Tag Archives: daughter

The co-grandma adventure

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IMG_4177I’m a grandma. Yes, I say it proudly. I became one alongside my co-grandma, my son-in-law’s mom, Maureen.

We’ve been friends for a long time, becoming closer once our kids started dating.  In fact, after Kimmi and Nathanael’s first date, Maureen called me at work and when I answered the first thing she said was, “Is this the possible future mother-in-law of my son?” We laughed with hopeful hearts, and then with full-to-bursting hearts, we hugged at their wedding the next year.

We don’t communicate regularly but whenever we get together we have a wonderful time. I love her.

I got a call at work on a Thursday from my sweet first-born girl telling me she would be induced on Saturday. “I’ll be there!” I told her excitedly. Not long after, I got a text from Maureen in Indiana asking if I would pick her up on the way. Her husband Jim would be flying in later. What a great plan!

It was a spotless sunny day for me to drive from Illinois to grandma-hood. Maureen called when I was about 2 hours from her house asking if she had time to bake cookies. What a great idea! Cookies are always a good idea, especially Maureen’s cookies. I finally got to her house and hopped out of the car, got a big hug from my friend, put her things in the trunk (including freshly baked cookies) and we took off for Ohio.

The rest of the drive was much more fun. We talked and talked, about the baby, about our kids, about blessings and struggles of ministry life (Maureen is a pastor’s wife, too).  Once we arrived, a late night run to Cracker Barrell was in order due to Kimmi’s craving for biscuits and gravy, then the kids were off to the hospital to spend the night and Maureen and I settled in at their house.

The next morning after their greyhound, Danny was taken care of, we hopped in the car, found a Starbucks, found the hospital, delivered said Starbucks to Kimmi and Nathanael, and sat down in the room with them to wait.  Whenever it was time to check Kimmi’s progress, Maureen and I would step out in the hall, waiting for permission to come back in. The last time we stepped out it was time for Kimmi to start pushing.  The labor room was in a hallway with only three rooms and the other two were empty at this point.  The grandma plan was to stand outside the room, with a foot in the door to keep it slightly open like any respectable eavesdropper, in hopes of hearing the long-awaited miracle moment of Ezra’s birth and first cry.

Our hearts were beating fast and we leaned close to listen until we were interrupted by a nurse we hadn’t seen yet that day, who must have just come on shift. With a stern expression, she instructed us that it was hospital policy to not allow visitors to congregate in the hallway and that we would need to go out of the labor hallway and out to the waiting area. Reluctantly, begrudgingly, we obeyed. Maureen dubbed our new friend “Nurse Deitzel” as she had a militant, “keeping order” air down pat.

We sat alone in the waiting room down the hall…waiting. Maureen flipped absent-mindedly through a magazine, I messed around on my iPad.  I set it down to find a water fountain and as I was walking back, Maureen hopped up and said excitedly, “The lullaby! It’s playing! He’s here!”  (whenever a baby was born, Brahm’s lullaby was played over the speakers in the maternity ward.) I scrambled to my chair, “let me cover up my iPad real quick!” only to realize the song playing was from the game “Candy Crush.” Argh!  Crestfallen, we sat back down only to spring back up as Nathanael came through the doorway beaming, “He’s here!” Lots of hugs shared, he gave us the details so we could update family and friends who had been waiting with us and keep tabs through texts.

The moment finally came when we could walk, practically skip, back down the hallway and into the room to see Kimmi sitting up in bed, with her precious boy all wrapped up, lying still and quiet in mom’s arms. Yes! Finally! Praise God. So proud. So blessed. So happy I couldn’t even cry.

The grandmas went to pick up pizza and bring it back, only to pass “Nurse Deitzel” in the hallway. We smiled cheerily at her and marched right on to the room where our grandson was. No stopping us now!

The next day was all fun: Lots more getting Starbucks, food for lunch and dinner, holding Ezra, visiting with the new mom and dad…just being grandmas. I love this role.

Maureen had to leave Sunday. I stayed until Tuesday, so got to hold little Ezra John (EJ) his first night at home in between feedings so his Mommy (my beautiful daughter!) could hopefully sleep a little bit.  EJ and I slept on the couch – I will never forget that night. I was exhausted the next day driving home but also still riding the high of all this love.

EJ will never lack love and I often thank God that we share grandparenthood with Jim and Maureen, two of the best who love Jesus so much and love people so well. Dear friends. Fellow co-grandparent adventurers! And it’s just beginning.

(Ezra John will be two in September! I wrote this shortly after he was born and never posted it. Reminiscing brings it all back as if it were yesterday.)

Now what?

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Those who know me were surprised I hadn’t cried all day, but I was just too happy to cry.  Months of planning, texting with my daughter, buying supplies on the Internet and at Hobby Lobby (I should have a frequent flyer discount by now), and coordinating had culminated in this beautiful, family and friend-filled day.  We were gathered because of love, surrounded by love, and full of love, nearly to burst.   I kept telling myself to slow down and be in each moment because it began to speed by, as special days seem to do.

ImageI had one moment where I got really close to crying: when her daddy began to walk her into the dimly-lit, lovely auditorium and down the aisle.  Instead of tears, however, as I saw them come in I caught my breath and just stared at my absolutely beautiful grown-up girl beaming, walking toward her husband-to-be.   As I sat and watched the ceremony unfold, I asked God to interpret the songs in my heart because I just couldn’t find the words or even thoughts to express my gratitude and joy.  Blessed with a capital B, that’s what we are.

I enjoyed so much the time spent with Kimmi in those months before, texting, talking on the phone, meeting at times to shop and plan, brainstorming.  Then, even more fun were the days right before when we drove through Starbucks, then to the church to actually put into motion all we had prepared, with lots of family there to pitch in and help.  What a fun weekend – and everyone was able to come!  I told you…Blessed.

John, Krissy and I drove into our driveway the Sunday after, a little bedraggled but glad to be home. We unloaded the car and brought all the leftover supplies (including many jars!) into the house.  Once inside, I began to feel sad and kind of lost.  I asked John, “What will I do now that I don’t have the wedding to think about, plan for and work on?”  He chuckled and said, “Sit down and relax!”

As I’ve pondered that question these last few weeks, I realize that I poured so much of my heart, mind, wallet, and energy into the wedding and now it is past.  A new chapter has begun for Kimmi and Nathanael and even for us.  We’re in-laws now.  We’re parents of a married daughter!  How’s that for life change?  We may even be on the brink of “grandparenthood” in the next few years to come.  Whoa.  Don’t want to get ahead of myself.

Just as I poured so much of myself into the wedding, I realize some of my sadness was thinking of how I poured so much of myself into being a mom for my girls for so long and that chapter is closing/changing, too.  Our youngest graduated high school and moved out this summer to work in Alabama as a nanny for my brother’s children.

All of the sudden the house is pretty empty and I find myself asking, “what will I do now, God?”  Certainly I should be useful for something!  I’m not accustomed to this.  I’m used to being a hands-on mom, driving girls somewhere, shopping, being needed in close proximity and in person for hugs and heart-to-heart conversations.  I even relished in the everyday talking about friends, school, boys, etc.  Now things are long distance (not too long thankfully) and over the phone or texting or facebook.  Now they are out making their way as young adults and I’m watching them go, proudly but feeling a little lost.

John and I have time to get reacquainted in a way and grow closer together.  I’m so glad I have him in my life.  For some reason he doesn’t feel as melancholy as I do.  Must be a mom thing.

I’m asking God to help me find my place now, to settle into whatever role he has for me.  I have no idea what that is.  He keeps reminding me that I don’t have to figure everything out or make the plan, I just need to trust Him.  He has poured Himself into my life as long as I can remember.

So, here’s to rolling with these changes and keeping my heart and eyes on Him and His Word.  I can almost hear him say, in response to my “now what?’ “Just sit down and relax.  I’ve got this.”

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?”  Romans 8:15 MSG

God said, “I’ve got this”

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My girls are very often on my mind and in my heart, just like every mom, I’m sure.  Our roles have shifted some now that they’re young women and more on their own, but I still hope they are okay and want things to work well for them.  Whenever I start fretting about it or something that’s going on, God reminds me to stop it.  He says to me, for the upteenth time, “I’ve got this, Mimi. I can take care of your girls.”

He told me that again Monday morning as I was getting up and getting ready for work.  Thinking about my daughter, Kaitlin, I was praying for her and God told me to just keep trusting Him to guide her and be with her.

Well, a few hours later at work I got a phone call that she had been in a car accident on the highway and was on her way to the hospital.  Driving 65 mph, she spun on ice, ending up horizontal to traffic, nearly got hit by a semi while spinning, then got crunched by a car on her side of her car.  Thankfully and amazingly, she ended up with only a cut on her head, no broken bones, no other serious injuries.  Two women stopped immediately to see if she was okay.  One called us, the other one who was an EMT, got into Kaitlin’s car with her, laid her back in her seat, got a towel for her cut, and stayed with her until the ambulance came.

Whenever I think about those two ladies, I want to cry and hug them and thank them but I’ll never know who they are.  I couldn’t be with her, but God was with her, sending those two sweet strangers to help.  He had it under control, even without my help.

I really have felt utterly helpless this week as I’ve heard more about the accident.  I have never wished so strongly that I could teleport to where she was.  My heart ached.  I wasn’t able to help her at all or be with her at all, but others were and she is doing fine. God keeps telling me, “Look how I took care of her.  I told you, you can trust me.”  She’s navigating through it all and growing up a lot in the process, I think.

God is able.  God is there.  He is good and loving.

Could I say those things if Kaitlin had died in the accident?  Or she had been paralyzed? In time, I believe I could, because it’s true.

I believe that when bad or scary things happen to those we love, God has not turned his head but is with them, very near.

Whatever the outcome, I believe He works things for good for those who love Him, and says to us when we start getting anxious, “You can trust me. I’ve got this.”

Trust God, my friends,
    and always tell him
each one of your concerns.
    God is our place of safety. Psalm 62:8 CEV

My hope is in God

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It’s dark and blustery outside.  I think a storm is blowing in, and I love to be inside, cozy and dry, and hear it raining and gusting outside.  The room is dimly lit by the computer screen and warm glow of the desk lamp.  There’s no sound except the very quiet humming of my Mac, and an occasional clunk or clank or the jeans in the dryer downstairs.  My head is pounding, partly from tiredness, partly from the way I have to tilt my head a little these days when looking at the computer screen (blast these older eyes).

God spoke to me tonight.  He broke through the cacophony in my brain, the pressing to-do list that always seems to be scrolling through my mind like the moving lights of a marquee.  While reading some wise words from a friend’s blog, realization struck and pent-up tears spilled out.  Quick aside: my nature always wants to know what’s going to happen, always strives for harmony and good endings, and always wants to be a part of that happening.  In other words, I have control issues.

Okay, back to God speaking to me.  I say all the time to those around me how I try to replace fear with faith, how I trust God to care for my loved ones (more specifically, my daughters).  I have been trying to let go, but realize my subconscious keeps going back to trying to control the decisions and actions of someone I love (which is silly, of course, because the only one I can control is myself and even then I don’t bat 1000).

My friend shared, in the blog post I read, that instead of obsessing or focusing on my hope for my daughter to make choices I think are good, or to grow closer to Jesus, I need to just let go.  Being so concerned about it, letting my thoughts of her and even prayers for her occupy so much of my energy can be a problem.  It can become an idol, distracting me and keeping me from hoping in GOD, from my personal closeness to Him.

My job is at this point is to just love her unconditionally.  When I shared this with John, he said, “That’s what God does with us.”  He doesn’t force us to choose one way or another, He just keeps loving us.  I know He hopes we will choose wisely and choose His way, but He lets us choose and just loves.

Like my sister has said to me often, I can’t live my daughter’s life.  She is living it.  But I need to live my life!  I need to keep my hope in Jesus, to keep seeking after Him with all my heart, to get as close to Him as I possibly can and stay there.

I will still pray for my girls, of course!  I can still hope my daughters will choose love, will choose God’s way, will make healthy choices, but I have to let go and let them choose.  God will help and guide them, as they let Him.  My hope is really in Him.

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him. – Psalm 62:5

The blog I referenced is “Hope for Hurting Parents” by Dena Yohe

She’s home!

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I knew it wasn’t going to be a very restful night for me. It’s not that I was worried, just waiting. My youngest was on her way home from spring break, traveling with her friend and her parents all the way home, straight through.

They weren’t due in until around six a.m. and so, in typical mom fashion, just about every two hours I turned over and checked the clock, said a prayer and tried to go back to sleep.  It was a long night!

When I heard the door shut just before 6, I jumped out of bed, grabbed my bathrobe and hurried to the kitchen to hug my girl. She’s home! Thank you, God.

It’s always been that way during my years as a mommy: if any of the girls were out I couldn’t sleep deeply until they were in the house. There’d be one thing on my mind ’til they came in: their safe return.  Moms out there, I’m sure you can relate! 

As I was thinking about this this morning while eating breakfast, I heard God tell me that is how eager, anxious, even desperate He is for all his kids to come home, to be in His house, in His arms.

Remember the story of the prodigal son? And how the father stood day after day looking down the road toward the horizon, hoping to see the silhouette of his rogue, wayward son coming back to him? 

What if all of us who are already “safe” at home with God shared his inextinguishable compassion and consuming desperation for our brothers and sisters still “out there” to come home?

I know whenever He hears one of them coming in, He runs to them to wrap them in a huge hug, His heart nearly bursting with joy as He smiles broadly, saying, “you’re home!”

God, stir in me a restlessness for those who aren’t home yet. Help me know how to call them, show then the way to You.

When he (the lost son) was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him.   Luke 15:20 MSG

You won’t believe what happened to me yesterday

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I was standing in the checkout line at Wal-Mart yesterday — had my things on the little conveyor belt, waiting patiently.  There was an older lady in front of me that kept looking back at me.  I smiled and then looked the other way, but she kept staring.  It became pretty awkward.  She had a lot of stuff and it wasn’t long before I’d already scanned every headline of the magazines in our aisle and looked at every package of beef jerky and candy bar 3-4 times.

Finally she actually walked back to where I stood in line and she said, almost tearfully, “I apologize for staring, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.  You just look so much like my daughter, who died not too long ago. I can’t take my eyes off you.”  I wasn’t expecting that and I’m sure my facial expression was comical.  She quickly opened her wallet and pulled out a photo of her daughter who’d died. I honestly didn’t see any resemblance but she seemed so moved.  We chatted a little bit while her groceries were rung up.

This is the crazy part: She then said to me, “I’m sorry, I have to ask you. Would you mind, as I leave the supermarket here, would you mind saying ‘Goodbye mom’ to me? I, I know it’s a strange request but it would mean so much to me to hear it.” My stomach did one of those flip-flops when something just plain weird happens, but I felt sorry for her so I said “uh…okay.” And so, she got her groceries all checked out and as she went out the door she waved at me.  I said sheepishly and not very loudly, “Goodbye mom”.  She smiled and left and I was very relieved.  Strange…

The cashier rang up my few things as I waited for the total.   She smiled at me very warmly and said, “That’ll be four hundred and seventy-nine dollars.” “WHAT?! There must be a mistake. How in the world did you get that total from these few things?” She replied, “Well, you’re also paying for the groceries for your mother. She told me you’d take care of the bill for her.”  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  “That’s not my mother!!” I said as my heart started beating faster and realization of the lady’s con job swept over me.

The confused cashier said, “But I distinctly heard you say as she left the store ‘Goodbye Mom’!” I looked frantically out into the parking lot and saw she was still just getting into her car – so I bolted.  I left my stuff at the register and ran out there as fast as I could.  She saw me coming and tried to shut the door really fast but a little bit of her leg was still sticking out of the door when I got there.   I grabbed her leg and started PULLING it!  No way was I letting go of this lady!  I wasn’t paying over 400 bucks for her stuff!  I kept pulling her leg and pulling…

Just like I’m pulling yours right now…

All together now

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It turns out you need both front tires of your car pointing the same direction if you want to go anywhere.  This morning, Krissy and I were attempting to back out of our parking space to go to school and work when the steering wheel started jiggling.  The car moved erratically and wasn’t doing what I wanted it to.  It veered back and forth and when I tried to drive forward it just sat there, with the steering wheel turning on its own and still jiggling while we began to smell hot rubber.  I hopped out to see what was wrong and saw that the front left tire was facing forward but the front right tire was turned sharply to the right.  Uh oh.  That can’t be good.  We had to get the car towed to the shop because that tire, for whatever reason, wasn’t responding to the steering wheel or the direction I was trying to drive.

I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately, probably because we have some big changes coming up soon for our family.  Even though change happens all around us all the time and is a part of life, we still resist it.  That tendency seems to be built into most people’s core.  We veer toward what is familiar, what we already know, what is comfortable or seems good from past experience.  What if Jesus is turning the steering wheel a different and new direction?  Especially when it comes to teams, families, churches, or other groups who say they have the same goal, all the people have to respond to the direction and turn the same way or no one is going anywhere.  Resisting or being stubborn can cause the whole endeavor to come to a swerving, smelling-like-hot-rubber halt or at least make it a hundred times more difficult for the other “tires” trying to move along.

Our daughter Krissy was a little like our wayward tire when we first started talking about moving a few months ago.  It’s understandable – it wasn’t in her plan, wasn’t her first choice, and didn’t seem comfortable.  Over time, however, I’ve watched as God made needed repairs and adjustments and helped her see that following His lead was the best plan.  Sunday, before John officially accepted the offer to move to another state to pastor a church, we asked her once more how she was feeling and what she was thinking.  She said it would be hard and we agreed with her.  Then she said, with some emotion, “But I feel like God has plans for me there.”  Our hearts swelled.  Our little tire was facing the same way as us again!  Now we can move forward as a family, letting Jesus steer.

If you’re facing changes and feeling resistant, ask God to repair your heart and attitude and help you not be the wayward tire.  You don’t want to hold up what God has in mind for your family, your church, your friends, do you?

Humbled, happy heart

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I sat there listening to her sing her heart in phrases and heard God talk to me, as well, “I’m showing you again that I have the power to influence this young lady’s heart.  I made her, you know.  I have planted more in her than you could dream of or design.  As precious as you are to me, you are not the author of this young one’s soul and faith.  I Am.”

Thank you, God, and forgive me for doubting, worrying or trying to orchestrate.  Thank you for hearing my deepest heart prayers for her (and for all my daughters) – that You would draw her near, that You would comfort her and give her the strength to surrender to you.   You can handle the angry cries, the stubborn thoughts, the questions and more.  You keep painting beauty over those things and then giving me glimpses of this tough and tender work of art that is my daughter.

How I’ve underestimated all my girls at times, in many ways.  Don’t let me do it any more.  Why would I think they are any less complicated, any less deep thinkers and ponderers, any less in tune with God than I am?  Why would I not think You talk to them the way You do me, that You relish every moment they sit with you, read Your word, sing songs to You?  I’m simply a few years farther down the path, but we’re on the same path following You, “I Am”, our incredible Savior and Creator.

We harmonized together on some familiar tunes and I was drawn into worship as I sat in sleepy comfort.  You were sitting right there, Jesus.  The only thing I can do is bow down in my heart, my thankful, peace-filled, humbled heart.

This song will hold more meaning for me from now on:

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you        (© Hillsong United)

Getting healthier after some turmoil last year when pastor left. Facility is really nice and new. Upward basketball – 200+ kids. Pretty good sense of mission, awareness of the need to be missional. Recently changed to a governance leadership structure – significant tool for next pastor.

 

Still some unresolved longstanding, systemic unhealthy conflict. Mortgage – income that comes in with which they pay the mortgage is usually about $4000 a month short. They use cash reserves right now from the sale of their old building to pay the shortfall but that won’t last forever. Still some division from the conflict last year that is healing but isn’t over.

God’s on a roll

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Wow.  How do I begin to blog about this weekend?  I just got home from a weekend in Indianapolis, hanging out with almost 1600 teenagers and youth leaders, hearing God’s Word, worshiping and singing, and seeing God do His amazing work in hearts.  There were so many times when God proved that what was happening could only be because of Him and it humbled me.  It blessed me.  It awed me.  I just keep saying “wow” and “thank you” over and over again. Continue reading →

In honor of this, the peewee’s day of birth

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Sixteen years ago, about this time actually, I was holding my newest baby girl, Kristine Michele.  I was exhausted but elated.  The nurses had, for some reason, taken a long time to get her washed up, measured, and so forth and so by the time they brought her to me in my room I was dying to get my arms around her.  She likes to tell the story, after seeing her birth on video, of how she cried and cried when she was first born but the moment they laid her on my chest she immediately stopped and just looked at me with her big brown eyes.  You can’t recreate or fully describe moments like that.  An instant bond was created with this new little one, who tried coming out with one hand extended above her head, as if to shake our hands and announce herself to the world.  When I was growing up I always thought I’d be a good mom to boys, since I was such a tomboy.  God knew better and blessed me with three girls instead and Kristine rounded out the family well.  She was a really happy baby, probably partly due to being third and her parents being much more relaxed this time around.  She was delighted to be entertained by her big sisters goofy antics and stories and was soon up and walking to follow them around.  They probably don’t know how much she has always looked up to them, how much she still does, and how much she loves them.

She talked earliest of the three, walked earliest of the three and was soon putting on shows, singing songs while doing little jigs, making us laugh, and giving us “bombs” Continue reading →