Tag Archives: life

Thirst

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I’ve said it before and it will probably always be true: if it weren’t for my husband, my houseplants would be dead. I love plants, or at least I say I do, but I forget to water them. It builds endurance, right? I don’t think they appreciate it. I’m sure you’ve had a plant or flower that was a little neglected and became wilted and drooping over, but once you gave it some water, before long it straightened up and filled out – happy and thriving instead of barely hanging on to its little plant life.

I was listening to a message by Tim Keller yesterday about Psalm 1: the first of many wonderful rich poems, desperate laments, mountain-top celebrations and heartfelt prayers to God and about God. Here it is:

1 Oh, the joys of those who do not
follow the advice of the wicked,
or stand around with sinners,
or join in with mockers.

2 But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.

3 They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
and they prosper in all they do.

4 But not the wicked!
They are like worthless chaff,
scattered by the wind.

5 They will be condemned at the time of judgment.
Sinners will have no place among the godly.

6 For the Lord watches over the path of the godly,
but the path of the wicked leads to destruction.

Tim’s message focused on the necessity of meditating on God’s Word so we can thrive, but I also gained some new perspective on a few other things.

Jesus had a conversation with a Samaritan woman once and told her if she only knew the gift God had for her she would ask for Living Water. “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life,” (John 4:13-14). That thirst is the inner thirst we all have, the sometimes seemingly unquenchable yearning in our hearts for what we lack. We look to and “drink in” all sorts of things and people to try and satisfy the thirst, but none of it lasts or truly satisfies. Some can even be toxic. We are barely surviving spiritually (which affects our entire life, physically and otherwise).

Among many other things, God once told Jeremiah, the prophet, to warn His people about this:

They [my people] have abandoned me—the fountain of living water.
And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all! Jeremiah 2:13

In our self-sufficiency we think we’re doing fine when all the while our roots are shriveling and starving, a malnourished tree trying to grow in dry, cracked dirt.

For a short time, could it be that Jesus even knew this feeling? We read these words in Psalm 22, a specific and accurate prophecy about Jesus’ crucifixion:

14 My life is poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart is like wax, melting within me.

15 My strength has dried up like sunbaked clay.
My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.
You have laid me in the dust and left me for dead.

Near the end of his death on the cross, Jesus said “I thirst.” No doubt physically he was dehydrated and truly thirsty. But Tim Keller proposed it could have also been because at that moment he was taking on our sin, essentially becoming sin, becoming the wicked who are cut off from God, detached from the source of Living Water. His life was utterly being poured out, draining out like water. He was becoming dusty, lifeless chaff to be scattered in the wind. (Psalm 1:4) That is the opposite of what He wants for us.

If you’ve ever flown in a plane, when you look down across squares of farmers’ fields, forests, neighborhoods and more, you see so many trees growing along rivers and around lakes, where they have a steady supply of water. Psalm 1 paints a beautiful picture of healthy, lush trees growing along a flowing river, always green, always fruitful when the season for that comes, fully alive and strong.

Contrary to actual trees, in a way we actually choose where we want to be planted, settle and grow. In Ephesians 4 the Apostle Paul mentions that in a most loving prayer for the people following Jesus:

16 I pray that from his [God’s] glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 

And Jesus said He’s the Vine and we’re his branches. (John 15:5) He said without Him we can do nothing. But as long as we abide in Him, stay attached to Him, we’ll bear fruit – we’ll have all we need. We’ll have Him.

Unlike my poor houseplants, we have a Father who is not only attentive and caring, but always with us. He is the Living Water, the ever bubbling, even gushing, pure source of life and everything good. He provides more than we need and is the same yesterday, today and forever. Why would we want to plant ourselves anywhere else?

Scriptures used are in the New Living Translation
Tim Keller’s podcast and messages: https://open.spotify.com/show/5hYDVSeY9KWSpkI4YlSzKF?si=W0uS2LlhSJ-Lggv7WzPkYA

Dusting off my happiness

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Looking through old posts on this blog, which was started quite a long time ago, is like looking through my parents’ old photo albums when I visit their house. I read stories I wrote about our parenting adventure that I had forgotten, lessons I’ve learned in life and keep relearning. I find memories, some that make me laugh, some that give me a lump in my throat, that have gotten covered up by others falling on top of them in my mind like stacks of papers getting dusty from no one shuffling through them for a while. Sometimes I read what I wrote and think, “Wow, was that me writing that?” I haven’t written for a long time and miss it. It helps me process what I’m feeling, thinking and learning, even though apparently I forget those things before too long.

For reasons I won’t go into detail explaining, the past 9-10 years were peppered with chronic stress and anxiety, which caused some depression, and often numbness. Continue reading →

This is me

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Don’t compare your real everyday life with someone else’s highlight reel. That’s good advice I heard once about social media. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can be comparison traps. What most of us post are the good moments, the vacation photos, the happy birthday group shots, the days off, the kids graduating or performing or doing something cute. We don’t usually post the flat tires, the grumpy days at work, the late payment credit card statements, the cat’s poop on the carpet, or pics of our kids in time-out in tears with angry faces.

It’s easy for us to forget that other people are posting their best stuff and envy can start creeping in as we scroll through picture after picture, post after post. We become discontented with our own lives and fall into the mucky muck of self-pity.  Not that I’ve ever done this, of course!

My username on Twitter is “therealmimi” (“realmimi” on Instagram) and I want to be that. I strive for transparency and honesty but am also a positive person by nature. I also want to encourage so I try to post upbeat things, Bible verses that help me, hopeful, fun stuff. Some people have gotten the impression, from time to time, that I have it all together because of this, that I don’t struggle, that I’m handling everything in my life with grace all the time.

Welllllll….not so! I was talking with a dear friend yesterday about this very thing. I was telling her I wish I would’ve created my blog to be anonymous so I could really post about anything, be completely honest in my sharing about all parts of my life. As it is, I feel like I have to hold back, I feel the need to be careful what I say because I’m a pastor’s wife and several in my church family read my posts.  I’m a mother of young adults but my daughters might read my posts. I don’t want to ever hurt any of those people by my open sharing.

At the same time, I really don’t want people getting the idea that I’m positive all the time, that I always have hope, that I always look at the bright side, that I’m always walking closely with Jesus.

I’m an emotional person and have my share of sadness, anger, impatience (especially when driving!), self-centeredness, selfishness, and even depression and sometimes overwhelming anxiety.  When people imply or suggest that I don’t feel those things or don’t go through hard stuff, it actually can make me angry. “I’m the same as anyone else!” I want to shout, stamping my foot with hands on my hips. I think it’s because if someone pictures me as less troubled than the ordinary person, or more “spiritual,” or always happy, it takes away my relatability, it separates me and makes me feel isolated.

There is no closeness between friends who aren’t real with each other. There is no deep connection without transparency. There is no relating to someone you sense has no issues or problems. And I want to relate, I want to connect, I want to encourage by sharing from my truest self.

I believe one of my callings from God is to encourage people. I also believe it’s to help others feel less alone. I believe that in orer to do that, I have to be real.

How about you? What would you need to change in your interactions with people, and even on social media, to be more real? I’m not going to post pics of my cat pooping where she’s not supposed to, but it happens. How’s that for starters?

 

To be with Papa

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What’s it like when you spend time with your heavenly Father?

Amy Groeschel posed this question in her devotional reading plan titled “Listening to God” on the Bible app.

Her question made me uncomfortable and I didn’t like that. I’ve been a Jesus follower, a child of God since I was very young. I’m embarrassed to say that I still struggle in approaching God and it sometimes even causes me to stay busy with other things avoiding going to Him in prayer.

I’m ashamed of that, but there is a big part of the problem: shame. In her devotional, Amy said that we might over-spiritualize our prayer time, feel we must impress God or pray the right way. I have felt that way, that if I get distracted, let my mind wander, or even get drowsy and doze off, I’ve failed in that quiet time, will try to do better tomorrow.

What if I just come to God? Plain and simple. Continue reading →

Horcruxes are not the answer.

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I don’t know if you’re a Harry Potter fan but I am. That used to be a risky claim for a Jesus follower.  You’ll just have to trust that even though I’ve read all the books and own all the movies, it hasn’t made me want to dabble in witchcraft. On the contrary, there are lots of great “morals of the story” and good messages woven throughout the series, the biggest one being giving yourself sacrificially for others, or a greater good, is a grand thing to do and evil can’t defeat that kind of love. (First taught to us by Jesus himself!)

The villain in these stories is Voldemort, a narcissist determined to be the most powerful wizard…ever. He also wants to live forever. As a young wizard he finds out about a dark magic device, a horcrux, in which you can split your soul into two pieces, storing one piece in an object apart from your own body for safe keeping. That way you can’t be destroyed if just your body is killed because part of your soul lies elsewhere. Voldemort deducts that if splitting in two pieces helps cheat death, then surely splitting his soul into seven pieces will make him infallible. So he does that very thing, putting the pieces of his soul into several objects, his snake and even Harry.

Well, eventually all the horcruxes, each containing part of Voldemort are discovered and destroyed, the last remaining piece of his soul vulnerable in his failing body and He is killed. No living forever for him. Apparently horcuxes are NOT the answer.

As I sat in the quiet today during my lunch, I was thinking about something I’m hoping for that hasn’t come to be yet. While praying about this something, I realized that I have to keep my focus and make sure that Jesus is the source of my joy and life, not the things I hope for in this world. I need His help with this, because my human heart can become so enamored with a lovely possibility, fascinating gadget, entertaining pasttime. It takes some doing to shift gears to return focus and keep myself centered solely in God.

We can be like Voldemort in a way. We, either intentionally or not, deposit pieces of our hearts and souls into all sorts of people and things here on this earth, in this life, thinking that will fulfill us.  We may not think it will make us live forever, but it can make us forget about the forever life ahead of us and get slogged down in all that doesn’t last and doesn’t really matter. Even good things and relationships can become too dear if we rely on them for all that only God can give.

When we give our soul to Jesus, entirely, not just a piece, He will guard it and love it and fulfill it. We will find our true identity, the purest joy, love and life that will really never end. We’ll become more like Him and be less and less concerned with ourselves, whether or not we’re the best, whether or not our wishes are granted or life turns out how we plan.

My lovely possibility is just that and I have to be careful not to rely on it for my joy and life. Jesus said, “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” 1

Jesus, forgive me for sometimes placing my hope, my heart and soul in temporary things, ideas, plans, even in being concerned for those I love. I know my only hope and true, full, everlasting life is in You and only You. Turn my eyes from the things here in this earthly life that sparkle but don’t last. All will fade away but You remain. Capture my attention, my gaze, my thoughts, my everything, so that all of me rests in You.

 

1 Matthew 15:25-26 NLT

As It Should Be

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Two weeks ago this very night I was standing next to a hospital bed, peering at the chubby-cheeked, puffy-eyed, quiet little one nestled on my daughter’s chest, skin to skin. He opened and shut his hand slowly, his eyes locked on hers as if to say, “There you are, sweet mom who has been carrying me. I wondered what you looked like. I love you.”

The entire weekend opened the old memory boxes in my mind from 1990 when I had my first baby, Kimberly. How surreal to be the ones waiting from across the room (Nathanael’s mom, Maureen, and I), the ones not feeling the contractions but watching with rapt attention each one being drawn out in jaggedy rising and falling lines on the screen over Kimmi’s bed. How truly wonderful to sit and ponder the miracle of life, of a woman carrying a living child, of the baby’s journey from that warm, safe haven out into the world.

We already knew the baby was a boy, and his name was Ezra. The sound of his heartbeat swished along all day on the monitor, our constant companion and reminder there was a little one involved in this labor whom we couldn’t see yet but was absolutely real and alive and amazing.  Psalm 139 played over and over in my head:

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God…”

During the early part of the day and into early afternoon, our time was spent visiting and laughing with Nathanael and Kimmi, as the epidural had done its work and the contractions swelled along without bothering her much.  But as evening approached, I noticed Kimmi getting really quiet and realized she was feeling them. The medicine wasn’t masking the pain as much anymore and so the labor became true to its name.

Sitting across the room, remembering how those contractions feel, I was aching for it to be over for her. Of course, I was helpless to make the pain go away or make things progress any more quickly. It was all part of the process. She didn’t speak much, only what was really necessary. Ezra’s heartbeat kept swishing away, the sun went down and the lights were dim. Nathanael sat on a rolling stool by Kimmi’s bed, holding her hand, sometimes bending down to kiss her cheek, quietly watching the contractions and baby’s heart rate on the monitor.

That image of the two of them in those hours is imprinted in my memory. I saw Kimmi’s husband being her comfort, strength, and more. They are becoming a family, these three, I thought to myself. There were many times when I got to comfort young Kimmi, watch over her, be there for her, and so forth, but now she will more often turn to Nathanael and they will figure things out together. As it should be.

It’s a new chapter of their lives and in ours. Life keeps moving through seasons, bringing change upon change, and we’d do best to roll with it and accept things as they come. Though I’m still a mom, now I’m also a grandma! And, oh my goodness, how I love that little baby boy. As I pray for Ezra and his mom and dad, I will keep trusting God to watch over all three of them as He always has. I get to love on them and watch from my place, but God will lead them and write the story of their sweet family for them.

And that is as it should be.

Didn’t see it coming

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10 years ago, on the morning of September 11, 2001, hundreds of people went to work or about their morning routine in the city like they did every other day.  They didn’t know terror and tragedy were on the way, or that they would soon face death.  They didn’t see it coming.

8 years ago, on the afternoon of September 8, 2003, I received a cancer diagnosis from my surgeon.  I felt fine and had no unusual symptoms besides a small lump in my breast.  I didn’t see that coming, for sure.

About a month ago, here in town, a young couple riding on their motorcycle on a beautiful sunny afternoon was crushed between two SUVs because the driver coming up behind them at an intersection was intoxicated.  They left behind small children and many shocked, saddened family and friends.  They certainly didn’t know that was going to happen.

I could list story after story and we’ve all heard it before:  none of us knows what will happen tomorrow, or even in the next hour.   Time is far more precious than we usually realize or remember.  Just reminding you as I remind myself.

Kind of makes the silly things I get upset about trivial and ridiculous:  like the self-checkout clerk being a bit too chatty and helpful Continue reading →

We really are so much the same

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She could barely keep two feet on the ground as her mom paid the bill and made the next appointment.  She giggled with a grin so wide I could see practically all her teeth, and bounced up and down on her toes, looking all around excitedly.  This girl exuded joy!  Why?  She had just gotten her new hearing aids and could hear everything more clearly than ever before.  She had been nervous and hesitant, not knowing what it would be like, but I could tell she was glad she decided to give them a go.  Watching her was so much fun.  I felt buoyed up by her happiness. I joined in the fun, rustling my papers and clicking the keyboard, “Can you hear this?”  “Yes!” she exclaimed with bright, happy eyes.  It was easy to laugh and smile with her and her mom.

I remember getting my first pair of glasses as a 2nd grader and being able to see details, tree branches outside, and that there were actually things and people in the distance instead of a bunch of blurs.  I remember Christmas mornings with my brother and sister, family vacations, my first real kiss, falling in love with John, having our baby girls, and so many more of those moments that made me want to bounce on my toes and not stop grinning.

Then there was the patient who came out after getting not so encouraging test results.   Continue reading →

Learning, learning

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It always hurts – those times when God holds up His mirror to show me something in myself that isn’t part of who He made me to be.  I had a critical attitude about something/someone last week and then found myself Sunday doing the very thing I was critical about.

I heard God’s voice loud and clear, reminding me not to judge others, to be concerned with my own self, to be patient even when I don’t feel patient, and to always extend grace to other people because none of us is perfect.

I had to confess quietly, sitting on the piano bench at church, because the worship service was starting.  I was already pretty ashamed of myself.  Then, as it always seems to happen with God’s teaching and molding of me, the sermon happened to be about being crucified with Christ.  Of course.   Continue reading →

Not just bread

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I’ve only been fishing once but would love to learn and try it again sometime.  From what I understand fish pretty much think about one thing: eating.  That’s about the sum of their life, looking for food and eating it.  The problem is there are these humans who toss out lures on fishing lines that dangle and float in the water.  They look like food but inside is a hook that, unbeknownst to the fish, will ensnare it and begin reeling it in to become dinner.

There are lots of lures in this life:  things, people, entertainment, pastimes, hobbies, habits, and more that appear good on the outside but inside is a hook, a trap.  If we bite, it could little by little pull us away from God, from our true purpose, from real and fulfilling life.

I have to admit, I’ve been biting some.  Yesterday in church John brought a great message about Jesus being tempted by satan to turn stone into bread when he was famished and weak.  Jesus saw the hook in satan’s lure and didn’t bite.  Instead He answered back, “Man doesn’t live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from God’s mouth.” (Matthew 4:4)  Bread isn’t a bad thing, but if it were to become the priority over Jesus’ obedience to God and perseverance through testing, it would have pulled him away from his true purpose and mission.

I let busy stuff, facebook, the Internet, messing around, housework, yard work, texting or playing with my phone, and more distract me and fill my day.  Soon it’s time to go to bed and I’ve not cracked open my Bible or spent time just sitting with God in prayer.  I feel empty, restless and frustrated with myself.

God reminded me yesterday in church that I don’t have to bite, that I can resist with His help and stay close to Him.  I can be free and walk the path God has for me without getting pulled this way and that.

So, I’m giving up bread until Easter, just to practice discipline and to remind myself each time I want bread that I don’t live by that alone.  I live by the time I spend with God, by the love and grace He gives me, by my relationship with Him and nearness to Him.  He is my nourishment and sustaining life.  I can’t expect to walk in spiritual health if I only call on Him on Sundays or once a while in “microwave” prayer times.

Yep, it was only our third Sunday at church and the pastor’s wife went to the altar.  Hey, I can be as weak sometimes as the next person even though I don’t want to be.

Papa, remind me of true life, of your purpose for me.  Help me walk in it and walk closer to You.  I crave that more than any other earthly thing.