Tag Archives: cancer

Let go, my soul

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I’ve been trusting in God since I was a little girl. I first heard Him and felt Him tug at my heart when I was very young. Back then, trust looked like listening to Bible stories, praying with my family, singing along in worship at church, listening and learning from my daddy’s sermons…childlike faith.  

As a teenager, I remember writing in my journal at night before bed, pouring out my heart to Jesus and reading my Bible to find guidance and encouragement.  Trust was me believing Jesus was my friend, my confidant, someone who would hold my heart through elation and heartbreak, crushes, questions, and insecurities.  I trusted in forgiveness when I did something stupid or messed up.

Through college and into adulthood, trust looked like seeking God with friends in Bible study and prayer, believing He had a plan for me, surrendering and saying “If you want me to be single all my life it’s okay,” then finding He had a special partner picked for me. 

John and I trusted God would help us know how to be parents.  Trust looked like depending on Him to provide even the most basic needs through lean times.  He once showed me I should trust Him as freely and without care as my little girls trusted us to take care of them.  

Sometimes trust in the young mom years looked like closing myself in the bathroom, near tears, telling God, “You said if we ask for wisdom you would give it. Well I need some right now!”  Trust was me believing God wouldn’t let me scar my children for life by mistakes I made.

At the sound of a cancer diagnosis, trust was something I was grasping for in desperation.  Do you believe I trust you, God, even though fear won’t seem to completely go away?  Does it mean my faith is lacking if I still feel anxious, if my heart trembles and hurts at the thought of not being here with my husband and girls anymore?  I can’t explain how, but God showed me clearly that He was just ahead on the path, around the bend, with hand reached back for me, making a way for me.  So I trusted Him.

There have been so many more faces of trust along the way, too many to recount here.

Trust. Critical foundation for any relationship. God has earned my trust and never broken it, though sometimes He has stretched my faith to the point I thought it would snap. When I’m fighting fear or the urge to try and orchestrate outcomes in my life or in the life of someone I love, I remember what He’s done in the past and consciously choose to trust Him.  Trust is a step out, a surrender of will and the demand to know. Trust is living in this day.

A recent favorite song says it this way, “Through it all, my eyes are on You. Throught it all, it is well. So, let go, my soul, and trust in Him. The wind and waves still know His name.” 1

In other words, God is the same as He was the last time He came through for me. His intentions and ability haven’t changed, His love as boundless as ever. He keeps His promises. He never leaves, though He will walk us through some pretty awful, dark places. 

So, let go, friend, of the need to know, of control, of wanting your way, of fears. Open hands and arms wide and feel freedom, like a bird taking flight into a steady supporting wind, floating and soaring.  You can trust God.

1 It Is Well by Kristene DiMarco, Bethel Music 

He was there

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I got my diagnosis on my mom’s birthday.  That just doesn’t seem right does it?  My surgery was that Friday, only five days later.  What a whirlwind week it was.  My parents dropped everything and drove to St. Louis to be with us, even though my dad was a pastor with a busy schedule.  I don’t remember how many days I had to stay in the hospital, I think only two.  I just remember with clarity an early morning blood draw to check my white cell count to see if I could go home.

Shortly after the lab tech left the room, my dad walked in.  He was carrying his garment bag and told me he was about to go back home but wanted to come see me first.  While he was with me, my surgeon, Dr. Billy, came in to tell me that my levels were low and I was going to have to stay longer in the hospital.  My heart sunk into a fearful thought that there might be more cancer.  Then Dr. Billy noticed they had drawn blood out of the arm that had an IV and it had diluted the blood sample.  He had them come back in and draw from my other arm, it was okay, and I was able to go home!

It may not sound like a big deal, but it helped so much that my dad was there.  I didn’t have to be alone through that brief unsettling moment.  He was thinking of me that morning and wanted me to know.  He was there because he loves me.  What did I do to get my dad to love me? Continue reading →

A time for tears

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For everything there is a season,
      a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
      A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
      A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
      A time to grieve and a time to dance.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Tears have many purposes and fulfill their purposes in countless different circumstances.  They mysteriously express for us the overflow of our hearts and somehow relieve pressure that has built up inside, whether gradual or sudden.

Saturday I was privileged to participate in the Race for the Cure again, this time walking with a new friend who is a new survivor.  Being a part of that day is always really interesting and often moving.  There are so many stories represented by the people walking.   Some are celebrating, some are mourning, some are rejoicing over beating the disease, some are proudly walking in memory of someone they loved who bravely fought but succumbed.  Many of them pin papers to the backs of their shirts that express their reason for walking:  “I walk in celebration of my mom, a 10 year survivor” or “I celebrate life” or “I walk in memory of my sister” and so on with hundreds of different messages and reasons.  One said “I celebrate ME.”  Glad to be alive, we are, all of us wearing those pink t-shirts.  This day always serves as a reminder of how blessed we are and always fills me with gratitude to God.  Tears filled my eyes as I silently spoke to God in my heart, “Thank you, God!  Thank you for sparing me and allowing me to live.”  Then there are questions that sometimes come, too, “Why was I so blessed to live?”  I don’t want to take one day for granted.

During an inspirational song at the beginning of the day, Continue reading →

True Identity

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While talking with a friend of mine who just finished 16 rounds of chemo I realized she still has a long road ahead of her before she can come out of the cancer woods.  She has a double mastectomy and hysterectomy in her future along with radiation, then probably reconstructive surgery.  Just hearing about it was a little overwhelming for me, so I’m sure it’s daunting to her at times, too.  She seems so peaceful, though.  She’s thankful to be alive.  She’s thankful for a good prognosis and the way her cancer responded to the chemo.  She told me confidently that cancer can take her hair, take parts of her that give her some of her femininity, make her sick and more, but it can’t take her soul.  Cancer can’t steal who she really is.

As I reminisced briefly with her about my mastectomy 7 years ago I realized that I still feel some hurt over the surgery changing my body, which is still a little lopsided and unnatural.  She is right and I needed to be reminded that my identity doesn’t lie in my physical appearance or health, Continue reading →

To my friend, you know who you are

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I don’t have any wise answers.

I don’t know what the outcome will be.

I do know how it feels like a surprise punch in the gut to receive bad news, or at least news we hoped would be different

I don’t plan on quoting lots of Scriptures to you.

I don’t plan on downplaying your emotions.

I do plan on standing with you and hopefully bolstering your strength.

Take my hand, we can even link arms like when we were kids and played Red Rover,

“Red rover, red rover, hey cancer come over

We’re ready for you

Me and my friend here

The one who’s not alone

In fact, if you look on the other side of her you’ll see some of our other friends linking up too, our line stretching and growing

In fact, if you look more closely you’ll see Jesus down there on the end.  He’s our anchor.

You’ll have a hard time knocking us over or breaking through.

There’s too much love on our side, God-given peace and strength you can’t understand or explain.  You might as well give up and go home.”

To the enemy, with the overwhelming love and tenacity building in my heart I almost feel I could take you on myself

To my friend, you know who you are

If you get tired or sad or afraid lean on me as I lean on Jesus.

Look!  There’s hope ahead.  Healing in ways only God can dream up and bestow.  Love and faith, freedom from fear.  Laughter and dare we say…joy.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can tear you away from God’s fiercely faithful and loving embrace.

Rest in that truth tonight, my sweet friend.  I asked God if every thought of you could be considered a prayer and He said “sure.”

I love you.

Shift

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It’s happened before, numerous times actually.  God shifts my gaze from myself and my so-called problems to Him.  Unfortunately, I seem to gradually rotate back to my old way of thinking and often need Him to turn me around again and again, back where I see only Him.

Last weekend he turned me around by letting me see a special friend who is in the midst of her fight against cancer.  I hadn’t seen her in person since her diagnosis and it moved me more than I expected.  Though she has lost her hair and we both look older, in her beautiful eyes I still saw the real her.  Love flooded through me and then shame for being so caught up and overwhelmed by my “problems.” Continue reading →

Fighter

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I’ve talked so much about Zumba class and how much I love it that my friends and family are probably tired of hearing it.  Let me just say that God brought it to me when I needed an outlet, some fun, some community, and of course some exercise.

Right now one of the songs we dance/exercise to is Christina Aguilera’s song “Fighter.”  We do some kickboxing during the chorus:

It makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Christina Aguilera “Fighter” ©2003

She’s singing about someone who cheated on her and did her wrong, but I when I hear those words I usually think of something I’m struggling with (or friends and family are facing) like temptation, feeling down, disappointment, challenges, etc.  Yesterday I was thinking about cancer.  Continue reading →

Good Pain

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One of the odd things about my breast cancer, when I discovered it almost 7 years ago, was that I had no symptoms other than the tiny lump I had found by pressing with my hand one morning.  I told my surgeon, puzzled, “But I don’t feel sick, I haven’t had any other problems.”  He said, “You wouldn’t at this point.  Cancer is simply new cell growth in a place where it’s not supposed to be.  So unless it had grown very large you wouldn’t otherwise know it was there.”  What a sneaky disease.  I’m so thankful I found it when I did.

No one wants to live with ongoing pain, although some unfortunately do.  It’s a bother.  It hurts.  It disrupts our usual way of life and keep us from doing the things we need to or want to do.  I believe it would actually be worse to live without it.  Continue reading →

Re: Ta-tas and such

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WARNING TO MALE READERS:  This post contains much estrogen-saturated material and may not be suitable for the male Psyche.  At the very least, a male reader may experience the WTMI (way too much information) effect after only a few lines.  Hey, I warned you.

A blog is for my thoughts and feelings, right?  And hey, this is my blog, so I’m going to blog about some personal stuff because it’s been on my mind so much the last few days.

It’s amazing how our self-image can be so tied up with our bodies.  I was born a “big-boned” girl and at the ripe old age of 9 months had rolls on my thighs that could cut off my parents’ finger circulation as they tried to change my diapers.  Puberty gave the thighs a come-back and I’ve been less than thrilled about the lower half of my body every since.  My sister and I used to joke that it would sure be nice if you could suck in your thighs like you suck in your belly.

I’ve heard there are two basic body shapes:  apples and pears.  I don’t know who came up with the fruit idea but it kind of makes sense if you look around you.  Apples have thin little legs, but tend to gain weight on top, either having round bellies or big chests.  Pears, like me, tend to be smaller on top but gain weight/hold weight in the lower half of the body more.  Invariably when I exercised more and watched what I ate more, my chest was the first to go.  Of all places I was NOT heavily endowed that was it, so the injustice stung all the more.   AND after breastfeeding all three of my girls, which I am so glad I did, what little I had became like deflated balloons or little empty tube socks.  I’m just sayin’.   Continue reading →

Hopeful Reminder

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When I got a cancer diagnosis more than 5 years ago, my dad sent me this poem.  I’ll never forget sitting at my computer that morning reading it and how it renewed my hope. Sometimes we just need a gentle reminder of what is true and what is not.  Fear can distort perspective big time! I post this today in honor of my many friends who have fought cancer – many of whom have beat it and are living strong today.  I also post it in honor of my friend’s Aunt who is facing cancer now.

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit. – anonymous

Whatever you’re facing, no matter how ominous or threatening it may seem, know that it can’t keep you from or remove you from God’s love.

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”            Romans 8:35-39 NLT