Forever young

Shady treeI’ve gotten in the habit of calling our dog “puppy.” It started, of course, when she was a chubby, furball of a puppy, and I just kept it up. It’s a term of endearment for our very fun, lively, playful dog. It seems to suit her, even though she’s now almost 1 1/2 years old.

I heard someone ask the question lately, “How old do you feel? In other words, if you didn’t know how old you were, how old would you say you are?” I said probably 35 or so. I still feel like I did back then, even though I’ve seen a number more birthdays than that! How would you answer that question? Continue reading

Remembering Flo

Today would have been my Grandma Neal’s 90th birthday.  Five years ago, on a December day in Columbus, Ohio, grandma was on her way to her second Christmas party gathering of the day, blacked out while driving and drove off the road.  By the time the ambulance got her to the hospital, she had already gone to be with Jesus.

My mom and her brothers are going to celebrate her today, scattering her ashes (what remains of her earthly “shell”) at the foot of “her mountain” in Huachuca City, Arizona. Grandma used to live out there in the Sierra Vista valley surrounded by desert hills and it’s the perfect resting place.  She would have loved knowing they are doing that today, and that they’re doing it together.

I miss her.  As I’ve thought about her this week, a fresh sadness at her absence in our lives has washed over me.  There was so much good about my grandmother, who wasn’t perfect of course, but was a vibrant, genuine, extremely loving woman of God.

I miss her impassioned voice when she prayed to Jesus, whom she loved more than anything or anyone.  I miss hearing her cheerful voice and laughter and seeing her make strangers into friends at the grocery, the bank, restaurants and even at the door of her apartment, inviting the pizza delivery boy to church.

I remember so many things, so many good memories are swirling around in my heart today.  One that stands out is how, following my mastectomy, my mom and grandma came to take care of me and help John with the house and the girls.  After mom left, grandma stayed longer and watched over me, brought me my meals, told me to take naps, sat with me and talked, prayed with me, and folded laundry while I sat on the couch.  It was a precious time and it was the way she loved people the best.

Grandma was a hands on person, she showed her love by serving.  For a time she worked in the V.A. hospital treating old soldiers with respect, cheering them up with her ever-present smile, washing their old tired bodies and keeping them comfortable.  For years she watched over and took tirelessly care of my grandfather when he was battling Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.  I remember one time she went over to my other grandmother’s house, Grandma Shultz was wheelchair bound at the time, and gave her a decent bath.  Humility and love was wrapped up in her tall, fair-skinned, Norwegian body.

She made friends with her neighbors, no matter what nationality.  At her last apartment complex she had befriended several Indian families and had them over for dinner, took them jello salads, and enjoyed dinner in their homes.

She was acting out her love for Jesus by loving people.  She did it well.  I want to be more like her.  I love her so much, still, and miss her so much today my heart aches.

When her ashes are scattered it will be meaningful and special, but Grandma isn’t in those ashes.  She’s with God in heaven.  If Grandma had her way she’d be surrounded by cute little white doggies, lots of flowers and maybe even a concrete donkey or set of frogs on a love seat in her heavenly garden.  I can imagine her sitting at the foot of a mountain with Jesus, smiling and talking with Him, praying still for her children and their children to know Him.

I remember you, Grandma Neal, and I love you!  Someday I’ll sit with you there.

Halt. Refocus.

God our Father loves us. He is kind and has given us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope.  II Thessalonians 2:16  CE

I didn’t even know she was ill.  I wasn’t close friends with the family but I know them and was so shocked and sad to hear that she succumbed to a long battle with cancer and has now gone to be with Jesus.  I’m not sad she went to be with Jesus but sad that her husband, not much older than John and I is now without his partner, and that her two kids, the age of my college girls, are now without their mom when there are still life milestones to cross like marriage and grandbabies and a host of other special events.

It causes my heart to halt and forces me to remember … Continue reading

‘Til the very end

The goodbyes began this week.  It seems as though we’re walking in between waving farewell to friends here and waving hello to friends ahead.  It’s usually a good thing if that in between period doesn’t last too long.  More than anything, more than sadness, I feel deeply thankful for the connections we’ve made here knowing I don’t have to break any of them.  I get to keep the friends I’ve made and take them along with me in my heart as I meet new ones.

One of my goodbyes will be to my 96, almost 97, year old grandmother Retha.  She lives in a nursing home in Anderson and I went by to visit her today.  Luckily she was up in her wheelchair instead of lying in bed, so I took her down the hall to a nice, open room with big windows letting in the sunshine.  We sat facing each other and catching up.  Grandma does remarkably well considering her age.  She was really happy when I told her John has a pastorate now and we have a good place to go live and serve.  She was also happy it’s not terribly far away.

A good friend of mine, who has been friends with my grandmother for much longer, is a lady named Ann Smith.  Ann radiates joy and life out of her relationship with Jesus, even now in her eighties.  The last time I saw her she gave me a Bible verse to read to my grandma.  I shared it with grandma today.  It’s Isaiah 46:3-4: Continue reading

To Inifinity and Beyond

Do you ever feel afraid when you think about going to heaven?  That’s a weird question, I know.  I woke this morning thinking not so much about heaven exactly, as about eternity, about what happens when we die, about what it could be like to be somewhere forever…and ever.  It may seem crazy to you but whenever I start thinking about that I begin to feel anxious.  I’m pretty sure it’s because it’s something my mind can’t grasp or understand.   After all, I have no frame of reference.  Everything in my life, and in this world, has a beginning and end.  I was conceived and began as a cluster of cells multiplying and growing (a pretty huge miracle in itself).  When my time has come, I will die and my heart will stop beating, my brain stop processing and thinking, and my physical body will give out.  Each day has a beginning (the sun comes up) and an end (the sun goes down and the moon and stars appear).  I wake and sleep.  There are physical boundaries to my home, my town, my country, and my world.  Once into space, however, it starts to become mind-boggling since there is no edge to the universe.  Where does it end, if it ends and if it does, what’s on the outside of it?  OH!  I tell myself to just stop thinking about it, to stop trying to comprehend how it could be.  The truth is, there is no way we can see the edge or end of the universe, and from what I’ve heard it keeps spreading, so infinity seems to be reality.

If you’re still reading this rambling post, bully for you!   Continue reading

It’s going to be good

I don’t know what’s ahead tomorrow; don’t even know what’s ahead in a few hours or two minutes from now.  But it’s going to be good.

It may be something different from what I plan.  It may hurt.  It may make me laugh.  I might be overjoyed or concerned, scared, relieved, bewildered or surprised but I belong to a good God so it’s going to be good.  Good doesn’t necessarily mean “happy” or comfortable or even pleasant.  There’s a deeper good that God knows and wants to give.

My God who keeps His promises.  My God who loves and loves and loves.  We can’t out-give Him.  He is good.

Sadly, the hard stuff of life can sometimes cause me to see God as indifferent, angry, or unkind.  What if instead I saw Him as He is:  a wholly devoted, attentive, compassionate Dad who can relate to how I feel in every moment.

Have you ever bought a gift for someone and you know it’s exactly what they want and waiting until it’s time to give it to them is almost unbearable?  You just can’t wait to give it to them because you know how happy they will be and you want to make them happy because you love them.  God probably has to restrain Himself from bowling us over with revelations, blessings, and knowledge of outcomes because it’s for our good, because it’s not time yet or we’re not ready to receive what He has for us yet.  I think He can hardly wait to help us and show us all that He has planned.  I imagine it’s especially hard for Him when He has to remain silent, watching while we cry out, all so that we will search more, grow more, and become stronger.

Sometimes when talking with friends about things I don’t understand we say that when we get to heaven we can ask God about it.  Maybe then He’ll finally show me what it was all about or why certain things happened.

You know what?  I don’t think I will care at that point!  When I see Him face to face – the One who somehow shrunk His vastness down into the tiny, frail body of a human baby and grew up among the limited, common folks He Himself made out of dust, and then actually gave his life up for all of us because of unrelenting love – I think all I will be able to say is “thank you.”

All the stuff that happened here will be wiped from my memory and won’t matter anymore.  All that will matter is that it drove me to Jesus and helped me get home.

It’s going to be so good.

“…open your eyes and see—how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.”  Psalm 34:8  The Message

“You bless all of those who trust you, LORD.”  Psalm 40:4  CEV

Kaleidoscope

When I surrendered, all my thoughts, dreams, plans, expectations, hopes and even some beliefs fell as if the surface they were resting on was suddenly yanked out from underneath.  The ground below was hard and they shattered.  So many pieces lay in piles all jumbled up. What a mess! They had seemed so valuable – something to be desired – but now all was broken.

Before I could reach a state of panic or overwhelming sadness, I felt Jesus’ strong hand on my shoulder, silently telling me to just be still.  He stepped past me crouching there in my disappointment and scooped up all the fragments and shards in His hands.  Then he got up and turned away from me for a while as I nursed my wounds from wayward pieces that had cut me.  He worked without speaking.  The silence became so complete it almost smothered me as I sat waiting.  I didn’t know what He was doing, He seems to enjoy secrecy sometimes.  He didn’t even want my help, if you can imagine that.  Continue reading

Final Scene

I’ve heard lots of songs, read lots of blog posts, and had lots of conversations with people lately about disappointment, having to resort to Plan B, C or D, disillusionment over life not turning out the way we expected it to, and wondering why God doesn’t stop bad things from happening or doesn’t answer prayer how we think He should.  It has made me wonder – are people feeling like that more than before?  Why?  Or am I just noticing it more because I’ve felt like that this year? Continue reading

Dance!

Watch this video:

The first time I watched this I giggled and smiled the entire time, almost moved to tears.   Such joy and fun!  I love how as they danced, more and more people joined in until it was soon a huge crowd of joyful, jumping, dancing people.  Joy is contagious!  I immediately thought of our walk with Jesus and how it should affect people like this.  The joy we have in knowing Him should be contagious, obvious, bubbling over and drawing people in.  Jesus promised that if we lift him up He would draw people to Himself.  What better way than to be full of joy and hope.  People are definitely looking for that.  I wish I could have been at this train station, dancing and leaping with these people!  How exhilarating!   Complete freedom and fun.  No worries of what people are thinking.  Contagious, beautiful, swelling joy!

How beautiful our world would be if mankind could interact like this – enjoying life, working together, having fun, celebrating…a preview of what heaven will be like.

Bummer

img_0387Yesterday afternoon I hopped into our gold mini-van with my three daughters and two of their friends.  We headed happily down the road toward Ft. Wayne to see “Winter Jam” an annual concert event with 5-6 great Christian bands and a speaker.  My girls and I have probably been to 4-5 Winter Jams in the past few years and love it every time.  We had been looking forward to it for several months.

The cool thing about Winter Jam is that the tickets are only $10 each.  Of course, there is no reserved seating so you have to get there early to get a good seat.  We didn’t think about the fact that if enough peeps showed up, you have to get there early to get a seat period.  Well, we weren’t as early this year with the 2-hour drive and having to wait until school was out to take off so when we got there, the doors had already opened and there was a mile-long line twisting and winding all through the broad parking lot.  img_0393At least it was sunny out, even though still chilly.  We waited, walked a few steps, waited some more, hoped and hoped as we got closer that before long the line would really start moving and we’d be finding our way to some seats and an awesome evening of music, shouting, standing and clapping, and fun.

img_0390A guy came out and started walking from the back of the line up toward where we stood.  We heard him telling people something as he walked along.  As he got closer we heard him talking about an extra music appearance at a local church following the concert and then he turned to us and said, “You’re not getting in.  Sold out show.”  After a moment of shock and disbelief, the line started breaking up as the people around us began to wander back to their cars, vans and church buses.  We stood there for a moment looking at each other – “What?!”  “No way!”   Continue reading