Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

Who I’m Not

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I have the joy of hanging out with the senior high kids on Wednesday nights at church.  I don’t have much responsibility except once a month or so handing out snacks, which is fun because teenagers love to eat.   A bonus is getting to witness God at work in young hearts.  Another bonus is having him work in my heart at the same time.  You know adults have a lot of the same insecurities that teenagers do and need a lot of the same lessons and reminders.  Even though there’s an age difference we’re all walking the path together.

Tonight we were taught that in order to know who we really are, we have to realize, admit and decide who we are NOT.  What a great truth and how we all need to know it.  [Important side note: During worship the youth band led the song “How He Loves” and as we sang the words about how much God loves us, my throat tightened and my eyes stung a little.  In my heart I told God that I don’t really feel that right now but I was singing it trying to believe it.  You know, prolonged waiting and trusting and uncertainty have a way of wearing one out.] Anyway, after the message, we had the opportunity to respond by going to tables in the back which were covered in brown paper with giant red “No” symbols painted on them.  Continue reading →

The questions with no answers

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I know you have them, too.  Those deep thoughts about the meaning of life and the way things are and why they’re the way they are.  The thoughts and questions that, if you dwell on them too long, start to make you feel anxious or weird or small.   While I was driving to work yesterday, watching the sun grow brighter and then seeing colorful purple and pink clouds spreading away from that rising sun as I drove over a hill, my mind started asking some of those questions – the questions with no answers.  Continue reading →

Get out of my way, I can’t see!

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It happens every once in a while:  something I’m concerned about grows so large within me it swallows me up and leaves me feeling trapped in stomach-churning anxiety.  I know I should trust God, I know He’s good, I know He’s in control, I know He can handle anything.  It’s just that sometimes these concerns get in the way and I can’t see God.

It happened on Saturday.  I was at my parents’ home for the weekend, helping my mom pack up.  They’ll be moving to Arizona soon for their retirement and couldn’t be more excited.  It was so good to spend time with them.  For some reason on Saturday I started thinking again about the extreme tightness of my family’s budget right now and that it’s likely to be that way for some time because of our circumstance and I couldn’t even eat the yummy double-cheeseburger my dad had brought me.  I think the grinding sound my brakes made on my trip over and the idea of another car repair bill got it all stirred up this time.  Continue reading →

They Inspire Me

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When we lived in New Mexico I decided to begin jogging.  The first week or so during my run I’d develop a stitch in my side.  A neighbor who was an avid jogger told me that it would help if I took more intentional, bigger breaths as I ran.   When I tried it, it helped!  I needed some more oxygen.  I can’t imagine running without taking big breaths.  In fact, moving at all would be impossible without breathing…so would living!

I have several good friends who are on the journey of illness and recovery.   They each have blogs or care pages so I can read their thoughts, feelings, and experiences along the way.  They inspire me.  They are choosing to trust God and look at the best side of things as much as possible.   It’s not that they are “Pollyannas” or candycoat their experiences; they’re honest and real and that is probably the biggest inspiration of all. Continue reading →

All of us little chicks

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When John and I got married, we started walking this narrow path together.  Little by little God added to our group and soon we had three little girls following along.  Sometimes we’d hold hands, sometimes they’d skip along on their own.  As they grew, becoming more independent, occasionally one might fall back a little, walking at a distance from the rest of us.   If one stumbled or got hurt, John and I were quick to help them up.   We’ve done our best to walk in a way that helps them stay the course and not be led astray.   I know Jesus is always with us, but it’s been nice to have the company of each other as we journey along, especially when one of us is having a hard time.

The last few years and especially in the last few months that image of us all walking this road together has become so vivid in my mind and it comforts me.  There have been times when John and I have faltered Continue reading →

Clear away the junk

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It seems my glasses are always dirty.  I don’t even know where the stuff comes from that makes them that way throughout the day – pollution?  I often don’t realize how dirty they are until I’m looking in a mirror.  Once I clean them and put them back on and everything is much clearer I realize just how dirty they were.  Ahhhh, it’s so much nicer to be able to really see.  That’s better! Continue reading →

The Thursday of Thanks

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It’s Thursday and you know what that means – thankfulness!  I thought I’d go A to Z today.  I’m thankful for:

A – Apples, especially crispy, tart ones

B – Babies, baby hugs, baby smiles…babies – whenever I get a chance to hold a friend’s baby or take care of them, my troubles seem to fade for a while

C – Cats, specifically Rocky the wonder cat, except when he’s knocking things off the bathroom counter for fun at 2:30 in the morning

D – Dogs, specifically Sunny our sweet geriatric canine.  We may have to put her down soon so I’m extra thankful for her and giving her extra lovins.

E – Excel.  I know, weird, but it popped in my head.  My work would be a lot tougher if someone hadn’t invented Microsoft Excel.

F – Farts.  Just think how we’d feel if we couldn’t fart.  That gas has gotta come out somehow and I think it’s great that God made it happen in a way that makes us laugh.  Not sure why He made them smell so bad, though.  I would have made them smell like cinnamon rolls.

G – Girls.  My girls, my sister, my mom, my girlfriends, girls in the youth group at church and my daughters’ college friends.  Girls rock.

H – Hair.  Even though I change my mind on style a lot, I have enough hair for 10 people and don’t want to take it for granted.  This has come to the forefront with so many of my friends dealing with cancer and chemo.

I – Ice cream.  DUH.

J – John, my partner, love and friend.

K – Kimmi, Kaitlin and Krissy.  Okay, I know that’s 3 k’s but it’s my list.

L – Leaves, especially the bright orange-red ones on maple trees in the fall, especially on a sunny, blue sky day.

M – M & Ms – my latest favorite is the pretzel ones

N – New songs – it’s so great to find a new song I love – something fresh.

O – Oreo McFlurries, snack size of course.

P – People, on the whole they’re very interesting and good company.  They can also be toots but I guess that goes with the territory.

Q – Quiet

R – Really good, faithful friends  (I know that should be in the “Fs” but humor me)

S – Soup – I love making soup.  It’s one good thing about fall and the upcoming winter.

T – Toenails.  I’m losing one of mine and never thought to be thankful for them.

U – Underwear.  Seriously – we’re better off for it right?

V – Vacation – something I’d love to have right now!  It’s great when it comes.

W – Water.  Another thing I definitely don’t want to take for granted.  Clear, clean water to drink.  Running water in my house.

X – Christ (X is the Greek letter symbolizing Christ –  like in “X-mas”)

Y – Yelling at a concert – I was just thinking how fun that is.

Z – Zoos.  St. Louis has one of the best and it was FREE.  I miss going there!

How about you?  Share some of your A-Z thanks…

The Joy of Cleaning Toilets

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I still refer to it as one of the best, most life-changing summers of my life.  It was the summer of 1985 and I was on staff at a family camp in the San Bernardino mountains of California.  “Forest Home” was my home for almost three months and I loved it there among the tall pine trees and rugged rocky slopes.  Each week a different group of families would come through so there was constant activity and life happening all around.  I was assigned to the “Accomo” crew, which is short for “Accommodations”, which means housekeeping.  My crew mates and I would travel by pick-up trucks to the various cabins and dorms where the people stayed, changing bed sheets, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, and all that kind of stuff.   We would load up with canvas bags of clean sheets, bags for the dirty sheets, cleaning supplies, vacuum cleaners, mops, buckets, you name it and work all day.  It was hard work and tiring.  There were times my feet would hurt from standing in showers being in tennis shoes wet with cleaning solution and disinfectant all day.  I went through lots of hand lotion from all the washing we did.  I did learn how to drive using side rearview mirrors – navigating out of narrow gravel driveways without going off a ledge (Actually I did go off a ledge once but no one got hurt).  Continue reading →

Just a little farther

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A little girl stands on the edge of a swimming pool, a little tentative and yet excited at the same time.  While she stands biting a nail, her daddy stands in the water, arms outstretched, urging her to jump in and swim to him.  He’s only about 4 feet from the side of the pool.  A big smile spreads across her face as she jumps in with a splash and begins paddling her arms and kicking her legs, heading toward her dad.  He never takes his eyes off of her but slowly steps back a little farther without her really noticing.  She keeps swimming and he steps back a little more.  When she’s had enough and starts to splutter he grabs her just at the right moment and pulls her to himself.  They hug, laughing.   “Why did you keep moving back, Daddy?!” she asks still panting a little but hanging on with arms and legs wrapped around him.  “I knew you could go farther.  I was watching and I was right there in case you went under.”  Even though it was a little disconcerting, it bolstered the little girl’s confidence in her ability to get to Him again the next time.  She could do more than she thought she could.  Her dad proved He was trustworthy.

I read an interesting supposition in a book the other day:  that God answers prayers more readily for new followers/new believers because they are so fresh in their faith and need frequent reassurances to build trust.  The author proposed that as we grow and mature God doesn’t answer as quickly because He wants us to seek Him, to press in harder, sometimes even reaching the point of desperation for Him.  He knows we can go farther.  What do you think?  Continue reading →

Faith Fatigue

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Sometimes cheerleaders need a cheerleader themselves.  Sometimes those who are often strong need someone strong.  Sometimes those with deep convictions need reassurance.  Even those with strong faith face times when it’s harder to believe, or at least harder to stand up tall and declare with confidence that God is at work.   Getting through life sometimes feels like I’m a scrawny rookie football player trying to make it past a line of huge linesmen pumped up on adrenaline and ready to take me down.  As I run I get bumped from side to side, tripped, flipped over, even knocked flat once in a while.  When that happens there are times I jump up, impassioned, fueled and motivated to run even harder.  Then there are times when I just lay there looking up at the sky.

I was looking up at the sky today.   Continue reading →