I don’t know if you’ve heard of the Enneagram or what you think about it’s worth/value, but I have gained a lot of insight into what often “drives” my heart and mind or the heart of mind of some of my friends and family.

According to the Enneagram, I’m a 9 and 9’s are called the “peacemakers.” That sounds very noble, but mostly means I value inner peace and harmony and fear loss of connection with others. I am by nature a conflict-avoider. I want people to get along partly because I care but also partly so it doesn’t cause me inner turmoil (real talk).

I tend to merge with others in decision-making to keep the peace or even “go to sleep” to my own desires and opinions to avoid the discomfort of tension between me and someone else. Anyone out there feeling me in this? Other 9s in the room?

So, in our culture of social media, increasingly sharp, polarizing opinions, and the reality that many are giving up altogether on relationships when there’s disagreement about something, my little mind and heart that crave “all is well” have really struggled to stay engaged.

Lately, I feel God inviting me to grow in the area of investing in and even thriving in relationships with people even when there is conflict.

I’m not talking about overt arguing. I can experience inner conflict and anxiety worrying what they might think of me because I don’t jive with everything they do or anticipating the awkward tension that might happen in interactions. It’s time to let that stuff go!

Walking with people, even if it gets uncomfortable, is so much more valuable than walking alone. We need each other. Loving was never described as easy or comfortable by Jesus. He knew people’s hearts and what they were thinking and he still loved them! He chose Judas as one of his followers and walked/lived with him for a few years, even though he knew Judas would ultimately betray him. That’s amazing. Talk about inner discomfort!

Are we willing to closely walk with a friend through uncertain territory or pain, or in places where we don’t see eye to eye on everything, to express to them “I care about YOU so it doesn’t matter one whit if it gets uncomfortable”?

Of course, to openly share an opposing view, admit I’m on the other “side”, or disagree with someone can be intimidating. It’s risky. I have to trust and hope my friends are willing to stick it out with me if I do that. I fear rejection/loss of connection, but I don’t want to be driven by that fear.

Do we have to agree on everything to love each other? Nope. That’s not realistic. And to be honest, rather boring! We will never learn anything if we’re never challenged or questioned or made to think about why we believe what we believe in the first place. We will never learn anything if we don’t ask people questions when they oppose us to learn more about them or gain a broader perspective.

It goes without saying that we have to interact with respect, kindness, and genuine curiosity, not attacking, accusing or judging.

I’ve had some eye-opening conversations recently with friends (and even my husband) regarding topics on which we don’t agree 100%. Holy Spirit has pointed out to me that I sometimes jump to conclusions or generalize about others when I haven’t taken time to look at all the facts, listen, or consider another side.

The other person’s words might make me feel hurt, angry or defensive momentarily, but if I wait for that emotion to pass and think about what they said, I always learn something. And of course, if hurtfulness happens between us, we should talk about it openly and work to keep hold of each other’s hands. The relationship is WORTH it. There’s a saying, “Nothing worth having comes easy.”

I’ve found the relationships in which we determine to stay side by side through moments of tension, misunderstandings, hard things, or even unresolved issues – those relationships are richer, deeper, closer and stronger than the “always comfortable” ones.

My sister told me she thinks God uses those moments of relational discomfort as friction to refine us and help us grow to be more like Jesus. Exactly! There’s a scripture that says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” (Proverbs 27:17) It does not say, “Cotton ball sharpens cotton ball.”

Jesus showed us in the way he lived and died that the goal in this earthly life is not comfort, but sacrificially serving and loving people by laying down our lives for them. Come what may.

I know I will have to remind myself of these things. We can remind each other! People and relationships are worth remaining steadfast together through ouchy or hard stuff that happens along the way.

It seems comfort is overrated.