Surrender

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“There is a God.  It is not me.”

(The first line of chapter five in the book I’m reading, “The Me I want to Be” by John Ortberg.)

What a great line – that should be my motto.  It’s the beginning of true wisdom.  To really live in relationship with God, we have to surrender.

Surrender is difficult: it requires a pushing down of my pride and that’s an ongoing battle.  I have to  admit I’m not in control and that if I really was it would be a disaster; that I need someone else to take control and “drive” my life – someone who is stronger and wiser.  It’s an act of denying my selfish wants, opinions, hopes and brilliant plans.  It’s a falling back and completely letting go, which is scary!  What if God messes up or isn’t paying attention or…?  Continue reading →

One

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Click the link below to watch a video – watch it all the way through.

One of those moments.

What struck me the most after seeing this is how much, how incredibly much, this man’s life was changed by the other man’s monthly gift of only $38.  It is mind-boggling.  I think I can understand why he was so overwhelmed to meet his friend and “savior” face to face.  To be saved from starvation and a life destined to be wrought with struggle and hardship, then set on a path to wholeness, hope, and purpose – how could he fully express his gratitude?  He had no words.  I would have no words.

Do we realize what we have been saved from by Jesus?  Continue reading →

New

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(I’ve lost track of which day I’m on.  I missed one here and there so no more numbered days on post titles!  I’m still fasting from facebook until Easter.)

Driving to work was cheering today since instead of gray foggy heaviness there was a wide open blue sky.  I so enjoy the artwork of God!  Many times the beauty of what He’s made draws me closer to Him and causes me to worship.  A few wispy clouds gathered around the bright orange disc of a sun, almost as if they were coaxing it to come up – up through God’s watercolor splash of soft orange fading to warm apricot then to faint pink then to clear aqua blue.  It was stunning.

I didn’t even pull my visor down but actually enjoyed the piercing light of the sun in my eyes, as it rose now fully awake, big and bold and enjoying its task of announcing a new day had begun.  New.  That word became my mind’s sole focus for the next few moments as I kept driving…driving into a new day.  “This IS a new day,” I could hear God say to my heart.  Continue reading →

Muchness

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[SPOILER alert: If you haven’t seen the latest “Alice in Wonderland” film you may not want to read on]

I tend to see the “deep” in just about everything.  I can’t help it really.  Because of this I’m always watching for messages and morals in movies and books and when I find one it can move me and stay with me a while, giving me ponder material.  When I saw the “Fellowship of the Ring” and watched near the end as Sam tried to swim after Frodo to keep him from going on his terrible quest alone, I cried seeing the loyalty and tenacity of his friendship played out on the big screen.  I made a promise, Mr Frodo. A promise. “Don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee.” And I don’t mean to. I don’t mean to. It was beautiful to me.  Likewise when I watched the last movie, “Return of the King” I was moved at the visual image of battle scenes between good and evil, dark and light…the willing sacrifice to fight for what was right in a last-ditch effort to push back what was so wrong.  It reminded me of the world we live in and the battle we fight as followers of Christ.

Sometimes when I mention what I learned from or got out of a movie, my family will humor me  with rolled eyes but then say things like “I thought the graphics were amazing!”  or “I liked the fight scene” or “wasn’t it funny when Gandalf smacked Sam on the head with his staff?”  I do remember after watching “Napoleon Dynamite” a few years ago, Krissy saying to me, “I didn’t see any lesson in that movie, Mom.”  I actually agreed with her on that one.

I was surprised when we went to see the latest remake of “Alice in Wonderland” to find myself inspired by some of what I saw and heard.  Continue reading →

Day 23 – Rainy

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On days like this my mood seems to mirror the outside, drippy and gray.

Breakfast with a good friend was an uplift and blessing.  Instead of withdrawing when I feel down, which is my tendency, I need to be with a friend and be a friend.

I often start cleaning when I’m thinking hard, frustrated, or need to release pent-up energy.  You should see my spotless kitchen.  I guess that’s one of the perks of parenting teens!

Oh, and today I received the award “Strictest Parent Ever”.   Thank you, thank you…I’d like to thank the little people who aren’t so little anymore for giving me the opportunity.

Hugs are good.  I need some more.  Where is that husband?  I’m going to go get a hug or two right now.

I accidentally included a reimbursement check of ours in with my work deposit last night!  Fortunately when I called the branch they said they found it.  Oh my.  What will I be like when I’m 70?  Stick around – it should be entertaining!

I’ve always thought it would be kind of fun to work at Target.  What do you think?  Do you think the magic would wear off if I was there all the time?  I don’t think that’s possible.

I’m using The Message version in my daily Bible reading plan this year and love it!  I found this verse yesterday in Proverbs.  I thought of writing it on a poster board and sticking it by the door:  “Dear child, if you become wise, I’ll be one happy parent…”  (Prov. 23:14-16)  The verse before that one says “Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones, a spanking won’t kill them.”

As I drove to breakfast this morning I heard a beautiful song.  The words made me cry.  Please take a minute to listen to this:

Places where grace is, soon to be so amazing…

Oh Lord, let it be true.  I’m counting on You.

Days 21/22 – Zumba!

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We walked into the gym greeted by friendly faces.  We were about to try Zumba.  I’d heard so much about it and was dying to see what it was all about.  My daughter and I knew that it involved dancing and probably some hip action and knowing that isn’t our forte made our way to the back row.  The music started, nice and loud with an infectious tribal sort of beat, and we began to warm up following the motions of the teacher way up front.  She stopped after that song and said she couldn’t hear well – the speakers were right over her head.  So she grabbed her stuff and marched through the crowd of ladies to the other side of the room and instructed the group to turn around.  That left Kaitlin and I on the front row!  I think I heard her say, “Oh crap.”   Continue reading →

Day 20 – Not Afraid

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Last night there was a disturbance, not a disturbance in the force but in the family room.  We’re navigating teenage girlhood with our youngest and the waters can be pretty turbulent at times and usually when we least expect it.  Well, a big wave of disrespect and moodiness splashed over John and I.  As we sat blinking on the couch, staring at American Idol, the stormy little instigator marched upstairs.  Moments later the disgruntled teen stomped down the stairs and out the front door!  It was nighttime – dark and chilly out.  John went to see where she went and found her sitting on the porch.  He came back in and closed the door.  I got a rush of restless energy so went to the kitchen to clean.  Cleaning always helps when I’m anxious or just need to get my body busy so I won’t sit and fret.  As I walked in and turned on the faucet to start rinsing dishes, fear blew an icy breath to fog up my heart.  I thought, “What if she runs away?  What if she does something else stupid?  What will we do?  Do I call the police?”  Then I immediately thought, “I’m not going to worry about this” and instead began to pray.  As I put dishes in the dishwasher rather forcefully, I prayed for God to send away any influence from the enemy that was affecting her and her heart.  I prayed and declared that God’s Holy Spirit was the only influence welcome in our home, in the hearts of my family.  I rebuked satan and told him to leave in Jesus’ name.

As I prayed – I was actually saying these things out loud quietly as I scrubbed the surface of the oven – I felt a growing boldness rise up.  The fear started to ebb away as I kept telling the enemy that he was not welcome, that he had no power over us, and that he had to leave because Jesus said so.  All we have to do is resist Him.  That’s what the Bible says!  (James 4:7-8)  We don’t have to punch him, fight him, wrestle with him, or convince him to go.  We just have to pull away and say “Eww, I don’t want you here.”  Well, that’s what I did.  As I prayed it was as if my wimpy little heart suddenly was fortified with the steely determination of Truth.  I said, “I’m not afraid of you!”  Instantly the fear was gone and I felt peace.  I wasn’t worried at all.  I felt strong – felt the power of God all around me, the goodness of Truth triumphing again over evil.  (Like it does EVERY time)

I remember when I was little being afraid to walk through the church with the lights off.  For some reason a church can be really creepy when it’s all dark.  There was nothing there, though!  No reason to be afraid.  And usually my parents were around somewhere getting ready to go home.   I HATE spiders, but most of them don’t hurt anyone. They’re just incredibly spindly, quick and unpredictable and can make me freak out like little else.  When my girls were little and John wasn’t home, I had to be the spider killer.  I would just tell myself, “I’m not afraid” and squish it.  Of course I would usually do it as fast as I could and then get the heebie-jeebies, but you get my point right?

I was talking with a good friend once about doubts and faith, confessing I had some doubts and was feeling guilty about it.  It was also making me afraid for the condition of my faith in God and the foundation I’ve built my life upon this whole time.  He said he didn’t think doubt is the opposite of faith, but that fear is.  I think he’s right.  Doubt usually leads me to God for understanding, for peace, for conversation.  Fear tends to paralyze me.  The Bible says that perfect love (God) casts out all fear (I John 4:17-18) so that tells me that fear is NOT of God.  Not that kind of fear anyway.  My friend told me when doubts arose in his heart, he took them to God and just decided he wasn’t going to give in to fear.  He wasn’t even going to go there.

Is it as simple as that?  Just saying, “you know what?  I’m not going to be afraid.”  I think it is!  For so long I’ve been captive to fears that have nothing to stand on.  The devil is also the prince of lies and all the fears he sloshes onto us are false.  They can be really powerful and trip us but they’re nothing.  He has no power over us.  The thought of facing him when we have God on our side is like us having a battle with a loaf of bread.  (Hilarious simile compliments of John Crump.  Makes me laugh every time I picture it.)

The next time you feel afraid – whether it’s of a dinky spider on your floor or a big, new life circumstance you find yourself in or something you don’t understand about God – choose not to be afraid.  Choose to stand tall with God’s Spirit big inside of you and all around you.  Choose to remember whose you are.  Choose to take it to God, your Father.  Choose to proclaim to the enemy, “I’m not afraid of you!”

Then watch God do something awesome.

Day 19 – A time to praise

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1 For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8  NLT

One activity is missing from that list:  Praise.  Maybe it’s because it is always the time to praise, no matter what else is happening, no matter what other time it is or what other activity is right for that time.  There’s something about praise that changes the heart’s attitude, that lifts the spirit, that centers our utmost self and settles us.

This morning as I went to work my heart was heavy, like a big, dripping wet towel.  The weight of fear, anxiety and sadness seemed to even weigh me down physically.  I took deep breaths and sighs, felt like I was a little piece of lead sitting in my desk chair.  It was an effort to smile and greet my co-workers and people in the building.  My dear friend, Jenene, asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her and I agreed.  She is a patient, loving, listening friend and let me splutter and spurt my frustration, hurts and bewilderment all over her.   As I did the pressure lifted.  All that pent up “stuff” coming out of my heart made room for peace and a sense of “ahhhhh.”  I remembered not to take everything quite so seriously.  I remembered that God is in control, that what I face is not different from just about everyone else, and that I wasn’t alone in any sense of the word.  My heart decided that it’s a time to praise.

I praise God for:

  • Showing me in a few small ways that He is at work.  When I can’t see what He’s doing I start thinking He’s forgotten or is taking too long or got busy helping someone else.  When I start thinking that, God says “now is a time to wake up and have faith!”
  • Giving me some quality time with my youngest making muffins and talking after supper.
  • For reminding me as I woke up this morning that His mercy is new every morning and that I need to give my daughter a clean start each day, too.
  • For the beee-you-ti-ful sunshine and warm air today!  I actually drove home with my window open.  Now that is awesome.
  • For quiet time this evening with no TV, no noise.
  • For a good jog and the legs to carry me.
  • For my family, home, pets, stuff, job, and everything else that makes this earthly life tick.  Thank you, God!
  • For God’s amazing goodness, purity, unchanging nature, strength and wisdom, power and might, artistic ability and imagination.  There is no one like Him!
  • For music to sing along with.
  • For my sister and mom and the fun phone conversations we have.
  • For possibilities.
  • For a boss who, when giving a reference, was a true advocate for me and my hubby and almost threatened to cause a ruckus if we were knowingly welcomed into an unhealthy situation.   I’m blessed to have a boss who is also a really good friend.
  • For coconut cream Easter eggs, as sugary and fattening as they may be.  They are a little piece of heavenly cloud floated down to earth and put into a little white cardboard box.
  • For hope in knowing my life is in God’s hands and I have nothing to fear.

Applause, everyone. Bravo, bravissimo! Shout God-songs at the top of your lungs!
God Most High is stunning,
astride land and ocean…
Loud cheers as God climbs the mountain,
a ram’s horn blast at the summit.
Sing songs to God, sing out!
Sing to our King, sing praise!
He’s Lord over earth,
so sing your best songs to God.
God is Lord of godless nations—
sovereign, he’s King of the mountain.
Princes from all over are gathered,
people of Abraham’s God.
The powers of earth are God’s—
he soars over all.        – Psalm 47  The Msg

…

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I never thought I’d be saying this but sometimes, especially in this past year, I really look forward to the day when my girls are out on their own and I’m not responsible to discipline and guide them so tangibly every single day.  It makes me tired.  One of them in particular is high maintenance and requires lots of checking up on, keeping on her back, reminding about obedience and respect, and it goes on and on.  After so many years in our home I thought maybe she would know these things a little better by now.  Sheesh!!

As I sit and type I’m thinking about my own self and my heavenly Father.  How I admire his patience.  Oh my.  I am no better than her in my slowness to really learn the things he’s been teaching me for years.  I want to be better, I want to please Him.  I just mess up, or get lazy, or mouth off sometimes.

God, please move in the heart of my daughters.  With your Spirit, draw them close, open their hearts to you for real so they will allow you to transform them and change the way they think and behave.  I can only do so much and feel such a failure right now….or at least sorely inadequate.

Thank you for being patient with me.  You’re going to have to instill some of that patience in me right now so I can parent with grace and not anger, with wisdom and not impulsive reaction from emotion.  I’m such an emotional person – that last part is a real challenge for me.  Alleviate my fears somehow that my daughter won’t grow up loving you like I wish she would.  At least give me the grace to trust you more so I won’t be afraid.  She has to make her choices.  I guess I’m not responsible for those choices but it sure feels that way.

I love her.  I want a good life for her.  I want her to know You because that will be the absolute best path for her to take.  I hope and pray she will realize that and choose…and soon!

God, I love You.  Thank you for being my father and for teaching me over and over, giving me a clean slate every day, not holding my past mistakes against me, and telling me that with You I can do it…whatever is ahead of me.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  Hebrews 12:11

Day 18-19 Weekend

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I’m sitting in the big comfy armchair in my parent’s family room surrounded by their two sweet doggies – Maggie, a gentle, black Scottie dog and Sophie, a snuggly little Bichon whose fluffiness reminds us of a Q-tip.  The sun is brilliant outdoors and shining through all the big windows.  My tummy is full of cereal and english muffin, with a splash of diet coke thrown in.  My heart is full of relaxation and happiness, being in my parents’ home for a few days and enjoying the comfort of familiarity and their company.  It’s so good to get away.  Now that we have more flexibility on our weekends we thought we should take advantage of it and come over to see them this weekend and it’s been really good.

We went to the Saturday night worship at their church last night and so today are being lazy, sleep-in, bums still in our jammies.  How’s that for a switch for a pastor and his family?

In worship last night God was so close.  We sang one of our new favorites, “Glory to God” by Steve Fee.  The words are simple but help me so much in focus in my heart – “Glory to God, glory to God, glory to God forever!”  It’s all for Him.  We also sang the song “Center” by Charlie Hall.  I first learned/heard this song here at their church last year and after that we began to use it at New Life in worship.  The lyrics, of course, are what move me and remind me of what’s important:  “Oh Christ, be the center of our lives, be the place we fix our eyes…You’re the center of the Universe everything was made in You, Jesus.  Breath of every living thing, every one was made for You.  You hold everything together…”  The prayer time was especially moving to me.  A lady walked up on the platform with papers in hand and read a beautiful, heartfelt prayer that she had written.  It was breath-taking.  I would seriously love to have a copy.  It was simple and to the point, but clearly coming from a heart that deeply reveres God, deeply loves Him and is rooted in His Word.  At the end she was praising God with words similar to those of David in the psalms and my heart just overflowed into tears.  What a lovely moment in God’s presence.

My dad is the pastor and his message was right on.  He preached about how so many of us are approval addicts and how that’s contrary to what God wants for us.  He asked the poignant question, “Who is in your jury box?  Who are you playing your life to?”  In other words, whose approval are you seeking?  The only one whose approval matters is God but so often we find ourselves comparing ourselves, even becoming deceitful to impress others, or in bondage to “playing our lives out” to gain people’s stamp of approval.

The key according to dad’s message?  Transparency and secrecy.  Two things that sound like opposites.  When we realize we have nothing to lose in being completely transparent because our only real audience is God we can be fully vulnerable and honest about ourselves.  God already knows everything about us, our mistakes, hang-ups, flaws, and more.  Being transparent is scary but freeing.  Then you have nothing to hide.  No need for any deceit or play-acting.

The secrecy dad talked about is the secrecy we’re supposed to have when we do good for others and are involved in our prayer life.  Jesus said that when we give to others or do good we shouldn’t even let our right hand know what our left hand is doing.  We only need God’s approval and reward, not the reward or “good thinking” of others who find out  what we did.  Also, when we pray and fast, we’re not doing it to gain applause or make a good impression, we’re praying and fasting to grow closer to God and become more like him.  Then we can portray Jesus to the people around us, being completely free of the need to impress or the hunger for man’s approval.  That is true freedom indeed!  That’s what I want and need.

Who am I playing my life to?  How about you?  Who is in your jury box?  Don’t fall prey to living your life to please people.  Don’t live in that bondage.  Be free in knowing you live in God’s love, He has already accepted You and approved of you if you’ve chosen to accept the gift of Jesus’ sacrifice and love.  You don’t have to earn His approval.  You can just fall into His love.  That freedom makes me think of a wide, breezy, sun-lit prairie, spreading my arms out  letting the tips of fingers swish through wild flowers as I run without getting tired, enjoying the life and fresh air of knowing that whoever I am, whoever God made me to be is okay and enough.  This morning my heart is full with the sunshine of these thoughts and the peace of this weekend away.  Thank you, Jesus.  Glory to God!

“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”  Galatians 1:10

“Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.”  Colossians 1:22