Category Archives: Parenting

Day 23 – Rainy

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On days like this my mood seems to mirror the outside, drippy and gray.

Breakfast with a good friend was an uplift and blessing.  Instead of withdrawing when I feel down, which is my tendency, I need to be with a friend and be a friend.

I often start cleaning when I’m thinking hard, frustrated, or need to release pent-up energy.  You should see my spotless kitchen.  I guess that’s one of the perks of parenting teens!

Oh, and today I received the award “Strictest Parent Ever”.   Thank you, thank you…I’d like to thank the little people who aren’t so little anymore for giving me the opportunity.

Hugs are good.  I need some more.  Where is that husband?  I’m going to go get a hug or two right now.

I accidentally included a reimbursement check of ours in with my work deposit last night!  Fortunately when I called the branch they said they found it.  Oh my.  What will I be like when I’m 70?  Stick around – it should be entertaining!

I’ve always thought it would be kind of fun to work at Target.  What do you think?  Do you think the magic would wear off if I was there all the time?  I don’t think that’s possible.

I’m using The Message version in my daily Bible reading plan this year and love it!  I found this verse yesterday in Proverbs.  I thought of writing it on a poster board and sticking it by the door:  “Dear child, if you become wise, I’ll be one happy parent…”  (Prov. 23:14-16)  The verse before that one says “Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones, a spanking won’t kill them.”

As I drove to breakfast this morning I heard a beautiful song.  The words made me cry.  Please take a minute to listen to this:

Places where grace is, soon to be so amazing…

Oh Lord, let it be true.  I’m counting on You.

Day 20 – Not Afraid

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Last night there was a disturbance, not a disturbance in the force but in the family room.  We’re navigating teenage girlhood with our youngest and the waters can be pretty turbulent at times and usually when we least expect it.  Well, a big wave of disrespect and moodiness splashed over John and I.  As we sat blinking on the couch, staring at American Idol, the stormy little instigator marched upstairs.  Moments later the disgruntled teen stomped down the stairs and out the front door!  It was nighttime – dark and chilly out.  John went to see where she went and found her sitting on the porch.  He came back in and closed the door.  I got a rush of restless energy so went to the kitchen to clean.  Cleaning always helps when I’m anxious or just need to get my body busy so I won’t sit and fret.  As I walked in and turned on the faucet to start rinsing dishes, fear blew an icy breath to fog up my heart.  I thought, “What if she runs away?  What if she does something else stupid?  What will we do?  Do I call the police?”  Then I immediately thought, “I’m not going to worry about this” and instead began to pray.  As I put dishes in the dishwasher rather forcefully, I prayed for God to send away any influence from the enemy that was affecting her and her heart.  I prayed and declared that God’s Holy Spirit was the only influence welcome in our home, in the hearts of my family.  I rebuked satan and told him to leave in Jesus’ name.

As I prayed – I was actually saying these things out loud quietly as I scrubbed the surface of the oven – I felt a growing boldness rise up.  The fear started to ebb away as I kept telling the enemy that he was not welcome, that he had no power over us, and that he had to leave because Jesus said so.  All we have to do is resist Him.  That’s what the Bible says!  (James 4:7-8)  We don’t have to punch him, fight him, wrestle with him, or convince him to go.  We just have to pull away and say “Eww, I don’t want you here.”  Well, that’s what I did.  As I prayed it was as if my wimpy little heart suddenly was fortified with the steely determination of Truth.  I said, “I’m not afraid of you!”  Instantly the fear was gone and I felt peace.  I wasn’t worried at all.  I felt strong – felt the power of God all around me, the goodness of Truth triumphing again over evil.  (Like it does EVERY time)

I remember when I was little being afraid to walk through the church with the lights off.  For some reason a church can be really creepy when it’s all dark.  There was nothing there, though!  No reason to be afraid.  And usually my parents were around somewhere getting ready to go home.   I HATE spiders, but most of them don’t hurt anyone. They’re just incredibly spindly, quick and unpredictable and can make me freak out like little else.  When my girls were little and John wasn’t home, I had to be the spider killer.  I would just tell myself, “I’m not afraid” and squish it.  Of course I would usually do it as fast as I could and then get the heebie-jeebies, but you get my point right?

I was talking with a good friend once about doubts and faith, confessing I had some doubts and was feeling guilty about it.  It was also making me afraid for the condition of my faith in God and the foundation I’ve built my life upon this whole time.  He said he didn’t think doubt is the opposite of faith, but that fear is.  I think he’s right.  Doubt usually leads me to God for understanding, for peace, for conversation.  Fear tends to paralyze me.  The Bible says that perfect love (God) casts out all fear (I John 4:17-18) so that tells me that fear is NOT of God.  Not that kind of fear anyway.  My friend told me when doubts arose in his heart, he took them to God and just decided he wasn’t going to give in to fear.  He wasn’t even going to go there.

Is it as simple as that?  Just saying, “you know what?  I’m not going to be afraid.”  I think it is!  For so long I’ve been captive to fears that have nothing to stand on.  The devil is also the prince of lies and all the fears he sloshes onto us are false.  They can be really powerful and trip us but they’re nothing.  He has no power over us.  The thought of facing him when we have God on our side is like us having a battle with a loaf of bread.  (Hilarious simile compliments of John Crump.  Makes me laugh every time I picture it.)

The next time you feel afraid – whether it’s of a dinky spider on your floor or a big, new life circumstance you find yourself in or something you don’t understand about God – choose not to be afraid.  Choose to stand tall with God’s Spirit big inside of you and all around you.  Choose to remember whose you are.  Choose to take it to God, your Father.  Choose to proclaim to the enemy, “I’m not afraid of you!”

Then watch God do something awesome.

…

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I never thought I’d be saying this but sometimes, especially in this past year, I really look forward to the day when my girls are out on their own and I’m not responsible to discipline and guide them so tangibly every single day.  It makes me tired.  One of them in particular is high maintenance and requires lots of checking up on, keeping on her back, reminding about obedience and respect, and it goes on and on.  After so many years in our home I thought maybe she would know these things a little better by now.  Sheesh!!

As I sit and type I’m thinking about my own self and my heavenly Father.  How I admire his patience.  Oh my.  I am no better than her in my slowness to really learn the things he’s been teaching me for years.  I want to be better, I want to please Him.  I just mess up, or get lazy, or mouth off sometimes.

God, please move in the heart of my daughters.  With your Spirit, draw them close, open their hearts to you for real so they will allow you to transform them and change the way they think and behave.  I can only do so much and feel such a failure right now….or at least sorely inadequate.

Thank you for being patient with me.  You’re going to have to instill some of that patience in me right now so I can parent with grace and not anger, with wisdom and not impulsive reaction from emotion.  I’m such an emotional person – that last part is a real challenge for me.  Alleviate my fears somehow that my daughter won’t grow up loving you like I wish she would.  At least give me the grace to trust you more so I won’t be afraid.  She has to make her choices.  I guess I’m not responsible for those choices but it sure feels that way.

I love her.  I want a good life for her.  I want her to know You because that will be the absolute best path for her to take.  I hope and pray she will realize that and choose…and soon!

God, I love You.  Thank you for being my father and for teaching me over and over, giving me a clean slate every day, not holding my past mistakes against me, and telling me that with You I can do it…whatever is ahead of me.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  Hebrews 12:11

Day 8 – Peace, Providence & the Peewee

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I pulled into the parking lot at work this morning and thought to myself, “How did I get here?”  My head was pounding from a sinus headache and my body evidently switched into autopilot to transport me from point A to point B.  The office is very quiet – on Wednesdays I’m usually the only one here – and so the whir of the heating system and the quiet clicking of the keys on my keyboard were the only sounds I heard for a while.  Even though my head was still hurting, the quietness was welcome and gave me peace.

God reminded me yesterday that fretting over the future or letting fear creep in robs me of the peace He has for me.  Continue reading →

I want Mike to follow me around

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Last night John and I watched “Supernanny”, this time called “SuperMANNY”.  Instead of the assertive Jo from England, confident and caring Mike from the US intervened.  We don’t know if he was just filling in or if the particular situation needed his maleness and expertise.  He offered lots of advice to the parents, of course, about being consistent, keeping their cool when disciplining and being positive.  He especially got on the mom’s case about being negative toward her kids all the time.  She would criticize them but never praise them.  He got after the dad for losing his temper and becoming explosive with the kids.  Hmmmm…both are easy traps to fall into when you’re tired or hurting, which these parents were.

One day while the dad and son did chores and so forth around the house, Mike was right there giving the dad tips about discipline, encouraging him by saying things like, “Go after him, be consistent.  Don’t let him just walk away from you.  Keep your cool.  You’re doing great.”  He followed the dad around all day and helped him.  The day went well and the father and son ended up feeling better about each other in the end.

The next day the mom and the kids went to a nearby mall.  This time, Mike stayed at a distance with a little mini-mic.  Continue reading →

Extending a wide-open hand

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A good friend of mine and I were talking about parenting and the process of gradually letting go as our kids gradually become more independent.  It’s a delicate balance, an ever so slow shifting that starts when they’re born.  My friend suggested the image of a tightly closed hand – that’s how it begins when they’re tiny, so vulnerable, so needy, so dependent.  Through the years our hand loosens the grip as they start to learn about making choices, facing consequences, wanting to start leaning and then stepping away from us in growing confidence.  They venture out, my “mom” hand keeps loosening and begins opening.  When they’re ready to leave home my hand should be fully open, fingers outstretched.  I extend that hand to my fledgling child in blessing and congratulations, “You’re ready and I’m proud of you. Go.”

hand2I realize that my child needs me but in different ways and definitely different doses.  Remembering how I thought and acted at that age has been helping me tremendously.  I remember being so eager to get out and get away from home, not because I didn’t love my mom and dad, but I was tired of that routine and ready for something new.  The new and unknown was exciting and full of possibility.  I would be creating my own milestones, making decisions wise and foolish, having adventures, doing my own thing.  No sister and brother to contend with, no parents to determine my curfew or how I spent my time.  It was a heavenly time between being home with them and the pressures of real life that would follow college.  Freedom!

God, keep this memory close to my heart when I start to feel sad or perplexed in this stage of life.  I want to focus on the joy and promise my daughters face as they continue to grow and mature.  I want to just pray for them, be here if they need me, but respect their space.  I’m going to need constant surveillance from You and for you to keep me in line.  I’m sure my girls will thank you!  I spread my hands open wide trusting You to always hold them securely…please don’t YOU ever let go.

I’m still in your presence,
…you’ve taken my hand.
You wisely and tenderly lead me,
and then you bless me.        Psalm 73:23-24  The Msg.

Limbo

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Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.  Proverbs 3:5-6  The Message

“How low can you go?”

I can almost hear my Heavenly Father’s deep voice say this while signaling his two smiling angel helpers (we’ll call them Gabe & Mike) to lower the limbo bar as I shimmy under for another round.   I’ve never been very good at the limbo, not being very limber or skilled at bending my body completely backwards while continuing to walk.  You know, my knees and spine just don’t like it.  I marvel at the people who can practically lay back on an invisible board, gliding underneath the bar that’s inches from the floor.  That definitely won’t be me.  I’m trusting God knows how low I can go.  Of course, He has a record of showing me I can go farther or lower than I thought I could!

We’ve played the limbo at the girls’ birthday parties with their friends.  I much prefer the job of holding the limbo bar.  Continue reading →

When You Get There

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I still smile and laugh to myself when I remember our youngest girl, Kristine, at the age of 4, telling me that she didn’t want to grow up.  When I asked her why not she answered, “I don’t know how to grocery shop.  I don’t know how to drive.”

I giggled and said, “It’s okay, when you get older you’ll learn those things.  You don’t have to worry about that right now.  You’ll know when you get there.”

“Well I don’t want to be a mommy.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know how to take care of babies!”

long-road-walking-walk-score-photoI think I eventually convinced her that although she didn’t know at the age of 4 what she would need to know 15-20 years down the road it was okay.  She wasn’t supposed to.  It would come later.  I tried to help her see that growing up was fun and good, that she would like it and that it’s just what happens naturally to all of us.

God brought this memory front and center this morning and showed me that I do this all the time; I look waaaay down the road and panic thinking “I don’t know how do those things!”  In my heart I try to jump way ahead and figure everything out, I guess so I’ll feel I have some minute amount of control over my life and the outcomes.   The “what ifs” pile up into needless anxiety.

I feel like He’s saying to me this morning, “You don’t have to know what to do when and if that time comes because when you get there, you’ll know.  I’ll show you.  I’ll teach you.  Why are you worrying about that now?” Continue reading →

Talkin’ to myself

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One of my favorite classes in college was called “Interpersonal Relationships”.  It was taught by a brilliant, albeit slightly odd, professor with frizzy hair and a laugh that sounded like a happy donkey braying.  For two hours he’d lay out nuggets of wisdom before us: exploring relationships, behavior, interactions with others, and more.  I soaked it up like a sponge.  I wish I still had the notebook from that class.  (Maybe I do – I just don’t know where it is.)  We had a short dinner break, then would come back for the last two hours to practice what we’d been learning by role playing in front of a video camera, then watching our “performance” with Dr. Farmen critiquing and giving feedback.  I have used so much of what I learned in that class all throughout my life.  I’m thankful to Dr. Farmen for pushing us, challenging us, and really teaching us more about people and why they behave the way they do.

One of the jewels he brought out in lecture one night was the idea of a “self-fulfilling prophecy”.  This is when something you think about someone affects the way you behave toward that person, which actually makes them more like the label you’ve given them.  For example, if a teacher labels a child a “trouble maker” then his/her behavior will (even subconsciously) communicate that label and cause the child to be even more a trouble maker.  I’ve seen that happen in the schools where I used to work, even with my own daughter.  One teacher she had saw her “spunk” and overly active little self as a real negative Continue reading →

Deja vu and freshman year envy

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IMG_2435The day finally arrived for Kimmi and she is now moved in at AU and ready for her first year of college!  She had her car loaded up and ready to go and after running some last-minute errands in the morning we headed to Anderson in the early afternoon.  Driving over, I kept glancing in the side rear-view mirror to see her following behind.  The words in the mirror were a strange comfort:  “objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.”  John wondered aloud if Kimmi had butterflies.  “I do,” I replied as he chuckled.

IMG_2437We arrived at Rice Hall, where I lived my sophomore year and John lived for four years.  A friendly student started to lead us upstairs to her room and as we rounded the 2nd floor set of stairs we were greeted by a bunch of smiling, colorful, upper-class art students (the dreadlocks kind of gave it away).  They guessed Kimmi’s name until they got it right, then told her they were ready to help her move in!  The moment they began their enthusiastic welcome to a much-delighted Kimmi, I could almost feel John and I becoming invisible and fading farther back in the stairwell.  This is what’s supposed to happen, though.   Continue reading →