Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

Joy Unspeakable

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I think when most people hear the word “joy” they think of those moments when we are, as Elizabeth Bennet so beautifully puts it in the movie “Pride and Prejudice”, incandescently happy. Joy is happiness that wells up and spills over. Those celebration moments that we’ll remember forever, the mountaintop experiences that make us pause to soak in, gasp in wonder, or give a deep sigh of contentment…those are moments of joy.

The standout moments in life that covered me in the heart-bursting, gold-sparkling, warm, fuzzy, happiness type of joy are when I walked the aisle with my dad toward my love and when each of our babies was born and we heard “it’s a girl!” for each one.

I had an experience of overwhelming peace and love one summer in the San Bernandino mountains, alone with God by a creek, laying on a rock in the sun. I can’t describe how close I felt to God that day, like I was laying right in the palm of His hand.

I couldn’t even cry the day our oldest daughter got married because I was so full of happiness and love I thought my heart would burst. And if you know me, that’s saying something. It doesn’t take much to make me cry.

Those were definitely joy unspeakable moments.

As I’ve walked this path called life, particularly the path beside and behind Jesus, I’ve learned there is another side of joy. I would not have guessed when I was young that joy would often be accompanied by, or preceded by, sorrow and pain.

Sitting in a waiting room after getting a cancer diagnosis, heart beating hard, mind racing, God gave me a vision of Him standing on a path lined with grass that curved off into the distance. He stood turning to look back with a hand reaching out to me as if to say, “Come on. I’m going with you.” A golden sun shone so brightly behind Him all I could see was His silhouette. Peace washed over me and I remembered I belong to Him. He sees me, He cares. I’m not alone. Joy.  (Even now as I remember and picture it I’m comforted)

I’ve heard stories of a family gathered in a hospital room praying together, holding one another, singing hymns while they surround one they love who is peacefully, sometimes even eagerly, reaching for Jesus and going to heaven. In the deep shadow of hurt and loss, a faint light grows when they think of their loved one finally home where they belong, completely whole and with God. They are thankful this person lived, thankful for all the memories, so thankful the one they loved knew the Savior and they will be reunited with them one day. Even amidst sobs they thank God and have joy.

Joy is born in thankfulness. It is knowing you belong to God, the affirmation that because You are His He loves you, will never forget you or leave you, and is right with you ALL the time, no matter what. Belonging. Love. Hope. Joy.

Joy gradually emerges in surrender and sacrifice when things turn out differently than you hoped or dreamed, but instead of falling into bitterness you turn to Jesus. You are willing to give in and remind yourself you’re not in control, you’re not God, but You know Him and He IS in control…and He is good. You yield, you surrender to God’s ways, you trust and thank Him anyway. Joy.

Remember Stephen, the martyr? He practically exploded with truth when he testified to the Jewish leaders who rejected Jesus. They tried to silence Him by killing his body. But as Stephen’s heart stretched to bursting with love and worship, he seemed to ignore the rocks bruising and cutting him as he looked up toward the sky and exclaimed, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man seated at the right hand of God!” He was captivated by the truth and by His Savior. Even in his painful death, He had joy.

I’m still learning about joy: genuine, rich, enduring, deep-from-the-gut-and-soul joy that comes from choosing to walk with God in gratitude whatever the circumstance.

There have been hard, sad times in the past, are some now, and will be some to come. In those times we can’t rely on our emotions, but on what we know. My husband and I can agree that we know God loves us, He cares, He has always been faithful to us, He will make a way and He has given us so much to be thankful for.

We may not always feel like dancing or shouting or even smiling, but we thank God and trust Him…

and so we have joy.

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:4,6-7 NLT

 

What could be better than Rocky in your corner?

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My girls tease me about this now, but I’m always looking for valuable messages or correlations with my faith when I watch movies. It’s just how my brain works. Most movies have a “moral of the story,” or we might relate to a character’s struggle, or be reminded of important truths like self-sacrifice, friendship, doing what’s right in the face of danger, etc. You may laugh, but I was so convicted of over-protective parenting when I saw Finding Nemo for the first time.

After seeing a film, I used to ask the girls what lessons or messages they saw. Gotta take advantage of those teachable moments right?  When we watched “Napoleon Dynamite” I remember my youngest saying as the end credits were rolling, “Mom, I don’t think there were any lessons in that one.” I laughed and had to agree.

When we saw “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” with my grown-up kids during Christmas this past year, I promised I would refrain Continue reading →

Lamb of God

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How many times have I heard and read the story about Jesus’ arrest, unfair staged trial, and sentencing to death? So many. I know the prophet John the Baptist called Jesus the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. (John 1:29) I know the sacrifice of animals by priests for many years were offered to atone for the people’s sins and had to be made over and over again and that the sacrifice Jesus made by giving His own life is a once for all deal. (Hebrews 7:27)

I know the deep, beautiful parallel of the Passover lamb and Jesus: how hundreds of years before, the blood of a lamb spread on door posts of  the Israelites’ homes kept the angel of death away and how Jesus’ blood, willingly spilt, covers our sins, marks our hearts as His own, and defeats death. (Of course we must believe and accept this incredible gift)

I should have noticed before, but as I was listening to the story of Jesus’ trial and sentencing, Continue reading →

Horcruxes are not the answer.

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I don’t know if you’re a Harry Potter fan but I am. That used to be a risky claim for a Jesus follower.  You’ll just have to trust that even though I’ve read all the books and own all the movies, it hasn’t made me want to dabble in witchcraft. On the contrary, there are lots of great “morals of the story” and good messages woven throughout the series, the biggest one being giving yourself sacrificially for others, or a greater good, is a grand thing to do and evil can’t defeat that kind of love. (First taught to us by Jesus himself!)

The villain in these stories is Voldemort, a narcissist determined to be the most powerful wizard…ever. He also wants to live forever. As a young wizard he finds out about a dark magic device, a horcrux, in which you can split your soul into two pieces, storing one piece in an object apart from your own body for safe keeping. That way you can’t be destroyed if just your body is killed because part of your soul lies elsewhere. Voldemort deducts that if splitting in two pieces helps cheat death, then surely splitting his soul into seven pieces will make him infallible. So he does that very thing, putting the pieces of his soul into several objects, his snake and even Harry.

Well, eventually all the horcruxes, each containing part of Voldemort are discovered and destroyed, the last remaining piece of his soul vulnerable in his failing body and He is killed. No living forever for him. Apparently horcuxes are NOT the answer.

As I sat in the quiet today during my lunch, I was thinking about something I’m hoping for that hasn’t come to be yet. While praying about this something, I realized that I have to keep my focus and make sure that Jesus is the source of my joy and life, not the things I hope for in this world. I need His help with this, because my human heart can become so enamored with a lovely possibility, fascinating gadget, entertaining pasttime. It takes some doing to shift gears to return focus and keep myself centered solely in God.

We can be like Voldemort in a way. We, either intentionally or not, deposit pieces of our hearts and souls into all sorts of people and things here on this earth, in this life, thinking that will fulfill us.  We may not think it will make us live forever, but it can make us forget about the forever life ahead of us and get slogged down in all that doesn’t last and doesn’t really matter. Even good things and relationships can become too dear if we rely on them for all that only God can give.

When we give our soul to Jesus, entirely, not just a piece, He will guard it and love it and fulfill it. We will find our true identity, the purest joy, love and life that will really never end. We’ll become more like Him and be less and less concerned with ourselves, whether or not we’re the best, whether or not our wishes are granted or life turns out how we plan.

My lovely possibility is just that and I have to be careful not to rely on it for my joy and life. Jesus said, “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” 1

Jesus, forgive me for sometimes placing my hope, my heart and soul in temporary things, ideas, plans, even in being concerned for those I love. I know my only hope and true, full, everlasting life is in You and only You. Turn my eyes from the things here in this earthly life that sparkle but don’t last. All will fade away but You remain. Capture my attention, my gaze, my thoughts, my everything, so that all of me rests in You.

 

1 Matthew 15:25-26 NLT

My blessed comfort zone

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Comfort zones have gotten a bad reputation. Probably because the idea of staying in a zone of comfort is self-indulgent, non-adventurous, even cowardly. We urge each other to get out of our comfort zones, to not get stuck in them, to be wary of too great a fondness for them.

I learned recently that the origin of the word “comfort” actually means something different than I’ve always thought. The word is made from two Latin word parts, com-, which basically means “together with,” and fortis, which means “strong or strength.”1  When we read that God “comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others”2 what if instead of envisioning Him nestling us in a pile of soft pillows in jammie pants with some hot tea and hugs, we saw that comfort as the strength of His presence with us? It’s an entirely different perspective on comfort zones. 

II Cor. 1:4 “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.”

Paraphrase: In every trial, hurt, or challenge, God’s strong presence is there all the way. When we know this, we can share this truth of “together strength” with God with others who are struggling.

Isaiah 40:1 “Comfort, comfort my people,” says your God.

Paraphrase: “Know I am with you, I will fortify you, uphold you, and never leave your side, my dear ones,” says your God.

Maybe it’s not my comfort zone I need to be wary of, but my “complacency zone.” My comfort zone no longer exists as a stationary, status quo hidey hole, but moves with me as I walk in the unshakable peace of knowing I have the “together strength” of God’s company with me always. That is the greatest comfort! It sustains me through times of pain, failure, change, loss, uncertainty, loneliness, and weariness.

We can serve God and others oh so diligently while still dwelling in our “comfort zone” if we understand God’s comfort to not always be easing pain or pushing challenges out of our way, but the life-changing understanding that we walk in the strong company of God Almighty.

Do you know that? That you can walk and live and thrive in the strong company of God?

Always with us is this God, this devoted Father, this faithful One, who is not only able to do anything, but is also full of unlimited love and grace, true and never changing.

How’s THAT for a comfort zone?

1 from the YouVersion Bible app reading plan “When God Doesn’t Make Sense” by lifechurch.tv

2 II Corinthians 1:4

Pondering my “one word”

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Last year I shared that God had given me a word to focus on for that year: “Possible.” It encouraged me and taught me, but about 3-4 months into the year I had kind of forgotten about it. It came to mind once in a while and I would think, “oh yeah! Possible!”

I tend to resist trendy things, especially in regard to my spiritual life and growth, because I wonder if they really help me grow or are just trendy things. I have had, however, a word or idea that has been prominent in my mind so far this year and that is “relationship.”

I’ve struggled from time to time as a Jesus follower, to stay close to Him as far as spending time in prayer. I read my Bible just about every day, I enjoy and am moved by worship music, I spend time with fellow believers each Sunday, I do pray but I’ve often avoided lately, whether subconsciously or by choosing other things, that solitary quiet time with Him. 

I know in order to have a good relationship with someone you have to spend time with him or her, have to interact, communicate, speak and listen, share. Why is it so hard for me to sit and pray? Frustration with myself is common.

I was asking Jesus the other day to help me figure it out. Why would I avoid Him or delay in being with Him? It’s not because I don’t believe in Him. He’s given me much to rely on, evidence He is real and is with me. It’s not that He’s not worth my time. Oh my, there is no one who is more worth time than He is.

Maybe it is partially due to disappointments or prayers unanswered, delayed, or answered in ways I didn’t hope for. Could that be part of it? What holds me back? Is it selfishness, wanting to spend the time doing what is enjoyable or entertaining, even though all of that is so shallow and unfulfilling? No wonder my heart squirms in restlessness.

I’m sharing all of this because confession is good for the soul, it really is, and because there may be someone else who reads this and feels less alone in the struggle between our heart for God and our sinful selves. Oh, to be set free from that struggle! Someday, when I get to heaven, that will be over. Until then, my insides shout the words of the apostle Paul, “I want to do right, but I can’t…I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway…I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind…Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 7:19-25)

If you’ve been in this same little boat, pray with me:

Father God, I’m so amazed by your patience and that you want to have relationship with me, with any person. You are God, Creator, Savior, King, Master, Sovreign over everything and still You want us to know You as Father. You are good and I believe You love me. Forgive me when I let the distractions of this hectic, crowded, digital world cause me to stay away from just being with You. Help me to make choices that draw me closer to You. Teach me and show me more of who You are. Thank you for Your grace. I love you.

As It Should Be

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Two weeks ago this very night I was standing next to a hospital bed, peering at the chubby-cheeked, puffy-eyed, quiet little one nestled on my daughter’s chest, skin to skin. He opened and shut his hand slowly, his eyes locked on hers as if to say, “There you are, sweet mom who has been carrying me. I wondered what you looked like. I love you.”

The entire weekend opened the old memory boxes in my mind from 1990 when I had my first baby, Kimberly. How surreal to be the ones waiting from across the room (Nathanael’s mom, Maureen, and I), the ones not feeling the contractions but watching with rapt attention each one being drawn out in jaggedy rising and falling lines on the screen over Kimmi’s bed. How truly wonderful to sit and ponder the miracle of life, of a woman carrying a living child, of the baby’s journey from that warm, safe haven out into the world.

We already knew the baby was a boy, and his name was Ezra. The sound of his heartbeat swished along all day on the monitor, our constant companion and reminder there was a little one involved in this labor whom we couldn’t see yet but was absolutely real and alive and amazing.  Psalm 139 played over and over in my head:

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God…”

During the early part of the day and into early afternoon, our time was spent visiting and laughing with Nathanael and Kimmi, as the epidural had done its work and the contractions swelled along without bothering her much.  But as evening approached, I noticed Kimmi getting really quiet and realized she was feeling them. The medicine wasn’t masking the pain as much anymore and so the labor became true to its name.

Sitting across the room, remembering how those contractions feel, I was aching for it to be over for her. Of course, I was helpless to make the pain go away or make things progress any more quickly. It was all part of the process. She didn’t speak much, only what was really necessary. Ezra’s heartbeat kept swishing away, the sun went down and the lights were dim. Nathanael sat on a rolling stool by Kimmi’s bed, holding her hand, sometimes bending down to kiss her cheek, quietly watching the contractions and baby’s heart rate on the monitor.

That image of the two of them in those hours is imprinted in my memory. I saw Kimmi’s husband being her comfort, strength, and more. They are becoming a family, these three, I thought to myself. There were many times when I got to comfort young Kimmi, watch over her, be there for her, and so forth, but now she will more often turn to Nathanael and they will figure things out together. As it should be.

It’s a new chapter of their lives and in ours. Life keeps moving through seasons, bringing change upon change, and we’d do best to roll with it and accept things as they come. Though I’m still a mom, now I’m also a grandma! And, oh my goodness, how I love that little baby boy. As I pray for Ezra and his mom and dad, I will keep trusting God to watch over all three of them as He always has. I get to love on them and watch from my place, but God will lead them and write the story of their sweet family for them.

And that is as it should be.

Even when…

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I was reading a blog I receive through email this morning.  It’s all about worship stuff: song arrangements, opinions/thoughts on leading worship, resources, etc. This morning I saw an article about a new song by Hillsong United called Even When It Hurts. The writer said, “Would you sing this song by Hillsong writer (and Justin Bieber clubbing buddy) Joel Houston in church since it has the lyrics, ahem: ‘even when it hurts like hell…’?”

I was turned off by the tone of what he said and a few thoughts came to mind:

So what if Joel Houston is buddies with Justin Bieber? Isn’t that a good thing since Justin needs good friends who know Jesus? 

I know many wouldn’t feel comfortable singing those lyrics in a worship service, but maybe not every song on their album was intended for congregational worship. To me that song is a very personal one. If you listen to the rest of the song, it speaks of praising God in every season of our lives, in the good times, in the hard times, in the times when it hurts like hell.  Sometimes it does!  I think Job, David and lots of other Bible folks would agree.

The church culture I grew up in was one framed more by legalism than grace and as I am learning more about living in God’s grace I find myself balking at statements that feel judgmental and pious. The writer appears to be questioning whether the members of the Hillsong band have a genuine relationship with Jesus. He doesn’t know them or the stories that song was birthed from.

It’s difficult enough in this world to forge ahead with Jesus amidst criticism and ridicule from those who don’t profess to follow Jesus, do we need to be knocking each other? Our brothers and sisters?

I do believe we can go too far in relating to the culture if we use all the same language as the world or water down the Gospel, but we can also shut the world out completely if we refuse to at least admit that sometimes life hurts. The world won’t be drawn to Jesus much if His people won’t openly acknowledge we deal with pain, we struggle, we are broken and in need of help just like everyone.

I would encourage worship leaders to continue to seek God’s guidance and discernment in the songs they choose for worship, being sensitive to the group of people that will be singing those songs. We probably won’t sing it in our worship services at my church, but it speaks to me personally when I listen. If that song reaches a certain group and helps them relate and consider reaching out to Jesus, sing it!  You can read Hillsong’s explanation of the song at this blog.

Even When It Hurts – Joel Houston

Take this fainted heart

Take these tainted hands

Wash me in Your love

Come like grace again


Even when my strength is lost

I’ll praise You

Even when I have no song

I’ll praise You

Even when it’s hard to find the words

louder then I’ll sing Your praise


I will only sing Your praise


Take this mountain weight

Take these ocean tears

Hold me through the trial

Come like hope again


Even when the fight seems lost

I’ll praise You

Even when it hurts like hell

I’ll praise You

Even when it makes no sense to sing

louder then I’ll sing Your praise


I will only sing Your praise


And my heart burns only for You

You are all, You are all I want

And my soul waits only for You

And I will sing till the miracle comes


Even when the morning comes

I’ll praise You

Even when the fight is won

I’ll praise You

Even when my time on earth is done

louder then I’ll sing Your praise


I will only sing Your praise

Why so restless, soul?

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“It requires no faith to complain.” That’s a powerful, convicting truth I heard a month or so ago and God gave me one to accompany it recently: It requires no faith to have self-pity. How many times do I end up focusing on the things that aren’t the way I thought they would be, or personal shortcomings, or others’ perceived expectations or opinions?

Continue reading →

That wasn’t the plan

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I love fictional stories that offer great life lessons, illustrations of good prevailing over evil, or are allegories of faith in God, like The Chronicles of Narnia, Pilgrim’s Progress, even Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. 

There are some pretty great parallels in the Harry Potter series between the events in the story and faith in real life.  That may sound strange, but if you’ve read the books, you probably know what I mean. Ultimately, Harry’s self-sacrifice and coming back to life breaks the curse of the enemy, bringing the enemy’s demise, saving everyone and making things right again.

There is a chapter in one of the last book* called “Felix Felicis” about a potion that will give the one who drinks it pure luck. Harry must get some very crucial, personal and even incriminating information from one of his professors, who has already told him he won’t share it with Harry.  He and his friends concoct a plan to try and convince the professor, or coerce it out of him.  The desired information is crucial if they’re to defeat the enemy.

Harry decides to drink his luck potion and immediately feels as if the day holds limitless potential and possibility. He sets out on the plan he made with his friends, but right away changes his mind, going on his gut or what he feels he should do instead. His friends argue, “That isn’t the plan, Harry!” But he insists, and lo and behold, by following these instincts one after the other, he ends up getting the information from the professor after all, but in an unexpected way, completely different than he planned.

That chapter just shouted to me about how our life could be if instead of making our own plans and rigidly sticking to what we lay out as best, we would live moment by moment, following the urges of God’s Holy Spirit. When I’ve done that, and I am still learning to do it more, I’m amazed at the outcome!  It is so clearly because of God and not because of me, and so clearly wonderful.

A few instances come to mind:

I wanted to share Jesus with a close friend where I worked, when we lived in St. Louis. I planned things I wanted to say to her, ways I wanted to show my faith to her, and more, but whenever I tried those methods, it felt fake and forced. Then I got cancer. After my surgery and recovery and I was back to work, one day my friend stopped me in the teacher’s lounge. She said, “I’ve been watching you go through this cancer and have seen you be peaceful and not afraid. I want to know how you did that.” There was no one else in the lounge (which was unusual) and I had a moment to tell her that it was my faith in Jesus that brought me through. She didn’t give her heart to Jesus right there in the teacher’s lounge, but not long after at a church she and her husband visited, they responded to God calling them to grace and new life. That wasn’t my plan, but it was better. It was God’s plan!

At another job, I was talking with a friend who was taking a world religions class. We had a really interesting discussion, again there happened to be no customers there at the moment or even other co-workers. She was sharing the beliefs she was coming to from learning in the class, and I shared with her what I believe about Jesus, about grace, forgiveness, a relationship with God and everything. It was so natural and afterward I was so excited!  I just got to tell the Good News at work and it was so natural, just a part of the conversation. That wasn’t my plan, but it was better.

Recently a friend and I were meeting up for a walk and visit one morning. We didn’t have a plan, were just winging it. After our walk, I found out she wanted to visit a part of town she hadn’t seen so we went there. Then we decided to walk along that street and see the shops. I saw a favorite shop of mine so I steered us around the corner and down a side street. The lady opening that shop happened to know my friend. They had worked together a while ago and hadn’t seen each other since. It was a happy reunion! They exchanged numbers and emails, which was especially nice since my friend was moving away soon.  As we left the shop my friend had tears in her eyes. She told me how she has never really had a faith or any religion, but that turn of events and “chance” meeting with her old friend made her think and believe there is a God. I told her I totally believed God arranged that for her to show her how much He loves her, and then was able to share a little more about my faith with her.

In each of these situations, my opportunities to share were not because I had orchestrated some wonderful plan, but because God had and allowed me to be a part of it. What a joy and how beautiful. How much more would He use us to share hope and life with people if we would just listen for His voice and follow those instincts He gives us, rather than holding rigidly to what we have in mind or what we think will be best.

He evidently is a God who won’t be pinned down by four easy steps to share the Gospel. He is so much more creative, inventive, and is the very Maker and Possessor of limitless potential and possibilities.  We don’t need Felix Felicis, but we do need to let go, be present, listen and wait, and watch God do something unexpected and wonderful.

We’ll find ourselves saying, “That wasn’t the plan,” but it will be better!

“People can make all kinds of plans, but only the Lord’s plan will happen.”  Proverbs 19:21 NCV

“Depend on the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3 NCV 

“Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘This is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or to the left.” Isaiah 30:21 NLT


*Book referenced is “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” by J.K.Rowling, 2006