Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

Not that I want to go there again…

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Last year was fraught with stress, pressure, hurt, questions, doubts, frustrations…you name it!  In fact the last few years for us were pretty stressful in one way or another and brought some disappointments here and there.  That’s the way it is for everyone, I know, it just seemed to be ultra concentrated for a while.  My heart was gasping for God like suffocating lungs for oxygen.  I had to hear His voice, tried to find Him day after day and be near Him.

In this new chapter of life we’ve just started many of those pressures have been relieved.  Life feels a little easier right now.  The only problem is, how do I stay so intimately connected to God like I was before?  It seems I searched for Him more fervently when I didn’t know where the resources to meet our needs in each day were coming from or when I felt so at a loss for solutions that I simply fell into Him in hope that He had them ready.

It’s not like I want to go back, no, no, no, Continue reading →

Root Canal Spirituality

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If you know me, you expect me to draw some lesson or ponderings from my root canal experience last week, some correlation with my faith.  But, of course!  Far be it for me to disappoint.

The whole reason for my root canal was a dead tooth with an abscessed root.  That is just plain nasty.  Infection set in and caused pain so I finally took action.  There was definitely a problem that needed fixing or I would keep hurting and possibly even face more serious problems.

I went to an expert, a man who’s gone to years of schooling and obviously had lots of practice already performing this endodontic feat of fantastic-ness.  He was quick, confident, and kind and I felt I could trust him right away.  He knew what he was talking about and what he was doing.

His assistant was just as sharp, right there with every tool he needed at the right time.  They worked together like clockwork, in tandem, to finish the job for me and get me all fixed up.

There were a few foibles, like one time the assistant accidentally dropped a tool and they had to get a clean one.  Then a particular tool kept malfunctioning and causing him to have to repeat small steps until he got a replacement that worked properly.

I was wishing I could watch the whole procedure from their point of view, Continue reading →

Good Scars

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She said she’s going to get a tattoo that says “Beauty from pain” on her forearm where she has a few scars.  The scars remind her of a not so great choice she made last year and each time she looks at them, she told me, she thinks about what she did.  The scars were like tightly bound, rough ropes that kept her tethered to shame.  She would see them and berate herself all over again for cutting her arm in a moment of deep hurt and loneliness.  I think it did break one of those binding ropes when she told me about it, which she had put off doing for a while.  God was healing her one step at a time.

As she talked about it with me and how she wanted to replace those scars with a positive message, I told her that the scars are not all bad.  They will fade in time, but instead of bringing up shame or disgust with herself for something she feels was a mistake, they could remind her of all God has done for her and is doing right now to help her grow, heal her heart, and use her to encourage other people.  She has good scars.

I remembered back to 2003 when I was recovering from a mastectomy and looked at myself in the mirror for the first time without bandages.   Continue reading →

That’s not my job

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From time to time, over the last 30 or so years I’ve looked at my reflection in the mirror God holds up for me.  Looking back at me I see, along with other things, a perfectionistic people pleaser wearing some pride and insecurity.  Turns out that’s not a great combination.  In fact, it’s been the cause of several tough lessons for me, all of which I think are finally really sinking in.

Allow me to illustrate.  My husband is a minister and we have served in three churches, currently pastoring number four, over the last 15 years or so.  Pastoral ministry has brought wonderful rewards but being a pastor’s wife always seemed to drain me of all emotional and sometimes spiritual energy.  Like burn-out drain, even depression.

I thought for a while that was just how ministry is, but I’ve learned I was actually making it harder by doing something I thought was helping.  I would see things I thought my hubby should do or ways he shoud act, because of course I knew best, and would urge him (sometimes almost nag) him to do those things.  They were usually people-related because I was trying to avoid conflict and keep everyone happy.  I would feel stress if I thought someone didn’t like John or what he was doing, or how he was carrying out ministry.  Exhausting!  Seriously.

In the year between leaving church #3 and coming here, one thing became crystal clear: Continue reading →

Thank God, I’m not the One

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“The Afters” sing a great song about how it’s a good thing we’re not God, we’re not the Savior of the world because we couldn’t do, wouldn’t do all that He does for mankind.  He shows mercy when we would just as soon write someone off for ticking us off.  He loves even when we turn our backs on Him, spit in His face in anger or shrug in apathy.  He forgives when we tend to hold grudges.  He gives second, third, fourth, fifteenth, and hundredth chances when we give up on people after a few offenses.

Thank God, I’m not the one!  The world would be in trouble with such a fickle, weak, limited deliverer.  There is a God and it’s not me.  Or you. Continue reading →

He looks in love

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In this life, I’ll never be able to comprehend how God can know each person on this earth intimately and be involved in each life.  He has plans for each and every one.  He hears every prayer.  He sees each heart, however full of light or darkened still in shadows.

How did He create the universe, which keeps spreading out and expanding into space? Where is the edge of that space? How does He create each and every person uniquely different from all others who live or have lived?

There are just some things beyond our human understanding.  A big part of believing in God and following Jesus is accepting the mystery of who He is.  I do believe with every one of my brain cells and all my heart that He is good.  He sees every one of us and He looks in love.

I work in a doctor’s office and encounter all sorts of people every day – from babies to the elderly, thriving or barely making it, happy or crabby, you name it.

The other day a very thin woman and her husband walked slowly and quietly to the check out desk after seeing the doctor.   Continue reading →

Known

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I’m thinking today about knowing others and being known.

I may know your face.  You look familiar.

I may know your name.

I may know about your family, your job, and where you live.

I may know what type of music or movies you like, or what books you read.

I may know what you’re good at doing.

I may know whether you like being with people or alone.

I may know what makes you angry, what makes you truly happy, and what matters most to you. Continue reading →

A time for tears

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For everything there is a season,
      a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
      A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
      A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
      A time to grieve and a time to dance.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Tears have many purposes and fulfill their purposes in countless different circumstances.  They mysteriously express for us the overflow of our hearts and somehow relieve pressure that has built up inside, whether gradual or sudden.

Saturday I was privileged to participate in the Race for the Cure again, this time walking with a new friend who is a new survivor.  Being a part of that day is always really interesting and often moving.  There are so many stories represented by the people walking.   Some are celebrating, some are mourning, some are rejoicing over beating the disease, some are proudly walking in memory of someone they loved who bravely fought but succumbed.  Many of them pin papers to the backs of their shirts that express their reason for walking:  “I walk in celebration of my mom, a 10 year survivor” or “I celebrate life” or “I walk in memory of my sister” and so on with hundreds of different messages and reasons.  One said “I celebrate ME.”  Glad to be alive, we are, all of us wearing those pink t-shirts.  This day always serves as a reminder of how blessed we are and always fills me with gratitude to God.  Tears filled my eyes as I silently spoke to God in my heart, “Thank you, God!  Thank you for sparing me and allowing me to live.”  Then there are questions that sometimes come, too, “Why was I so blessed to live?”  I don’t want to take one day for granted.

During an inspirational song at the beginning of the day, Continue reading →

The Distinguished Order of Mommies

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Nothing has altered, blessed, challenged, rewarded, or complicated my life as much as being a mom.  When I was very young and playing house it all seemed pretty simple.  Of course the baby was inanimate, silent and plastic and the laundry and dishes invisible.  Little did I know all that actually comes with motherhood.

When our first baby finally made her debut, I clearly remember feeling awe, joy and a sense of accomplishment.  I had just completed Childbirth 101 and passed the final.  I had just joined an enormous group of women who had done the same since the beginning of time.  I was now a member of a very important and distinguished group: mommies.

Moms give of themselves 24/7, usually without a second thought.  My mom still gives to me.  Even though our relationship has changed she is often still the giver.  She gives counsel, a listening ear, a joyful cheer when something good happens, friendship, support, unconditional love and more.  She doesn’t seem to mind that our relationship is still a little lop-sided at times.

I remember so clearly the first time I called her, when I was a young mom, to apologize for the way I acted when I was little.  Continue reading →

This Day

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I stand on the threshold of this new day, door wide open, sun is shining, the path looks inviting today.  I can run on out and get started on my own but I’m waiting.  God, Papa, promised to go with me.

When I take His hand peace fills me up, love from the bottoms of my feet to the tips of my fingers and top of my head.  He becomes my energy and strength.  I look up at Him and smile.  We step out of the doorway and into this day.

Just being near Him is life-changing; His presence radiates and I’m caught in the glow.  I start to resemble Him more as we walk that way, talking, sharing the experiences of this day’s path together.

I keep His pace when He’s holding my hand.  I find that I’m not preoccupied with what’s ahead, I’m just glad to be with Him, minute by minute, hour by hour.

He gives me strength, the words to say when we encounter other travelers, His unselfish love (much better than my own shallow love), compassion, joy.  Sometimes we just start singing spontaneously.

This is the indescribable joy of living in relationship with Him.  He is with me.  I am with Him.

I wouldn’t want to live this day any other way.