Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

He was there

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I got my diagnosis on my mom’s birthday.  That just doesn’t seem right does it?  My surgery was that Friday, only five days later.  What a whirlwind week it was.  My parents dropped everything and drove to St. Louis to be with us, even though my dad was a pastor with a busy schedule.  I don’t remember how many days I had to stay in the hospital, I think only two.  I just remember with clarity an early morning blood draw to check my white cell count to see if I could go home.

Shortly after the lab tech left the room, my dad walked in.  He was carrying his garment bag and told me he was about to go back home but wanted to come see me first.  While he was with me, my surgeon, Dr. Billy, came in to tell me that my levels were low and I was going to have to stay longer in the hospital.  My heart sunk into a fearful thought that there might be more cancer.  Then Dr. Billy noticed they had drawn blood out of the arm that had an IV and it had diluted the blood sample.  He had them come back in and draw from my other arm, it was okay, and I was able to go home!

It may not sound like a big deal, but it helped so much that my dad was there.  I didn’t have to be alone through that brief unsettling moment.  He was thinking of me that morning and wanted me to know.  He was there because he loves me.  What did I do to get my dad to love me? Continue reading →

Look beyond the ugly

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We watch HGTV all the time, I mean a LOT.  For some reason it’s really fun to see homes, furniture, rooms and what not fixed up, updated, changed, painted, re-styled, and more…basically made better.  One of our new favorites is the Property Brothers in which Jonathan Scott, a seasoned realty agent, and his brother Drew, a contractor/renovator, convince people to trust them to create their dream home.

The show always starts with the brothers taking a couple to a fabulous updated home, one that holds all the items on their hearts’ wish list, and then letting the couple’s hearts crash into reality when they hear the price of that home.  Time for Drew to step up and tell them he can help make an older or outdated home into their dream home for less.

If the house hunting couple agrees to give it a go, Jonathan takes them to see all sorts of…well…not so lovely homes so they can pick which one they want to renovate.  I have to say I don’t blame the couples for wrinkling their noses at some of them.  What with the orange shag carpeting, the dark 70’s paneling, painted wrought iron railings, dirt and even mold, the fake stone front fireplaces and tiny kitchens with fluorescent lighting, the words “dream home” are not the first to come to mind! Continue reading →

Didn’t see it coming

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10 years ago, on the morning of September 11, 2001, hundreds of people went to work or about their morning routine in the city like they did every other day.  They didn’t know terror and tragedy were on the way, or that they would soon face death.  They didn’t see it coming.

8 years ago, on the afternoon of September 8, 2003, I received a cancer diagnosis from my surgeon.  I felt fine and had no unusual symptoms besides a small lump in my breast.  I didn’t see that coming, for sure.

About a month ago, here in town, a young couple riding on their motorcycle on a beautiful sunny afternoon was crushed between two SUVs because the driver coming up behind them at an intersection was intoxicated.  They left behind small children and many shocked, saddened family and friends.  They certainly didn’t know that was going to happen.

I could list story after story and we’ve all heard it before:  none of us knows what will happen tomorrow, or even in the next hour.   Time is far more precious than we usually realize or remember.  Just reminding you as I remind myself.

Kind of makes the silly things I get upset about trivial and ridiculous:  like the self-checkout clerk being a bit too chatty and helpful Continue reading →

The noise upstairs

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It just gets too quiet sometimes around our house these days.  Now that two of our girls are in college and our youngest is gone often with friends, I miss those sounds I’ve loved all throughout our life.  I miss the sounds of the girls giggling, talking, singing in their rooms or playing instruments, playing video games, having friends in and putting on plays, running in and outside the house, and just life.  I miss the sound of them walking up and down the stairs, doing dishes in the kitchen while singing to their iPod, typing away on the computer keyboard across the room, talking on their phones, or even watching TV.  Those sounds let me know my girls were home.

Last weekend all my girls were here, along with my oldest daughter’s boyfriend.  As John and I went to bed at night, I heard their footsteps upstairs, Continue reading →

The handwriting was on the…card

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I’m sure in every job there is pressure to get things right, to not make mistakes, but it seems in a doctor’s office when people depend on other people who depend on other people to get patients scheduled, signed in, in to see the doctor and treated in a somewhat timely manner, there is extra pressure.  Add people’s busy schedules and often stressful lives to the mix and the pressure to get it right is multiplied.

I help make appointments as one of my duties.  It’s a simple task but if I’m not careful little mistakes can turn into big, embarrassing problems.

One day a nice gal came into the office and up to the counter, saying she had two appointments that day:  One with an ENT doc, and then with the Allergist downstairs.  I looked on our list and didn’t see her name.  I told her no problem, we’d check the other computer program that has the schedule on it.  She wasn’t there either.  I did an inquiry into appointments made and she had been there a few weeks earlier but there was nothing else listed.  I asked her if maybe she got mixed up.  She said she had the appointment card in her car, the one showing she had these two appointments on it.  She went out to get it.

I turned around to look at my friends who also work up front and make appointments.  We didn’t really say anything but we were all hoping it wasn’t our handwriting on that card when she came back in.  Someone gave her the card and forgot to put the appointments in the computer which was a big deal because she probably wouldn’t get seen that day.  She had taken time off work and everything.

Well in a moment she came back in Continue reading →

We really are so much the same

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She could barely keep two feet on the ground as her mom paid the bill and made the next appointment.  She giggled with a grin so wide I could see practically all her teeth, and bounced up and down on her toes, looking all around excitedly.  This girl exuded joy!  Why?  She had just gotten her new hearing aids and could hear everything more clearly than ever before.  She had been nervous and hesitant, not knowing what it would be like, but I could tell she was glad she decided to give them a go.  Watching her was so much fun.  I felt buoyed up by her happiness. I joined in the fun, rustling my papers and clicking the keyboard, “Can you hear this?”  “Yes!” she exclaimed with bright, happy eyes.  It was easy to laugh and smile with her and her mom.

I remember getting my first pair of glasses as a 2nd grader and being able to see details, tree branches outside, and that there were actually things and people in the distance instead of a bunch of blurs.  I remember Christmas mornings with my brother and sister, family vacations, my first real kiss, falling in love with John, having our baby girls, and so many more of those moments that made me want to bounce on my toes and not stop grinning.

Then there was the patient who came out after getting not so encouraging test results.   Continue reading →

Worth It

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If I based my worth on people’s opinions of me I would be whipped to and fro like a ride on one of those old wooden roller coasters.  It’s not really fun and it gives me a headache.

If I based my worth on how I feel about myself any given day or moment, I’d be just as fickle and unsure, my self-image battered and held hostage to whichever emotion ruled at the time.

Am I overly emotional at times?  Yes.

A little silly?  Um, yes.

Perfectionistic and holding unrealistic standards for myself, even without the input of others?  You bet.

Prone to make mistakes even on my best days?  Of course. Continue reading →

Trialaphobia

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She had just finished telling me how important antibacterial soap and lotion are and that she used hand sanitizer all the time.  She avoided touching handles in public and things that might be touched by a lot of other folks.  Then, before she left, she told me that she gets sick all the time.  She’s someone I’d label a bit of a germaphobic, in the kindest way of course.

Hold up, though, something isn’t adding up here.   She uses those preventative products religiously and gets sick more than people like me that don’t use that stuff very often.

On the grand continuum of using those anti-germ products, I stand closer to the “don’t care so much” end.  Don’t judge!  I’m a clean person, just not overly concerned.  I don’t eat off the floor, but I don’t bleach everything and use hand sanitizer all the time.  It’s just not me.  I also have pretty tough antibodies and don’t get sick very often.

I’m not saying I’m better, but I am saying that getting sick once in a while can actually make us stronger and more able to fight off the next wave of illness.   Now, don’t come over and sneeze on me just to teach me a lesson.

We humans also tend to be a bit trialaphobic: trying to avoid trials, challenges and suffering at all costs.  Is it that deep down inside we think that will help us avoid them even more in the future?   Or that life will be easier, more comfortable? Continue reading →

If I got a tattoo

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I know what it would have to say:  “It’s not about you.”

What is this constant, nagging, sneaky and subtle need we have to focus on ourselves?  It seems I work hard not to and ask God to help me put self aside and no sooner think I’ve made progress than I notice I’m thinking about myself again…or giving myself credit, or assuming something is up to me that is actually up to Him.

It’s one of those long-as-life projects, I think, and it’s not really my project.  It’s God’s.

I would probably benefit from having a tattoo that reminded me of this crucial truth every time I saw it.  Maybe it would be best across my forehead, backward so that when I looked in the mirror I could read it and remember.

It’s not that I should hate myself, or berate myself.  It’s not that I should think of myself as a loser, though sometimes I do. Continue reading →

I know

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I know God is able, but it’s still sometimes hard to completely trust.

I know He’s done amazing things for you in the past, but it’s still hard to not give in to fear and frustration especially after the last few tough years you’ve made it through.

I know I just blogged about life being easy and wondering how I was going to stay desperate for God – I wasn’t asking for trouble I promise, but I’m definitely feeling desperate for Him right now.

I see so many good things God has done for others I love and it gives me hope, but it’s still hard to watch you be confused, angry, stressed, down or restless…especially when you refuse help.  That actually makes me angry, if I’m honest.

I know you think you’ll figure it out on your own, that you’re tough and will make it through, but it’s harder than you know and you need Jesus to help.  Trust me.

I know you feel like your life sucks, but you should see all the good things and people in your life that I see.

I know you think that you need certain people or a certain someone to make you happy, but you won’t find that fulfillment and peace in a person, it only really comes from God.  Until you give in to that truth, you will be stuck in this aggravating wilderness you see all around you.

I know you think I’m annoying and a broken record, but someday when you’re a parent you’ll understand.  I kind of wish you could understand right now.

I know you think you can predict everything I’m going to say and everything I’m thinking.  The biggest thing I’m thinking is that I love you and want you to be whole.

I need to get back to what I really know and not what I feel because what I feel is anger, frustration, and anxiety.  I evidently need to spend more time with God.  I need His perfect love to flood in and push out those feelings and worries.

I know God is able.  I know He’s good.

I know He knows you better than anyone and knows the way to lead you through.   He loves you even more than I do.

I know You’re sensitive to Him and hear Him because I’ve seen that happen in the past.

I know He’s stronger than you and your stubborn will.  I know He gave you that will for a reason and can shape your heart so that every part of your character is used for good.

I need to zoom out and get perspective.  You probably should, too.  This is not the end of the world.  We need to fly up above emotions, up into the free and airy space of faith and hope, up into God’s arms that have always been there, always open and ready to give refuge.

You really don’t know how much I love you.  But I know.