Category Archives: Family

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The co-grandma adventure

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IMG_4177I’m a grandma. Yes, I say it proudly. I became one alongside my co-grandma, my son-in-law’s mom, Maureen.

We’ve been friends for a long time, becoming closer once our kids started dating.  In fact, after Kimmi and Nathanael’s first date, Maureen called me at work and when I answered the first thing she said was, “Is this the possible future mother-in-law of my son?” We laughed with hopeful hearts, and then with full-to-bursting hearts, we hugged at their wedding the next year.

We don’t communicate regularly but whenever we get together we have a wonderful time. I love her.

I got a call at work on a Thursday from my sweet first-born girl telling me she would be induced on Saturday. “I’ll be there!” I told her excitedly. Not long after, I got a text from Maureen in Indiana asking if I would pick her up on the way. Her husband Jim would be flying in later. What a great plan!

It was a spotless sunny day for me to drive from Illinois to grandma-hood. Maureen called when I was about 2 hours from her house asking if she had time to bake cookies. What a great idea! Cookies are always a good idea, especially Maureen’s cookies. I finally got to her house and hopped out of the car, got a big hug from my friend, put her things in the trunk (including freshly baked cookies) and we took off for Ohio.

The rest of the drive was much more fun. We talked and talked, about the baby, about our kids, about blessings and struggles of ministry life (Maureen is a pastor’s wife, too).  Once we arrived, a late night run to Cracker Barrell was in order due to Kimmi’s craving for biscuits and gravy, then the kids were off to the hospital to spend the night and Maureen and I settled in at their house.

The next morning after their greyhound, Danny was taken care of, we hopped in the car, found a Starbucks, found the hospital, delivered said Starbucks to Kimmi and Nathanael, and sat down in the room with them to wait.  Whenever it was time to check Kimmi’s progress, Maureen and I would step out in the hall, waiting for permission to come back in. The last time we stepped out it was time for Kimmi to start pushing.  The labor room was in a hallway with only three rooms and the other two were empty at this point.  The grandma plan was to stand outside the room, with a foot in the door to keep it slightly open like any respectable eavesdropper, in hopes of hearing the long-awaited miracle moment of Ezra’s birth and first cry.

Our hearts were beating fast and we leaned close to listen until we were interrupted by a nurse we hadn’t seen yet that day, who must have just come on shift. With a stern expression, she instructed us that it was hospital policy to not allow visitors to congregate in the hallway and that we would need to go out of the labor hallway and out to the waiting area. Reluctantly, begrudgingly, we obeyed. Maureen dubbed our new friend “Nurse Deitzel” as she had a militant, “keeping order” air down pat.

We sat alone in the waiting room down the hall…waiting. Maureen flipped absent-mindedly through a magazine, I messed around on my iPad.  I set it down to find a water fountain and as I was walking back, Maureen hopped up and said excitedly, “The lullaby! It’s playing! He’s here!”  (whenever a baby was born, Brahm’s lullaby was played over the speakers in the maternity ward.) I scrambled to my chair, “let me cover up my iPad real quick!” only to realize the song playing was from the game “Candy Crush.” Argh!  Crestfallen, we sat back down only to spring back up as Nathanael came through the doorway beaming, “He’s here!” Lots of hugs shared, he gave us the details so we could update family and friends who had been waiting with us and keep tabs through texts.

The moment finally came when we could walk, practically skip, back down the hallway and into the room to see Kimmi sitting up in bed, with her precious boy all wrapped up, lying still and quiet in mom’s arms. Yes! Finally! Praise God. So proud. So blessed. So happy I couldn’t even cry.

The grandmas went to pick up pizza and bring it back, only to pass “Nurse Deitzel” in the hallway. We smiled cheerily at her and marched right on to the room where our grandson was. No stopping us now!

The next day was all fun: Lots more getting Starbucks, food for lunch and dinner, holding Ezra, visiting with the new mom and dad…just being grandmas. I love this role.

Maureen had to leave Sunday. I stayed until Tuesday, so got to hold little Ezra John (EJ) his first night at home in between feedings so his Mommy (my beautiful daughter!) could hopefully sleep a little bit.  EJ and I slept on the couch – I will never forget that night. I was exhausted the next day driving home but also still riding the high of all this love.

EJ will never lack love and I often thank God that we share grandparenthood with Jim and Maureen, two of the best who love Jesus so much and love people so well. Dear friends. Fellow co-grandparent adventurers! And it’s just beginning.

(Ezra John will be two in September! I wrote this shortly after he was born and never posted it. Reminiscing brings it all back as if it were yesterday.)

As It Should Be

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Two weeks ago this very night I was standing next to a hospital bed, peering at the chubby-cheeked, puffy-eyed, quiet little one nestled on my daughter’s chest, skin to skin. He opened and shut his hand slowly, his eyes locked on hers as if to say, “There you are, sweet mom who has been carrying me. I wondered what you looked like. I love you.”

The entire weekend opened the old memory boxes in my mind from 1990 when I had my first baby, Kimberly. How surreal to be the ones waiting from across the room (Nathanael’s mom, Maureen, and I), the ones not feeling the contractions but watching with rapt attention each one being drawn out in jaggedy rising and falling lines on the screen over Kimmi’s bed. How truly wonderful to sit and ponder the miracle of life, of a woman carrying a living child, of the baby’s journey from that warm, safe haven out into the world.

We already knew the baby was a boy, and his name was Ezra. The sound of his heartbeat swished along all day on the monitor, our constant companion and reminder there was a little one involved in this labor whom we couldn’t see yet but was absolutely real and alive and amazing.  Psalm 139 played over and over in my head:

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God…”

During the early part of the day and into early afternoon, our time was spent visiting and laughing with Nathanael and Kimmi, as the epidural had done its work and the contractions swelled along without bothering her much.  But as evening approached, I noticed Kimmi getting really quiet and realized she was feeling them. The medicine wasn’t masking the pain as much anymore and so the labor became true to its name.

Sitting across the room, remembering how those contractions feel, I was aching for it to be over for her. Of course, I was helpless to make the pain go away or make things progress any more quickly. It was all part of the process. She didn’t speak much, only what was really necessary. Ezra’s heartbeat kept swishing away, the sun went down and the lights were dim. Nathanael sat on a rolling stool by Kimmi’s bed, holding her hand, sometimes bending down to kiss her cheek, quietly watching the contractions and baby’s heart rate on the monitor.

That image of the two of them in those hours is imprinted in my memory. I saw Kimmi’s husband being her comfort, strength, and more. They are becoming a family, these three, I thought to myself. There were many times when I got to comfort young Kimmi, watch over her, be there for her, and so forth, but now she will more often turn to Nathanael and they will figure things out together. As it should be.

It’s a new chapter of their lives and in ours. Life keeps moving through seasons, bringing change upon change, and we’d do best to roll with it and accept things as they come. Though I’m still a mom, now I’m also a grandma! And, oh my goodness, how I love that little baby boy. As I pray for Ezra and his mom and dad, I will keep trusting God to watch over all three of them as He always has. I get to love on them and watch from my place, but God will lead them and write the story of their sweet family for them.

And that is as it should be.

Now what?

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Those who know me were surprised I hadn’t cried all day, but I was just too happy to cry.  Months of planning, texting with my daughter, buying supplies on the Internet and at Hobby Lobby (I should have a frequent flyer discount by now), and coordinating had culminated in this beautiful, family and friend-filled day.  We were gathered because of love, surrounded by love, and full of love, nearly to burst.   I kept telling myself to slow down and be in each moment because it began to speed by, as special days seem to do.

ImageI had one moment where I got really close to crying: when her daddy began to walk her into the dimly-lit, lovely auditorium and down the aisle.  Instead of tears, however, as I saw them come in I caught my breath and just stared at my absolutely beautiful grown-up girl beaming, walking toward her husband-to-be.   As I sat and watched the ceremony unfold, I asked God to interpret the songs in my heart because I just couldn’t find the words or even thoughts to express my gratitude and joy.  Blessed with a capital B, that’s what we are.

I enjoyed so much the time spent with Kimmi in those months before, texting, talking on the phone, meeting at times to shop and plan, brainstorming.  Then, even more fun were the days right before when we drove through Starbucks, then to the church to actually put into motion all we had prepared, with lots of family there to pitch in and help.  What a fun weekend – and everyone was able to come!  I told you…Blessed.

John, Krissy and I drove into our driveway the Sunday after, a little bedraggled but glad to be home. We unloaded the car and brought all the leftover supplies (including many jars!) into the house.  Once inside, I began to feel sad and kind of lost.  I asked John, “What will I do now that I don’t have the wedding to think about, plan for and work on?”  He chuckled and said, “Sit down and relax!”

As I’ve pondered that question these last few weeks, I realize that I poured so much of my heart, mind, wallet, and energy into the wedding and now it is past.  A new chapter has begun for Kimmi and Nathanael and even for us.  We’re in-laws now.  We’re parents of a married daughter!  How’s that for life change?  We may even be on the brink of “grandparenthood” in the next few years to come.  Whoa.  Don’t want to get ahead of myself.

Just as I poured so much of myself into the wedding, I realize some of my sadness was thinking of how I poured so much of myself into being a mom for my girls for so long and that chapter is closing/changing, too.  Our youngest graduated high school and moved out this summer to work in Alabama as a nanny for my brother’s children.

All of the sudden the house is pretty empty and I find myself asking, “what will I do now, God?”  Certainly I should be useful for something!  I’m not accustomed to this.  I’m used to being a hands-on mom, driving girls somewhere, shopping, being needed in close proximity and in person for hugs and heart-to-heart conversations.  I even relished in the everyday talking about friends, school, boys, etc.  Now things are long distance (not too long thankfully) and over the phone or texting or facebook.  Now they are out making their way as young adults and I’m watching them go, proudly but feeling a little lost.

John and I have time to get reacquainted in a way and grow closer together.  I’m so glad I have him in my life.  For some reason he doesn’t feel as melancholy as I do.  Must be a mom thing.

I’m asking God to help me find my place now, to settle into whatever role he has for me.  I have no idea what that is.  He keeps reminding me that I don’t have to figure everything out or make the plan, I just need to trust Him.  He has poured Himself into my life as long as I can remember.

So, here’s to rolling with these changes and keeping my heart and eyes on Him and His Word.  I can almost hear him say, in response to my “now what?’ “Just sit down and relax.  I’ve got this.”

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?”  Romans 8:15 MSG

Just a little freak out

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The wedding is less than four months away! It’s so exciting, but it’s less than four months away! Krissy just joined the soccer team and there are shoes, uniforms and various other soccer “stuff” she needs.  The van, good ol’ “Nugget”, is making a weird noise but it usually does so I’m ignoring that.  We’re paying off the much-needed tonsillectomy and the associated bills that go along with that.  I think I should go into anesthesiology, I’m in the wrong business.  (Thank you, Lord for health insurance, though)  The cats need to go to the vet…someday.  But really, they’re in excellent health right now and what do they have to complain about?  Woops, don’t forget the sports physical, orthotics, and a few other things that will need taking care of before long.  The girls will need more boxes of contact lenses soon, too.  While thinking (stressing) about all of these things, I became aware that Krissy will also need a car to carry out the summer job she’s hoping to have of being nanny for my brother’s kids in Alabama.  How are we going to get a car?  That’s only a few months away!

I had to go to the bedroom and shut the door.  On my knees, I cried for a while.  The awareness that our resources are falling waaaaay short of meeting obligations or needs gets to me.  I needed to vent some pent-up emotion anyway and it seemed a good moment for a freak out.  At least I was freaking out to God and not just by myself, rocking with my knees hugged to my chest in a corner somewhere.  Right?

It felt good to just let it out – all that pressure.  I know everyone faces situations like this.  Life tends to be that way: obligations, needed repairs, medical bills, special life events, and so forth seem to pile up in groups, multiply, and avalanche down on top of us – like the old adage “when it rains, it pours.”  I was feeling a little smushed under the pile up.

And really, we are so blessed, with so much to be thankful for.

God brought to my mind a conversation my sister and I had just earlier that day, before the “we need another car” moment.  We were talking about how God was in control, how He was good at details, how we could dream big and trust Him.  God also lovingly poked me in the ribs and reminded me of the scripture I had read just that morning from Mark 4, about the disciples’ freak out during a bad storm at sea.

Their boat was actually starting to sink from the rocking waves and sloshing water, but Jesus remained asleep at the back of the boat (which is impressive considering how bad the storm was).  They got to the tipping point, where they couldn’t take it any more, and shook him shouting “We’re gonna drown!  We’re gonna drown!  Do something, Jesus!  I can’t swim! Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!”  Okay, that’s a little paraphrase there, but I bet that’s how they felt!

Jesus woke, stood up, told the wind and waves to stop it and then asked the disciples, who stood there dripping and astonished, “Why were you afraid?  Why didn’t you have faith?”

That seems a little harsh to me.  I mean, their boat was beginning to sink and it seemed Jesus didn’t care or wasn’t aware.  That would most definitely be an “afraid” moment.  It seems the fact that He was there with them was supposed to be enough.

He did stop the storm, none of them drowned, and all was well.  He did care.

So, on my knees, crying and blowing my nose into multiple tissues, having a little freak out I prayed, “How are we going to do all of this, God?  And with what?!  I have run out of ideas.  We need your help!  Aaaaahhh!”  My little boat was filling up with water and it felt like God was sleeping at the back.

It helped to be honest with Him and then remember that if I don’t have what I need, God does.  He is with me and even if my boat DOES sink, He is with me.  He will take care of us.  He will make a way.  He has unlimited resources and can even tell the wind and waves and anxiety to stop it.

I felt peace the next morning while I read some more in Mark (ch. 6), when Jesus’ disciples once again were perplexed.  There was an enormous hungry crowd of thousands lingering after listening to Jesus teach all day. Jesus had just instructed the disciples to feed them.  “How will we do that?!” they asked, probably with deer-in-the-headlights expressions on their tired faces.  Jesus said, “Bring me what you have.”  They found a boy with a sack lunch and gave it to Jesus.  Jesus then did what He always does: provided, worked a miracle, proved able and faithful again.

God has been saying to me (and to John), “bring me what you have.”  I know He will do the rest.  He is already doing it.  Things get taken care of and resources arise that I had no way of orchestrating.  The best part is the peace that comes when I remember to trust Him, no matter what.  Not even a little freaking out.

That evening, Jesus said to his followers, “Let’s go across the lake.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him in the boat just as he was. There were also other boats with them. 37 A very strong wind came up on the lake. The waves came over the sides and into the boat so that it was already full of water. 38 Jesus was at the back of the boat, sleeping with his head on a cushion. His followers woke him and said, “Teacher, don’t you care that we are drowning!”

39 Jesus stood up and commanded the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind stopped, and it became completely calm.

40 Jesus said to his followers, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”  Mark 4:35-40 NCV

Late in the afternoon his disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. 36 Send the crowds away so they can go to the nearby farms and villages and buy something to eat.”

37 But Jesus said, “You feed them.”

“With what?” they asked. “We’d have to work for months to earn enough money[g] to buy food for all these people!”

38 “How much bread do you have?” he asked. “Go and find out.”

They came back and reported, “We have five loaves of bread and two fish.”

39 Then Jesus told the disciples to have the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they sat down in groups of fifty or a hundred.

41 Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. He also divided the fish for everyone to share. 42 They all ate as much as they wanted, 43 and afterward, the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftover bread and fish. 44 A total of 5,000 men and their families were fed from those loaves!  Mark 6:35-44 NLT

God said, “I’ve got this”

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My girls are very often on my mind and in my heart, just like every mom, I’m sure.  Our roles have shifted some now that they’re young women and more on their own, but I still hope they are okay and want things to work well for them.  Whenever I start fretting about it or something that’s going on, God reminds me to stop it.  He says to me, for the upteenth time, “I’ve got this, Mimi. I can take care of your girls.”

He told me that again Monday morning as I was getting up and getting ready for work.  Thinking about my daughter, Kaitlin, I was praying for her and God told me to just keep trusting Him to guide her and be with her.

Well, a few hours later at work I got a phone call that she had been in a car accident on the highway and was on her way to the hospital.  Driving 65 mph, she spun on ice, ending up horizontal to traffic, nearly got hit by a semi while spinning, then got crunched by a car on her side of her car.  Thankfully and amazingly, she ended up with only a cut on her head, no broken bones, no other serious injuries.  Two women stopped immediately to see if she was okay.  One called us, the other one who was an EMT, got into Kaitlin’s car with her, laid her back in her seat, got a towel for her cut, and stayed with her until the ambulance came.

Whenever I think about those two ladies, I want to cry and hug them and thank them but I’ll never know who they are.  I couldn’t be with her, but God was with her, sending those two sweet strangers to help.  He had it under control, even without my help.

I really have felt utterly helpless this week as I’ve heard more about the accident.  I have never wished so strongly that I could teleport to where she was.  My heart ached.  I wasn’t able to help her at all or be with her at all, but others were and she is doing fine. God keeps telling me, “Look how I took care of her.  I told you, you can trust me.”  She’s navigating through it all and growing up a lot in the process, I think.

God is able.  God is there.  He is good and loving.

Could I say those things if Kaitlin had died in the accident?  Or she had been paralyzed? In time, I believe I could, because it’s true.

I believe that when bad or scary things happen to those we love, God has not turned his head but is with them, very near.

Whatever the outcome, I believe He works things for good for those who love Him, and says to us when we start getting anxious, “You can trust me. I’ve got this.”

Trust God, my friends,
    and always tell him
each one of your concerns.
    God is our place of safety. Psalm 62:8 CEV

Remembering Flo

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Today would have been my Grandma Neal’s 90th birthday.  Five years ago, on a December day in Columbus, Ohio, grandma was on her way to her second Christmas party gathering of the day, blacked out while driving and drove off the road.  By the time the ambulance got her to the hospital, she had already gone to be with Jesus.

My mom and her brothers are going to celebrate her today, scattering her ashes (what remains of her earthly “shell”) at the foot of “her mountain” in Huachuca City, Arizona. Grandma used to live out there in the Sierra Vista valley surrounded by desert hills and it’s the perfect resting place.  She would have loved knowing they are doing that today, and that they’re doing it together.

I miss her.  As I’ve thought about her this week, a fresh sadness at her absence in our lives has washed over me.  There was so much good about my grandmother, who wasn’t perfect of course, but was a vibrant, genuine, extremely loving woman of God.

I miss her impassioned voice when she prayed to Jesus, whom she loved more than anything or anyone.  I miss hearing her cheerful voice and laughter and seeing her make strangers into friends at the grocery, the bank, restaurants and even at the door of her apartment, inviting the pizza delivery boy to church.

I remember so many things, so many good memories are swirling around in my heart today.  One that stands out is how, following my mastectomy, my mom and grandma came to take care of me and help John with the house and the girls.  After mom left, grandma stayed longer and watched over me, brought me my meals, told me to take naps, sat with me and talked, prayed with me, and folded laundry while I sat on the couch.  It was a precious time and it was the way she loved people the best.

Grandma was a hands on person, she showed her love by serving.  For a time she worked in the V.A. hospital treating old soldiers with respect, cheering them up with her ever-present smile, washing their old tired bodies and keeping them comfortable.  For years she watched over and took tirelessly care of my grandfather when he was battling Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.  I remember one time she went over to my other grandmother’s house, Grandma Shultz was wheelchair bound at the time, and gave her a decent bath.  Humility and love was wrapped up in her tall, fair-skinned, Norwegian body.

She made friends with her neighbors, no matter what nationality.  At her last apartment complex she had befriended several Indian families and had them over for dinner, took them jello salads, and enjoyed dinner in their homes.

She was acting out her love for Jesus by loving people.  She did it well.  I want to be more like her.  I love her so much, still, and miss her so much today my heart aches.

When her ashes are scattered it will be meaningful and special, but Grandma isn’t in those ashes.  She’s with God in heaven.  If Grandma had her way she’d be surrounded by cute little white doggies, lots of flowers and maybe even a concrete donkey or set of frogs on a love seat in her heavenly garden.  I can imagine her sitting at the foot of a mountain with Jesus, smiling and talking with Him, praying still for her children and their children to know Him.

I remember you, Grandma Neal, and I love you!  Someday I’ll sit with you there.

Thankful Thursday on Monday

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My heart is full of gratitude tonight so I can’t wait until Thursday:

Thank you, God, for music.  I’ve told you many, many times before, but I’m so glad you created it.  It reaches me.  It moves me.  It helps me connect with You like nothing else.

Thank you for my daughters.  I see so many little ones brought to the doctor’s office by their moms and it makes me remember the fun times I had with my girls when they were young.

Thank you that my youngest has “come back” this year.  That she lets me hug her again, lets me tell her I love her without pushing me away, and spends time with me gladly fills my heart to the very top.

Thank you for my work friends and my church family and that I’m starting to feel more at home here.

Thank you for my cats, for their little chubby, furry, lovey selves.

Thank you for this big house to live in and for leading us out from under the enormous pressure of trying to sell that house back in St. Louis for years and paying two house payments.  I think back to what that was like and realize how blessed we are now.

Thank you for who you are, for being mysterious and wonderful.  Your love and faithfulness amaze and bewilder me.

I love you, God.  Thank you!

Do you see how thankful we must be? Not only thankful, but brimming with worship, deeply reverent before God.  Hebrews 12:27 The Message

The Lord is my God!
    I will praise him and tell him
    how thankful I am. Psalm 118:28  CEV

The noise upstairs

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It just gets too quiet sometimes around our house these days.  Now that two of our girls are in college and our youngest is gone often with friends, I miss those sounds I’ve loved all throughout our life.  I miss the sounds of the girls giggling, talking, singing in their rooms or playing instruments, playing video games, having friends in and putting on plays, running in and outside the house, and just life.  I miss the sound of them walking up and down the stairs, doing dishes in the kitchen while singing to their iPod, typing away on the computer keyboard across the room, talking on their phones, or even watching TV.  Those sounds let me know my girls were home.

Last weekend all my girls were here, along with my oldest daughter’s boyfriend.  As John and I went to bed at night, I heard their footsteps upstairs, Continue reading →

Of hard times, mom’s advice, and learning to shut up

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I had a great talk with my sister this afternoon.  What would I do without my sis in my life?

We were talking about being moms and the challenge of not trying to control everyone and everything.  It’s more obvious to me than ever before that I can’t control life and everything that happens to my family.  I also can’t control their choices.

In love and wanting to help, I fight the urge to give advice when I see them about to make decisions that from my life experience I know will bring them heartache or problems.

There’s a time and place for advice and we all need it sometimes.  My mom and dad have shared lots of good advice with me throughout my lifetime.

However, the things and events in my life that have truly taught me to change my ways, to learn new habits, to stop doing some things and start doing others are the hard times.  Experience, consequence and reality are the best teachers.

Growth and change have come from the times I was so desperate I had to fall on my face and cry out to my Papa, my God, and plea for answers.  It has come from the times when I felt I had no one else to turn to for help.  It comes from the times of heart-breaking disappointment, from asking questions and facing fears.  It comes from asking God to put things back together after I made a poor choice, then dust me off and get me moving again in a better direction.

As a mom, especially at this stage of my daughters’ lives, the best thing I can do most of the time is shut up.  Pray, try to consistently live out my faith, trust God and keep my mouth closed.  If I were even able to keep them from having to face the inevitable hard times or consequences from mistakes, I would actually be keeping them from the endurance, faith, hope, perspective and closeness to God that only hard times bring.  That’s what I have always prayed and hoped they would find – I sure don’t want to get in the way of that!

I’m in your corner, girls, and I love you.

I know

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I know God is able, but it’s still sometimes hard to completely trust.

I know He’s done amazing things for you in the past, but it’s still hard to not give in to fear and frustration especially after the last few tough years you’ve made it through.

I know I just blogged about life being easy and wondering how I was going to stay desperate for God – I wasn’t asking for trouble I promise, but I’m definitely feeling desperate for Him right now.

I see so many good things God has done for others I love and it gives me hope, but it’s still hard to watch you be confused, angry, stressed, down or restless…especially when you refuse help.  That actually makes me angry, if I’m honest.

I know you think you’ll figure it out on your own, that you’re tough and will make it through, but it’s harder than you know and you need Jesus to help.  Trust me.

I know you feel like your life sucks, but you should see all the good things and people in your life that I see.

I know you think that you need certain people or a certain someone to make you happy, but you won’t find that fulfillment and peace in a person, it only really comes from God.  Until you give in to that truth, you will be stuck in this aggravating wilderness you see all around you.

I know you think I’m annoying and a broken record, but someday when you’re a parent you’ll understand.  I kind of wish you could understand right now.

I know you think you can predict everything I’m going to say and everything I’m thinking.  The biggest thing I’m thinking is that I love you and want you to be whole.

I need to get back to what I really know and not what I feel because what I feel is anger, frustration, and anxiety.  I evidently need to spend more time with God.  I need His perfect love to flood in and push out those feelings and worries.

I know God is able.  I know He’s good.

I know He knows you better than anyone and knows the way to lead you through.   He loves you even more than I do.

I know You’re sensitive to Him and hear Him because I’ve seen that happen in the past.

I know He’s stronger than you and your stubborn will.  I know He gave you that will for a reason and can shape your heart so that every part of your character is used for good.

I need to zoom out and get perspective.  You probably should, too.  This is not the end of the world.  We need to fly up above emotions, up into the free and airy space of faith and hope, up into God’s arms that have always been there, always open and ready to give refuge.

You really don’t know how much I love you.  But I know.