Nothing has altered, blessed, challenged, rewarded, or complicated my life as much as being a mom. When I was very young and playing house it all seemed pretty simple. Of course the baby was inanimate, silent and plastic and the laundry and dishes invisible. Little did I know all that actually comes with motherhood.
When our first baby finally made her debut, I clearly remember feeling awe, joy and a sense of accomplishment. I had just completed Childbirth 101 and passed the final. I had just joined an enormous group of women who had done the same since the beginning of time. I was now a member of a very important and distinguished group: mommies.
Moms give of themselves 24/7, usually without a second thought. My mom still gives to me. Even though our relationship has changed she is often still the giver. She gives counsel, a listening ear, a joyful cheer when something good happens, friendship, support, unconditional love and more. She doesn’t seem to mind that our relationship is still a little lop-sided at times.
I remember so clearly the first time I called her, when I was a young mom, to apologize for the way I acted when I was little. Continue reading →
Okay, just a little bit west. Peoria, Illinois to be precise. Today is moving day and we’re mostly ready to go. Rocky and Esmae, the wonder cats, have been roaming around restlessly, probably wondering why their home is now a maze of box towers. Krissy got up early and gave me a pep talk, then a hug. I loaded up the trunk with stuff for Goodwill and am sitting in McDonald’s having a breakfast burrito, waiting for Goodwill to open.
I’m glad this day is here. It’s time to make this change official, to watch God turn the page revealing the start of a new chapter for us.
I’m sure there will much to blog about after this day and in the days to come. Stay tuned!
The goodbyes began this week. It seems as though we’re walking in between waving farewell to friends here and waving hello to friends ahead. It’s usually a good thing if that in between period doesn’t last too long. More than anything, more than sadness, I feel deeply thankful for the connections we’ve made here knowing I don’t have to break any of them. I get to keep the friends I’ve made and take them along with me in my heart as I meet new ones.
One of my goodbyes will be to my 96, almost 97, year old grandmother Retha. She lives in a nursing home in Anderson and I went by to visit her today. Luckily she was up in her wheelchair instead of lying in bed, so I took her down the hall to a nice, open room with big windows letting in the sunshine. We sat facing each other and catching up. Grandma does remarkably well considering her age. She was really happy when I told her John has a pastorate now and we have a good place to go live and serve. She was also happy it’s not terribly far away.
A good friend of mine, who has been friends with my grandmother for much longer, is a lady named Ann Smith. Ann radiates joy and life out of her relationship with Jesus, even now in her eighties. The last time I saw her she gave me a Bible verse to read to my grandma. I shared it with grandma today. It’s Isaiah 46:3-4: Continue reading →
It turns out you need both front tires of your car pointing the same direction if you want to go anywhere. This morning, Krissy and I were attempting to back out of our parking space to go to school and work when the steering wheel started jiggling. The car moved erratically and wasn’t doing what I wanted it to. It veered back and forth and when I tried to drive forward it just sat there, with the steering wheel turning on its own and still jiggling while we began to smell hot rubber. I hopped out to see what was wrong and saw that the front left tire was facing forward but the front right tire was turned sharply to the right. Uh oh. That can’t be good. We had to get the car towed to the shop because that tire, for whatever reason, wasn’t responding to the steering wheel or the direction I was trying to drive.
I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately, probably because we have some big changes coming up soon for our family. Even though change happens all around us all the time and is a part of life, we still resist it. That tendency seems to be built into most people’s core. We veer toward what is familiar, what we already know, what is comfortable or seems good from past experience. What if Jesus is turning the steering wheel a different and new direction? Especially when it comes to teams, families, churches, or other groups who say they have the same goal, all the people have to respond to the direction and turn the same way or no one is going anywhere. Resisting or being stubborn can cause the whole endeavor to come to a swerving, smelling-like-hot-rubber halt or at least make it a hundred times more difficult for the other “tires” trying to move along.
Our daughter Krissy was a little like our wayward tire when we first started talking about moving a few months ago. It’s understandable – it wasn’t in her plan, wasn’t her first choice, and didn’t seem comfortable. Over time, however, I’ve watched as God made needed repairs and adjustments and helped her see that following His lead was the best plan. Sunday, before John officially accepted the offer to move to another state to pastor a church, we asked her once more how she was feeling and what she was thinking. She said it would be hard and we agreed with her. Then she said, with some emotion, “But I feel like God has plans for me there.” Our hearts swelled. Our little tire was facing the same way as us again! Now we can move forward as a family, letting Jesus steer.
If you’re facing changes and feeling resistant, ask God to repair your heart and attitude and help you not be the wayward tire. You don’t want to hold up what God has in mind for your family, your church, your friends, do you?
Someday you’ll understand how much I mean it when I say that when you’re happy, I’m really happy and when you hurt, I hurt. It’s because I love you so much, more than I could ever make you understand. But someday when you’re a mom and you have to stand by and watch your child learn through hurt, you’ll know what I mean.
I think of the time your daddy had to stand by and watch you get stitches in your lip. You didn’t cry much but it wasn’t easy for him to do. He knew it was for your good so he stood by. He didn’t get in the way of the doctor or try to prevent it from happening.
I remember the heartbreaking time I had to hold you with both arms on my lap while you squirmed and screamed, as a nurse drew your blood for an important test. Of course you didn’t understand since you were so young, but I had to because it was going to help you.
You know how it was when we used to plant flowers in front of the house and then water them really well. Sometimes they were so small and fragile that the water pouring down seemed to flatten them. However, the next day, Continue reading →
I think just about everyone has a story about getting lost. The scariest and most memorable for our family happened when we lived in New Mexico. We had taken the girls to the mall and were hanging out a little while in “Tilt”, an arcade. The girls must have been 2, 4 and 5. The arcade was one of those that was the size of a store and rather dark filled with all kinds of video games, skeeball, basketball, riding games, etc. Winning tickets was the goal so we split up and took the girls around to try different games. I don’t know how or when it happened, but I thought John had Kristine and he thought I had her. After watching Kimmi play a whack-a-mole game I looked to see where Kristine was. She wasn’t with us so I looked down the way to where John and Kaitlin were playing. I didn’t see her there either. I called out to John and sure enough, he didn’t have her. I began to panic. We started calling out her name and rushing around the arcade, looking behind and around all the games, asking anyone we saw if they had seen our little girl. No one had. The staff hadn’t seen her but said they’d call security. All of the sudden nothing mattered but finding her. I didn’t care who heard me shouting her name or saw me racing around trying to find her. Then John said, “I’m going out into the mall to see if I can find her. You stay here.” So Kimmi, Kaitlin and I knelt down right there in the arcade and prayed. “God, please. Please. Don’t let anything happen to Kristine. Please help John know where to go. Please help us find her!” I couldn’t even cry I was so scared, Continue reading →
I sat there listening to her sing her heart in phrases and heard God talk to me, as well, “I’m showing you again that I have the power to influence this young lady’s heart. I made her, you know. I have planted more in her than you could dream of or design. As precious as you are to me, you are not the author of this young one’s soul and faith. I Am.”
Thank you, God, and forgive me for doubting, worrying or trying to orchestrate. Thank you for hearing my deepest heart prayers for her (and for all my daughters) – that You would draw her near, that You would comfort her and give her the strength to surrender to you. You can handle the angry cries, the stubborn thoughts, the questions and more. You keep painting beauty over those things and then giving me glimpses of this tough and tender work of art that is my daughter.
How I’ve underestimated all my girls at times, in many ways. Don’t let me do it any more. Why would I think they are any less complicated, any less deep thinkers and ponderers, any less in tune with God than I am? Why would I not think You talk to them the way You do me, that You relish every moment they sit with you, read Your word, sing songs to You? I’m simply a few years farther down the path, but we’re on the same path following You, “I Am”, our incredible Savior and Creator.
We harmonized together on some familiar tunes and I was drawn into worship as I sat in sleepy comfort. You were sitting right there, Jesus. The only thing I can do is bow down in my heart, my thankful, peace-filled, humbled heart.
This song will hold more meaning for me from now on:
You stood before creation Eternity in your hand You spoke the earth into motion My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure And carried the cross for my shame My sin weighed upon your shoulders My soul now to stand
So what could I say? And what could I do? But offer this heart, Oh God Completely to you
So I’ll walk upon salvation Your spirit alive in me This life to declare your promise My soul now to stand
Getting healthier after some turmoil last year when pastor left.Facility is really nice and new.Upward basketball – 200+ kids.Pretty good sense of mission, awareness of the need to be missional.Recently changed to a governance leadership structure – significant tool for next pastor.
Still some unresolved longstanding, systemic unhealthy conflict. Mortgage – income that comes in with which they pay the mortgage is usually about $4000 a month short.They use cash reserves right now from the sale of their old building to pay the shortfall but that won’t last forever.Still some division from the conflict last year that is healing but isn’t over.
I so wish I could read my daughter’s mind. She has always been open with me but there are times this last year or so when she shuts herself up tight, doesn’t want me to ask questions, doesn’t want to share her heart. She doesn’t need help or advice, just wants me to leave her alone. I get frustrated but I’ve learned to think back to the 16-year-old Mimi and try to remember how I felt about things, how I felt about my parents and my increasing independence, the things that were important to me, etc. It really settles me down and results in patience.
We’re at an exciting crossroads for our family but right now. If you could take a photo of our emotions it would look like this: John is elated, Mimi is pretty hopeful, Kimmi and Kaitlin are happy for us and Krissy is sad, angry and withdrawn. Rather than press her right now I’m just praying for her. I remember when I was a teen, my dad told our family that he was going back into the pastorate and that probably meant we’d be moving sometime. That news alone was enough to upset me. I remember turning my head to look out the window as we all sat around the dinner table Continue reading →
On this day, 20 years ago, my husband and I had been in the labor and delivery room since 6 am, anticipating with growing excitement the arrival of our first baby. We didn’t know if it would be a son or daughter, we had no idea what to expect but after months of waiting, even two weeks past our due date, we were more than ready to see him or her. She finally came around 11:20 pm that night, right before the new year began. Kimberly Ellen Klotz. Our first child, our little girl. We looked at her with awe and through happy tears, overwhelmed with gratitude and satisfaction. We felt we had grown up so much in just one day. We were parents! She was still and quiet and looked up at us with bright eyes wide open as if she was studying us. It all seems so long ago now! I’ll never forget how I felt, though, and how proud we were. We still are. I’m glad she survived being our first! She’s always been a little cautious and a little shy, waiting until she was almost 15 months old to take her first step. I remember at family birthdays when we sung to her how she’d reach out Continue reading →
Lean in for a hug, or even a kiss. Lean in to smell something delicious. Lean in to hear something more clearly. Lean in to be part of the group and see what’s happening. Lean in to the huddle to hear the next play. Lean in and over your baby’s bed to watch them peacefully sleeping. Lean in to just be near someone.
Sometimes instead we lean out…maybe because something or someone smells bad. Lean out because you feel rejected or your opinion isn’t respected. Lean out because something or someone has hurt you and you want to back away. Lean out because leaning in is taking too much effort. Lean out because you’re afraid to be too close. Lean out because the uncertainty of what’s next is too nerve-wracking and leaning out seems easier.
My sister shared wise words with me a long time ago from a book she read about marriage: always lean into your spouse, no matter what was happening. Lean into each other and into God. That image has been tucked away in my heart and mind ever since and has helped me many times.
John and I have mostly been leaning in toward each other throughout our marriage. There have been moments, of course, when we forget or our pride gets in the way and we back off out of feeling offended or stubborn or any other childish attitude overtakes us for a little while. There is always this ache inside of me, however, to be on the same page with him again and to be close. I picture us standing toe to toe, facing one another, holding both of eachother’s hands. How much easier to stand when we’re both leaning in and holding each other. I don’t like the feeling of either one of us leaning out and away from each other or letting go of one or both hands. It throws us off kilter and takes a little more effort to lean back in and become close again. It causes us to feel more alone. This morning we leaned in again, closer to one another and closer to God…straining to hear His voice, to understand each other’s perspective, to vent and process. It always makes our relationship better, even if leaning in hurts at first or is a little scary because you’re not sure how the other will react or respond. When we lean in, we’re stronger and less susceptible to being taken down by an enemy.
As I think about Mary and Joseph and the first part of the Christmas story we’re all so familiar with, I think of how Joseph had to make a choice to lean out or lean in Continue reading →
Along the Narrow Path 