Tag Archives: anxiety

Lift Your Feet

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Have you noticed at times a specific theme is repeating in your heart and life, a lesson that God is really wanting you to grasp? Or maybe He gives you a word for a time to keep in mind, to motivate and center yourself. Two themes that kept coming to mind for me in the last few years are “Hold loosely the things of this life” and “Lift your feet.” That second one might sound funny so let me describe the imagery that came with the words.

Imagine you are in the middle of a wide, swiftly moving river and you can just touch the bottom with your feet. When you try to walk through the water it rushes around your body and legs so you lean forward to try and make headway. It’s slow going for you, especially if you lose your footing and get pushed back. Depending on how far you want to go, it will get pretty tiring. The current is so strong that if you were to lower yourself into the water and lift your feet, the water would carry you along for miles.

So often, while trying to keep control of things it feels like I’m trying to run through chest-high water that’s surging in the other direction. And at times it even seems like the river is getting wider as I go so that I’m not any closer to reaching the edge than when I started. I wear myself out, anxiety rising like water up to my chin because I believe I have to figure out solutions or fix situations that are beyond my limited strength, wisdom, knowledge, or perspective. I guess the most basic description of this mindset is forgetting that God is in control and I am not (and don’t have to be!).

I believe God was telling me, and still does, to stop striving against the flow and lift my feet. I need to surrender to the current of the river of his Holy Spirit and go where He takes me. Of course, this requires trusting that He is good and cares about me and won’t send me plunging over the edge of Niagara Falls!

Jesus said that if we’re weary, we should come to Him. He will give us rest and help bear the burdens (Matthew 11:28). He also said not to worry about tomorrow but to trust God as our loving Father who cares about us (Matt. 6:25-34). He said that the Holy Spirit would be with us, guiding, teaching, strengthening and comforting us (John 14:15-17, 26). The most wonderful promise is that He will be with us until the end of time (Matt. 28:20).

Maybe He’s saying these kinds of things to you right now, “Stop struggling. The current is my Spirit. I’ve got you. I won’t ever leave you to drift or drown. Lean back, float, rest. You can let go. I love you. Lift your feet.”

“Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for GOD’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all.” – Proverbs 3:5-6 The Message paraphrase

Got hope?

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I don’t think anyone would argue with me when I say the inhabitants of this world are weary and in need of hope. All throughout the history of mankind it has been that way since the very beginning when people decided to pick their way over God’s way and God let them.

I believe there is still hope to be had. And that’s not just me being optimistic. (although I am pretty optimistic and can be annoyingly so)

Psalms 130: 6 says, “I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning.” I have long thought that verse meant that the watchmen were tired and eager for their shift to end, so they were watching for the sun to finally peek it’s welcome glowing face over the horizon so they could clock out and go home. Recently I heard another perspective: they watch for the sun to rise because every day the sun rises. They are watching and waiting for it to happen because they know it’s going to happen. They can count on it.

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This is me

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Don’t compare your real everyday life with someone else’s highlight reel. That’s good advice I heard once about social media. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can be comparison traps. What most of us post are the good moments, the vacation photos, the happy birthday group shots, the days off, the kids graduating or performing or doing something cute. We don’t usually post the flat tires, the grumpy days at work, the late payment credit card statements, the cat’s poop on the carpet, or pics of our kids in time-out in tears with angry faces.

It’s easy for us to forget that other people are posting their best stuff and envy can start creeping in as we scroll through picture after picture, post after post. We become discontented with our own lives and fall into the mucky muck of self-pity.  Not that I’ve ever done this, of course!

My username on Twitter is “therealmimi” (“realmimi” on Instagram) and I want to be that. I strive for transparency and honesty but am also a positive person by nature. I also want to encourage so I try to post upbeat things, Bible verses that help me, hopeful, fun stuff. Some people have gotten the impression, from time to time, that I have it all together because of this, that I don’t struggle, that I’m handling everything in my life with grace all the time.

Welllllll….not so! I was talking with a dear friend yesterday about this very thing. I was telling her I wish I would’ve created my blog to be anonymous so I could really post about anything, be completely honest in my sharing about all parts of my life. As it is, I feel like I have to hold back, I feel the need to be careful what I say because I’m a pastor’s wife and several in my church family read my posts.  I’m a mother of young adults but my daughters might read my posts. I don’t want to ever hurt any of those people by my open sharing.

At the same time, I really don’t want people getting the idea that I’m positive all the time, that I always have hope, that I always look at the bright side, that I’m always walking closely with Jesus.

I’m an emotional person and have my share of sadness, anger, impatience (especially when driving!), self-centeredness, selfishness, and even depression and sometimes overwhelming anxiety.  When people imply or suggest that I don’t feel those things or don’t go through hard stuff, it actually can make me angry. “I’m the same as anyone else!” I want to shout, stamping my foot with hands on my hips. I think it’s because if someone pictures me as less troubled than the ordinary person, or more “spiritual,” or always happy, it takes away my relatability, it separates me and makes me feel isolated.

There is no closeness between friends who aren’t real with each other. There is no deep connection without transparency. There is no relating to someone you sense has no issues or problems. And I want to relate, I want to connect, I want to encourage by sharing from my truest self.

I believe one of my callings from God is to encourage people. I also believe it’s to help others feel less alone. I believe that in orer to do that, I have to be real.

How about you? What would you need to change in your interactions with people, and even on social media, to be more real? I’m not going to post pics of my cat pooping where she’s not supposed to, but it happens. How’s that for starters?

 

Just a little freak out

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The wedding is less than four months away! It’s so exciting, but it’s less than four months away! Krissy just joined the soccer team and there are shoes, uniforms and various other soccer “stuff” she needs.  The van, good ol’ “Nugget”, is making a weird noise but it usually does so I’m ignoring that.  We’re paying off the much-needed tonsillectomy and the associated bills that go along with that.  I think I should go into anesthesiology, I’m in the wrong business.  (Thank you, Lord for health insurance, though)  The cats need to go to the vet…someday.  But really, they’re in excellent health right now and what do they have to complain about?  Woops, don’t forget the sports physical, orthotics, and a few other things that will need taking care of before long.  The girls will need more boxes of contact lenses soon, too.  While thinking (stressing) about all of these things, I became aware that Krissy will also need a car to carry out the summer job she’s hoping to have of being nanny for my brother’s kids in Alabama.  How are we going to get a car?  That’s only a few months away!

I had to go to the bedroom and shut the door.  On my knees, I cried for a while.  The awareness that our resources are falling waaaaay short of meeting obligations or needs gets to me.  I needed to vent some pent-up emotion anyway and it seemed a good moment for a freak out.  At least I was freaking out to God and not just by myself, rocking with my knees hugged to my chest in a corner somewhere.  Right?

It felt good to just let it out – all that pressure.  I know everyone faces situations like this.  Life tends to be that way: obligations, needed repairs, medical bills, special life events, and so forth seem to pile up in groups, multiply, and avalanche down on top of us – like the old adage “when it rains, it pours.”  I was feeling a little smushed under the pile up.

And really, we are so blessed, with so much to be thankful for.

God brought to my mind a conversation my sister and I had just earlier that day, before the “we need another car” moment.  We were talking about how God was in control, how He was good at details, how we could dream big and trust Him.  God also lovingly poked me in the ribs and reminded me of the scripture I had read just that morning from Mark 4, about the disciples’ freak out during a bad storm at sea.

Their boat was actually starting to sink from the rocking waves and sloshing water, but Jesus remained asleep at the back of the boat (which is impressive considering how bad the storm was).  They got to the tipping point, where they couldn’t take it any more, and shook him shouting “We’re gonna drown!  We’re gonna drown!  Do something, Jesus!  I can’t swim! Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!”  Okay, that’s a little paraphrase there, but I bet that’s how they felt!

Jesus woke, stood up, told the wind and waves to stop it and then asked the disciples, who stood there dripping and astonished, “Why were you afraid?  Why didn’t you have faith?”

That seems a little harsh to me.  I mean, their boat was beginning to sink and it seemed Jesus didn’t care or wasn’t aware.  That would most definitely be an “afraid” moment.  It seems the fact that He was there with them was supposed to be enough.

He did stop the storm, none of them drowned, and all was well.  He did care.

So, on my knees, crying and blowing my nose into multiple tissues, having a little freak out I prayed, “How are we going to do all of this, God?  And with what?!  I have run out of ideas.  We need your help!  Aaaaahhh!”  My little boat was filling up with water and it felt like God was sleeping at the back.

It helped to be honest with Him and then remember that if I don’t have what I need, God does.  He is with me and even if my boat DOES sink, He is with me.  He will take care of us.  He will make a way.  He has unlimited resources and can even tell the wind and waves and anxiety to stop it.

I felt peace the next morning while I read some more in Mark (ch. 6), when Jesus’ disciples once again were perplexed.  There was an enormous hungry crowd of thousands lingering after listening to Jesus teach all day. Jesus had just instructed the disciples to feed them.  “How will we do that?!” they asked, probably with deer-in-the-headlights expressions on their tired faces.  Jesus said, “Bring me what you have.”  They found a boy with a sack lunch and gave it to Jesus.  Jesus then did what He always does: provided, worked a miracle, proved able and faithful again.

God has been saying to me (and to John), “bring me what you have.”  I know He will do the rest.  He is already doing it.  Things get taken care of and resources arise that I had no way of orchestrating.  The best part is the peace that comes when I remember to trust Him, no matter what.  Not even a little freaking out.

That evening, Jesus said to his followers, “Let’s go across the lake.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him in the boat just as he was. There were also other boats with them. 37 A very strong wind came up on the lake. The waves came over the sides and into the boat so that it was already full of water. 38 Jesus was at the back of the boat, sleeping with his head on a cushion. His followers woke him and said, “Teacher, don’t you care that we are drowning!”

39 Jesus stood up and commanded the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind stopped, and it became completely calm.

40 Jesus said to his followers, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”  Mark 4:35-40 NCV

Late in the afternoon his disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. 36 Send the crowds away so they can go to the nearby farms and villages and buy something to eat.”

37 But Jesus said, “You feed them.”

“With what?” they asked. “We’d have to work for months to earn enough money[g] to buy food for all these people!”

38 “How much bread do you have?” he asked. “Go and find out.”

They came back and reported, “We have five loaves of bread and two fish.”

39 Then Jesus told the disciples to have the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they sat down in groups of fifty or a hundred.

41 Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. He also divided the fish for everyone to share. 42 They all ate as much as they wanted, 43 and afterward, the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftover bread and fish. 44 A total of 5,000 men and their families were fed from those loaves!  Mark 6:35-44 NLT

He was there

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I got my diagnosis on my mom’s birthday.  That just doesn’t seem right does it?  My surgery was that Friday, only five days later.  What a whirlwind week it was.  My parents dropped everything and drove to St. Louis to be with us, even though my dad was a pastor with a busy schedule.  I don’t remember how many days I had to stay in the hospital, I think only two.  I just remember with clarity an early morning blood draw to check my white cell count to see if I could go home.

Shortly after the lab tech left the room, my dad walked in.  He was carrying his garment bag and told me he was about to go back home but wanted to come see me first.  While he was with me, my surgeon, Dr. Billy, came in to tell me that my levels were low and I was going to have to stay longer in the hospital.  My heart sunk into a fearful thought that there might be more cancer.  Then Dr. Billy noticed they had drawn blood out of the arm that had an IV and it had diluted the blood sample.  He had them come back in and draw from my other arm, it was okay, and I was able to go home!

It may not sound like a big deal, but it helped so much that my dad was there.  I didn’t have to be alone through that brief unsettling moment.  He was thinking of me that morning and wanted me to know.  He was there because he loves me.  What did I do to get my dad to love me? Continue reading →

Get out of my way, I can’t see!

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It happens every once in a while:  something I’m concerned about grows so large within me it swallows me up and leaves me feeling trapped in stomach-churning anxiety.  I know I should trust God, I know He’s good, I know He’s in control, I know He can handle anything.  It’s just that sometimes these concerns get in the way and I can’t see God.

It happened on Saturday.  I was at my parents’ home for the weekend, helping my mom pack up.  They’ll be moving to Arizona soon for their retirement and couldn’t be more excited.  It was so good to spend time with them.  For some reason on Saturday I started thinking again about the extreme tightness of my family’s budget right now and that it’s likely to be that way for some time because of our circumstance and I couldn’t even eat the yummy double-cheeseburger my dad had brought me.  I think the grinding sound my brakes made on my trip over and the idea of another car repair bill got it all stirred up this time.  Continue reading →

The Blahs vs Mimi

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POTM_2008_03WinterBlahsThe last few nights I’ve slept restlessly.  I don’t know if it’s because our mattress is on the floor right now (we threw out our box springs in the bed bug fiasco this summer), if I’m thinking about a lot of things, or what.

I think it’s the latter of those:  lots of things on my mind.  Maybe if I type them out I’ll feel better.  Sure – why not unload them on you?  Just kidding.  If you don’t mind “listening” here goes:

Almost two years ago when we moved into our townhouse we were following the Dave Ramsey plan religiously.  It was hard but we actually had “financial peace” because we were saving little bits for the things ahead, we were using cash for purchases and basically living within our means.  Well we gradually floated away from those strict guidelines and so now are scrambling to get back to that financially peaceful state.  Pile on a few more expenses and concerns and the trip back is becoming a little more taxing and stressful for me.  Kimmi’s going to college next week, our short-term tenants are moving out of our Hazelwood house next week, we’ve had those unexpected repairs and other expenses that always turn up so now the savings is back to square one (zero), and it goes on.  This is not unlike so many others, though, I know that!  I also know God’s always provided for us.  Why is it, then, that in the meantime I allow myself to get so anxious?  I’m not trusting fully today.  I’m also kicking myself for not sticking with the plan – we would be better off at this point.  The guilt is pretty heavy – as this is a subject I struggle with all the time!

It’s just one of those days – I feel emotional and quiet.  Quiet is okay.  Emotions are okay but I am asking God to settle me down.  I want His amazing peace, like a hot towel fresh out of the dryer wrapped around me to ease the chill of guilt, pressure, and uncertainty.  I remember one of my life verses in Philippians 4 and recall the well-known and wonderful advice from Paul to lay my needs before God, be thankful, and know He’ll take care of me and my family.  Oh – and rejoicing.  How do you rejoice when you feel down and emotional?  That’s a puzzler.  If I intentionally think about how good God is, how He blesses, try to think above earthly/material things and rise up to an eternal perspective it gets easier.  Rejoicing doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re jumping up and down with a big smile on your face like a middle school cheerleader.  The word rejoice means “to be glad about”.  I can be glad in many things and remember that even if all I had – ALL I had – was God, I would have enough and I could be glad.  Well I DO have God!  I have more than enough in my life…and I AM glad.

Thanks for “listening”.

I know the Lord is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.   Psalm 16:8-9  NLT

Not so Desirable Front Row Seat

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harry-potter-poster_330x508It seems almost everyone is talking about the new Harry Potter movie, “The Half-Blood Prince” based on J.K. Rowling’s sixth book in the series.  I’ve read all the books and as usual, I think the book is so much better.  The movie is entertaining, for sure, but so much had to be left out and several liberties taken with original story.  [SPOILER WARNING – if you haven’t read the book or seen the movie yet and plan to, don’t read on]

At the end of the story, Death Eaters (the bad guys) have made their way into the previously secure school Hogwarts.  Draco, a student who has become a death eater, has been charged by the dark lord, Voldemort, with the task of killing the head master, Dumbledore.  He’s made several feeble attempts that failed but now has found Dumbledore in a tower (Harry & Dumbledore had just returned from a dangerous quest in another place) and stands with his wand pointed at him, poised to kill.  In the movie, before Draco gets there, Dumbledore tells Harry to run and get a professor and not to come back up to the tower under any circumstances.  Harry starts downstairs but then, hearing what’s happening, stays a floor underneath watching and listening.  He doesn’t run back up to help Dumbledore because He gave his word not to.

In the book, Harry turns to go get the professor and hears Draco come up to the tower where they are.  Before he can turn to say anything or help, Dumbledore wordlessly casts a spell that immobilizes him.  Harry stands under his invisibility cloak, stiff as a statue, leaning up against the wall, an unwilling spectator, unable to move or speak.  Dumbledore talks Draco down so he almost gives up and gives in, but the other death eaters reach the tower including the professor Harry was supposed to fetch.  Harry watches with horror, powerless, as the professor who was supposed to help actually raises his wand pointed at Dumbledore Continue reading →