Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

If I got a tattoo

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I know what it would have to say:  “It’s not about you.”

What is this constant, nagging, sneaky and subtle need we have to focus on ourselves?  It seems I work hard not to and ask God to help me put self aside and no sooner think I’ve made progress than I notice I’m thinking about myself again…or giving myself credit, or assuming something is up to me that is actually up to Him.

It’s one of those long-as-life projects, I think, and it’s not really my project.  It’s God’s.

I would probably benefit from having a tattoo that reminded me of this crucial truth every time I saw it.  Maybe it would be best across my forehead, backward so that when I looked in the mirror I could read it and remember.

It’s not that I should hate myself, or berate myself.  It’s not that I should think of myself as a loser, though sometimes I do. Continue reading →

I know

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I know God is able, but it’s still sometimes hard to completely trust.

I know He’s done amazing things for you in the past, but it’s still hard to not give in to fear and frustration especially after the last few tough years you’ve made it through.

I know I just blogged about life being easy and wondering how I was going to stay desperate for God – I wasn’t asking for trouble I promise, but I’m definitely feeling desperate for Him right now.

I see so many good things God has done for others I love and it gives me hope, but it’s still hard to watch you be confused, angry, stressed, down or restless…especially when you refuse help.  That actually makes me angry, if I’m honest.

I know you think you’ll figure it out on your own, that you’re tough and will make it through, but it’s harder than you know and you need Jesus to help.  Trust me.

I know you feel like your life sucks, but you should see all the good things and people in your life that I see.

I know you think that you need certain people or a certain someone to make you happy, but you won’t find that fulfillment and peace in a person, it only really comes from God.  Until you give in to that truth, you will be stuck in this aggravating wilderness you see all around you.

I know you think I’m annoying and a broken record, but someday when you’re a parent you’ll understand.  I kind of wish you could understand right now.

I know you think you can predict everything I’m going to say and everything I’m thinking.  The biggest thing I’m thinking is that I love you and want you to be whole.

I need to get back to what I really know and not what I feel because what I feel is anger, frustration, and anxiety.  I evidently need to spend more time with God.  I need His perfect love to flood in and push out those feelings and worries.

I know God is able.  I know He’s good.

I know He knows you better than anyone and knows the way to lead you through.   He loves you even more than I do.

I know You’re sensitive to Him and hear Him because I’ve seen that happen in the past.

I know He’s stronger than you and your stubborn will.  I know He gave you that will for a reason and can shape your heart so that every part of your character is used for good.

I need to zoom out and get perspective.  You probably should, too.  This is not the end of the world.  We need to fly up above emotions, up into the free and airy space of faith and hope, up into God’s arms that have always been there, always open and ready to give refuge.

You really don’t know how much I love you.  But I know.

 

Not that I want to go there again…

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Last year was fraught with stress, pressure, hurt, questions, doubts, frustrations…you name it!  In fact the last few years for us were pretty stressful in one way or another and brought some disappointments here and there.  That’s the way it is for everyone, I know, it just seemed to be ultra concentrated for a while.  My heart was gasping for God like suffocating lungs for oxygen.  I had to hear His voice, tried to find Him day after day and be near Him.

In this new chapter of life we’ve just started many of those pressures have been relieved.  Life feels a little easier right now.  The only problem is, how do I stay so intimately connected to God like I was before?  It seems I searched for Him more fervently when I didn’t know where the resources to meet our needs in each day were coming from or when I felt so at a loss for solutions that I simply fell into Him in hope that He had them ready.

It’s not like I want to go back, no, no, no, Continue reading →

Root Canal Spirituality

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If you know me, you expect me to draw some lesson or ponderings from my root canal experience last week, some correlation with my faith.  But, of course!  Far be it for me to disappoint.

The whole reason for my root canal was a dead tooth with an abscessed root.  That is just plain nasty.  Infection set in and caused pain so I finally took action.  There was definitely a problem that needed fixing or I would keep hurting and possibly even face more serious problems.

I went to an expert, a man who’s gone to years of schooling and obviously had lots of practice already performing this endodontic feat of fantastic-ness.  He was quick, confident, and kind and I felt I could trust him right away.  He knew what he was talking about and what he was doing.

His assistant was just as sharp, right there with every tool he needed at the right time.  They worked together like clockwork, in tandem, to finish the job for me and get me all fixed up.

There were a few foibles, like one time the assistant accidentally dropped a tool and they had to get a clean one.  Then a particular tool kept malfunctioning and causing him to have to repeat small steps until he got a replacement that worked properly.

I was wishing I could watch the whole procedure from their point of view, Continue reading →

Good Scars

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She said she’s going to get a tattoo that says “Beauty from pain” on her forearm where she has a few scars.  The scars remind her of a not so great choice she made last year and each time she looks at them, she told me, she thinks about what she did.  The scars were like tightly bound, rough ropes that kept her tethered to shame.  She would see them and berate herself all over again for cutting her arm in a moment of deep hurt and loneliness.  I think it did break one of those binding ropes when she told me about it, which she had put off doing for a while.  God was healing her one step at a time.

As she talked about it with me and how she wanted to replace those scars with a positive message, I told her that the scars are not all bad.  They will fade in time, but instead of bringing up shame or disgust with herself for something she feels was a mistake, they could remind her of all God has done for her and is doing right now to help her grow, heal her heart, and use her to encourage other people.  She has good scars.

I remembered back to 2003 when I was recovering from a mastectomy and looked at myself in the mirror for the first time without bandages.   Continue reading →

That’s not my job

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From time to time, over the last 30 or so years I’ve looked at my reflection in the mirror God holds up for me.  Looking back at me I see, along with other things, a perfectionistic people pleaser wearing some pride and insecurity.  Turns out that’s not a great combination.  In fact, it’s been the cause of several tough lessons for me, all of which I think are finally really sinking in.

Allow me to illustrate.  My husband is a minister and we have served in three churches, currently pastoring number four, over the last 15 years or so.  Pastoral ministry has brought wonderful rewards but being a pastor’s wife always seemed to drain me of all emotional and sometimes spiritual energy.  Like burn-out drain, even depression.

I thought for a while that was just how ministry is, but I’ve learned I was actually making it harder by doing something I thought was helping.  I would see things I thought my hubby should do or ways he shoud act, because of course I knew best, and would urge him (sometimes almost nag) him to do those things.  They were usually people-related because I was trying to avoid conflict and keep everyone happy.  I would feel stress if I thought someone didn’t like John or what he was doing, or how he was carrying out ministry.  Exhausting!  Seriously.

In the year between leaving church #3 and coming here, one thing became crystal clear: Continue reading →

Thank God, I’m not the One

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“The Afters” sing a great song about how it’s a good thing we’re not God, we’re not the Savior of the world because we couldn’t do, wouldn’t do all that He does for mankind.  He shows mercy when we would just as soon write someone off for ticking us off.  He loves even when we turn our backs on Him, spit in His face in anger or shrug in apathy.  He forgives when we tend to hold grudges.  He gives second, third, fourth, fifteenth, and hundredth chances when we give up on people after a few offenses.

Thank God, I’m not the one!  The world would be in trouble with such a fickle, weak, limited deliverer.  There is a God and it’s not me.  Or you. Continue reading →

He looks in love

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In this life, I’ll never be able to comprehend how God can know each person on this earth intimately and be involved in each life.  He has plans for each and every one.  He hears every prayer.  He sees each heart, however full of light or darkened still in shadows.

How did He create the universe, which keeps spreading out and expanding into space? Where is the edge of that space? How does He create each and every person uniquely different from all others who live or have lived?

There are just some things beyond our human understanding.  A big part of believing in God and following Jesus is accepting the mystery of who He is.  I do believe with every one of my brain cells and all my heart that He is good.  He sees every one of us and He looks in love.

I work in a doctor’s office and encounter all sorts of people every day – from babies to the elderly, thriving or barely making it, happy or crabby, you name it.

The other day a very thin woman and her husband walked slowly and quietly to the check out desk after seeing the doctor.   Continue reading →

Known

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I’m thinking today about knowing others and being known.

I may know your face.  You look familiar.

I may know your name.

I may know about your family, your job, and where you live.

I may know what type of music or movies you like, or what books you read.

I may know what you’re good at doing.

I may know whether you like being with people or alone.

I may know what makes you angry, what makes you truly happy, and what matters most to you. Continue reading →

A time for tears

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For everything there is a season,
      a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
      A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
      A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
      A time to grieve and a time to dance.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Tears have many purposes and fulfill their purposes in countless different circumstances.  They mysteriously express for us the overflow of our hearts and somehow relieve pressure that has built up inside, whether gradual or sudden.

Saturday I was privileged to participate in the Race for the Cure again, this time walking with a new friend who is a new survivor.  Being a part of that day is always really interesting and often moving.  There are so many stories represented by the people walking.   Some are celebrating, some are mourning, some are rejoicing over beating the disease, some are proudly walking in memory of someone they loved who bravely fought but succumbed.  Many of them pin papers to the backs of their shirts that express their reason for walking:  “I walk in celebration of my mom, a 10 year survivor” or “I celebrate life” or “I walk in memory of my sister” and so on with hundreds of different messages and reasons.  One said “I celebrate ME.”  Glad to be alive, we are, all of us wearing those pink t-shirts.  This day always serves as a reminder of how blessed we are and always fills me with gratitude to God.  Tears filled my eyes as I silently spoke to God in my heart, “Thank you, God!  Thank you for sparing me and allowing me to live.”  Then there are questions that sometimes come, too, “Why was I so blessed to live?”  I don’t want to take one day for granted.

During an inspirational song at the beginning of the day, Continue reading →