Tag Archives: fear

I’m a flyer, you’re a flyer…

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When was the last time you watched a trapeze act? It must be exhilarating to grip the bar, jump off the platform, swing down and then on the way up let go at the top and fly through the air. Thankfully a fellow trapeze artist is there at just the right time, grabs a hold and swings them to safety on the other side. I enjoy watching these acts most when there is a big net underneath, you know, just in case someone loses grip or doesn’t quite time things right. Then at least they will bounce safely at the bottom and nobody gets hurt.

I’m assuming these trapeze groups have relationships built on lots of trust. I bet the flyers really try to stay on the good side of the catchers, like baking them cookies, giving them foot rubs and the like.

It seems to me there are some very important truths about a good catcher: They must be strong, they must watch the flyer without distraction, they must have good timing, and they must jump out and swing toward the flyer at just the right moment to do their job and bring the flyer back with them.  I read that sometimes the catcher says a reassuring, “Gotcha!” as they grab hold of the flyer.

You may have heard flying on a trapeze as an illustration of a life of faith in God. In that scenario, we who follow Jesus are flyers who let go in life and trust the catcher, God, to be there. They say the flyer shouldn’t try to “catch” the catcher, but just let go of the trapeze bar, hold their arms out straight, and wait for the catcher grab hold. Trust. Big time.

It’s like a child jumping from the side of a pool to their Daddy standing in the water, only bigger and scarier. I mean, I’m flying through the air here Continue reading →

Let go, my soul

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I’ve been trusting in God since I was a little girl. I first heard Him and felt Him tug at my heart when I was very young. Back then, trust looked like listening to Bible stories, praying with my family, singing along in worship at church, listening and learning from my daddy’s sermons…childlike faith.  

As a teenager, I remember writing in my journal at night before bed, pouring out my heart to Jesus and reading my Bible to find guidance and encouragement.  Trust was me believing Jesus was my friend, my confidant, someone who would hold my heart through elation and heartbreak, crushes, questions, and insecurities.  I trusted in forgiveness when I did something stupid or messed up.

Through college and into adulthood, trust looked like seeking God with friends in Bible study and prayer, believing He had a plan for me, surrendering and saying “If you want me to be single all my life it’s okay,” then finding He had a special partner picked for me. 

John and I trusted God would help us know how to be parents.  Trust looked like depending on Him to provide even the most basic needs through lean times.  He once showed me I should trust Him as freely and without care as my little girls trusted us to take care of them.  

Sometimes trust in the young mom years looked like closing myself in the bathroom, near tears, telling God, “You said if we ask for wisdom you would give it. Well I need some right now!”  Trust was me believing God wouldn’t let me scar my children for life by mistakes I made.

At the sound of a cancer diagnosis, trust was something I was grasping for in desperation.  Do you believe I trust you, God, even though fear won’t seem to completely go away?  Does it mean my faith is lacking if I still feel anxious, if my heart trembles and hurts at the thought of not being here with my husband and girls anymore?  I can’t explain how, but God showed me clearly that He was just ahead on the path, around the bend, with hand reached back for me, making a way for me.  So I trusted Him.

There have been so many more faces of trust along the way, too many to recount here.

Trust. Critical foundation for any relationship. God has earned my trust and never broken it, though sometimes He has stretched my faith to the point I thought it would snap. When I’m fighting fear or the urge to try and orchestrate outcomes in my life or in the life of someone I love, I remember what He’s done in the past and consciously choose to trust Him.  Trust is a step out, a surrender of will and the demand to know. Trust is living in this day.

A recent favorite song says it this way, “Through it all, my eyes are on You. Throught it all, it is well. So, let go, my soul, and trust in Him. The wind and waves still know His name.” 1

In other words, God is the same as He was the last time He came through for me. His intentions and ability haven’t changed, His love as boundless as ever. He keeps His promises. He never leaves, though He will walk us through some pretty awful, dark places. 

So, let go, friend, of the need to know, of control, of wanting your way, of fears. Open hands and arms wide and feel freedom, like a bird taking flight into a steady supporting wind, floating and soaring.  You can trust God.

1 It Is Well by Kristene DiMarco, Bethel Music 

Me and Moses

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I have an opportunity to speak to a group of women in a few weeks, during a spiritual retreat.  When first asked, I was honored, surprised, and then anxious.  I said I would pray about it and I did.  I also asked my mom and sister for feedback/advice, reminding them that I was not a preacher or speaker.  My mom was very encouraging as mommies are.  My sis, whom God often uses to convict me, sent me a Bible verse:

Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”  – Exodus 4:10-11

I replied to my sister with a “thank you very much” and accepted the task.  Of course, if you read on in that chapter of Exodus, God sends Moses’ brother Aaron to help do the talking.  I should remind my sister, Jodi, about that part!

If I think of it as a time to teach other people, I immediately feel Continue reading →

I can’t fix it…and that is precisely the point

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My heart and mind have been ruminating all day about hope, faith, doubt, Jesus, God, despair, pain, disappointments, trust, and truth.  I’m a little weary inside tonight.

Already having a mini faith crisis of sorts lately, pondering truth and what I really, truly believe about God, Jesus, eternity and life and…when I try to solve these issues on my own I just find myself walking in circles, getting nowhere and feeling restless.

With all this filling my heart already, today I reached a tipping point.  A dear friend who has so much pressure in her life already shared some details with me of the latest tough news and troubling lack of answers and hopeful outcomes.  As I listened I felt so inept, incapable of helping her.  I was thinking I should say something about Jesus but we were at work at the front desk and it wasn’t the right time.  And for some reason I felt it would come across as ineffective or cliché, like offering to put a little Band-aid on a gaping wound, or bailing out a sinking boat with a teaspoon.

Then I felt guilty for feeling that way.  Maybe I hesitated, too, because I wasn’t confident at the moment of that hope myself.  Why was my heart hesitating? Continue reading →

He was there

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I got my diagnosis on my mom’s birthday.  That just doesn’t seem right does it?  My surgery was that Friday, only five days later.  What a whirlwind week it was.  My parents dropped everything and drove to St. Louis to be with us, even though my dad was a pastor with a busy schedule.  I don’t remember how many days I had to stay in the hospital, I think only two.  I just remember with clarity an early morning blood draw to check my white cell count to see if I could go home.

Shortly after the lab tech left the room, my dad walked in.  He was carrying his garment bag and told me he was about to go back home but wanted to come see me first.  While he was with me, my surgeon, Dr. Billy, came in to tell me that my levels were low and I was going to have to stay longer in the hospital.  My heart sunk into a fearful thought that there might be more cancer.  Then Dr. Billy noticed they had drawn blood out of the arm that had an IV and it had diluted the blood sample.  He had them come back in and draw from my other arm, it was okay, and I was able to go home!

It may not sound like a big deal, but it helped so much that my dad was there.  I didn’t have to be alone through that brief unsettling moment.  He was thinking of me that morning and wanted me to know.  He was there because he loves me.  What did I do to get my dad to love me? Continue reading →

Where does my help come from?

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I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord…  Psalm 121:1-2

Fear comes in all sorts of packages and at all kinds of different times.  I’m afraid I’m a bit of a worrier.  I don’t want to be and it’s embarrassing to admit that, but it’s true.  That worry is actually fear in disguise.

I’m the type of person who really wants to know what’s going to happen, how and when.  I try to be spontaneous but my nature is most comfortable in structure, knowing what’s expected of me, having a plan – you know.

Living a life with Jesus requires me to step out of that comfortable place a lot.  Living in general causes me to step out.  Continue reading →

A quick look back, then we face the dawn

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I believe in pressing forward and in living in this day but once in a while it’s good to take a quick look back to see how far we’ve come and remember what we learned.  A friend of mine said today that looking toward this new year is like throwing out a fishing line, we wait and watch to see what we’ll reel in, not knowing, but hoping.  I joked that it’s probably good we can’t see all that we’re going to “reel in” this coming year and that I’m glad Jesus is there to help us if we have to pull in something really heavy or menacing.  Today I’ve been thinking some about the lessons I caught in 2010.  Some of them were whoppers: Continue reading →

To Inifinity and Beyond

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Do you ever feel afraid when you think about going to heaven?  That’s a weird question, I know.  I woke this morning thinking not so much about heaven exactly, as about eternity, about what happens when we die, about what it could be like to be somewhere forever…and ever.  It may seem crazy to you but whenever I start thinking about that I begin to feel anxious.  I’m pretty sure it’s because it’s something my mind can’t grasp or understand.   After all, I have no frame of reference.  Everything in my life, and in this world, has a beginning and end.  I was conceived and began as a cluster of cells multiplying and growing (a pretty huge miracle in itself).  When my time has come, I will die and my heart will stop beating, my brain stop processing and thinking, and my physical body will give out.  Each day has a beginning (the sun comes up) and an end (the sun goes down and the moon and stars appear).  I wake and sleep.  There are physical boundaries to my home, my town, my country, and my world.  Once into space, however, it starts to become mind-boggling since there is no edge to the universe.  Where does it end, if it ends and if it does, what’s on the outside of it?  OH!  I tell myself to just stop thinking about it, to stop trying to comprehend how it could be.  The truth is, there is no way we can see the edge or end of the universe, and from what I’ve heard it keeps spreading, so infinity seems to be reality.

If you’re still reading this rambling post, bully for you!   Continue reading →

Just a little timid

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I mean, if you played the trust game with someone – you know when you fall backwards and they catch you – but they let you fall or dropped you, you probably wouldn’t jump up to do it again with the same person right?  Or with anyone for that matter.  It’s a little harder to be “gung ho” when you’re about to do something you’ve done before and gotten hurt.  I get irritated with myself for being such an emotional person.  I’m working on decreasing the frequency of my knee-jerk emotional reactions to things but they still happen.

I keep telling myself – this is another chance to keep trusting God, people are people and no matter where you go or work there will be times of conflict you have to work through, no person or place or church or job is perfect, blah, blah, blah.  Continue reading →

Get out of my way, I can’t see!

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It happens every once in a while:  something I’m concerned about grows so large within me it swallows me up and leaves me feeling trapped in stomach-churning anxiety.  I know I should trust God, I know He’s good, I know He’s in control, I know He can handle anything.  It’s just that sometimes these concerns get in the way and I can’t see God.

It happened on Saturday.  I was at my parents’ home for the weekend, helping my mom pack up.  They’ll be moving to Arizona soon for their retirement and couldn’t be more excited.  It was so good to spend time with them.  For some reason on Saturday I started thinking again about the extreme tightness of my family’s budget right now and that it’s likely to be that way for some time because of our circumstance and I couldn’t even eat the yummy double-cheeseburger my dad had brought me.  I think the grinding sound my brakes made on my trip over and the idea of another car repair bill got it all stirred up this time.  Continue reading →