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I never thought I’d be saying this but sometimes, especially in this past year, I really look forward to the day when my girls are out on their own and I’m not responsible to discipline and guide them so tangibly every single day.  It makes me tired.  One of them in particular is high maintenance and requires lots of checking up on, keeping on her back, reminding about obedience and respect, and it goes on and on.  After so many years in our home I thought maybe she would know these things a little better by now.  Sheesh!!

As I sit and type I’m thinking about my own self and my heavenly Father.  How I admire his patience.  Oh my.  I am no better than her in my slowness to really learn the things he’s been teaching me for years.  I want to be better, I want to please Him.  I just mess up, or get lazy, or mouth off sometimes.

God, please move in the heart of my daughters.  With your Spirit, draw them close, open their hearts to you for real so they will allow you to transform them and change the way they think and behave.  I can only do so much and feel such a failure right now….or at least sorely inadequate.

Thank you for being patient with me.  You’re going to have to instill some of that patience in me right now so I can parent with grace and not anger, with wisdom and not impulsive reaction from emotion.  I’m such an emotional person – that last part is a real challenge for me.  Alleviate my fears somehow that my daughter won’t grow up loving you like I wish she would.  At least give me the grace to trust you more so I won’t be afraid.  She has to make her choices.  I guess I’m not responsible for those choices but it sure feels that way.

I love her.  I want a good life for her.  I want her to know You because that will be the absolute best path for her to take.  I hope and pray she will realize that and choose…and soon!

God, I love You.  Thank you for being my father and for teaching me over and over, giving me a clean slate every day, not holding my past mistakes against me, and telling me that with You I can do it…whatever is ahead of me.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  Hebrews 12:11

Day 18-19 Weekend

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I’m sitting in the big comfy armchair in my parent’s family room surrounded by their two sweet doggies – Maggie, a gentle, black Scottie dog and Sophie, a snuggly little Bichon whose fluffiness reminds us of a Q-tip.  The sun is brilliant outdoors and shining through all the big windows.  My tummy is full of cereal and english muffin, with a splash of diet coke thrown in.  My heart is full of relaxation and happiness, being in my parents’ home for a few days and enjoying the comfort of familiarity and their company.  It’s so good to get away.  Now that we have more flexibility on our weekends we thought we should take advantage of it and come over to see them this weekend and it’s been really good.

We went to the Saturday night worship at their church last night and so today are being lazy, sleep-in, bums still in our jammies.  How’s that for a switch for a pastor and his family?

In worship last night God was so close.  We sang one of our new favorites, “Glory to God” by Steve Fee.  The words are simple but help me so much in focus in my heart – “Glory to God, glory to God, glory to God forever!”  It’s all for Him.  We also sang the song “Center” by Charlie Hall.  I first learned/heard this song here at their church last year and after that we began to use it at New Life in worship.  The lyrics, of course, are what move me and remind me of what’s important:  “Oh Christ, be the center of our lives, be the place we fix our eyes…You’re the center of the Universe everything was made in You, Jesus.  Breath of every living thing, every one was made for You.  You hold everything together…”  The prayer time was especially moving to me.  A lady walked up on the platform with papers in hand and read a beautiful, heartfelt prayer that she had written.  It was breath-taking.  I would seriously love to have a copy.  It was simple and to the point, but clearly coming from a heart that deeply reveres God, deeply loves Him and is rooted in His Word.  At the end she was praising God with words similar to those of David in the psalms and my heart just overflowed into tears.  What a lovely moment in God’s presence.

My dad is the pastor and his message was right on.  He preached about how so many of us are approval addicts and how that’s contrary to what God wants for us.  He asked the poignant question, “Who is in your jury box?  Who are you playing your life to?”  In other words, whose approval are you seeking?  The only one whose approval matters is God but so often we find ourselves comparing ourselves, even becoming deceitful to impress others, or in bondage to “playing our lives out” to gain people’s stamp of approval.

The key according to dad’s message?  Transparency and secrecy.  Two things that sound like opposites.  When we realize we have nothing to lose in being completely transparent because our only real audience is God we can be fully vulnerable and honest about ourselves.  God already knows everything about us, our mistakes, hang-ups, flaws, and more.  Being transparent is scary but freeing.  Then you have nothing to hide.  No need for any deceit or play-acting.

The secrecy dad talked about is the secrecy we’re supposed to have when we do good for others and are involved in our prayer life.  Jesus said that when we give to others or do good we shouldn’t even let our right hand know what our left hand is doing.  We only need God’s approval and reward, not the reward or “good thinking” of others who find out  what we did.  Also, when we pray and fast, we’re not doing it to gain applause or make a good impression, we’re praying and fasting to grow closer to God and become more like him.  Then we can portray Jesus to the people around us, being completely free of the need to impress or the hunger for man’s approval.  That is true freedom indeed!  That’s what I want and need.

Who am I playing my life to?  How about you?  Who is in your jury box?  Don’t fall prey to living your life to please people.  Don’t live in that bondage.  Be free in knowing you live in God’s love, He has already accepted You and approved of you if you’ve chosen to accept the gift of Jesus’ sacrifice and love.  You don’t have to earn His approval.  You can just fall into His love.  That freedom makes me think of a wide, breezy, sun-lit prairie, spreading my arms out  letting the tips of fingers swish through wild flowers as I run without getting tired, enjoying the life and fresh air of knowing that whoever I am, whoever God made me to be is okay and enough.  This morning my heart is full with the sunshine of these thoughts and the peace of this weekend away.  Thank you, Jesus.  Glory to God!

“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”  Galatians 1:10

“Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.”  Colossians 1:22

Day 17 – “Free” thinking

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I saw a news story yesterday about a group of college kids who call themselves the “Atheist Agenda” who set up a table on the campus of UTSA in San Antonio, Texas offering porn to students in exchange for their holy texts.  One of the leaders said it was trading smut for smut.  He said porn is consensual “unlike religious texts that condone lying and using violence against individuals which is the exact opposite of let’s say anything that is peaceful.”  To view the short story click here.

It sounds like he hasn’t read all of the Bible at least and is taking a few instances out of context on which to base his argument – which is ridiculous to me.   And why hand out porn in exchange?  Does porn stand for peace, for something better than what holy texts offer?  That doesn’t make sense.  They were just appealing to an urge and desire as a lure to come away from God.

I don’t understand why some atheists feel it is their obligation to enlighten others to the error of their ways if they believe in God or some other diety, or follow a religion.  Why should they care?  If they don’t believe in God or an afterlife, why would it bother them if someone else believes that way?  Seriously.  At first I thought they were only asking for Bibles in exchange for porn and that led me to think “is this really an opposition to believing in God or an opposition to Jesus?  Why not a Quran?  Or one of the Vedas of Hinduism?  Or the Book of Mormon?”   Is it all to satisfy some need we all seem to have to feel superior to others?  To proclaim that we’re right and they’re wrong?  Do they feel they are doing a civic duty by leading Christians back to reasonable thinking, back away from following the teachings of Christ, back from their foolish lives of faith in things that are often unseen?

If I share my faith with someone, or testify about something God has done for me, it is because I believe it will benefit them in their life and give them hope.  If I knew of a cure for an illness or a medicine that would relieve pain and met someone in great pain or with that illness, I’d want to share what I knew with them to hopefully help them.  If I was walking through a really dark place with some others around me and had the only flashlight or torch, I’d walk closer to them and hold out the light to help them see the path.    I think it would be odd for someone who didn’t believe in light to come and tell me to snuff out my torch or turn off my flashlight.  If they want to walk on their own and find their own way that’s their choice, but why bother to try and convince me I don’t believe in or need the light I have in my hand?

What do you think about the reason behind atheists’ campaigns against people who believe in God?

Another interesting interview with the leader from Atheist Agenda on Youtube

God’s good people are everywhere

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I just had a blessing from God.  I emailed a man who works in the dept. across the hall because it’s the “Education” dept for the Wesleyan church to see if he knew anyone at the Wesleyan Univ. where John’s applied for a bldg. manager job.  I was hoping maybe he could put in a good word for John.   Well no sooner had I clicked “send” then he came through the door, plopped down in the chair in front of my desk and asked me what was going on.  He has always been really kind and nice when I pass him in the hallway.  He was concerned to hear that John isn’t pastoring and wants to help, just not sure if he has the contacts over there that would help.  He listened carefully as I shared, empathized with me and then prayed for us before he went back to this office.  Wow.  Thank you, God!  What a blessing I received from this small act of kindness.  God’s good people are everywhere – I really believe that’s one of the ways He is providing right now – through prayers and love of people around us.  Praise the Lord!!

Day 16 – A foot in the door isn’t enough

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Jogging on the treadmill has to be one of the most boring ways to burn calories but if I have the choice of jogging indoors in a comfortably heated room compared to jogging outdoors through snow and ice in 20 degree windy weather, I’ll take the treadmill. Sometimes I watch the TV in the exercise room or listen to music on my ipod. Today I thought I would put a podcast on and it really helped. Now if I could just have something fun to look at while I jog other than the electrical outlet straight ahead of me on the wall.

One of my new favorite “web pastors” is Craig Groeschel of Lifechurch.tv. I’m in the midst of the series called “Practical Atheist” – about when we claim to believe in God but we live as if He doesn’t exist. The message I heard today was about when Jesus spoke to a church from Laodicea (in the book of Revelation). He said this to them, “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other!  But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!” Rev. 3:15-16 The Greek word used in that last phrase is “emeo” which means to spew, spit or vomit. When we say we believe but live as if we don’t, it makes Jesus want to throw us up. That’s pretty graphic!

According to Craig (and author Francis Chan) Lukewarm Christians:

  • Crave acceptance from people more than acceptance from God.
  • Rarely share their faith in Christ.
  • Do just whatever it takes to alleviate their guilt.
  • Think more about life on earth than eternity in heaven…stuff, image, money, etc.
  • Gauge their morality by comparing to others.
  • Want to be saved from the penalty of sin without changing their ways.
  • Only turn to God when they’re in a bind.
  • Give whenever it doesn’t hinder their standard of living.  Studies show that Non-Christians are actually more generous than most Christians.
  • Are not much different from the rest of the world….same morals, entertained by the same things…
  • Want the benefits of what Christ did without conforming to who He is.

WOW.  That is a tough list.  Tough message.  The truth truly does hurt sometimes but how absolutely vital it is!  Have I become a full-time mom, wife, worker, friend and a part-time Christian?  It can happen so easily.  I’m backwards much of the time.

Why are we like this?  How do we become lukewarm?  Many of us had emotional conversion moments when we really felt cleansed of our sin, when we first gave our hearts to Jesus.  What makes the difference between someone who has lost that fire and become lukewarm and someone who is still burning with God’s passion and love in their heart?  One reason is that it’s so “easy” to believe in God here in our country.  There is no price to pay, no sacrifice compared to believers in countries where it’s against the law to profess Jesus as their Savior, where they may lose their jobs, families or lives for remaining faithful to Christ.

If we read on in Revelation, Jesus offers, “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.”  (v. 20) He was saying that to the “believers” in Laodicea – it sounds like he’s not in yet.  They couldn’t really follow and live for Jesus because they didn’t know Him, because they hadn’t let him come in.  Think if someone had invited you over for dinner, someone who wanted to get to know you better, but once you arrived they stood in the open door, not allowing you to step inside.  Awkward to say the least.  It reminds me of how I behave when someone from Jehovah’s Witnesses comes to my house.  I don’t want them to come in.  I’ll listen to them at the door while they stay outside and then politely tell them I’m not interested.   Sometimes we’ve even ignored their knocking on the door, pretending to not be at home.  I know, that’s kind of pathetic isn’t it?

Jesus said he’s knocking.  He’s ready and willing to come in and let us know Him, but we have to open the door and let him in.  We’re not just talking about letting him stick his foot in the door.  He needs to come all the way in.   Close the door behind Him.  Sit down with Him.  Engage in conversation.  Listen to Him.  There is no in between, no halfway, no little bit of Jesus – either you ask Him all the way in or you leave him outside on the porch.

Come in, Jesus, please.


To watch Craig’s message, click here.

Day 15 – Live ’til you die

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Watch this:
Elderly couple throws down on the piano at Mayo

I saw this today and loved it. This couple was visiting the Mayo clinic and stopped to play for a moment on the piano in the main lobby. They’ve been married 62 years; the husband is 90 years old! I’m assuming one of them is fighting an illness since they’re there, but they’re radiating life and fun. I also love the way they work together, taking turns with each part, bouncing along all the way to the end. That’s a good model for marriage, too, don’t you think?

You’re only as old as you feel or decide to be. You don’t have to die in your heart before your body gives out. Really live until you die!

Day 14 – Ruined

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ru·in// [roo-in]

1.  ruins, the remains of a building, city, etc., that has been destroyed or that is in disrepair or a state of decay
2.  a destroyed or decayed building, town, etc.
3.  a fallen, wrecked, or decayed condition: The building fell to ruin.
4.  the downfall, decay, or destruction of anything.
5.  the complete loss of health, means, position, hope, or the like.
6.  something that causes a downfall or destruction; blight: Alcohol was his ruin.
7.  the downfall of a person; undoing: the ruin of Oedipus.
8.  a person as the wreck of his or her former self; ravaged individual.
9.  the act of causing destruction or a downfall.

I heard a convicting, compelling message yesterday by Pastor Craig Groeschel of Lifechurch.tv about practical atheism in the Church:  when people profess belief in God but live as if He doesn’t exist.  Craig proposed that if we’ve really encountered God and given our hearts to Him, we would be living transformed lives.  Things would be different.  We wouldn’t be thinking we can just say or do whatever we want and still be God’s child, still be saved.  It’s as if we say of our faith, “I’ll take what I want but give back the rest.”  Craig said we don’t fully surrender to or obey God because we don’t fear Him and we don’t fear Him because we don’t really know Him.

I think back to elementary school days.  If a little friend of mine tried to tell me what to do, I might put my hands on my hips, look them square in the eye and say “you’re not the boss of me.”  However, if my teacher called my name, or worse called me to her desk, and told me to do something, I would go do it right away.  I didn’t want to get in trouble!   I appropriately “feared” or respected my teachers because I knew that they were in charge and I wasn’t.

Jesus said even the demons believe in God and tremble.  How many of us who say we believe in God tremble in His presence or have a reverent awe-filled fear of who He is?  Do we know/realize who He is?

Pastor Craig asserted that when we truly encounter God we are ruined.  Our values change completely – what was once so important to us is not important anymore.  Instead, we are transformed by passion from God’s own heart and pursue what He values – which in turn leads us to a rich, full, forgiven and free life.

In the Old Testament you can read the story of Isaiah, a man who had a very personal, life-changing, mind-blowing encounter with God Almighty.  Aside from being overwhelmed visually by the immense majesty and presence of His Creator, there were the resounding songs of praise by angels who hovered near.  Their thunderous voices singing “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!” were so powerful the very floor shook where Isaiah stood and the room filled with smoke.  He fell to his face shouting, “I’m ruined!  I’m so sinful. I could not be more unworthy!  I’m a man of unclean lips and yet my eyes have actually seen the Lord!”  An angel came to him with a burning coal to purge his lips and make him clean.  Instead of death or chastisement, he was forgiven.   Then when Isaiah heard God asking for volunteers to go and do his will, Isaiah jumped up, probably waving his hands and answering, “Me!  Here I am, Lord!  I will do whatever you say.  I’ll go.”  (Isaiah 6)

One of the definitions of the word “ruin” above that I particularly relate to talks of the downfall or undoing of a person.   There are moments when I come face to face with God’s holiness and I realize again, falling face down in my heart, that my flimsy cardboard will is no match for the gale-force wind of God’s majesty and presence.  In surrender, I come undone.  The things my heart has treasured begin to fall away and I mourn.  I watch the downfall of my human understanding, the loss of every earthly thing, the wreck of my efforts to save myself, the destruction of all my plans and expectations.  It all sweeps away as great, roaring breakers of God’s love crash down.  They wash over me and I find myself lifted out of the rubble, buoyed up by love so deep my feet can’t touch the bottom.  I float helplessly and thankfully straight to Jesus’ arms, where I find salvation and hope.   Now that I know Him, no other love will ever be enough.  Nothing I’ve treasured before matters or compares.   I am ruined.

Day 13 – Flow

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During my lunch break I read another chapter of my book, “The Me I Want to Be” by John Ortberg.  It’s so good!  You need to read it.  Everyone should read it.  Seriously.  Go get it right now.  The author’s conversational style and humor make it actually fun to read.  I am learning so much and gaining such encouragement. I might actually finish this one!

Here are a few tidbits that struck me today from chapter 3:

  • My main job in life is to remain connected to God.  When I focus on that, things seem to fall into place.  When I lose that focus, I stop thriving and can’t fully be the me God made me to be.
  • How do I bridge the gap between the “me” God made to me be and the one I really am right now?  I can’t – and that’s a very important point.  “Self-improvement” is a misnomer as we actually can’t really improve ourselves anymore than we can save ourselves.  God wants to energize me, nurture, guide and enliven me with His grace and that’s something that can only be given by Him – through His Holy Spirit.
  • If only I can learn to live from one moment to the next in the flow of God’s Spirit – not by working harder at it or following rules.  That’s a big “if” that I want to learn really badly!
  • The flow of the Holy Spirit is what makes us alive – like a river in the middle of a desert.  Without the flow of the life-giving river the desert is dry and dead.
  • If I want life, I want God.
  • God’s Spirit doesn’t just flow in us, but through us to help others thrive as well.  Like John says, it’s a “so that” arrangement.  God flows through us so that we can bless others…
  • We don’t have to convince God’s Spirit to work in our lives, He is already at work.  We just have to stay out-of-the-way and not stop the flow, or “quench the Spirit.”  I need to keep my heart open to His influence in my life and not close myself off from Him – i.e. by choosing to not listen to Him, choosing to not follow a prompting from Him, etc.
  • Obedience to God helps me to stand right in the middle of the life-giving flow of His Spirit and grace.
  • When I mess up or cause a momentary block by disobedience, God allows U-turns and recalculates my route.  He does it without saying, “I told you so.”
  • If God’s Spirit is flowing freely in my life, fruit will grow and be evident to people around me:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)  If these aren’t growing or if some sour fruit is showing, that might be an indicator that I’m not open to the flow, stunting my own growth.

I have to put in this little illustration that made me laugh,

“A woman sees a father shopping with a fussy two-year-old in his grocery cart.  ‘Be patient, Billy’, he whispers.  ‘You can handle this, Billy.  It’s okay, Billy.’

The woman said to him, ‘I don’t mean to interrupt your shopping, but I just had to tell you how wonderfully loving and patient you are with little Billy.’

The man replied, ‘Actually, my son’s name is Patrick.  MY name is Billy.'”1

Lord, help me jump into the river of your grace and wade up to my chin in the flow of your Holy Spirit.  Don’t let me obstruct Your influence on my heart.  Help me to focus on staying there, staying connected to You.  I’m trusting You to grow good fruit from my life.

1 The Me I Want to Be, by John Ortberg, copyright 2010.   Chapter 3, page 42

Day 12 – We have all we need

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I don’t have a lot to say today but I did really enjoy worship this morning.  We sang a new song with the lyrics, “We have all we need in You, and all we need is You…”  (Charlie Hall) and another that sang of Jesus in this way

“Beautiful Jesus
Beautiful Savior
Nothing is greater, brilliant Creator
Friend of mine
Perfect in power
Matchless in glory
Nothing is greater, brilliant Creator
Friend of mine.”    (by Kristian Stanfill)

It was so good to focus on Jesus and be reminded that He really is all we need.  I loved singing next to my daughters and harmonizing with them while we all sang…wonderful.  Kimmi and her boyfriend surprised us and came too!  Then we all went to lunch.  We had lots of laughs along with our tacos and nachos.

Something that stood out to me from this morning’s message at church was an illustration the speaker gave about his 7th grade year and flag football.  He was not such an athletic type: a little chubby and always chosen last for teams in PE.  During flag football they would make him a blocker so that he just stood there while the rest of the boys ran out the plays.  He decided to start at least running over to the side and up toward the goal line, just for something to do.  It came down to the last play in which they could possibly win the game.  He enthusiastically suggested to the quarterback in the team huddle that he could run to the goal line, since he was always wide open down there, and receive a pass.  The quarterback agreed and told him which pattern to run.  He excitedly ran the pattern, stood wide open in the end zone, not really sure the quarterback would really throw it to him when all of the sudden he saw the quarterback looking at him!  He nervously opened his arms and thought, “In this moment I can either be a hero or zero,” but actually caught the ball and they won!

God will use us when we feel so inadequate or that we’re an unlikely choice.  For some reason that illustration really struck a chord inside of me.   In the last 6-8 months or so, through various events, conversations and experiences, I’ve been second-guessing the ability John and I have to really lead a church or be fruitful as pastors.   I’ve compared us to other more cool or outgoing pastors, to other churches that seem to be busting at the seams with new converts, to entrepeneur types who have energizer bunny-type gusto and the creativity to match.  Even though I know I shouldn’t compare myself or my husband to anyone else, it happens.  When I heard the story this morning of the awkward football hero my heart swelled.  AND, if it’s true what I’ve been posting about how God made me and made John just the way we are on purpose, then that means he can use us the way we are to draw people to Him and help His cause.  I want to be better and more like Him, but I don’t have to change personalities, John doesn’t have to change personalities.  Just the way we are, we will look up from time to time and see God looking at us getting ready to make a pass.   He also enables us to catch it and score.  He wants us on his team.  He wants you.  He wants anyone who’s willing to be a part of what He’s doing, no matter how introverted, extroverted, serious, funny, cool or uncool we might be.

I have nothing against cool, awesomely outgoing servants of God, that’s for sure!  Just wanted to clarify that.   It’s just good to be reminded that God will throw to me, too.

(By the way, I’m not writing this to get reassurances from my sweet friends – just being honest and getting stuff out in the open)

Day 11 – Restoration

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When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I had to find a project to use up the restless energy that always accompanied my pregnancies.  I decided to refinish a dresser.  That’s right.  How hard could it be?  We had inherited a dresser from my mom and dad when we got married.  It had been made by my grandfather years before when he was a missionary in Kenya and helped run a woodworking shop where the students at the Bible school there earned a living.  It is huge and had been painted an antique sea-green color.  I bought some paint stripper at the hardware store, got a scraper and thought it would be a breeze.  You just strip off the old paint and put on new finish right?

It turned out to be a long, painstaking project.  Those chemical paint strippers help but they don’t remove all the paint for you.  You have to scrape and sand and scrape some more.  There are grooves in the front of the drawers and those were especially tricky – getting all the paint out of the cracks and crevices so there was no trace of that yucky green.  After the paint had been stripped, sanding had to be done and lots of it.  Then it all had to be wiped down so there was no leftover sawdust to mar the shiny surface when I applied the finish.

It was beautiful when it was done but there were several days I thought about throwing in the towel.  Good grief!  Continue reading →