Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

Great Kindness

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A grateful one bows before you to thank you, Lord…in silent tears, there is so much to thank you for.  I have nothing, nothing if not for you.  How can I repay you?  How can I ever give back to You?  I always will remember your great kindness.

In desperate need, I cried out you delivered me…my soul from death, my feet from stumbling, my eyes from tears.  I will lift up salvation’s cup and call Your name.  How can I repay You?  How can I ever give back to You?  I always will remember your great kindness.  ~ John Ellis, Tree63

Today I experienced the joy of sharing something God has done for me with a friend.  She’s actually my hair stylist and whenever I visit with her it’s a blast.  I don’t know the extent of her faith in God or how personal it is to her, but I always feel open to share whatever with her.  We joked that bartenders and hair stylists probably hear people’s woes and personal stories more than anyone.  We’ve been “friends” long enough that we ask about each other’s kids and families while she washes and trims my hair.  She asked how the girls were doing so I shared with her the awesome thing Jesus did for my youngest on Wednesday night.  It was fresh on my heart and on the tip of my tongue, just begging to come out and glorify God.  She was happy along with me.  I hope it will stick with her and cause her to think about God tonight and want to know Him more.

I know I don’t always feel like praising and sharing what God’s doing, especially when those low times hit and I feel sad or am having a hard time pulling my feet out of the sticky glop of self-pity….but truly His kindness is shown to me and my family Continue reading →

Slaying Self

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It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?  Romans 7:21-24 The Msg                   These words were penned by the apostle Paul.

It’s the daily battle with a relentless enemy that gets me down lately.  I constantly have to deal with a shrewd pain in the spiritual rear who plays on my emotions, tries to draw me back to old habits once left behind, swaggers along behind tossing a heavy coat of insecurity and pride on me time and time again no matter how many times I throw it off.  Whenever I get irritated enough to turn around I see that it’s me:  my old nature, my sinful self following me around.

I want to get rid of self but it’s like a static cling.   No matter what milestones I pass or lessons I learn, it’s a dormant disease that never fully goes away.  I feel I could scream Paul’s words sometimes.  What can I do, God?  I know what’s right but so often don’t do it.  I’m my own worst enemy!  Help!

In the book “Voyage of the Dawn Treader” by C.S. Lewis, one of the main characters, Eustace, discovers the answer to this universal problem.  Continue reading →

Who I’m Not

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I have the joy of hanging out with the senior high kids on Wednesday nights at church.  I don’t have much responsibility except once a month or so handing out snacks, which is fun because teenagers love to eat.   A bonus is getting to witness God at work in young hearts.  Another bonus is having him work in my heart at the same time.  You know adults have a lot of the same insecurities that teenagers do and need a lot of the same lessons and reminders.  Even though there’s an age difference we’re all walking the path together.

Tonight we were taught that in order to know who we really are, we have to realize, admit and decide who we are NOT.  What a great truth and how we all need to know it.  [Important side note: During worship the youth band led the song “How He Loves” and as we sang the words about how much God loves us, my throat tightened and my eyes stung a little.  In my heart I told God that I don’t really feel that right now but I was singing it trying to believe it.  You know, prolonged waiting and trusting and uncertainty have a way of wearing one out.] Anyway, after the message, we had the opportunity to respond by going to tables in the back which were covered in brown paper with giant red “No” symbols painted on them.  Continue reading →

The questions with no answers

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I know you have them, too.  Those deep thoughts about the meaning of life and the way things are and why they’re the way they are.  The thoughts and questions that, if you dwell on them too long, start to make you feel anxious or weird or small.   While I was driving to work yesterday, watching the sun grow brighter and then seeing colorful purple and pink clouds spreading away from that rising sun as I drove over a hill, my mind started asking some of those questions – the questions with no answers.  Continue reading →

Get out of my way, I can’t see!

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It happens every once in a while:  something I’m concerned about grows so large within me it swallows me up and leaves me feeling trapped in stomach-churning anxiety.  I know I should trust God, I know He’s good, I know He’s in control, I know He can handle anything.  It’s just that sometimes these concerns get in the way and I can’t see God.

It happened on Saturday.  I was at my parents’ home for the weekend, helping my mom pack up.  They’ll be moving to Arizona soon for their retirement and couldn’t be more excited.  It was so good to spend time with them.  For some reason on Saturday I started thinking again about the extreme tightness of my family’s budget right now and that it’s likely to be that way for some time because of our circumstance and I couldn’t even eat the yummy double-cheeseburger my dad had brought me.  I think the grinding sound my brakes made on my trip over and the idea of another car repair bill got it all stirred up this time.  Continue reading →

They Inspire Me

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When we lived in New Mexico I decided to begin jogging.  The first week or so during my run I’d develop a stitch in my side.  A neighbor who was an avid jogger told me that it would help if I took more intentional, bigger breaths as I ran.   When I tried it, it helped!  I needed some more oxygen.  I can’t imagine running without taking big breaths.  In fact, moving at all would be impossible without breathing…so would living!

I have several good friends who are on the journey of illness and recovery.   They each have blogs or care pages so I can read their thoughts, feelings, and experiences along the way.  They inspire me.  They are choosing to trust God and look at the best side of things as much as possible.   It’s not that they are “Pollyannas” or candycoat their experiences; they’re honest and real and that is probably the biggest inspiration of all. Continue reading →

All of us little chicks

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When John and I got married, we started walking this narrow path together.  Little by little God added to our group and soon we had three little girls following along.  Sometimes we’d hold hands, sometimes they’d skip along on their own.  As they grew, becoming more independent, occasionally one might fall back a little, walking at a distance from the rest of us.   If one stumbled or got hurt, John and I were quick to help them up.   We’ve done our best to walk in a way that helps them stay the course and not be led astray.   I know Jesus is always with us, but it’s been nice to have the company of each other as we journey along, especially when one of us is having a hard time.

The last few years and especially in the last few months that image of us all walking this road together has become so vivid in my mind and it comforts me.  There have been times when John and I have faltered Continue reading →

Clear away the junk

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It seems my glasses are always dirty.  I don’t even know where the stuff comes from that makes them that way throughout the day – pollution?  I often don’t realize how dirty they are until I’m looking in a mirror.  Once I clean them and put them back on and everything is much clearer I realize just how dirty they were.  Ahhhh, it’s so much nicer to be able to really see.  That’s better! Continue reading →

The Thursday of Thanks

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It’s Thursday and you know what that means – thankfulness!  I thought I’d go A to Z today.  I’m thankful for:

A – Apples, especially crispy, tart ones

B – Babies, baby hugs, baby smiles…babies – whenever I get a chance to hold a friend’s baby or take care of them, my troubles seem to fade for a while

C – Cats, specifically Rocky the wonder cat, except when he’s knocking things off the bathroom counter for fun at 2:30 in the morning

D – Dogs, specifically Sunny our sweet geriatric canine.  We may have to put her down soon so I’m extra thankful for her and giving her extra lovins.

E – Excel.  I know, weird, but it popped in my head.  My work would be a lot tougher if someone hadn’t invented Microsoft Excel.

F – Farts.  Just think how we’d feel if we couldn’t fart.  That gas has gotta come out somehow and I think it’s great that God made it happen in a way that makes us laugh.  Not sure why He made them smell so bad, though.  I would have made them smell like cinnamon rolls.

G – Girls.  My girls, my sister, my mom, my girlfriends, girls in the youth group at church and my daughters’ college friends.  Girls rock.

H – Hair.  Even though I change my mind on style a lot, I have enough hair for 10 people and don’t want to take it for granted.  This has come to the forefront with so many of my friends dealing with cancer and chemo.

I – Ice cream.  DUH.

J – John, my partner, love and friend.

K – Kimmi, Kaitlin and Krissy.  Okay, I know that’s 3 k’s but it’s my list.

L – Leaves, especially the bright orange-red ones on maple trees in the fall, especially on a sunny, blue sky day.

M – M & Ms – my latest favorite is the pretzel ones

N – New songs – it’s so great to find a new song I love – something fresh.

O – Oreo McFlurries, snack size of course.

P – People, on the whole they’re very interesting and good company.  They can also be toots but I guess that goes with the territory.

Q – Quiet

R – Really good, faithful friends  (I know that should be in the “Fs” but humor me)

S – Soup – I love making soup.  It’s one good thing about fall and the upcoming winter.

T – Toenails.  I’m losing one of mine and never thought to be thankful for them.

U – Underwear.  Seriously – we’re better off for it right?

V – Vacation – something I’d love to have right now!  It’s great when it comes.

W – Water.  Another thing I definitely don’t want to take for granted.  Clear, clean water to drink.  Running water in my house.

X – Christ (X is the Greek letter symbolizing Christ –  like in “X-mas”)

Y – Yelling at a concert – I was just thinking how fun that is.

Z – Zoos.  St. Louis has one of the best and it was FREE.  I miss going there!

How about you?  Share some of your A-Z thanks…

The Joy of Cleaning Toilets

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I still refer to it as one of the best, most life-changing summers of my life.  It was the summer of 1985 and I was on staff at a family camp in the San Bernardino mountains of California.  “Forest Home” was my home for almost three months and I loved it there among the tall pine trees and rugged rocky slopes.  Each week a different group of families would come through so there was constant activity and life happening all around.  I was assigned to the “Accomo” crew, which is short for “Accommodations”, which means housekeeping.  My crew mates and I would travel by pick-up trucks to the various cabins and dorms where the people stayed, changing bed sheets, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, and all that kind of stuff.   We would load up with canvas bags of clean sheets, bags for the dirty sheets, cleaning supplies, vacuum cleaners, mops, buckets, you name it and work all day.  It was hard work and tiring.  There were times my feet would hurt from standing in showers being in tennis shoes wet with cleaning solution and disinfectant all day.  I went through lots of hand lotion from all the washing we did.  I did learn how to drive using side rearview mirrors – navigating out of narrow gravel driveways without going off a ledge (Actually I did go off a ledge once but no one got hurt).  Continue reading →