Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

Where does my help come from?

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I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord…  Psalm 121:1-2

Fear comes in all sorts of packages and at all kinds of different times.  I’m afraid I’m a bit of a worrier.  I don’t want to be and it’s embarrassing to admit that, but it’s true.  That worry is actually fear in disguise.

I’m the type of person who really wants to know what’s going to happen, how and when.  I try to be spontaneous but my nature is most comfortable in structure, knowing what’s expected of me, having a plan – you know.

Living a life with Jesus requires me to step out of that comfortable place a lot.  Living in general causes me to step out.  Continue reading →

I hear Him singing

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There have been many times in this past year when I couldn’t really hear it…times when I almost scoffed at the thought of him singing at all.  Every now and then I thought I heard it, like a brief break in dark, gray clouds that reveals a small patch of blue sky and sunshine that is soon covered by the heavy grayness again.

Sometimes the noise of the wind gusting around me was so loud the melody was faint and far away as I strained to hear it, needing some reassurance or direction.  Sometimes I found myself feeling isolated in a wide and desolate place where the silence is deafening and terrifying.  I asked Him in those difficult moments, “Do you really still delight in me?  Have you forgotten where I am?”

I have to admit there have been times I was angry with Him so I sat down and put my fingers in my ears.  I’m not proud of that, but it’s true.  I was having a hard time believing his song.

He’s proven to me over and over that He never stops singing the song of his unconditional, faithful, and real love.  Nothing lifts my heart and lightens the weight of burdens on my back like the sound of the breathtaking, soaring melody of God’s song as He sings it over me.  When I do hear it, I’m reminded of my place in his family and his heart.  I’m reminded of the undeserved grace He’s given me.  I’m reminded of all that I should be thankful for.

In Zephaniah 3:17 it says,

For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

In these last few weeks I’ve heard Him clearly – loud, triumphant, a fierce love in His voice that is unmistakable.  It bowls me over and then lifts me up.  He really is delighted to lavishly love us and take care of us, to save us.  He really does sing over our lives without ceasing, sometimes faintly and tenderly, sometimes strong.

I hear Him singing…

Jealous God

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I remember hearing years ago about Oprah’s turning away from mainline Christian faith into her confusing mixture of new age beliefs.  She was sitting in church and heard the preacher say something about God being a jealous God.  She thought to herself that if God was jealous of her, what kind of insecure god is that?  She ventured away from traditional views of God and into a nebulous tangle of self-deifying thinking.

I think she misunderstood.  I agree that the word jealous usually has negative connotations.  I was taught growing up that it’s not good to be jealous.  Someone should have told Oprah that God isn’t jealous of her as if He wants to be her, He is jealous of her attention.  He wants her heart and life to be centered on Him and not other things or people.

I caught a glimpse of what this means tonight.  I have these revelations in the oddest places in the strangest timing sometimes.  I was standing in a concert enjoying beautiful, awesome worship music with thousands of other enthusiastic people when I got clearer understanding about this.

I have some hurt over people in my life who have held me at arm’s length or refused my initiations at love or interaction.  When I see them react positively to others and not to me, I feel jealous.  I want that attention and love.  I felt God say that is how He has felt with me lately.

I have allowed myself to get caught up in busyness for a while now.  I’ve been restless and my prayer times have been short and kind of perfunctory.  I know that what I need and really want most is that nearness to God but I keep allowing other things take my attention and time away.  I don’t understand why I do it either and have felt very frustrated with myself.

Tonight I heard God tell me that He’s a jealous God and He wants my attention.  He doesn’t want me to hold Him at arm’s length, saying “later, God” or “I need to do this first” or “I want to give my attention to this instead.”

Can He forgive me for the fourteen-millionth time?  He said “Yes.”

Tonight at the concert Louie Giglio reminded us that extravagant worship happens when we are faced with God’s extravagant grace.  I fully agree.  When I remember my place and what God has done for me, His mercy and patience extended to me over and over again, the only reaction I can give with full sincerity is thankfulness and worship.

I prayed that the other relationship I long to have restored will be someday, but also that I will be thankful I have a jealous God who even notices I’m alive, much less wants me to spend time with Him and live in close relationship with Him.

9:57

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All I hear is the quiet hum of my computer and the steady purring of Rocky, the wonder cat, who just jumped into my lap and has now made himself comfortable resting his head on my arm.  I feel warm and dry while I hear wind blowing outside.  The walls are pretty bare, boxes everywhere, shelves empty.  It looks like someone’s moving or something.

While I sit here, at times I lean back and rest my head on the tall back of this old desk chair, trying to remember all those things I wanted to blog about during this week but never had the time.  Something about all the “lasts” of moving, how once you know you’re moving you start naming lasts:  this is the last time I eat here, the last time I see this friend, the last time I visit my hairstylist…last day of work and school…last rent payment…some of the lasts are kind of exciting but many of them are a little sad.

Of course there are firsts waiting for us in a few days.  Lots of those will be fun but some will be stressful and probably approached with some trepidation on our part:  first day at a new job or school, first time to visit a new doctor or dentist, first time at our new church, first time to live in a parsonage and have enough space to house a small army…first time to move to a new church without all three girls in tow…It’s all rather bittersweet.

It seems if the “lasts” take too long it begins to drain emotional energy and hurt, kind of like taking a band-aid off verrry slowly.  Part of you wants to just count to three, grit your teeth, and rip it off really fast.  There’s a sting but it’s over and done.

The overwhelming emotion in my heart hasn’t been sadness, though, it’s been thankfulness.  A thankfulness that is so overwhelming I can’t really describe it or express it.  A big chunk of that thankfulness is for people – the people in our life and the lives of our daughters.  God truly meant it when he said it wasn’t good for man, or any of us, to be alone and so he made lots of people and intends for us to travel this narrow path together.  It’s such a fantastic adventure and so much more satisfying when shared.

I’m thankful that God is so skilled at laying out plans and putting odd-shaped and broken pieces together that we look back over this year of what felt like turmoil and exhaustion and now see beauty, renewal, and promise.

It’s so nice and quiet, my eyes are getting heavy and I know I should go to bed.  Each night and day I find us closer to the end of the “lasts” with a faint glimpse of “firsts” up ahead.  In my mind a tug of war is being played, an eagerness mixed in with hesitancy, an odd in between, a tiredness.  I hear my pillow calling me to come and shut down for the night.  I’ll lay down, close my eyes, and sleep in peace knowing God’s keeping watch and He has everything under control.

At day’s end I’m ready for sound sleep,
For you, God, have put my life back together.  Psalm 4:8 The Msg

You are more

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define (verb) – 1. to state precisely the meaning of   2. to describe the nature, properties, or essential qualities of   3. to determine the boundary of extent of

Now that it’s been over seven years since I was declared cancer-free, not as many of my current friends know I’m a breast cancer survivor.  It was a big, glaring part of my life in 2003 when I was diagnosed and for several years afterward but then began to fade from the forefront of my thoughts.

I received lots of thoughtful and encouraging notes and cards from friends during my recovery from surgery but one that still stands out in my mind was from a friend I hadn’t heard from in years.  This friend had also battled cancer so her words carried extra weight.  The phrase she wrote that stood out like neon lights was Continue reading →

All together now

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It turns out you need both front tires of your car pointing the same direction if you want to go anywhere.  This morning, Krissy and I were attempting to back out of our parking space to go to school and work when the steering wheel started jiggling.  The car moved erratically and wasn’t doing what I wanted it to.  It veered back and forth and when I tried to drive forward it just sat there, with the steering wheel turning on its own and still jiggling while we began to smell hot rubber.  I hopped out to see what was wrong and saw that the front left tire was facing forward but the front right tire was turned sharply to the right.  Uh oh.  That can’t be good.  We had to get the car towed to the shop because that tire, for whatever reason, wasn’t responding to the steering wheel or the direction I was trying to drive.

I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately, probably because we have some big changes coming up soon for our family.  Even though change happens all around us all the time and is a part of life, we still resist it.  That tendency seems to be built into most people’s core.  We veer toward what is familiar, what we already know, what is comfortable or seems good from past experience.  What if Jesus is turning the steering wheel a different and new direction?  Especially when it comes to teams, families, churches, or other groups who say they have the same goal, all the people have to respond to the direction and turn the same way or no one is going anywhere.  Resisting or being stubborn can cause the whole endeavor to come to a swerving, smelling-like-hot-rubber halt or at least make it a hundred times more difficult for the other “tires” trying to move along.

Our daughter Krissy was a little like our wayward tire when we first started talking about moving a few months ago.  It’s understandable – it wasn’t in her plan, wasn’t her first choice, and didn’t seem comfortable.  Over time, however, I’ve watched as God made needed repairs and adjustments and helped her see that following His lead was the best plan.  Sunday, before John officially accepted the offer to move to another state to pastor a church, we asked her once more how she was feeling and what she was thinking.  She said it would be hard and we agreed with her.  Then she said, with some emotion, “But I feel like God has plans for me there.”  Our hearts swelled.  Our little tire was facing the same way as us again!  Now we can move forward as a family, letting Jesus steer.

If you’re facing changes and feeling resistant, ask God to repair your heart and attitude and help you not be the wayward tire.  You don’t want to hold up what God has in mind for your family, your church, your friends, do you?

The time is now

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It’s the reason I don’t sew my own clothes, or refinish furniture, or knit, or sew quilts.  It’s the reason I love my short haircut, my fast computer, and convenience stores.   It’s hard for me to have the patience needed for time-consuming, detailed tasks because if you want a good result, you have to take time to go through lots of steps and do each one carefully.  Or you have fewer steps but you have to do them over and over and over and over and over and…you get the idea.  I like to see progress more quickly, like when you paint a room or change shoes.  One step and voila!  Change and results!  Our fast-paced, want-things-in-an-instant society only contributes to this mentality of mine.  Maybe you struggle with it, too.

I remember as a little girl feeling impatient while my mom put curlers in my  hair on Saturday nights or when I went to the orthodontist as a teenager and nothing ever seemed to be simple or quick. Just finish and let me out of this chair!  I’ve got places to go and things to do, people.

I suppose I could sew clothes and all those types of projects and rush through but I’d probably get shabby results and ultimately be dissatisfied.

I was driving around this morning in the snow listening to one of my favorite worship artists, Phil Wickham.  One song in particular struck me and I think I’ll make it our family theme song for this year.  It’s called “The Time is Now” and it speaks of how it’s time to make a change, time to step out, time to march or dance into what God’s been preparing for us and preparing us for.  God has been working on us for a while now and when in the midst of things we feel like it will never end – the constant testing, chiseling, honing, refining, rebuking, and training.

I see now how it has all been to get us ready for the next chapter in our lives and it is so worth it.  I’ve learned, actually am still learning, to not complain when the process of being made more like Jesus takes so long.  After all, look at the raw material God is working with.  There’s a long way to go.  The beautiful truth is that God has all the patience needed to keep working on us, to keep lovingly drawing us back when we slip off the stool and try to wander away, to keep making us ready for what’s ahead.

If you’re in the midst of God working on you, feel like you’re getting an exhausting, comprehensive extreme makeover and it’s taking a long time, be encouraged!  When God finally lets you hop off the stool for a while because you’re ready for the next thing He has for you to do or be a part of, you’ll see it was worth the wait, the patience, the surrender and more.

I know we will always be getting back up on that stool from time to time, clay pots never really finished until we get to heaven someday, but for this next phase of life I hear God saying, “Ahh, you’re ready. It’s time!”

A gooder good?

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I heard it a few times throughout the weekend, God telling me that my definition of “good” wasn’t good enough.  I feel like He has been showing me and wants to keep showing me a deeper good than I’ve known in the past.  A different good.  A good not based on warm fuzzies or happy emotion, but on truth and purpose.  A good based on the peace and profound satisfaction that comes from knowing you’re in the place where the way God made you fits the need before you….just right.  No square pegs in round holes here.   Happiness is not necessarily the manifestation of this type of good, not always anyway.

I heard Him telling me most clearly as I sat in the room where the church council and leaders had gathered to hear John’s philosophy of ministry and ask him questions.  Throughout the day I had felt awkward at times, a little out-of-place at times, the typical stuff that happens when you’re in a group of complete strangers Continue reading →

From the inside out

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Snowpocalypse 2011, as it’s been called, is just about over it seems.  Two days and nights of a gigantic winter storm crossing more than 20 states with crazy sleet, freezing rain, snow and gusty winds have left everything outside covered in hard, icy white domes.  It took me about 45 minutes yesterday  morning to free my car’s windshield and windows enough to drive, about 30 minutes today.  Thankfully our little Ford Escort has a great heater/defroster and so once that started heating up my job started getting easier.  I can’t even imagine how long it would take to scrape the ice off without that warm air blowing on the glass from the inside.  I would probably give up and just go inside to wait for spring.

I had plenty of time to think as I scraped and thought about the cold that pelts us sometimes and how if we don’t have the warmth of God’s love inside it could become a tough-to-breakthrough shell all over our hearts.  Even though it still takes some time to be free of hurts, mistakes, troubles, etc. with God’s love and strength keeping the embers glowing inside we won’t be covered over forever.  It will most likely take some chipping away, scraping and sharp jabs, but it soon all falls away and we’re free to drive on.

God’s done that for me this year: freed me from some faulty thinking, hurts, questions, times of doubt, and even just plain tiredness that built up and coated my heart, making me feel trapped and unable to move.  Sometimes the warmth inside wasn’t really noticeable but I know it was always there, deep down.  I can see the last pieces starting to melt and little fissures appearing.  I’m free.  Let’s go!

Church is like Zumba

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My husband and daughters bought me the most thoughtful gift for Christmas.  They went above and beyond what we all agreed to do, chipped in and got me a set of Zumba DVDs because they know I love it so much.  I hadn’t been able to go to class for several months.  I’ve done a few of the workouts and they’re great, the guy who came up with it is one of the teachers and he’s a lot of fun.  I’m really glad to have them because if I can’t go to class, I can still shake the blues and chub away in our own family room.  Thanks to a surprise from a few of my Zumba buddies, I now have some free classes to use up so I went back this week, Tuesday and tonight.  I have to admit that nothing beats dancing off calories with about 125 other women in a big room with really loud music and fun live teachers.  Just being there with all of them energizes me.  No one is a pro.  Everyone is sweaty.  We all want to have fun, get fit and burn fat.  It’s awesome.

It got me thinking – that’s why I love church.  Not for sweat and burning fat, but for the camaraderie, the energy from being with others who are after the same thing, who love the same God, who want to be healthy and whole not only in their bodies, but mind and soul.  I’ve heard people say they don’t need church.   Continue reading →