Category Archives: Experiences

You know, stuff I’ve experienced.

The co-grandma adventure

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IMG_4177I’m a grandma. Yes, I say it proudly. I became one alongside my co-grandma, my son-in-law’s mom, Maureen.

We’ve been friends for a long time, becoming closer once our kids started dating.  In fact, after Kimmi and Nathanael’s first date, Maureen called me at work and when I answered the first thing she said was, “Is this the possible future mother-in-law of my son?” We laughed with hopeful hearts, and then with full-to-bursting hearts, we hugged at their wedding the next year.

We don’t communicate regularly but whenever we get together we have a wonderful time. I love her.

I got a call at work on a Thursday from my sweet first-born girl telling me she would be induced on Saturday. “I’ll be there!” I told her excitedly. Not long after, I got a text from Maureen in Indiana asking if I would pick her up on the way. Her husband Jim would be flying in later. What a great plan!

It was a spotless sunny day for me to drive from Illinois to grandma-hood. Maureen called when I was about 2 hours from her house asking if she had time to bake cookies. What a great idea! Cookies are always a good idea, especially Maureen’s cookies. I finally got to her house and hopped out of the car, got a big hug from my friend, put her things in the trunk (including freshly baked cookies) and we took off for Ohio.

The rest of the drive was much more fun. We talked and talked, about the baby, about our kids, about blessings and struggles of ministry life (Maureen is a pastor’s wife, too).  Once we arrived, a late night run to Cracker Barrell was in order due to Kimmi’s craving for biscuits and gravy, then the kids were off to the hospital to spend the night and Maureen and I settled in at their house.

The next morning after their greyhound, Danny was taken care of, we hopped in the car, found a Starbucks, found the hospital, delivered said Starbucks to Kimmi and Nathanael, and sat down in the room with them to wait.  Whenever it was time to check Kimmi’s progress, Maureen and I would step out in the hall, waiting for permission to come back in. The last time we stepped out it was time for Kimmi to start pushing.  The labor room was in a hallway with only three rooms and the other two were empty at this point.  The grandma plan was to stand outside the room, with a foot in the door to keep it slightly open like any respectable eavesdropper, in hopes of hearing the long-awaited miracle moment of Ezra’s birth and first cry.

Our hearts were beating fast and we leaned close to listen until we were interrupted by a nurse we hadn’t seen yet that day, who must have just come on shift. With a stern expression, she instructed us that it was hospital policy to not allow visitors to congregate in the hallway and that we would need to go out of the labor hallway and out to the waiting area. Reluctantly, begrudgingly, we obeyed. Maureen dubbed our new friend “Nurse Deitzel” as she had a militant, “keeping order” air down pat.

We sat alone in the waiting room down the hall…waiting. Maureen flipped absent-mindedly through a magazine, I messed around on my iPad.  I set it down to find a water fountain and as I was walking back, Maureen hopped up and said excitedly, “The lullaby! It’s playing! He’s here!”  (whenever a baby was born, Brahm’s lullaby was played over the speakers in the maternity ward.) I scrambled to my chair, “let me cover up my iPad real quick!” only to realize the song playing was from the game “Candy Crush.” Argh!  Crestfallen, we sat back down only to spring back up as Nathanael came through the doorway beaming, “He’s here!” Lots of hugs shared, he gave us the details so we could update family and friends who had been waiting with us and keep tabs through texts.

The moment finally came when we could walk, practically skip, back down the hallway and into the room to see Kimmi sitting up in bed, with her precious boy all wrapped up, lying still and quiet in mom’s arms. Yes! Finally! Praise God. So proud. So blessed. So happy I couldn’t even cry.

The grandmas went to pick up pizza and bring it back, only to pass “Nurse Deitzel” in the hallway. We smiled cheerily at her and marched right on to the room where our grandson was. No stopping us now!

The next day was all fun: Lots more getting Starbucks, food for lunch and dinner, holding Ezra, visiting with the new mom and dad…just being grandmas. I love this role.

Maureen had to leave Sunday. I stayed until Tuesday, so got to hold little Ezra John (EJ) his first night at home in between feedings so his Mommy (my beautiful daughter!) could hopefully sleep a little bit.  EJ and I slept on the couch – I will never forget that night. I was exhausted the next day driving home but also still riding the high of all this love.

EJ will never lack love and I often thank God that we share grandparenthood with Jim and Maureen, two of the best who love Jesus so much and love people so well. Dear friends. Fellow co-grandparent adventurers! And it’s just beginning.

(Ezra John will be two in September! I wrote this shortly after he was born and never posted it. Reminiscing brings it all back as if it were yesterday.)

To be with Papa

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What’s it like when you spend time with your heavenly Father?

Amy Groeschel posed this question in her devotional reading plan titled “Listening to God” on the Bible app.

Her question made me uncomfortable and I didn’t like that. I’ve been a Jesus follower, a child of God since I was very young. I’m embarrassed to say that I still struggle in approaching God and it sometimes even causes me to stay busy with other things avoiding going to Him in prayer.

I’m ashamed of that, but there is a big part of the problem: shame. In her devotional, Amy said that we might over-spiritualize our prayer time, feel we must impress God or pray the right way. I have felt that way, that if I get distracted, let my mind wander, or even get drowsy and doze off, I’ve failed in that quiet time, will try to do better tomorrow.

What if I just come to God? Plain and simple. Continue reading →

Hi. My name is Mimi and I’m a control freak.

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Secrets keep you “sick.” It’s truth.

If you want to beat a compulsion or addiction the first step is to admit there’s a problem. You have to admit it to yourself and then to other people. The Bible even recommends it: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)

Hello. My name is Mimi. I’m a control freak.

Over the years I have caused myself so much anxiety and unnecessary stress because my little perfectionistic, likes to have a plan, very busy self feels like I know how things should be. My tendency is to, often subconsciously, try to manipulate and control people or situations to get the outcome I think is best. Just being real, peeps. Anyone feeling me out there?

I’m blessed to have some people in my life, who, along the way have helped me (and still help me) to see this problem and gently bring me to those so important places of realization which leads to being humbled which leads to saying I’m sorry which should lead to me doing less of the aforementioned attempted controlling. That is the ideal anyway!

I can remember a Sunday years ago when my husband (the pastor) woke up sick and our associate pastor was home with a broken foot. I got to church and started trying to figure out what to do for the service. Continue reading →

Joy Unspeakable

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I think when most people hear the word “joy” they think of those moments when we are, as Elizabeth Bennet so beautifully puts it in the movie “Pride and Prejudice”, incandescently happy. Joy is happiness that wells up and spills over. Those celebration moments that we’ll remember forever, the mountaintop experiences that make us pause to soak in, gasp in wonder, or give a deep sigh of contentment…those are moments of joy.

The standout moments in life that covered me in the heart-bursting, gold-sparkling, warm, fuzzy, happiness type of joy are when I walked the aisle with my dad toward my love and when each of our babies was born and we heard “it’s a girl!” for each one.

I had an experience of overwhelming peace and love one summer in the San Bernandino mountains, alone with God by a creek, laying on a rock in the sun. I can’t describe how close I felt to God that day, like I was laying right in the palm of His hand.

I couldn’t even cry the day our oldest daughter got married because I was so full of happiness and love I thought my heart would burst. And if you know me, that’s saying something. It doesn’t take much to make me cry.

Those were definitely joy unspeakable moments.

As I’ve walked this path called life, particularly the path beside and behind Jesus, I’ve learned there is another side of joy. I would not have guessed when I was young that joy would often be accompanied by, or preceded by, sorrow and pain.

Sitting in a waiting room after getting a cancer diagnosis, heart beating hard, mind racing, God gave me a vision of Him standing on a path lined with grass that curved off into the distance. He stood turning to look back with a hand reaching out to me as if to say, “Come on. I’m going with you.” A golden sun shone so brightly behind Him all I could see was His silhouette. Peace washed over me and I remembered I belong to Him. He sees me, He cares. I’m not alone. Joy.  (Even now as I remember and picture it I’m comforted)

I’ve heard stories of a family gathered in a hospital room praying together, holding one another, singing hymns while they surround one they love who is peacefully, sometimes even eagerly, reaching for Jesus and going to heaven. In the deep shadow of hurt and loss, a faint light grows when they think of their loved one finally home where they belong, completely whole and with God. They are thankful this person lived, thankful for all the memories, so thankful the one they loved knew the Savior and they will be reunited with them one day. Even amidst sobs they thank God and have joy.

Joy is born in thankfulness. It is knowing you belong to God, the affirmation that because You are His He loves you, will never forget you or leave you, and is right with you ALL the time, no matter what. Belonging. Love. Hope. Joy.

Joy gradually emerges in surrender and sacrifice when things turn out differently than you hoped or dreamed, but instead of falling into bitterness you turn to Jesus. You are willing to give in and remind yourself you’re not in control, you’re not God, but You know Him and He IS in control…and He is good. You yield, you surrender to God’s ways, you trust and thank Him anyway. Joy.

Remember Stephen, the martyr? He practically exploded with truth when he testified to the Jewish leaders who rejected Jesus. They tried to silence Him by killing his body. But as Stephen’s heart stretched to bursting with love and worship, he seemed to ignore the rocks bruising and cutting him as he looked up toward the sky and exclaimed, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man seated at the right hand of God!” He was captivated by the truth and by His Savior. Even in his painful death, He had joy.

I’m still learning about joy: genuine, rich, enduring, deep-from-the-gut-and-soul joy that comes from choosing to walk with God in gratitude whatever the circumstance.

There have been hard, sad times in the past, are some now, and will be some to come. In those times we can’t rely on our emotions, but on what we know. My husband and I can agree that we know God loves us, He cares, He has always been faithful to us, He will make a way and He has given us so much to be thankful for.

We may not always feel like dancing or shouting or even smiling, but we thank God and trust Him…

and so we have joy.

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:4,6-7 NLT

 

Unexpected gift

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Standing holding hands on one side with a dear friend and on the other a new friend, I looked at the other women in the circle around the room. It was quiet. We were going to be led in prayer for God’s Holy Spirit to fill us anew, to relight dwindled fires in our hearts, to do whatever He sees fit to do. Our leader was walking quietly around the circle, sharing a few words, her voice low but strong. She paused in front of one woman and spoke encouragement to her, then stopped to pray with another woman who needed physical healing. I bowed my head, looking at the floor, thinking about all I had learned over the weekend.

On the first night, we heard stories of transformation, of lives that were changed dramatically by God’s love, changed so they could show Jesus to other people and live out their true purpose, changed to live in peace and grace.  I had struggled through the worship/singing time to focus on God because I’d been focusing so much during the day on my concern for my girls and their future with God.  

I’ve let go of that concern before (like every day) but that night it was as if I couldn’t do it. It was a heavy weight pulling down on my heart. I asked God why it was so hard this time and the answer was very clear: “You don’t trust me.” I felt terrible. God has done so much for me in the past, why don’t I trust Him more right now? I remembered a father in the Bible who brought his troubled son to Jesus for healing and when Jesus asked if he believed He could heal his son, the father replied, “I believe, but help my unbelief.” I prayed the same.

Saturday morning the lesson stung a little, too. As we sang songs, a friend walked over during the songs to hold tight to the young lady standing next to me who is facing some really hard times. I had been so caught up in myself I wasn’t thinking about other people hurting and needing encouragement. I asked God to forgive my selfish attitude. It’s not all about me, I remembered.

Sunday morning I was enjoying the songs and being with everyone, but still feeling a little distant from God, numb in a way. When the offer was given to come forward for several different prayers I walked to the front with others. I’m taking steps, God. I want You to help me be what You want me to be. I need You.

All these thoughts swirling in my head stopped when I felt a hand grip my shoulder and looked up to see the steady, unblinking gaze of the prayer leader. It’s important to note that I had just met her the day before, she didn’t know me. But, she was talking to me.  “You have a tender heart. You’ve been going through some things, feeling discouraged, sometimes like you even want to give up.” Whoa, I instantly realized it was not just this woman speaking, but God through her. “You may have even thought, ‘God, are you hearing me?’ And God wants you to know He sees you, He’s with you. Things are going to start turning around for you, things are changing.  You just worship and praise God with all your heart. Worship Him, trust Him. If you don’t see it right away don’t be discouraged, don’t look for it and ask ‘Where’s it at, God?’ just worship Him.” I was fighting tears but kept looking into her eyes that never looked away as she said, “I see freedom, as if things are falling away, off of you.” She took a step back, never breaking eye contact and gestured with her hand as if taking something down from my shoulder as she continued, “Some things aren’t turning out the way you thought they would, some things in your family need healing, relationships, some who you’re concerned over, comparing yourself to others, discouragement…it’s all falling away. You just worship and praise God.” 

As she walked away I bowed my head again, dissolved into quiet sobs. The strain, guilt, fear, pressure, and hurt was washing off of me, leaving me feeling so relieved and at peace. 

I felt such love and reassurance – God spoke to me. To ME. He KNEW I needed a sign of His presence with me, a tangible reminder that He’s trustworthy and always at work answering prayers, even those we can’t put into words.  And His message wasn’t a rebuke, it was an understanding and compassionate exhortation. Discouragement from ministry, concerns about the future, parenting, stressful work stuff, forgetting God’s acceptance of me and not having to earn His love…it had piled up and only God could move it for me, push it off of my heart, and help me up.

Since then, whenever fear tries to creep back in, I hear God’s voice saying all those lovely words again and I remember that moment. When I told my mom about it she said, “That’s your Ebenezer.”  In the Bible, after God had granted victory to his people, Samuel set up a stone and called it “Ebenezer: God has helped us,” so they wouldn’t forget. The words of an old hymn say, “Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I’ve come.”  I will never forget, God: You see me, You know me, You love me, and You have helped me.

Well, hello

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I haven’t posted on this blog for over a year!  For several years I was blogging all the time and then I just sort of stopped.  I didn’t feel inspired or compelled.  I even thought, why would people want to read what I’m thinking?  Am I so special or unique in the way I write?  There are so many blogs, so many magazines and articles online, so many writers.

My original purpose, which is still true, was to encourage people: to help them feel less alone in their doubts, questions, struggles, and the everyday walk of life, to share what I’m learning in hopes that maybe it will help them.

This summer a few friends told me that the brief things I post on twitter (which then posts to facebook) had encouraged them and to keep on posting.  That blessed me and made me realize that if I enjoy writing, if it helps me process what’s in my heart and mind, gives me an outlook for self-expression, and if even just a few can relate or gain some encouragement, then I want to keep blogging.

This weekend I was extremely blessed and encouraged by someone else.  This person shared his testimony with me, how he was caught up in habits, friends and a lifestyle that was detrimental and that pulled him away from God.  When arrested one night and sitting in the police station, he says he heard God say loudly and clearly, “This is not what I planned for you.”  He knew that he needed to turn back to Jesus.  He says that when he did everything changed. Jesus helped him get away from the things that were dragging him down and gave him purpose.  Now he is closer to Him, more on fire for Him, well on his way toward the plan that God has for him.

There are some people I love who are struggling and need to hear God’s voice loudly and clearly.  They need direction.  Through my friend’s story, God reminded me to trust Him and believe that He can and does change hearts, speak, help, redirect and nothing is impossible for Him!  I asked Him to forgive me for my times of unbelief when I slip back into worry mode, and told Him I trust Him.

God is not just some person that likes to help people. The entire universe is enveloped by Him!  He has always been, is present now, and always will be.  He is limitless in love, power, knowledge, and mercy.  He made everything that exists and yet cares about each person.  I don’t understand it, but I’m thankful!  He never changes and never goes back on His word.  We can trust Him.  Nothing is impossible for Him.

Be encouraged!

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”  Mark 10:27

When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—
    the moon and the stars you set in place—
what are mere mortals that you should think about them,
    human beings that you should care for them?  Psalm 8:3-4

There’s one!

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20130819-075434.jpg Piled into the old, gray, mostly reliable church van, we drove around town, brown bags of food on our laps, looking for someone down and out. We found two sitting at that curb there, one resting on a bench in front of a store. “There’s one!” someone would cry out and the one driving would pull over, turn around or pull into the lot and we’d hop out to give food, talk for a moment, and offer a prayer. We like to ask their name, because somehow being known by name might help them feel more like they matter and aren’t alone. God sees them and so do we.

My friends know several of these folks from seeing them month by month. This month we were serving pulled pork and there was one man in particular who loved that. We were determined to keep looking until we found him. He wasn’t in his usual place, but driving down a narrow alley we found a man sleeping on a mattress back in a shady corner and it turned out to be him!

As our little search party drove around, it struck me that the Church, God’s people, should be this intentional in finding the lost people around us, those who are hungry in their souls. We have a feast of hope and love that’s been given to us, like a brown bag of food sitting on our lap, needing to be served to someone.

I want God to open my eyes today to see hearts needing to be encouraged, heard, made to feel less alone, loved.

I want to hear Him tell me, “there’s one!”

Now what?

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Those who know me were surprised I hadn’t cried all day, but I was just too happy to cry.  Months of planning, texting with my daughter, buying supplies on the Internet and at Hobby Lobby (I should have a frequent flyer discount by now), and coordinating had culminated in this beautiful, family and friend-filled day.  We were gathered because of love, surrounded by love, and full of love, nearly to burst.   I kept telling myself to slow down and be in each moment because it began to speed by, as special days seem to do.

ImageI had one moment where I got really close to crying: when her daddy began to walk her into the dimly-lit, lovely auditorium and down the aisle.  Instead of tears, however, as I saw them come in I caught my breath and just stared at my absolutely beautiful grown-up girl beaming, walking toward her husband-to-be.   As I sat and watched the ceremony unfold, I asked God to interpret the songs in my heart because I just couldn’t find the words or even thoughts to express my gratitude and joy.  Blessed with a capital B, that’s what we are.

I enjoyed so much the time spent with Kimmi in those months before, texting, talking on the phone, meeting at times to shop and plan, brainstorming.  Then, even more fun were the days right before when we drove through Starbucks, then to the church to actually put into motion all we had prepared, with lots of family there to pitch in and help.  What a fun weekend – and everyone was able to come!  I told you…Blessed.

John, Krissy and I drove into our driveway the Sunday after, a little bedraggled but glad to be home. We unloaded the car and brought all the leftover supplies (including many jars!) into the house.  Once inside, I began to feel sad and kind of lost.  I asked John, “What will I do now that I don’t have the wedding to think about, plan for and work on?”  He chuckled and said, “Sit down and relax!”

As I’ve pondered that question these last few weeks, I realize that I poured so much of my heart, mind, wallet, and energy into the wedding and now it is past.  A new chapter has begun for Kimmi and Nathanael and even for us.  We’re in-laws now.  We’re parents of a married daughter!  How’s that for life change?  We may even be on the brink of “grandparenthood” in the next few years to come.  Whoa.  Don’t want to get ahead of myself.

Just as I poured so much of myself into the wedding, I realize some of my sadness was thinking of how I poured so much of myself into being a mom for my girls for so long and that chapter is closing/changing, too.  Our youngest graduated high school and moved out this summer to work in Alabama as a nanny for my brother’s children.

All of the sudden the house is pretty empty and I find myself asking, “what will I do now, God?”  Certainly I should be useful for something!  I’m not accustomed to this.  I’m used to being a hands-on mom, driving girls somewhere, shopping, being needed in close proximity and in person for hugs and heart-to-heart conversations.  I even relished in the everyday talking about friends, school, boys, etc.  Now things are long distance (not too long thankfully) and over the phone or texting or facebook.  Now they are out making their way as young adults and I’m watching them go, proudly but feeling a little lost.

John and I have time to get reacquainted in a way and grow closer together.  I’m so glad I have him in my life.  For some reason he doesn’t feel as melancholy as I do.  Must be a mom thing.

I’m asking God to help me find my place now, to settle into whatever role he has for me.  I have no idea what that is.  He keeps reminding me that I don’t have to figure everything out or make the plan, I just need to trust Him.  He has poured Himself into my life as long as I can remember.

So, here’s to rolling with these changes and keeping my heart and eyes on Him and His Word.  I can almost hear him say, in response to my “now what?’ “Just sit down and relax.  I’ve got this.”

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?”  Romans 8:15 MSG

Didn’t give it a thought

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The guilt nagged, but apparently not enough to make me actually do something about it. An older lady in our church, one I love and who has been a source of encouragement to me, fell and hurt herself a few months ago.

I kept meaning to send a card, call her, or stop by to see her but didn’t. I Iet the hectic pace of life get in the way of showing love. I prayed for her, but she didn’t know that. She was back at church on Sunday and I was thrilled to see her again, looking well and smiling as usual.

I hugged her tightly and said, “I need to ask your forgiveness.” She pulled back, “Whatever for?” “I have thought many times of calling you, sending you a card or coming to see you and didn’t make it happen. I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you!”

She chuckled, hugged me tightly, and said words that washed my guilt away, “Oh my goodness, it’s okay! I never gave it a thought!”

This morning, my devotional reading spoke of how God has forgiven us, has accepted us, yet we continue to nurture guilt or feel we have to do things for his approval. What a silly, sad state to be in, when, if we have accepted Jesus, we are heirs of an eternal treasure: the deep love and fellowship of God.

I can just hear Him say to me this morning, “All that guilt you keep inside about not being enough or doing enough is so unnecessary. I forgave you and since haven’t given it a thought!”

Thank you, Papa, for your undying, constant, persistent love and grace. Thank you for holding me and reassuring me that I’m your girl. Teach me to live in the freedom of truly knowing that.

and to know that I belong to him. I could not make myself acceptable to God by obeying the Law of Moses. God accepted me simply because of my faith in Christ. (Philippians 3:9 CEVUS06)

Just a little freak out

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The wedding is less than four months away! It’s so exciting, but it’s less than four months away! Krissy just joined the soccer team and there are shoes, uniforms and various other soccer “stuff” she needs.  The van, good ol’ “Nugget”, is making a weird noise but it usually does so I’m ignoring that.  We’re paying off the much-needed tonsillectomy and the associated bills that go along with that.  I think I should go into anesthesiology, I’m in the wrong business.  (Thank you, Lord for health insurance, though)  The cats need to go to the vet…someday.  But really, they’re in excellent health right now and what do they have to complain about?  Woops, don’t forget the sports physical, orthotics, and a few other things that will need taking care of before long.  The girls will need more boxes of contact lenses soon, too.  While thinking (stressing) about all of these things, I became aware that Krissy will also need a car to carry out the summer job she’s hoping to have of being nanny for my brother’s kids in Alabama.  How are we going to get a car?  That’s only a few months away!

I had to go to the bedroom and shut the door.  On my knees, I cried for a while.  The awareness that our resources are falling waaaaay short of meeting obligations or needs gets to me.  I needed to vent some pent-up emotion anyway and it seemed a good moment for a freak out.  At least I was freaking out to God and not just by myself, rocking with my knees hugged to my chest in a corner somewhere.  Right?

It felt good to just let it out – all that pressure.  I know everyone faces situations like this.  Life tends to be that way: obligations, needed repairs, medical bills, special life events, and so forth seem to pile up in groups, multiply, and avalanche down on top of us – like the old adage “when it rains, it pours.”  I was feeling a little smushed under the pile up.

And really, we are so blessed, with so much to be thankful for.

God brought to my mind a conversation my sister and I had just earlier that day, before the “we need another car” moment.  We were talking about how God was in control, how He was good at details, how we could dream big and trust Him.  God also lovingly poked me in the ribs and reminded me of the scripture I had read just that morning from Mark 4, about the disciples’ freak out during a bad storm at sea.

Their boat was actually starting to sink from the rocking waves and sloshing water, but Jesus remained asleep at the back of the boat (which is impressive considering how bad the storm was).  They got to the tipping point, where they couldn’t take it any more, and shook him shouting “We’re gonna drown!  We’re gonna drown!  Do something, Jesus!  I can’t swim! Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!”  Okay, that’s a little paraphrase there, but I bet that’s how they felt!

Jesus woke, stood up, told the wind and waves to stop it and then asked the disciples, who stood there dripping and astonished, “Why were you afraid?  Why didn’t you have faith?”

That seems a little harsh to me.  I mean, their boat was beginning to sink and it seemed Jesus didn’t care or wasn’t aware.  That would most definitely be an “afraid” moment.  It seems the fact that He was there with them was supposed to be enough.

He did stop the storm, none of them drowned, and all was well.  He did care.

So, on my knees, crying and blowing my nose into multiple tissues, having a little freak out I prayed, “How are we going to do all of this, God?  And with what?!  I have run out of ideas.  We need your help!  Aaaaahhh!”  My little boat was filling up with water and it felt like God was sleeping at the back.

It helped to be honest with Him and then remember that if I don’t have what I need, God does.  He is with me and even if my boat DOES sink, He is with me.  He will take care of us.  He will make a way.  He has unlimited resources and can even tell the wind and waves and anxiety to stop it.

I felt peace the next morning while I read some more in Mark (ch. 6), when Jesus’ disciples once again were perplexed.  There was an enormous hungry crowd of thousands lingering after listening to Jesus teach all day. Jesus had just instructed the disciples to feed them.  “How will we do that?!” they asked, probably with deer-in-the-headlights expressions on their tired faces.  Jesus said, “Bring me what you have.”  They found a boy with a sack lunch and gave it to Jesus.  Jesus then did what He always does: provided, worked a miracle, proved able and faithful again.

God has been saying to me (and to John), “bring me what you have.”  I know He will do the rest.  He is already doing it.  Things get taken care of and resources arise that I had no way of orchestrating.  The best part is the peace that comes when I remember to trust Him, no matter what.  Not even a little freaking out.

That evening, Jesus said to his followers, “Let’s go across the lake.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him in the boat just as he was. There were also other boats with them. 37 A very strong wind came up on the lake. The waves came over the sides and into the boat so that it was already full of water. 38 Jesus was at the back of the boat, sleeping with his head on a cushion. His followers woke him and said, “Teacher, don’t you care that we are drowning!”

39 Jesus stood up and commanded the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind stopped, and it became completely calm.

40 Jesus said to his followers, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”  Mark 4:35-40 NCV

Late in the afternoon his disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. 36 Send the crowds away so they can go to the nearby farms and villages and buy something to eat.”

37 But Jesus said, “You feed them.”

“With what?” they asked. “We’d have to work for months to earn enough money[g] to buy food for all these people!”

38 “How much bread do you have?” he asked. “Go and find out.”

They came back and reported, “We have five loaves of bread and two fish.”

39 Then Jesus told the disciples to have the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they sat down in groups of fifty or a hundred.

41 Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. He also divided the fish for everyone to share. 42 They all ate as much as they wanted, 43 and afterward, the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftover bread and fish. 44 A total of 5,000 men and their families were fed from those loaves!  Mark 6:35-44 NLT