Humbled, happy heart

I sat there listening to her sing her heart in phrases and heard God talk to me, as well, “I’m showing you again that I have the power to influence this young lady’s heart.  I made her, you know.  I have planted more in her than you could dream of or design.  As precious as you are to me, you are not the author of this young one’s soul and faith.  I Am.”

Thank you, God, and forgive me for doubting, worrying or trying to orchestrate.  Thank you for hearing my deepest heart prayers for her (and for all my daughters) – that You would draw her near, that You would comfort her and give her the strength to surrender to you.   You can handle the angry cries, the stubborn thoughts, the questions and more.  You keep painting beauty over those things and then giving me glimpses of this tough and tender work of art that is my daughter.

How I’ve underestimated all my girls at times, in many ways.  Don’t let me do it any more.  Why would I think they are any less complicated, any less deep thinkers and ponderers, any less in tune with God than I am?  Why would I not think You talk to them the way You do me, that You relish every moment they sit with you, read Your word, sing songs to You?  I’m simply a few years farther down the path, but we’re on the same path following You, “I Am”, our incredible Savior and Creator.

We harmonized together on some familiar tunes and I was drawn into worship as I sat in sleepy comfort.  You were sitting right there, Jesus.  The only thing I can do is bow down in my heart, my thankful, peace-filled, humbled heart.

This song will hold more meaning for me from now on:

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you        (© Hillsong United)

Getting healthier after some turmoil last year when pastor left. Facility is really nice and new. Upward basketball – 200+ kids. Pretty good sense of mission, awareness of the need to be missional. Recently changed to a governance leadership structure – significant tool for next pastor.

 

Still some unresolved longstanding, systemic unhealthy conflict. Mortgage – income that comes in with which they pay the mortgage is usually about $4000 a month short. They use cash reserves right now from the sale of their old building to pay the shortfall but that won’t last forever. Still some division from the conflict last year that is healing but isn’t over.

Even more “beautiful”

Can you stand it?  More beautiful??  (3rd post in a row with “beautiful” in the title for those who wonder what the heck I’m talking about)

I’m thinking of a song I love tonight as I’ve been listening to God tell me that there’s no need to panic when those I love make choices I wouldn’t want them to make or seem to be struggling a little to “find their feet” on this path.  He is able and He is watching.  He’s never distracted or bewildered as to how to help them or draw them near.  He loves them, so much more than I do, which is hard for me to grasp when I feel it so deeply from my insides out.  Right now, though my first impulse was to talk and try to control I feel God telling me to be quiet, to watch and see.  I’m praying and trying to stay so close to Him so that I can hear whenever He prompts me to speak and help, but in the meantime I can almost see him wave his arms out in a flourish with a big smile and say “Watch what I can do!  Out of the ashes, out of blunders, out of missteps, I will bring beauty, healing, and wholeness.”  I’m watching, Papa.  Please handle with care.  You know how much she means to me.

Kaleidoscope

When I surrendered, all my thoughts, dreams, plans, expectations, hopes and even some beliefs fell as if the surface they were resting on was suddenly yanked out from underneath.  The ground below was hard and they shattered.  So many pieces lay in piles all jumbled up. What a mess! They had seemed so valuable – something to be desired – but now all was broken.

Before I could reach a state of panic or overwhelming sadness, I felt Jesus’ strong hand on my shoulder, silently telling me to just be still.  He stepped past me crouching there in my disappointment and scooped up all the fragments and shards in His hands.  Then he got up and turned away from me for a while as I nursed my wounds from wayward pieces that had cut me.  He worked without speaking.  The silence became so complete it almost smothered me as I sat waiting.  I didn’t know what He was doing, He seems to enjoy secrecy sometimes.  He didn’t even want my help, if you can imagine that.  Continue reading