Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

My Dear?

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Recently I was browsing Bath & Body Works – I love that place – and a nice young girl came over. “Hi dear, is there anything I can help you find?” I was put off right away. Dear? It felt a little condescending. I feel the same way when someone younger than me calls me sweetie or honey. Just a pet peeve of mine. On especially fiesty days, I feel like saying, “Listen chica, I’m old enough to be your mom.”

Last night my daughter was listening to a worship song I hadn’t heard before. I walked from the kitchen where I was washing dishes out to where she was listening at the computer. “Did they say, ‘I love you, my Dear?'” “Yep,” she answered. I hadn’t thought of saying that to God before, possibly because of my association with that word and maybe because of my somewhat silly pet peeve. “Is it okay to say that to God?” I was thinking.

As I listened to the rest of the song, I understood. The writer was expressing passion, devotion and love to God, who loves us so fiercely and faithfully. I looked up the word “dear” in the dictionary and found that it can describe someone or something as beloved, cherished, precious, treasured. It’s an expression of fondness and affection.

I needed to think outside my “worship box.” That’s a good thing! There’s nothing in Scripture that indicates we shouldn’t think of God as dear. In fact, He describes Himself as the Bridegroom who died for and will come again for all of us, the Church, His Bride. There’s no greater love. He surely thinks of us as His beloved and we are most certainly treasured by Him. Why else would he number the very hairs on our heads, hem us in with His Spirit and presence before and behind, be with us all through the night as we sleep, waiting and ready to greet us as we wake? Why else would He step up to the horrible task of sacrificing Himself for the likes of us?

It is bewildering to me that He loves us so. It feels kind of strange to say to God, “I love you, my Dear” but as we sang “My Dear” in worship this morning, my heart was moved. I felt as if a window opened allowing me to tell Him what he means to me in a fresh, new way.

Those boxes in which we put God, our relationship with Him, our interactions with Him, and our understanding of Him, need to be opened and stretched, even taken apart. I’m so thankful for the way He did that for me today.

I love you, Papa, my Savior, my Healer, my Teacher, my Creator…

my Dear.

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.  Song of Songs 6:3

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  Ephesians 5:1-2

 

Well, hello

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I haven’t posted on this blog for over a year!  For several years I was blogging all the time and then I just sort of stopped.  I didn’t feel inspired or compelled.  I even thought, why would people want to read what I’m thinking?  Am I so special or unique in the way I write?  There are so many blogs, so many magazines and articles online, so many writers.

My original purpose, which is still true, was to encourage people: to help them feel less alone in their doubts, questions, struggles, and the everyday walk of life, to share what I’m learning in hopes that maybe it will help them.

This summer a few friends told me that the brief things I post on twitter (which then posts to facebook) had encouraged them and to keep on posting.  That blessed me and made me realize that if I enjoy writing, if it helps me process what’s in my heart and mind, gives me an outlook for self-expression, and if even just a few can relate or gain some encouragement, then I want to keep blogging.

This weekend I was extremely blessed and encouraged by someone else.  This person shared his testimony with me, how he was caught up in habits, friends and a lifestyle that was detrimental and that pulled him away from God.  When arrested one night and sitting in the police station, he says he heard God say loudly and clearly, “This is not what I planned for you.”  He knew that he needed to turn back to Jesus.  He says that when he did everything changed. Jesus helped him get away from the things that were dragging him down and gave him purpose.  Now he is closer to Him, more on fire for Him, well on his way toward the plan that God has for him.

There are some people I love who are struggling and need to hear God’s voice loudly and clearly.  They need direction.  Through my friend’s story, God reminded me to trust Him and believe that He can and does change hearts, speak, help, redirect and nothing is impossible for Him!  I asked Him to forgive me for my times of unbelief when I slip back into worry mode, and told Him I trust Him.

God is not just some person that likes to help people. The entire universe is enveloped by Him!  He has always been, is present now, and always will be.  He is limitless in love, power, knowledge, and mercy.  He made everything that exists and yet cares about each person.  I don’t understand it, but I’m thankful!  He never changes and never goes back on His word.  We can trust Him.  Nothing is impossible for Him.

Be encouraged!

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”  Mark 10:27

When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—
    the moon and the stars you set in place—
what are mere mortals that you should think about them,
    human beings that you should care for them?  Psalm 8:3-4

Pressing In

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Just like a little child, held snugly in mom or dad’s embrace, leans in as close and snuggles her head against them as much as she can because it feels safe and she feels loved, so I feel the need to press into Jesus.

“Press in” sums it up well for me.  It’s a choice to lean toward, to draw close, really close, to even lose myself in Him.  This morning, I had the mental image of a stick of butter taken out of the fridge and put into a hot frying pan.  If I press on it with a spatula, I can watch it melt, the golden yellow edges softening and liquifying.  

As I press into Jesus this morning, I’m thinking and praying, “Please, Jesus, melt me away.  Please, soften my heart, change me.”

I’ve heard a song recently that says, “I need a little more Jesus, and a little bit less of me.”  Well, I need all of Jesus and a whole lot less of me!  A little bit is not what I’m after.

I need my whole self transformed, melted, changed by Him.  It’s not in me to persevere the way He did, to love and have compassion the way He did, to remain focused the way He did, to risk and give everything like He did.

I’m pressing in.

Oh, that we might know the Lord!
    Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
    or the coming of rains in early spring.  Hosea 6:3

There’s one!

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20130819-075434.jpg Piled into the old, gray, mostly reliable church van, we drove around town, brown bags of food on our laps, looking for someone down and out. We found two sitting at that curb there, one resting on a bench in front of a store. “There’s one!” someone would cry out and the one driving would pull over, turn around or pull into the lot and we’d hop out to give food, talk for a moment, and offer a prayer. We like to ask their name, because somehow being known by name might help them feel more like they matter and aren’t alone. God sees them and so do we.

My friends know several of these folks from seeing them month by month. This month we were serving pulled pork and there was one man in particular who loved that. We were determined to keep looking until we found him. He wasn’t in his usual place, but driving down a narrow alley we found a man sleeping on a mattress back in a shady corner and it turned out to be him!

As our little search party drove around, it struck me that the Church, God’s people, should be this intentional in finding the lost people around us, those who are hungry in their souls. We have a feast of hope and love that’s been given to us, like a brown bag of food sitting on our lap, needing to be served to someone.

I want God to open my eyes today to see hearts needing to be encouraged, heard, made to feel less alone, loved.

I want to hear Him tell me, “there’s one!”

What did you do?!

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Raising a puppy is a lot like raising a baby – lots of fun, but lots of work.  You have to keep an eye on the doggy at every moment, especially while she’s learning that going potty is for outside only!

ImageWe received a puppy when our youngest daughter graduated from high school a few months ago.  It was a gift from one of her close friends.  Surprise!  She then had to leave for Alabama for a few months for a summer job, so John and I became the mostly happy, sometimes reluctant, often exasperated parents.

If you’ve potty trained a pet, you know that you’re supposed to watch them for any signs of impending…you know…and then whisk them outside cheerfully saying “outside! outside!”  Eventually they get the picture.  

Keeping a sense of humor is helpful, because otherwise you might lose your cool Continue reading →

Surgery

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“It seems when you know you’re not supposed to eat or drink you feel especially hungry and thirsty,” I thought to myself as I sat in the pre-op chair, IV taped to my hand, footy-covered feet dangling.  My pre-operative ensemble was complete with gown that opens in the back, robe over my shoulders, and adorable shower cap on my head, all hair tucked inside.  This combined with the no makeup or jewelry, no hair product guidelines made for what must have been a stunning look.  The nurses, who were very caring and kind, had me all ready to go, now we just had to wait for the surgeon to arrive.

1:20, they said, as John and I looked to see what time it was.  Should be in about 20 minutes.  20 minutes, 30, 40 minutes went by and my feet were still dangling, stomach still growling, nerves a little on edge.  We were in a small dimly-lit, quiet, room watching blurred green forms of the nurses and workers in scrubs pass by the door’s frosted full-length window.  Finally, my doctor came in!

He was friendly, confident, quick, professional, and ready to get to the task at hand, which was to perform some reconstructive work on some failed reconstructive work from my cancer episode almost 10 years ago.  I have been more than ready to have this done for several years and finally was getting to it.

Before surgery they always mark on you so they won’t operate on the wrong body part, which is totally fine with me!  It was a little awkward and funny, however, Continue reading →

Can a leopard change it’s spots?

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ImageWhen I was little, I used to think the hymn “Jesus Paid it All” talked about leopard’s changing their spots in one of it’s verses.  That verse actually says, 

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.

Ohhhh, leper’s spots.  

That reminds me that as a child I also thought it was strange that we were “safe and secure from all alarms” (in the hymn Leaning on the Everlasting Arms).  Were they talking about fire alarms?  But I digress.

We sang “Jesus Paid It All” this past week in our worship time and that verse I mentioned really struck me anew.  While we were singing, God reminded me that He does the creating, changing, renewing, transforming in my heart and not me.  I waste energy and get discouraged trying to change myself, and inevitably facing disappointment when I mess up, when I should just be surrendering and trusting.

What a responsibility, to shape hearts and lives, to bring us into our destiny, designed before we were even born?  It’s a job God is more than happy to do but one we often try to take from Him.  He’s the potter, remember, and we’re the clay.  Just picture how funny it would look if a little lump of clay was trying to spin around on the potter’s wheel and shape itself.  Not possible.  If we don’t willingly be still in God’s presence and remain pliable, we may never become what He’s imagined us to be.  

Once again, I need to remember who I am in relation to who God is.  I need to remember my place.  I believe He has things for me to do, but being the one who transforms myself, or anyone else for that matter, isn’t one of them!  I’m glad!  What a relief.

You paid it all, Jesus, not me.  You are the Savior and Redeemer, the Healer and Restorer.  You have the power to change this leper’s (or leopard’s) spots and melt my heart of stone.  Thank you.

Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.  Romans 12:2 NLT

O Lord, you are our Father.
    We are the clay, and you are the potter.
    We all are formed by your hand.  Isaiah 64:8 NLT

Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.  Zechariah 4:6 NIV

 

Now what?

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Those who know me were surprised I hadn’t cried all day, but I was just too happy to cry.  Months of planning, texting with my daughter, buying supplies on the Internet and at Hobby Lobby (I should have a frequent flyer discount by now), and coordinating had culminated in this beautiful, family and friend-filled day.  We were gathered because of love, surrounded by love, and full of love, nearly to burst.   I kept telling myself to slow down and be in each moment because it began to speed by, as special days seem to do.

ImageI had one moment where I got really close to crying: when her daddy began to walk her into the dimly-lit, lovely auditorium and down the aisle.  Instead of tears, however, as I saw them come in I caught my breath and just stared at my absolutely beautiful grown-up girl beaming, walking toward her husband-to-be.   As I sat and watched the ceremony unfold, I asked God to interpret the songs in my heart because I just couldn’t find the words or even thoughts to express my gratitude and joy.  Blessed with a capital B, that’s what we are.

I enjoyed so much the time spent with Kimmi in those months before, texting, talking on the phone, meeting at times to shop and plan, brainstorming.  Then, even more fun were the days right before when we drove through Starbucks, then to the church to actually put into motion all we had prepared, with lots of family there to pitch in and help.  What a fun weekend – and everyone was able to come!  I told you…Blessed.

John, Krissy and I drove into our driveway the Sunday after, a little bedraggled but glad to be home. We unloaded the car and brought all the leftover supplies (including many jars!) into the house.  Once inside, I began to feel sad and kind of lost.  I asked John, “What will I do now that I don’t have the wedding to think about, plan for and work on?”  He chuckled and said, “Sit down and relax!”

As I’ve pondered that question these last few weeks, I realize that I poured so much of my heart, mind, wallet, and energy into the wedding and now it is past.  A new chapter has begun for Kimmi and Nathanael and even for us.  We’re in-laws now.  We’re parents of a married daughter!  How’s that for life change?  We may even be on the brink of “grandparenthood” in the next few years to come.  Whoa.  Don’t want to get ahead of myself.

Just as I poured so much of myself into the wedding, I realize some of my sadness was thinking of how I poured so much of myself into being a mom for my girls for so long and that chapter is closing/changing, too.  Our youngest graduated high school and moved out this summer to work in Alabama as a nanny for my brother’s children.

All of the sudden the house is pretty empty and I find myself asking, “what will I do now, God?”  Certainly I should be useful for something!  I’m not accustomed to this.  I’m used to being a hands-on mom, driving girls somewhere, shopping, being needed in close proximity and in person for hugs and heart-to-heart conversations.  I even relished in the everyday talking about friends, school, boys, etc.  Now things are long distance (not too long thankfully) and over the phone or texting or facebook.  Now they are out making their way as young adults and I’m watching them go, proudly but feeling a little lost.

John and I have time to get reacquainted in a way and grow closer together.  I’m so glad I have him in my life.  For some reason he doesn’t feel as melancholy as I do.  Must be a mom thing.

I’m asking God to help me find my place now, to settle into whatever role he has for me.  I have no idea what that is.  He keeps reminding me that I don’t have to figure everything out or make the plan, I just need to trust Him.  He has poured Himself into my life as long as I can remember.

So, here’s to rolling with these changes and keeping my heart and eyes on Him and His Word.  I can almost hear him say, in response to my “now what?’ “Just sit down and relax.  I’ve got this.”

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?”  Romans 8:15 MSG

Didn’t give it a thought

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The guilt nagged, but apparently not enough to make me actually do something about it. An older lady in our church, one I love and who has been a source of encouragement to me, fell and hurt herself a few months ago.

I kept meaning to send a card, call her, or stop by to see her but didn’t. I Iet the hectic pace of life get in the way of showing love. I prayed for her, but she didn’t know that. She was back at church on Sunday and I was thrilled to see her again, looking well and smiling as usual.

I hugged her tightly and said, “I need to ask your forgiveness.” She pulled back, “Whatever for?” “I have thought many times of calling you, sending you a card or coming to see you and didn’t make it happen. I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you!”

She chuckled, hugged me tightly, and said words that washed my guilt away, “Oh my goodness, it’s okay! I never gave it a thought!”

This morning, my devotional reading spoke of how God has forgiven us, has accepted us, yet we continue to nurture guilt or feel we have to do things for his approval. What a silly, sad state to be in, when, if we have accepted Jesus, we are heirs of an eternal treasure: the deep love and fellowship of God.

I can just hear Him say to me this morning, “All that guilt you keep inside about not being enough or doing enough is so unnecessary. I forgave you and since haven’t given it a thought!”

Thank you, Papa, for your undying, constant, persistent love and grace. Thank you for holding me and reassuring me that I’m your girl. Teach me to live in the freedom of truly knowing that.

and to know that I belong to him. I could not make myself acceptable to God by obeying the Law of Moses. God accepted me simply because of my faith in Christ. (Philippians 3:9 CEVUS06)

Fears vs. Dreams

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“The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.” – Tom Bradley

Do you agree with that? Do you have a dream or several?

If we would sit down and intentionally search ourselves, I believe each of us will find, sometimes way down inside in a secret, guarded place, a dream.

The organization To Write Love on Her Arms, which exists to come alongside young people who are fighting depression, self-hate, addiction, and self-mutilation, posted a campaign asking people to post something they fear and something they dream about: Fears vs. Dreams. It’s interesting and inspiring to read as people open up and put their hearts out there honestly. Some that I read:

Fear: being surrounded by love and still feel alone Dream: be a part of something bigger than myself

Fear: to live without purpose Dream: to achieve the extraordinary

Fear: letting my family down Dream: be the best daddy ever

Fear: to be judged and not loved Dream: to share love with the world

Fear: losing my son Dream: Owning my own cafe

You can view more here on their web site. There were many I could relate to.

What would your fear vs. dreams sign say?

I have a very large, sometimes crushing fear of being a failure, of letting God down and not being all He created me to be. I have thought and thought about why that presses so hard against me and why it lingers, even though I know that I don’t have to earn God’s favor or love. Somehow my heart keeps yearning for His approval, for Him to be pleased with what I do, how I live my life. My perfectionist nature probably doesn’t help.

God has told me in my heart that I already have his approval because Jesus died for me, but if I’m honest, I still fear sometimes not pleasing Him.

My personal dream is to live a life that matters, to be a person who helps other people learn about Jesus and want to follow him. I don’t want to just go through the motions of every day.

My dream, as a pastor’s wife, is very similar. I dream that John and I will be the kind of leaders that help a church thrive and reach out to lost people. I definitely don’t want to just go through the motions or be in a church Jesus would call “lukewarm” or that had forgotten its first love.

Experiences in the past bruised those dreams and pushed them way back inside. Sometimes when we mess up or fall short, the enemy makes us embarrassed that we ever had that dream in the first place. I can hear him sneer, “That won’t ever happen. Give up.”

I have been almost afraid to talk with God, or other people, about them because deep in my heart I sometimes feel they won’t happen. It’s easier to not have a dream than to have one and not have it become reality, right? Or is it?

I believe the quote above is true. The only thing stopping me from realizing my dream is me. Instead of choosing fear, if I choose to trust God even when I don’t see how He could make it all happen, I can still dream my dream. If I choose to believe that He can do the impossible, with any person, in any circumstance, I know I will be amazed and joyfully surprised to see what happens. I actually want to be blown away. I know it will all be because of Him, but I want to be a part of it!

He bids us to come to Him with boldness and tell him our dream. He may help it become reality, or He may direct us to a different dream, one He has in mind for us that is often bigger and brighter than what we came up with.

My prayer lately is that God will remove those irritating walls I put up around my limited vision of Him. I pray He will knock down self-imposed limitations and negative things I tell myself. I pray He will replace it all with hope and true, undeniable, rock-solid faith in all He is and all He can do. I want Him to fill my ears and eyes and heart to bursting – so full of His awesome presence and purpose that there is no room for lies and doubt.

Papa, I have a dream…