Someday you’ll understand how much I mean it when I say that when you’re happy, I’m really happy and when you hurt, I hurt. It’s because I love you so much, more than I could ever make you understand. But someday when you’re a mom and you have to stand by and watch your child learn through hurt, you’ll know what I mean.
I think of the time your daddy had to stand by and watch you get stitches in your lip. You didn’t cry much but it wasn’t easy for him to do. He knew it was for your good so he stood by. He didn’t get in the way of the doctor or try to prevent it from happening.
I remember the heartbreaking time I had to hold you with both arms on my lap while you squirmed and screamed, as a nurse drew your blood for an important test. Of course you didn’t understand since you were so young, but I had to because it was going to help you.
You know how it was when we used to plant flowers in front of the house and then water them really well. Sometimes they were so small and fragile that the water pouring down seemed to flatten them. However, the next day, Continue reading →
I admit, now that I think about it, maybe I should have replied only to the gentleman who sent the email instead of clicking “reply all” and sending my message to everyone. I was attempting, in the kindest way possible, to tell him that the email he had sent was false. The reason I included everyone else was because I thought they would want to know that, too. The email he sent certainly wasn’t about a life and death issue but he was getting a bit up in arms over it and it’s the kind of political email that can get others really upset. He, himself, referenced a snopes.com article, inferring that’s where he got his information. I went to that article to see for myself and found that it said just the opposite, so I wanted to let him know.
I think just about everyone has a story about getting lost. The scariest and most memorable for our family happened when we lived in New Mexico. We had taken the girls to the mall and were hanging out a little while in “Tilt”, an arcade. The girls must have been 2, 4 and 5. The arcade was one of those that was the size of a store and rather dark filled with all kinds of video games, skeeball, basketball, riding games, etc. Winning tickets was the goal so we split up and took the girls around to try different games. I don’t know how or when it happened, but I thought John had Kristine and he thought I had her. After watching Kimmi play a whack-a-mole game I looked to see where Kristine was. She wasn’t with us so I looked down the way to where John and Kaitlin were playing. I didn’t see her there either. I called out to John and sure enough, he didn’t have her. I began to panic. We started calling out her name and rushing around the arcade, looking behind and around all the games, asking anyone we saw if they had seen our little girl. No one had. The staff hadn’t seen her but said they’d call security. All of the sudden nothing mattered but finding her. I didn’t care who heard me shouting her name or saw me racing around trying to find her. Then John said, “I’m going out into the mall to see if I can find her. You stay here.” So Kimmi, Kaitlin and I knelt down right there in the arcade and prayed. “God, please. Please. Don’t let anything happen to Kristine. Please help John know where to go. Please help us find her!” I couldn’t even cry I was so scared, Continue reading →
I had always thought he wanted to just do his own thing, since he didn’t particularly like board games and such, so I was surprised when he told me, “I’ve always felt kind of on the outside when I’m with your family.” I mean, we had been married about 20 years by then and I had never known. I realized that instead of just assuming my husband didn’t want to be a part of games or silliness when we visited with my family, I should at least ask him to be a part, make sure he knows the circle is open and we want him in it, if he wants to be. Since then, I’ve tried to do that very thing and just have a different attitude about it and things are so much better. He does enjoy doing things with us or at least being invited. It’s a lot more fun for everyone else, too, when he’s a part of things.
I sure felt badly that I never knew that before. I was always having so much fun with my family, whom I love so much, and he seemed happy reading a book or watching TV in the other room. I assumed and you know what assuming does (If you don’t, send me an email and I’ll explain).
All this made me think of the Church, which is often referred to as a family. We can get so close to one another and enjoy being together so much that we forget about people who are on the “outside” or think they wouldn’t want to be a part anyway. Why don’t we try asking them? How about we let go of each other enough that the circle opens up, ready to welcome more in? We would probably be surprised how many see the love and life we have in God and long to be included. God did make us to be a family, but He is also passionate about every one of his kids who hasn’t found their way yet to be invited in.
I must warn you upfront that this post is kind of rambly and disjointed. Okay, read on if you like.
We all make judgments about other people all the time, in split seconds. Most of the time I think we base our judgments on the way they look, sound, act or smell. Unfortunately, I think a lot of our judgments are critical because so much of our thought-life is driven by pride, even when we are doing our best to follow Jesus and live humbly. I catch myself thinking critical thoughts a lot. Probably need to take that one to God on my knees a little more fervently. I don’t like thinking those thoughts and sure don’t want someone thinking them about me. They sure could, especially on days like today when I ventured out with no make-up and shaggy hair.
I’m not talking about dwelling long and hard on these judgments, just formulating instant impressions.
Can you tell I’m feeling a wee bit convicted about all of this? Continue reading →
Being an emotional person who also relies on music heavily to connect with and communicate to God, I love the book of Psalms. Many of them were written by David, who was called a man after God’s own heart. You’d think that might mean that they only contain words of praise, thanks, and adulation but actually there is heartfelt, not so happy honesty there, too. David doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to expressing how he really feels at the moment, even almost accusing God of turning his back on him, refusing to answer him, or abandoning him. However, at the end of each one Continue reading →
I sat there listening to her sing her heart in phrases and heard God talk to me, as well, “I’m showing you again that I have the power to influence this young lady’s heart. I made her, you know. I have planted more in her than you could dream of or design. As precious as you are to me, you are not the author of this young one’s soul and faith. I Am.”
Thank you, God, and forgive me for doubting, worrying or trying to orchestrate. Thank you for hearing my deepest heart prayers for her (and for all my daughters) – that You would draw her near, that You would comfort her and give her the strength to surrender to you. You can handle the angry cries, the stubborn thoughts, the questions and more. You keep painting beauty over those things and then giving me glimpses of this tough and tender work of art that is my daughter.
How I’ve underestimated all my girls at times, in many ways. Don’t let me do it any more. Why would I think they are any less complicated, any less deep thinkers and ponderers, any less in tune with God than I am? Why would I not think You talk to them the way You do me, that You relish every moment they sit with you, read Your word, sing songs to You? I’m simply a few years farther down the path, but we’re on the same path following You, “I Am”, our incredible Savior and Creator.
We harmonized together on some familiar tunes and I was drawn into worship as I sat in sleepy comfort. You were sitting right there, Jesus. The only thing I can do is bow down in my heart, my thankful, peace-filled, humbled heart.
This song will hold more meaning for me from now on:
You stood before creation Eternity in your hand You spoke the earth into motion My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure And carried the cross for my shame My sin weighed upon your shoulders My soul now to stand
So what could I say? And what could I do? But offer this heart, Oh God Completely to you
So I’ll walk upon salvation Your spirit alive in me This life to declare your promise My soul now to stand
Getting healthier after some turmoil last year when pastor left.Facility is really nice and new.Upward basketball – 200+ kids.Pretty good sense of mission, awareness of the need to be missional.Recently changed to a governance leadership structure – significant tool for next pastor.
Still some unresolved longstanding, systemic unhealthy conflict. Mortgage – income that comes in with which they pay the mortgage is usually about $4000 a month short.They use cash reserves right now from the sale of their old building to pay the shortfall but that won’t last forever.Still some division from the conflict last year that is healing but isn’t over.
I so wish I could read my daughter’s mind. She has always been open with me but there are times this last year or so when she shuts herself up tight, doesn’t want me to ask questions, doesn’t want to share her heart. She doesn’t need help or advice, just wants me to leave her alone. I get frustrated but I’ve learned to think back to the 16-year-old Mimi and try to remember how I felt about things, how I felt about my parents and my increasing independence, the things that were important to me, etc. It really settles me down and results in patience.
We’re at an exciting crossroads for our family but right now. If you could take a photo of our emotions it would look like this: John is elated, Mimi is pretty hopeful, Kimmi and Kaitlin are happy for us and Krissy is sad, angry and withdrawn. Rather than press her right now I’m just praying for her. I remember when I was a teen, my dad told our family that he was going back into the pastorate and that probably meant we’d be moving sometime. That news alone was enough to upset me. I remember turning my head to look out the window as we all sat around the dinner table Continue reading →
I believe in pressing forward and in living in this day but once in a while it’s good to take a quick look back to see how far we’ve come and remember what we learned. A friend of mine said today that looking toward this new year is like throwing out a fishing line, we wait and watch to see what we’ll reel in, not knowing, but hoping. I joked that it’s probably good we can’t see all that we’re going to “reel in” this coming year and that I’m glad Jesus is there to help us if we have to pull in something really heavy or menacing. Today I’ve been thinking some about the lessons I caught in 2010. Some of them were whoppers: Continue reading →
Along the Narrow Path 