Tag Archives: unconditional love

My hope is in God

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It’s dark and blustery outside.  I think a storm is blowing in, and I love to be inside, cozy and dry, and hear it raining and gusting outside.  The room is dimly lit by the computer screen and warm glow of the desk lamp.  There’s no sound except the very quiet humming of my Mac, and an occasional clunk or clank or the jeans in the dryer downstairs.  My head is pounding, partly from tiredness, partly from the way I have to tilt my head a little these days when looking at the computer screen (blast these older eyes).

God spoke to me tonight.  He broke through the cacophony in my brain, the pressing to-do list that always seems to be scrolling through my mind like the moving lights of a marquee.  While reading some wise words from a friend’s blog, realization struck and pent-up tears spilled out.  Quick aside: my nature always wants to know what’s going to happen, always strives for harmony and good endings, and always wants to be a part of that happening.  In other words, I have control issues.

Okay, back to God speaking to me.  I say all the time to those around me how I try to replace fear with faith, how I trust God to care for my loved ones (more specifically, my daughters).  I have been trying to let go, but realize my subconscious keeps going back to trying to control the decisions and actions of someone I love (which is silly, of course, because the only one I can control is myself and even then I don’t bat 1000).

My friend shared, in the blog post I read, that instead of obsessing or focusing on my hope for my daughter to make choices I think are good, or to grow closer to Jesus, I need to just let go.  Being so concerned about it, letting my thoughts of her and even prayers for her occupy so much of my energy can be a problem.  It can become an idol, distracting me and keeping me from hoping in GOD, from my personal closeness to Him.

My job is at this point is to just love her unconditionally.  When I shared this with John, he said, “That’s what God does with us.”  He doesn’t force us to choose one way or another, He just keeps loving us.  I know He hopes we will choose wisely and choose His way, but He lets us choose and just loves.

Like my sister has said to me often, I can’t live my daughter’s life.  She is living it.  But I need to live my life!  I need to keep my hope in Jesus, to keep seeking after Him with all my heart, to get as close to Him as I possibly can and stay there.

I will still pray for my girls, of course!  I can still hope my daughters will choose love, will choose God’s way, will make healthy choices, but I have to let go and let them choose.  God will help and guide them, as they let Him.  My hope is really in Him.

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him. – Psalm 62:5

The blog I referenced is “Hope for Hurting Parents” by Dena Yohe

Sometimes a mom needs her mom (and dad)

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I found this picture in a stack of pictures from my grandmother’s apartment a few years ago, the day we cleaned everything out.  She had gone to heaven that week and we had the bittersweet job of sorting through memories and belongings to find what was worth treasuring and keeping.  I had forgotten about it until I was looking for photos a few weeks ago to create an anniversary slide show for my parents.

I love this picture.  For some reason it comforts me.  That little baby is me, of course, with legs so chubby the rolls could cut off my mom’s finger circulation if she didn’t watch out.  I look concerned don’t I? And what am I looking at?  Meanwhile my parents are both smiling and looking content.   They had it rough at times those first few years of marriage with hardly enough to live on, but made it through and brought me along for the adventure.  Even though I’m now grown with college and high school kids of my own, I still feel like that little one sometimes.  The last few years have been fraught with ups and downs and plenty of concerns but my parents’ steady faith in God has encouraged me.  I still need my mom and dad’s hugs and unconditional love.  I even need their parental pats on the back now and then, to know they’re pleased with me.  I know they pray faithfully for me and my family and it’s because their hearts are truly heavy when we hurt and joyful when we celebrate.  They look so young in this photo.  Time has changed that (thank goodness my dad doesn’t have those shorts anymore) but it hasn’t changed the impact of the role they play in my life.

This past weekend I got to spend time with them by myself – just me and my mom and dad.  It was really fun, really easy, and really special.  I don’t want to take one visit for granted.

When I look at this picture I feel their love still holding me, their prayers and support wrapped around me keeping me up.  How could I ever tell them how much they mean to me?