurt, just as they hurt. Sometimes, you may have to remind them of that. I had to remind a lady in our church once that my husband put his pants on, one-leg-at-a-time, just as hers did. She seemed startled when I said that. I wanted to LOL, but it wasn’t an appropriate time to do that. Ha.
I’m praying for all of you, darlin’.
holy cow…i was late last night; if I said too much just delete me!! 🙂 whew. Maybe just keep the I love you part, lol.
Mimi, I don’t blame you even the tiniest bit for feeling all that you’re feeling. My goodness; I’d probably be concerned if you sounded purely gung ho! And now, knowing better the level of vulnerability ministry requires, a piece of me just wants to hide you.
But I’m also more aware than ever just how faithful our God is and how much I truly believe tonight, that He is going to guide, lead, and protect you each step. And all that you have been through will be used in the days to come. Mimi, write this verse on your heart, Heb 10:39 But we are not of those who shrink back, but of those who believe and are saved.
Do not shrink back! No matter where God leads, there will be people, and they will drop you. They will sting, they will hurt, they will abandon, and some will be poopy-heads. But God will heal, he will not abandon, and he will always be your strength and song. Audience of one; only his opinion counts. You, John, and the girls are warriors in Christ Jesus!
Mimi, you and John played an integral role in the shaping of mine and Andy’s path. I say this because it’s the absolute truth. The faith we saw in you both when you came to Noblesville is so branded in my mind, that I was able to draw on that a year ago when I was weak and afraid to leave our home and family. It’s true, and I’m more able to be myself thanks to the example you set for me. What a blessing you and your family are to us!
heb 3:1 Therefore, holy brothers (and sisters), who share in the heavenly calling, fix your eyes on Jesus.
Well, that’s more a novel than a comment! But know I love you and have total confidence in you, John, our savior, and especially all of you combined!! 🙂
Thank you, Jenessa! That means a lot and I will take to heart and keep those scriptures and encouraging words. I love you! So thankful for you.