Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

Day 14 – Ruined

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ru·in// [roo-in]

1.  ruins, the remains of a building, city, etc., that has been destroyed or that is in disrepair or a state of decay
2.  a destroyed or decayed building, town, etc.
3.  a fallen, wrecked, or decayed condition: The building fell to ruin.
4.  the downfall, decay, or destruction of anything.
5.  the complete loss of health, means, position, hope, or the like.
6.  something that causes a downfall or destruction; blight: Alcohol was his ruin.
7.  the downfall of a person; undoing: the ruin of Oedipus.
8.  a person as the wreck of his or her former self; ravaged individual.
9.  the act of causing destruction or a downfall.

I heard a convicting, compelling message yesterday by Pastor Craig Groeschel of Lifechurch.tv about practical atheism in the Church:  when people profess belief in God but live as if He doesn’t exist.  Craig proposed that if we’ve really encountered God and given our hearts to Him, we would be living transformed lives.  Things would be different.  We wouldn’t be thinking we can just say or do whatever we want and still be God’s child, still be saved.  It’s as if we say of our faith, “I’ll take what I want but give back the rest.”  Craig said we don’t fully surrender to or obey God because we don’t fear Him and we don’t fear Him because we don’t really know Him.

I think back to elementary school days.  If a little friend of mine tried to tell me what to do, I might put my hands on my hips, look them square in the eye and say “you’re not the boss of me.”  However, if my teacher called my name, or worse called me to her desk, and told me to do something, I would go do it right away.  I didn’t want to get in trouble!   I appropriately “feared” or respected my teachers because I knew that they were in charge and I wasn’t.

Jesus said even the demons believe in God and tremble.  How many of us who say we believe in God tremble in His presence or have a reverent awe-filled fear of who He is?  Do we know/realize who He is?

Pastor Craig asserted that when we truly encounter God we are ruined.  Our values change completely – what was once so important to us is not important anymore.  Instead, we are transformed by passion from God’s own heart and pursue what He values – which in turn leads us to a rich, full, forgiven and free life.

In the Old Testament you can read the story of Isaiah, a man who had a very personal, life-changing, mind-blowing encounter with God Almighty.  Aside from being overwhelmed visually by the immense majesty and presence of His Creator, there were the resounding songs of praise by angels who hovered near.  Their thunderous voices singing “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!” were so powerful the very floor shook where Isaiah stood and the room filled with smoke.  He fell to his face shouting, “I’m ruined!  I’m so sinful. I could not be more unworthy!  I’m a man of unclean lips and yet my eyes have actually seen the Lord!”  An angel came to him with a burning coal to purge his lips and make him clean.  Instead of death or chastisement, he was forgiven.   Then when Isaiah heard God asking for volunteers to go and do his will, Isaiah jumped up, probably waving his hands and answering, “Me!  Here I am, Lord!  I will do whatever you say.  I’ll go.”  (Isaiah 6)

One of the definitions of the word “ruin” above that I particularly relate to talks of the downfall or undoing of a person.   There are moments when I come face to face with God’s holiness and I realize again, falling face down in my heart, that my flimsy cardboard will is no match for the gale-force wind of God’s majesty and presence.  In surrender, I come undone.  The things my heart has treasured begin to fall away and I mourn.  I watch the downfall of my human understanding, the loss of every earthly thing, the wreck of my efforts to save myself, the destruction of all my plans and expectations.  It all sweeps away as great, roaring breakers of God’s love crash down.  They wash over me and I find myself lifted out of the rubble, buoyed up by love so deep my feet can’t touch the bottom.  I float helplessly and thankfully straight to Jesus’ arms, where I find salvation and hope.   Now that I know Him, no other love will ever be enough.  Nothing I’ve treasured before matters or compares.   I am ruined.

Day 13 – Flow

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During my lunch break I read another chapter of my book, “The Me I Want to Be” by John Ortberg.  It’s so good!  You need to read it.  Everyone should read it.  Seriously.  Go get it right now.  The author’s conversational style and humor make it actually fun to read.  I am learning so much and gaining such encouragement. I might actually finish this one!

Here are a few tidbits that struck me today from chapter 3:

  • My main job in life is to remain connected to God.  When I focus on that, things seem to fall into place.  When I lose that focus, I stop thriving and can’t fully be the me God made me to be.
  • How do I bridge the gap between the “me” God made to me be and the one I really am right now?  I can’t – and that’s a very important point.  “Self-improvement” is a misnomer as we actually can’t really improve ourselves anymore than we can save ourselves.  God wants to energize me, nurture, guide and enliven me with His grace and that’s something that can only be given by Him – through His Holy Spirit.
  • If only I can learn to live from one moment to the next in the flow of God’s Spirit – not by working harder at it or following rules.  That’s a big “if” that I want to learn really badly!
  • The flow of the Holy Spirit is what makes us alive – like a river in the middle of a desert.  Without the flow of the life-giving river the desert is dry and dead.
  • If I want life, I want God.
  • God’s Spirit doesn’t just flow in us, but through us to help others thrive as well.  Like John says, it’s a “so that” arrangement.  God flows through us so that we can bless others…
  • We don’t have to convince God’s Spirit to work in our lives, He is already at work.  We just have to stay out-of-the-way and not stop the flow, or “quench the Spirit.”  I need to keep my heart open to His influence in my life and not close myself off from Him – i.e. by choosing to not listen to Him, choosing to not follow a prompting from Him, etc.
  • Obedience to God helps me to stand right in the middle of the life-giving flow of His Spirit and grace.
  • When I mess up or cause a momentary block by disobedience, God allows U-turns and recalculates my route.  He does it without saying, “I told you so.”
  • If God’s Spirit is flowing freely in my life, fruit will grow and be evident to people around me:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)  If these aren’t growing or if some sour fruit is showing, that might be an indicator that I’m not open to the flow, stunting my own growth.

I have to put in this little illustration that made me laugh,

“A woman sees a father shopping with a fussy two-year-old in his grocery cart.  ‘Be patient, Billy’, he whispers.  ‘You can handle this, Billy.  It’s okay, Billy.’

The woman said to him, ‘I don’t mean to interrupt your shopping, but I just had to tell you how wonderfully loving and patient you are with little Billy.’

The man replied, ‘Actually, my son’s name is Patrick.  MY name is Billy.'”1

Lord, help me jump into the river of your grace and wade up to my chin in the flow of your Holy Spirit.  Don’t let me obstruct Your influence on my heart.  Help me to focus on staying there, staying connected to You.  I’m trusting You to grow good fruit from my life.

1 The Me I Want to Be, by John Ortberg, copyright 2010.   Chapter 3, page 42

Day 12 – We have all we need

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I don’t have a lot to say today but I did really enjoy worship this morning.  We sang a new song with the lyrics, “We have all we need in You, and all we need is You…”  (Charlie Hall) and another that sang of Jesus in this way

“Beautiful Jesus
Beautiful Savior
Nothing is greater, brilliant Creator
Friend of mine
Perfect in power
Matchless in glory
Nothing is greater, brilliant Creator
Friend of mine.”    (by Kristian Stanfill)

It was so good to focus on Jesus and be reminded that He really is all we need.  I loved singing next to my daughters and harmonizing with them while we all sang…wonderful.  Kimmi and her boyfriend surprised us and came too!  Then we all went to lunch.  We had lots of laughs along with our tacos and nachos.

Something that stood out to me from this morning’s message at church was an illustration the speaker gave about his 7th grade year and flag football.  He was not such an athletic type: a little chubby and always chosen last for teams in PE.  During flag football they would make him a blocker so that he just stood there while the rest of the boys ran out the plays.  He decided to start at least running over to the side and up toward the goal line, just for something to do.  It came down to the last play in which they could possibly win the game.  He enthusiastically suggested to the quarterback in the team huddle that he could run to the goal line, since he was always wide open down there, and receive a pass.  The quarterback agreed and told him which pattern to run.  He excitedly ran the pattern, stood wide open in the end zone, not really sure the quarterback would really throw it to him when all of the sudden he saw the quarterback looking at him!  He nervously opened his arms and thought, “In this moment I can either be a hero or zero,” but actually caught the ball and they won!

God will use us when we feel so inadequate or that we’re an unlikely choice.  For some reason that illustration really struck a chord inside of me.   In the last 6-8 months or so, through various events, conversations and experiences, I’ve been second-guessing the ability John and I have to really lead a church or be fruitful as pastors.   I’ve compared us to other more cool or outgoing pastors, to other churches that seem to be busting at the seams with new converts, to entrepeneur types who have energizer bunny-type gusto and the creativity to match.  Even though I know I shouldn’t compare myself or my husband to anyone else, it happens.  When I heard the story this morning of the awkward football hero my heart swelled.  AND, if it’s true what I’ve been posting about how God made me and made John just the way we are on purpose, then that means he can use us the way we are to draw people to Him and help His cause.  I want to be better and more like Him, but I don’t have to change personalities, John doesn’t have to change personalities.  Just the way we are, we will look up from time to time and see God looking at us getting ready to make a pass.   He also enables us to catch it and score.  He wants us on his team.  He wants you.  He wants anyone who’s willing to be a part of what He’s doing, no matter how introverted, extroverted, serious, funny, cool or uncool we might be.

I have nothing against cool, awesomely outgoing servants of God, that’s for sure!  Just wanted to clarify that.   It’s just good to be reminded that God will throw to me, too.

(By the way, I’m not writing this to get reassurances from my sweet friends – just being honest and getting stuff out in the open)

Day 11 – Restoration

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When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I had to find a project to use up the restless energy that always accompanied my pregnancies.  I decided to refinish a dresser.  That’s right.  How hard could it be?  We had inherited a dresser from my mom and dad when we got married.  It had been made by my grandfather years before when he was a missionary in Kenya and helped run a woodworking shop where the students at the Bible school there earned a living.  It is huge and had been painted an antique sea-green color.  I bought some paint stripper at the hardware store, got a scraper and thought it would be a breeze.  You just strip off the old paint and put on new finish right?

It turned out to be a long, painstaking project.  Those chemical paint strippers help but they don’t remove all the paint for you.  You have to scrape and sand and scrape some more.  There are grooves in the front of the drawers and those were especially tricky – getting all the paint out of the cracks and crevices so there was no trace of that yucky green.  After the paint had been stripped, sanding had to be done and lots of it.  Then it all had to be wiped down so there was no leftover sawdust to mar the shiny surface when I applied the finish.

It was beautiful when it was done but there were several days I thought about throwing in the towel.  Good grief!  Continue reading →

Day 10 – Wild

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I’m sure you’ve heard the terribly sad story of Dawn Brancheau, a trainer with 30 years of experience, being attacked by the whale she trained and drug underwater to her death.  I can’t even imagine how horrifying that must have been for those present.  What a shock and what a tragedy.  She of all people knew the animal well and it surely knew her well.  Her sister said Dawn loved the animals like children.

I love animals, too, but sometimes their behavior reminds us that they are truly that in their nature:  animals.  My dog, Sunny, is timid and sweet but if a little child gets too close or pulls on her she snaps.  That whale had been trained and interacted with people all the time, but it was still a wild animal – still not completely predictable or controllable and knee-deep in the water Dawn was standing a little too close.

If you google “wild animal trainer attack” you’ll get lots of article inks to similar accidents.  Sometimes I’ve read that the animals weren’t really attacking, they were playing.  But when a 350-pound tiger wants to play with a human 1/3 its size, someone is going to get hurt and it won’t be the tiger. Continue reading →

Day 9 – Comfortable in my own skin

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I started reading a book called “The Me I Want to Be” by John Ortberg and it’s really good.  Of course, it takes me a long time to read books because I start them and then don’t often sit still long enough to read them again or finish them.  I have a lot of books by my bed that have been started and not finished yet, with little paper bookmarks sticking up between pages about 1/3 of the way from the beginning.  That’s just one of my weird quirks I guess.   There have been some stories that were so good I’d take the book with me everywhere and read every spare moment I could get.  That hasn’t happened too often, though.

You know what else is weird about me?  When walking on square tile or linoleum floors I often step in every other square in a pattern.  When sitting, I almost always twitch my toes in a rhythm.  I pop my thumbs all the time.  My girls think that is hilarious and strange.  It’s almost subconscious.  I have a round, red nose caused by a condition called “rhinophyma” which is what W. C. Fields had.  It’s typically found in males who are alcoholics, which I am neither so go figure.  I love people and get energized by spending time with friends but also feel like an introvert sometimes and want to be alone.  I’m perfectionistic, impulsive, too silly sometimes, sensitive and emotional, love easily, pretty patient most of the time, too quick to act sometimes, selfish, can be obsessive…the list goes on.  I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin, though.  Continue reading →

Day 8 – Peace, Providence & the Peewee

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I pulled into the parking lot at work this morning and thought to myself, “How did I get here?”  My head was pounding from a sinus headache and my body evidently switched into autopilot to transport me from point A to point B.  The office is very quiet – on Wednesdays I’m usually the only one here – and so the whir of the heating system and the quiet clicking of the keys on my keyboard were the only sounds I heard for a while.  Even though my head was still hurting, the quietness was welcome and gave me peace.

God reminded me yesterday that fretting over the future or letting fear creep in robs me of the peace He has for me.  Continue reading →

Day 7 – Undercover Boss

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Have you seen ads for a new show on TV called “Undercover Boss”?  In a reality show format, a boss or CEO of a company suits up in the uniform of his/her employees and works side by side with them.  They won’t know it’s their boss.  I want to see it sometime.  I can imagine a couple of possible outcomes:  one – the employees might get embarrassed or worse, even fired, if the boss sees that they goof around all the time or cheat or some other unethical choices, two – after working in their shoes for a while the boss might gain more compassion, appreciation or respect for them and treat them better afterward, three – boss and employees could have a much better relationship after their worlds intersect more closely for a while and after the boss gains some new perspective.

I saw this bumper sticker once and it made me laugh.  Jesus is coming again someday, true, but He already came and walked with his people, lived side by side, and stood in our shoes.  It’s so hard to comprehend God, who is not limited in any way, who made everything that exists (so He must be bigger than it all), who can be everywhere at once and knows everything, putting skin on and becoming one of us.  It’s almost as if He said, watching people mess up and live broken by sin, “I need to take care of this myself.”  How did He shrink Himself down?  How awkward would that be for Him to be enclosed, to be limited, to be in a body that could be sick or damaged? Continue reading →

A little more about Kelly

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Since I posted about Kelly Clark, US Olympic Snowboarder, the other day I’ve heard more of her story and have to pass it on.

I was encouraging a friend who emailed me this morning, a friend who tends to be hard on herself if she messes up or falls short on a goal.  As I typed a reply to her God really spoke to my heart, too.  I think everyone falls into the trap of equating personal worth with accomplishments or the things we are doing, so that if we fail to do something or mess up we feel less worthwhile, even downright worthless.

Like I posted before, Kelly Clark was doing the same thing and it wasn’t working.   After a competitor fell during a match, she overheard one of the other competitors tell her, “It’s okay, God still loves you.”  That stirred a hunger in Kelly to find out more.  Read this great article to find out the details of how God drew her to Him and filled her heart with His freeing love.

Our worth comes from the fact that God loves us and adopted us.  He wants you.  He gave everything anyone could give so that you could be His and be close to Him.  When you accept that gift of forgiveness and are willing to be adopted by Him, that alone gives you endless worth in His eyes.  “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.  Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done…”  Ephesians 2:8-9

Failing to do something you think you should, not doing something well, or messing up can never make God love you any less.   Performing 150%, working your tail off, and striving every day for excellence (while those can be good things) will never make God love you any more.  He LOVES you.  He loves.  He loves.  Just because of who You are in Him.

If the enemy is trying to pull a fast one on you by making you feel a failure, that you’re a disappointment, that you’re not good enough, or any other lies like that, be like Kelly and put your spiritual iPod on your heart to drown him out.  Listen only to Jesus’ loving voice and live in freedom today!  You can enjoy the moment you’re in right now knowing no matter what you do or don’t do, you are worth more than you know to God.

Day 6 – Recall

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I feel so badly for Toyota these days. What an expense they’re paying for all the repairs they have to make on recalled vehicles. So many models had to be recalled for defects and problems. It could potentially put them under, I suppose, especially if people lose faith in their long-standing reputation for safety and reliability.

If the customers ignore the recall it could have serious repercussions for them. You know, an acceleration pedal that sticks isn’t exactly safe – could be exciting but definitely not safe.  We have some friends who owned a truck that had been recalled due to something in the ignition. They hadn’t yet taken it in for repairs and one day the defective part caused a spark that caused a fire and burned down their home! Thankfully no one was hurt.

It hasn’t been on the news lately, but there is a recall on the human race.  Because of sin, we’re born defective and need God to repair us, to fix the brokenness with His forgiveness. If we ignore the recall there will definitely be serious repercussions, now and forever. Some people haven’t yet heard about the recall so they are unknowingly going about life in a dangerous state. If they don’t hear in time it could cost them their lives…in the truest sense of the word.

The Toyota vehicles can’t fix themselves and the owners can’t really fix them. They have to be returned to the original manufacturer who has the original parts, technology, and know-how to really make things right.

Our original manufacturer is the only one who can really fix us and put us in the best operating condition. It probably won’t be a one-time repair – but thankfully He’s available 24/7 and is more than willing to look us over time and time again. One day there will be a final recall.  It will be the last one but a beautiful one: life forever with God with bodies and souls that won’t need repairs anymore.

He heals the heartbroken
and bandages their wounds….
Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
we’ll never comprehend what he knows and does.
God puts the fallen on their feet again… Psalm 147:2-4 The Msg