My hope is in God

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It’s dark and blustery outside.  I think a storm is blowing in, and I love to be inside, cozy and dry, and hear it raining and gusting outside.  The room is dimly lit by the computer screen and warm glow of the desk lamp.  There’s no sound except the very quiet humming of my Mac, and an occasional clunk or clank or the jeans in the dryer downstairs.  My head is pounding, partly from tiredness, partly from the way I have to tilt my head a little these days when looking at the computer screen (blast these older eyes).

God spoke to me tonight.  He broke through the cacophony in my brain, the pressing to-do list that always seems to be scrolling through my mind like the moving lights of a marquee.  While reading some wise words from a friend’s blog, realization struck and pent-up tears spilled out.  Quick aside: my nature always wants to know what’s going to happen, always strives for harmony and good endings, and always wants to be a part of that happening.  In other words, I have control issues.

Okay, back to God speaking to me.  I say all the time to those around me how I try to replace fear with faith, how I trust God to care for my loved ones (more specifically, my daughters).  I have been trying to let go, but realize my subconscious keeps going back to trying to control the decisions and actions of someone I love (which is silly, of course, because the only one I can control is myself and even then I don’t bat 1000).

My friend shared, in the blog post I read, that instead of obsessing or focusing on my hope for my daughter to make choices I think are good, or to grow closer to Jesus, I need to just let go.  Being so concerned about it, letting my thoughts of her and even prayers for her occupy so much of my energy can be a problem.  It can become an idol, distracting me and keeping me from hoping in GOD, from my personal closeness to Him.

My job is at this point is to just love her unconditionally.  When I shared this with John, he said, “That’s what God does with us.”  He doesn’t force us to choose one way or another, He just keeps loving us.  I know He hopes we will choose wisely and choose His way, but He lets us choose and just loves.

Like my sister has said to me often, I can’t live my daughter’s life.  She is living it.  But I need to live my life!  I need to keep my hope in Jesus, to keep seeking after Him with all my heart, to get as close to Him as I possibly can and stay there.

I will still pray for my girls, of course!  I can still hope my daughters will choose love, will choose God’s way, will make healthy choices, but I have to let go and let them choose.  God will help and guide them, as they let Him.  My hope is really in Him.

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him. – Psalm 62:5

The blog I referenced is “Hope for Hurting Parents” by Dena Yohe

Me and Moses

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I have an opportunity to speak to a group of women in a few weeks, during a spiritual retreat.  When first asked, I was honored, surprised, and then anxious.  I said I would pray about it and I did.  I also asked my mom and sister for feedback/advice, reminding them that I was not a preacher or speaker.  My mom was very encouraging as mommies are.  My sis, whom God often uses to convict me, sent me a Bible verse:

Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”  – Exodus 4:10-11

I replied to my sister with a “thank you very much” and accepted the task.  Of course, if you read on in that chapter of Exodus, God sends Moses’ brother Aaron to help do the talking.  I should remind my sister, Jodi, about that part!

If I think of it as a time to teach other people, I immediately feel Continue reading →

Participate

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It seems the times in worship at church when we’ve offered people the chance to get up out of their seats and interact somehow with the prayer time, communion, or other part of the service, we hear much more of how God moved them, blessed them, or impacted them.

It seems that sitting and listening, though important, isn’t as effective in moving our hearts as actually moving our bodies and getting involved.  Maybe it’s because when you’re moving, your choosing to enter more personally and/or deeply into what is happening.  It’s intentional and involves more of you.

Life is that way, too, right?  How much more do we get out of it when we get involved? When we get out of our chairs and be with people, or go somewhere, or try something we haven’t tried before?

What do you think?

Praying in Color

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I bought a book recently that intrigued me and I love it.  It’s titled Praying in Color by Sybil Macbeth.1  In it, she describes a new way to pray, by drawing and/or doodling.  To some it may sound silly, but I tried it for the first time this morning and it was wonderful.

I’m sure you already know there are all sorts of learners: visual, auditory and kinetic/moving being the three main styles.  Some people learn best Continue reading →

I just want to be where You are

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I woke with a song in my head this morning, a song we sang in church quite a while ago.   The words of the chorus say,

I just want to be where You are,
dwelling daily in Your presence
I don’t want to worship from afar,
draw me near to where You are

I just want to be where You are,
in Your dwelling place forever
Take me to the place where You are,
I just want to be with You.              (by Don Moen)

I haven’t heard that song or thought of it for such a long time but my heart rummaged around and found it in the back of my mind, then started singing without me before I even woke up.

I got up and went outside to my favorite spot on the porch and sat down.  “Here I am, Lord” I prayed again.  Immediately I heard in my heart, “I see you and already know you’re here with me, because I was with you as you slept and watched, waiting for you to wake.  I always know where you are and I’m always with you.”

I realized, as I have before (but you know how I have to be reminded things), that quiet time with God is not going somewhere to be with Him because He’s always with me, but it’s going somewhere to be with only Him.  It’s drawing myself apart from distractions and other people, saying with that action “I love you, God, and want to be with just You right now.”

My devotional echoed what God had told me, that nothing can separate me from His loving presence.  Nothing.  And, since I have absolutely no control over the things that happen in my life or in the lives of those I love, I can just trust Him and relax in His presence all throughout my day.

What greater thing do I have to be thankful for than that?!  Thank you, Papa, for your presence with me always.  Help me to remember that, to be more aware of You, to be tuned more finely to Your voice and Spirit.  Thank you for loving me.  I always just want to be where You are.

I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me….

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me.   –  Psalm 139:7-10, 17-18

I’m trying

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I started out for a walk this morning, camera and iPod in hand, but the little clouds of gnats everywhere eventually convinced me to head back to the house and try again later.  Instead, I sat on my parent’s porch in my new favorite spot, watching the busy flurry of birds at dad’s feeders and listening to their many different calls, along with the far-off mooing of a cow.

“I’m trying, God,” I prayed, “I’m trying to just be still and be with you.”  My thoughts started wandering to the things we did yesterday, my girls, the future, the things we’re planning to do today and so on.  I was frustrated with myself.  “I’m trying to just be still, God.  I’m here.”  It almost felt like he said, “What are you expecting to happen?”

“Well, I would love for you to help me stop thinking and just be.  I would love for you to tell me things.  I would love to feel your presence, feel closer to you.  I want to know you better, Papa, be closer to you.”   The quiet sound of the morning crickets and the busy birds continued.  Then I looked past the birds and saw the mountains behind, far off across the valley.  They are bluish-purple this morning with a crown of fluffy clouds resting on top, the sun lighting up patches here and there among cloud shadows.

A song came to mind, the words taken from Psalm 121.

“I lift my eyes to the hills, and I wonder, ‘from where comes my help?’
My help, it comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let you stumble, He will not let you fall,
The Lord is your keeper.
The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon at night,
The Lord will guard your life.”

Maybe sometimes it’s not the receiving of an amazing message from God that draws us close, maybe sometimes it’s just sitting there available.  Maybe it’s just remembering that He is my Maker, He is my Keeper, and enjoying the peace of that thought and truth.  He is with me, whether I hear his voice in my heart at this moment or not, whether I feel the emotional warmth of his nearness or not.  He is near.

I pictured Jesus sitting next to me and longed for Him to actually be there so I could lean against Him.

“I’m trying, God.  I want to be near You.  I want to hear Your voice.”

Vacation, what a wonderful word

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My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” Psalm 27:8

We left early yesterday morning for the airport and had smooth flights all the way to Tucson, Arizona, where my parents were waiting with big grins and open arms at baggage claim. It was sunny and hot as we walked to the car, just like I love it, and I was pinching myself.  Mom and I started yakking from the moment we hugged and hadn’t stopped yet.   Continue reading →

Everyone join in

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Summer morning breeze
Busy, round, fuzzy bumblebee
Hungry chirping baby birds
Deep purple and golden-yellow pansies with faces tilted up to the sun
Yellow-green leaves rustling
Pesky chipmunks scurrying, digging and munching
Giant cotton ball clouds lazily floating
and me.

Join in and praise God who made you!

Bless God, all creatures, wherever you are— 
      everything and everyone made by God.

   And you, O my soul, bless God!  Psalm 103:22  The Message

That’s the plan

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Let God be the planner.  That’s it.  Sounds easy but not really!  Not for control freaks anyway.

I come up with all sorts of ideas and plans, many of which I take to Him, kind of like a worker approaching a supervisor, holding up a clipboard.  “See? this is why my plan is a good one and why You should make it happen,” said the Mimi wearing her “Holy Spirit Jr.” hat.  I usually do have lots of good reasons, seriously.  But God always has the best plan.

I don’t always understand it or the way things turn out sometimes.  I do believe, with all my heart, that He keeps His promise of working good out of every situation for the one who loves Him and follows Him.  (Romans chapter 8 – awesome truth!)

It appears God will have to remind me a number of times (make that a very large number) that my focus should be drawing near to Him and dwelling in His presence.  It’s very simple, but I forget just about every other day.  I keep reverting back to planning and trying to fix and contemplating tomorrow with furrowed brow.  Meanwhile, this day is passing by and I am missing some blessings and/or opportunities that He planned for me.

My goal is to spend time every morning just being with Him.  I read my devotions and Bible verses but I need to spend more time just being, just listening, just loving, just pondering, just keeping my mouth shut and my mind open to Him.  I need to spend more time trying to learn who He is, looking for Him in the moments that are flowing by me, like water in a stream flows around the rocks.

Do you struggle with the doing vs. being battle like I do?  Walking closely with Jesus so that I can follow each move and hear each word He says – that’s my only plan.  He’ll take care of the rest.

The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
    for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.  Psalm 138:8

Remembering Flo

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Today would have been my Grandma Neal’s 90th birthday.  Five years ago, on a December day in Columbus, Ohio, grandma was on her way to her second Christmas party gathering of the day, blacked out while driving and drove off the road.  By the time the ambulance got her to the hospital, she had already gone to be with Jesus.

My mom and her brothers are going to celebrate her today, scattering her ashes (what remains of her earthly “shell”) at the foot of “her mountain” in Huachuca City, Arizona. Grandma used to live out there in the Sierra Vista valley surrounded by desert hills and it’s the perfect resting place.  She would have loved knowing they are doing that today, and that they’re doing it together.

I miss her.  As I’ve thought about her this week, a fresh sadness at her absence in our lives has washed over me.  There was so much good about my grandmother, who wasn’t perfect of course, but was a vibrant, genuine, extremely loving woman of God.

I miss her impassioned voice when she prayed to Jesus, whom she loved more than anything or anyone.  I miss hearing her cheerful voice and laughter and seeing her make strangers into friends at the grocery, the bank, restaurants and even at the door of her apartment, inviting the pizza delivery boy to church.

I remember so many things, so many good memories are swirling around in my heart today.  One that stands out is how, following my mastectomy, my mom and grandma came to take care of me and help John with the house and the girls.  After mom left, grandma stayed longer and watched over me, brought me my meals, told me to take naps, sat with me and talked, prayed with me, and folded laundry while I sat on the couch.  It was a precious time and it was the way she loved people the best.

Grandma was a hands on person, she showed her love by serving.  For a time she worked in the V.A. hospital treating old soldiers with respect, cheering them up with her ever-present smile, washing their old tired bodies and keeping them comfortable.  For years she watched over and took tirelessly care of my grandfather when he was battling Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.  I remember one time she went over to my other grandmother’s house, Grandma Shultz was wheelchair bound at the time, and gave her a decent bath.  Humility and love was wrapped up in her tall, fair-skinned, Norwegian body.

She made friends with her neighbors, no matter what nationality.  At her last apartment complex she had befriended several Indian families and had them over for dinner, took them jello salads, and enjoyed dinner in their homes.

She was acting out her love for Jesus by loving people.  She did it well.  I want to be more like her.  I love her so much, still, and miss her so much today my heart aches.

When her ashes are scattered it will be meaningful and special, but Grandma isn’t in those ashes.  She’s with God in heaven.  If Grandma had her way she’d be surrounded by cute little white doggies, lots of flowers and maybe even a concrete donkey or set of frogs on a love seat in her heavenly garden.  I can imagine her sitting at the foot of a mountain with Jesus, smiling and talking with Him, praying still for her children and their children to know Him.

I remember you, Grandma Neal, and I love you!  Someday I’ll sit with you there.