I haven’t figured Him out yet

God, who made this expansive, mind-blowingly big universe chose to create life on this little ball of dirt called Earth.  Then He chose to love the little fleshly beings who were made in His image.

These little beings, who are irritatingly fickle, turn away from God too many times to count but He keeps taking them back, never once proving fickle to them, but faithful to His promise.

God shrinks himself, all his massive glory and power, to be contained by a tiny zygote which becomes an embryo, which grows into a baby and is born to a human woman.

This baby grew into the man named Jesus, who was fully God and fully man at the same time.

Mary and Martha grieved over their brother’s death and wondered why Jesus didn’t come when they first told him his friend Lazarus was dying.   He waited for days.  Of course when he did come something greater than just healing happened.  Lazarus got a second chance at life.

One night the disciples panicked as a tempest just about washed them into the sea.  While they tried to bail out the water filling their boat Jesus slept peacefully at the front.   It wasn’t until they woke him up that he did something.  He silenced the storm with a word.

Jesus told his followers that unless they ate his body and drank his blood they had no life in them.

Jesus promised eternal life if we trust in Him.  Eternal!  No end?!  Sometimes just thinking about it makes me afraid because I can’t wrap my mind around the concept.

A young mom is miraculously cured from stage 4 cancer.  Her family rejoices in awe and celebration.  Her husband and small children will get to keep their wife/mom.  Three years later the cancer recurs and soon after takes her life.

Christians around the world are beaten, tortured and killed for their faith.

A couple who has prayed and prayed and PRAYED for a baby cannot get pregnant, no matter what they try.  Another couple who weren’t planning on having any more kids gets pregnant.

I’m celebrating with friends of mine who put their house up for sale and in two days have it sold!  They don’t even know where they are going next or what they’re going to do.  I ache for another friend of mine who has had her house on the market for months, her husband living in another state for his job.  They are apart, they have prayed and prayed…nothing.

I have choices when I am face to face with something I don’t understand about God.  I can become bitter and angry, I can lose faith and think He’s not who He says He is, I can wait and watch, I can keep praying even if the silence from heaven is deafening, I can trust, I can feel sorry for myself, I can be jealous of other’s answered prayers, I can be thankful for having what I need today, I can look for a lesson and hope to grow through it all, or I can withdraw and give up.   I’m sure there are many other choices or possible reactions, good or bad, right or wrong, helpful or destructive, in times like this.

space-stars471The truth is God is a mystery.  I cannot fully understand Him.  When I read about the massive size of our universe, the millions, billions and quadrillions of light year miles between galaxies and stars, and then think about our tiny planet and little lives in comparison, I’m blown away and bewildered.  What kind of God do I really serve?  How big is He, really??  How does He know each of us, hear my voice among all the others in prayer, or orchestrate good outcomes for my life?  How is that possible??

If I had a god I could explain completely would I respect and revere Him?  Would having a small god only as wise or knowing as me make me trust Him to answer my prayers the best way?  Would having a god with limitations give me hope?  Would a god who only loved as much as I do on one of my best days cause me to willingly surrender my life to Him?

Instead of becoming indignant when God is “slow” to answer my prayers or answers in a way I didn’t expect, what if I embraced the mystery of my God and continued to trust Him?   Continue reading

Soar New Ravens Soar!

Kimmi with her new laptop!

Kimmi with her new laptop!

We’re home now from our weekend at Anderson University and Kimmi is officially an AU Raven!  She signed up for classes, got her ID picture taken, met new friends, bought a t-shirt and hasn’t stopped smiling since we left the campus.   I got to see several friends of mine that I’ve known since I was in college who work on campus as faculty and that was fun.  There are a lot of good people there – that makes me even more confident in sending my girls into their care for a few years.   During the parent session this morning the admissions staff had each of us tell our name, where we’re from, the name of our child, their major and what made them choose AU.

The overwhelming majority said their student felt welcomed when coming to campus, felt special, received individual special attention from the admissions staff and friendliness from current students.  It just goes to show that a warm, welcoming environment and intentionally making others feel like they really matter goes a long way.  I’m proud to be a Raven alum.  I kinda wish I could do college again – 4 of the best years of my life!

One of the presenters told the kids that over their high school years they grew a lot physically and changed a lot in that way, but that during the next four years they will change so much on the inside.  How true and how beautiful!  It will be exciting to watch the unfolding of Kimmi’s future and the shaping God does in her heart and life.

I came home to our downstairs full of stuff from our upstairs – what a mess!  We are fighting off some bedbugs.  I’m almost embarrassed to admit it but it’s true.  I guess they can show up anywhere these days but it always makes me think of people who live in squallor.  We don’t, I promise!  We did have to throw away two boxsprings, are washing and drying all bedding and clothes from the rooms where they were found, and super cleaning the floors.  I wonder why God even created bed bugs!  Seriously.  What purpose can they serve?  They bite us to get our blood, they don’t help anyone, they’re not even cute.   One good thing coming out of this mess for us is the super cleaning our apartment is getting as a result.  An exterminator came and steamed everything, which is apparently one of the only things that will kill the little pests.  I know we’re supposed to thank God for EVERYTHING so I told him the other day “thank you for bed bugs.”  Did He say we have to be sincere when we thank him for the not so lovely things in life?

All in all – we still are so blessed with more than we need.  Today we have had enough of everything and we always have God.  Hopefully we will have no more bedbugs!

Fly Butterfly

blue-morpho-butterfly-518617-ga

I drove out of Anderson to go home tonight and was surprised at the lump in my throat.  Kimmi’s staying overnight at the SOAR weekend at college, scheduling classes tomorrow, getting officially ready to start this fall.  We’re one step closer to her moving out, gradually shifting from one stage of family to the next.  Thankfully we’ll have several years to adjust as the other two move through high school and beyond.  Watching Kimmi graduate was fun and exciting but surreal.  Wow.  We’re really here, she’s really 18, life really is moving on.

It’s another reminder to me to live in today and enjoy what’s going on right now.  I’m determined not to get too emotional and miss the fun of this weekend for my girl.  Nicole C. Mullen wrote a song I love about moms blessing their daughters as they go out into the world.  The lyrics go like this: Continue reading

Kimmi, Kimba, Kimberly, Kimmi-kimmi-koco-bop

kimmiToday my first-born is going to walk across her high school gymnasium’s platform and accept her diploma. She is passing a milestone in her life and we get to watch her do it! I’ll watch with pride but I’m also feeling disbelief that we’re actually at this stage of life, curiosity about how our family dynamics will change now that we’re moving slowly out of the Klotzfive at home scene, sadness that she’ll be increasingly on her own and less a part of my daily life, and thankfulness for her bright mind and healthy body – that God has brought her this far and blessed her.

As I look back in my mind over Kimmi’s life I remember when she was so eager to read and write that she copied words from toys and books onto a little notebook we gave her. We found it one day with lots of scribbling but then very leglibly on one line the words “Made in China.”

She embraced school, reading, art, music, projects, friends, class plays, physical fitness tests and field days, and the whole sha-bang with joy.

I think it’s a natural tendency to compare our kids to ourselves when we were their age, but I’ve seen in Kimmi so many beautiful differences from when I was in school. She’s developed a real love for literature, especially Shakespeare. Rather than being saturated with music classes like I was, her loves have been reading, art, tennis, writing and most recently photography.

I’m not sure how I’ll react tonight at the graduation ceremony. I don’t know if I’ll get teary-eyed or just try to stay in my seat with an adrenaline rush of excitement at her accomplishment and bright future. There will be lots of video and picture taking, that’s for sure. To top it off her sister will be following right behind next year, barely giving John and I a breather from this life-changing phase we’re in.

Here’s to you, Kimmi, Kimba, Kimbalina, Kimberly-girl: We’re so proud of you and know God has some beautiful plans for your life! We let go, we trust you, we trust God to take care of you and guide you. We will always be here for you and will ALWAYS cover you in prayer. Congratulations, Kimberly Ellen Klotz! WOO!!

Grandma came to see me

Last night I dreamed I was at some meeting or seminar with my boss and his wife, Cindy. Each morning of this seemingly week-long meeting, my grandmother (who died over a year and a half ago) came to see me, gave me a hug, said some encouraging cheerful words and left. On the last day of the meeting (somehow I knew this in my dream) I realized it was also the last time she was coming to see me. I sat with my boss and his wife at a table, feeling a lump grow in my throat. Cindy asked me, “You’re going to really miss her aren’t you?” I began to cry, not able to hold it back anymore. I awoke and was actually crying a little on my pillow.

I do miss my Grandma. It’s funny how weeks will go by and I won’t think about it much, but then out of the blue a memory of her will surface or an odd, wonderful dream like this one and the pain of her not being there anymore bobs to the surface.

What will my daughters and hopefully grandchildren remember about me someday when I’m gone, not coming to see them anymore?

The first things that pop into my mind when I think of Grandma are her joy for life, her love for Jesus and openness in talking about him to anyone and everyone, her cheerfulness and often humorous enthusiasm, her smile, her loving pet names for us like “dolly”, and her faithful, tenacious love. I knew she was behind me 200% no matter what. She made sure of that.

So it doesn’t surprise me that she’d make a cameo appearance in one of my dreams to remind me how much she loves me. I look forward to the day when I’ll get to hug her again, kiss her soft cheek and see those twinkling Norwegian blue eyes. I won’t have to miss her anymore.

refocus, redirect, remember

I’m learning lots of lessons lately and have been thinking about them, trying to process them, mulling over them so they will sink in and take root in my heart.  Here are two that God’s been bringing me through this week:

Lesson #1:  Contentment.  True contentment in God.  How many times have I said or sung that God is all I need?  Many, many times.  When it comes down to possibly never buying a house or having some material things that before seemed like “givens” in life, however, does my heart change its tune?  Can I hold onto that claim when my paradigm is shifting?  Just because I’ve always thought something doesn’t necessarily make it true or necessary, I’m learning.  It’s been time for me to put my money where my mouth is in regard to relying on God and being content with just Him and what He provides.  We may not be able to buy a house for a year or so, or several years due to the situation we find ourselves in.  Does that matter?  Really?  Continue reading

I love free stuff

I’ve been watching it for the past few weeks:  a new gas station going up on the corner where I turn to go to work every day.   Now, I’m not thinking of buying gas there, although I probably will, but I’m wondering what type of soda fountain they’ll have.  You know, I have to stake out all the best diet coke stops along any path I take more than once so I’ll be prepared.

I saw a “Now Open” sign as I drove up today so I stopped in.  There were lots of great soda choices – including caffeine free Diet Coke!  Obviously the one running this new establishment has good taste.  I filled up my cup, sauntered around the place just for fun, checking out their price for 5 gum (another favorite of mine), then went to the cashier.  She asked if I had a Crystal Flash reward free-signcard.  “Why no, I don’t” I replied.  “Well then, fill this out and take this,” she said as she handed me this tiny card to put on my key chain.  “And,” she added, smiling, “since you’re signing up for the card today your drink is free.”  Cha-ching!  Bonus!

What a fun way to start the day.  Isn’t it fun to get something for free, especially when you weren’t expecting it?  Continue reading

Another chance

As we sat outside Starbucks on the patio, enjoying the sunshine and cool breeze, we laughed and laughed.  Rather than feeling awkward like I feared it might be, I was actually completely at ease and felt like I did the last time I got to be with these friends.  “How long has it been?” we asked each other.  “16 years?  That doesn’t seem possible!”   We took turns catching each other up, going back to 16 years ago and giving the nutshell version of life for us since then.  So much has happened since we lost touch with each other – much blessing, much hurt and growing.

I actually didn’t think this day would ever happen.  The friends I’m talking about were very close and dear friends to John and I when we were first married.  We shared community and prayer like never before with them and several other couples in our first small group experience.  We spent lots of time together, talking, laughing, walking, praying, sharing.  A few years into this great friendship, John and I moved to Florida to work in a church there.  Coming back to visit one summer was fun, but already felt a little different.  You know how things change in a relationship when you’re not able to spend much time together.  You tell yourself that it will probably never be quite like it was.

God began leading us different ways, as if I saw my special friend and her husband walking farther and farther away from me until I couldn’t see them at all.   Life has a way of becoming so busy that unless we’re really intentional about staying in touch with people, it just doesn’t happen.  We lost touch.  Continue reading

Hopeful Reminder

When I got a cancer diagnosis more than 5 years ago, my dad sent me this poem.  I’ll never forget sitting at my computer that morning reading it and how it renewed my hope. Sometimes we just need a gentle reminder of what is true and what is not.  Fear can distort perspective big time! I post this today in honor of my many friends who have fought cancer – many of whom have beat it and are living strong today.  I also post it in honor of my friend’s Aunt who is facing cancer now.

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit. – anonymous

Whatever you’re facing, no matter how ominous or threatening it may seem, know that it can’t keep you from or remove you from God’s love.

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”            Romans 8:35-39 NLT

21 years and counting

21 years ago today I stood in a beautiful dress, in a sun-filled sanctuary, with many happy faces watching – facing the man I knew God had chosen for me.  We confidently and happily vowed faithfulness and love to one another and as a couple, to God.  We walked out of that room as husband and wife.  It was a beautiful, sunny April day.  Surrounded by many friends and family members, we celebrated what God had given us.

There have been lots of joyful times along the way.  Lots of good memories.  Lots of laughter and blessings.  There have also been lots of challenges, troubles, obstacles, and “opportunities for growth” individually and as a couple.

Before we were married, John felt a call from God to serve full-time in ministry.  As we made our way through the years of seminary, working extra jobs, raising 3 little girls, barely making it by, and then starting our first pastorate in New Mexico, I realized God was calling me too.  He called me to stand beside John, to serve alongside Him, to use my gifts to enhance whatever John was doing.  I don’t feel like it was an accident – it was on purpose.  The call to be a pastor’s wife is real – it’s not just a role you accidentally fall into.

We’ve faced a lot together and I know there will be more in the future that requires us to pull together rather than apart, to lean on each other and on God, to pray, to wait, to be there for each other.  All of the fearful times, the sad times, the disappointing and discouraging times, dumb decisions and better ones, misunderstandings and making up times, waiting and trusting times have deepened our love for each other and strengthened us.  I wouldn’t want to face it with anyone else.  I’m so glad God gave me John.

So here’s to 21 years, Honey, and to many more.

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