Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

I hope God’s not picky

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That’s what a bumper sticker on the car in front of me this morning said.  My heart went out to whoever is thinking and/or wondering that.  Maybe it’s just to be funny but it also sounds like someone who wonders if they’re good enough to get God’s attention.  Is God picky?

If you read about Jesus in the Bible you can clearly see that as far as interacting with and accepting people Jesus was not picky.  In fact, according to some of the religious people of His day He wasn’t picky enough. Continue reading →

On the Receiving End

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I once had a friend who was gifted at giving.  She was immensely creative and would put lots of thought and time into the gifts she gave others.  Each year all of the ladies at church hoped she would draw their name for “secret sisters” because they knew fun and imaginative surprises would be coming their way.

There was only one problem:  she couldn’t receive gifts well.  It seemed when someone tried to do something for her she felt compelled to reciprocate right away, or even almost refuse saying “you don’t have to do that.”  Her responses popped the balloon of joy and love of the one trying to do something for her.  It was frustrating!  She could give but not receive.  It almost felt like a one-sided game of catch where someone throws a ball at you over and over but never let’s you throw one back. No fun.

This morning in my quiet time I was reminded that I usually act like my relationship with God is solely my doing or responsibility.  I must give and do and be for Him to please Him and show how much I love him by what I do, when He wants to love and give to me, too, and I need to receive.  I need to remember that I wouldn’t even have a relationship with Him if He hadn’t invited me and called me to Him.  He’s the initiator.  He loved me first. 

It seems a fine line to walk because the Bible talks about seeking God intentionally but also talks about accepting the gift of grace and an eternal kingdom as willingly and eagerly as a child. 

Living in relationship with my heavenly Father is part actively getting to know Him and loving Him, part sitting expectantly at His feet with open hands waiting to gladly receive something good from Him.  The depth and quality of our love and closeness doesn’t depend just on me. I’m so thankful for that!  Today I’m sitting, smiling, waiting on the receiving end.

Worth the Wait

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Why is it so hard to wait?  Is it because it’s hard for us to stop doing things and just be still?  It is because we’re not in control and have to rely on someone else to respond, do something or fulfill a request?  What are we in a hurry to do or where are we in a rush to go?

I’m a pretty patient person in most circumstances, but it’s still sometimes hard for me to wait.  I got lots of practice in the last few years and don’t want to forget the lessons I learned – lessons about perseverance, trust, sacrifices of praise, and surrender.

The Bible has much to say about waiting on God and all the good that can result.  Here are just some of the blessings that come from waiting on God:

  • Help – Psalm 40:1
  • Rescue – Psalm 59:9
  • Victory – Psalm 62:1
  • Answers – Psalm 38:9
  • God will work things out for those who wait – Isaiah 64:4
  • Fresh, renewed strength – Isaiah 40:31
  • Receive what God has promised – Hebrews 6:15, Romans 15:4
  • Justice – Job 35:14
  • Reward – Luke 12:37
  • Hope – Romans 8:25
  • God is good to those who wait – Lamentations 3:25-26
  • Awareness of God’s presence – Psalm 37:7

There are plenty of things we can do while we wait:  thank God for things and people and more, praise Him, talk about Him, read His word, think about Him, and sometimes just be completely quiet, letting our minds and hearts be at peace.

I like these lyrics from a song by Shane Barnard:

i will run when i cannot walk
i will sing when there is no song
i will pray when there is no prayer
i will listen when i cannot hear

sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet’s where You are

Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time’s from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silence
cause its all about You

Waiting is difficult because we are impatient people.  We want results and we want them now.  I find I even have this mentality sometimes when I sit down to have quiet time with God.  I want to hear him right away, I want a feeling or sensation of His presence and I forget that sometimes I just need to be patient.  I find that it is always worth the wait.

Not just bread

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I’ve only been fishing once but would love to learn and try it again sometime.  From what I understand fish pretty much think about one thing: eating.  That’s about the sum of their life, looking for food and eating it.  The problem is there are these humans who toss out lures on fishing lines that dangle and float in the water.  They look like food but inside is a hook that, unbeknownst to the fish, will ensnare it and begin reeling it in to become dinner.

There are lots of lures in this life:  things, people, entertainment, pastimes, hobbies, habits, and more that appear good on the outside but inside is a hook, a trap.  If we bite, it could little by little pull us away from God, from our true purpose, from real and fulfilling life.

I have to admit, I’ve been biting some.  Yesterday in church John brought a great message about Jesus being tempted by satan to turn stone into bread when he was famished and weak.  Jesus saw the hook in satan’s lure and didn’t bite.  Instead He answered back, “Man doesn’t live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from God’s mouth.” (Matthew 4:4)  Bread isn’t a bad thing, but if it were to become the priority over Jesus’ obedience to God and perseverance through testing, it would have pulled him away from his true purpose and mission.

I let busy stuff, facebook, the Internet, messing around, housework, yard work, texting or playing with my phone, and more distract me and fill my day.  Soon it’s time to go to bed and I’ve not cracked open my Bible or spent time just sitting with God in prayer.  I feel empty, restless and frustrated with myself.

God reminded me yesterday in church that I don’t have to bite, that I can resist with His help and stay close to Him.  I can be free and walk the path God has for me without getting pulled this way and that.

So, I’m giving up bread until Easter, just to practice discipline and to remind myself each time I want bread that I don’t live by that alone.  I live by the time I spend with God, by the love and grace He gives me, by my relationship with Him and nearness to Him.  He is my nourishment and sustaining life.  I can’t expect to walk in spiritual health if I only call on Him on Sundays or once a while in “microwave” prayer times.

Yep, it was only our third Sunday at church and the pastor’s wife went to the altar.  Hey, I can be as weak sometimes as the next person even though I don’t want to be.

Papa, remind me of true life, of your purpose for me.  Help me walk in it and walk closer to You.  I crave that more than any other earthly thing.

Where does my help come from?

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I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord…  Psalm 121:1-2

Fear comes in all sorts of packages and at all kinds of different times.  I’m afraid I’m a bit of a worrier.  I don’t want to be and it’s embarrassing to admit that, but it’s true.  That worry is actually fear in disguise.

I’m the type of person who really wants to know what’s going to happen, how and when.  I try to be spontaneous but my nature is most comfortable in structure, knowing what’s expected of me, having a plan – you know.

Living a life with Jesus requires me to step out of that comfortable place a lot.  Living in general causes me to step out.  Continue reading →

I hear Him singing

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There have been many times in this past year when I couldn’t really hear it…times when I almost scoffed at the thought of him singing at all.  Every now and then I thought I heard it, like a brief break in dark, gray clouds that reveals a small patch of blue sky and sunshine that is soon covered by the heavy grayness again.

Sometimes the noise of the wind gusting around me was so loud the melody was faint and far away as I strained to hear it, needing some reassurance or direction.  Sometimes I found myself feeling isolated in a wide and desolate place where the silence is deafening and terrifying.  I asked Him in those difficult moments, “Do you really still delight in me?  Have you forgotten where I am?”

I have to admit there have been times I was angry with Him so I sat down and put my fingers in my ears.  I’m not proud of that, but it’s true.  I was having a hard time believing his song.

He’s proven to me over and over that He never stops singing the song of his unconditional, faithful, and real love.  Nothing lifts my heart and lightens the weight of burdens on my back like the sound of the breathtaking, soaring melody of God’s song as He sings it over me.  When I do hear it, I’m reminded of my place in his family and his heart.  I’m reminded of the undeserved grace He’s given me.  I’m reminded of all that I should be thankful for.

In Zephaniah 3:17 it says,

For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

In these last few weeks I’ve heard Him clearly – loud, triumphant, a fierce love in His voice that is unmistakable.  It bowls me over and then lifts me up.  He really is delighted to lavishly love us and take care of us, to save us.  He really does sing over our lives without ceasing, sometimes faintly and tenderly, sometimes strong.

I hear Him singing…

Jealous God

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I remember hearing years ago about Oprah’s turning away from mainline Christian faith into her confusing mixture of new age beliefs.  She was sitting in church and heard the preacher say something about God being a jealous God.  She thought to herself that if God was jealous of her, what kind of insecure god is that?  She ventured away from traditional views of God and into a nebulous tangle of self-deifying thinking.

I think she misunderstood.  I agree that the word jealous usually has negative connotations.  I was taught growing up that it’s not good to be jealous.  Someone should have told Oprah that God isn’t jealous of her as if He wants to be her, He is jealous of her attention.  He wants her heart and life to be centered on Him and not other things or people.

I caught a glimpse of what this means tonight.  I have these revelations in the oddest places in the strangest timing sometimes.  I was standing in a concert enjoying beautiful, awesome worship music with thousands of other enthusiastic people when I got clearer understanding about this.

I have some hurt over people in my life who have held me at arm’s length or refused my initiations at love or interaction.  When I see them react positively to others and not to me, I feel jealous.  I want that attention and love.  I felt God say that is how He has felt with me lately.

I have allowed myself to get caught up in busyness for a while now.  I’ve been restless and my prayer times have been short and kind of perfunctory.  I know that what I need and really want most is that nearness to God but I keep allowing other things take my attention and time away.  I don’t understand why I do it either and have felt very frustrated with myself.

Tonight I heard God tell me that He’s a jealous God and He wants my attention.  He doesn’t want me to hold Him at arm’s length, saying “later, God” or “I need to do this first” or “I want to give my attention to this instead.”

Can He forgive me for the fourteen-millionth time?  He said “Yes.”

Tonight at the concert Louie Giglio reminded us that extravagant worship happens when we are faced with God’s extravagant grace.  I fully agree.  When I remember my place and what God has done for me, His mercy and patience extended to me over and over again, the only reaction I can give with full sincerity is thankfulness and worship.

I prayed that the other relationship I long to have restored will be someday, but also that I will be thankful I have a jealous God who even notices I’m alive, much less wants me to spend time with Him and live in close relationship with Him.

9:57

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All I hear is the quiet hum of my computer and the steady purring of Rocky, the wonder cat, who just jumped into my lap and has now made himself comfortable resting his head on my arm.  I feel warm and dry while I hear wind blowing outside.  The walls are pretty bare, boxes everywhere, shelves empty.  It looks like someone’s moving or something.

While I sit here, at times I lean back and rest my head on the tall back of this old desk chair, trying to remember all those things I wanted to blog about during this week but never had the time.  Something about all the “lasts” of moving, how once you know you’re moving you start naming lasts:  this is the last time I eat here, the last time I see this friend, the last time I visit my hairstylist…last day of work and school…last rent payment…some of the lasts are kind of exciting but many of them are a little sad.

Of course there are firsts waiting for us in a few days.  Lots of those will be fun but some will be stressful and probably approached with some trepidation on our part:  first day at a new job or school, first time to visit a new doctor or dentist, first time at our new church, first time to live in a parsonage and have enough space to house a small army…first time to move to a new church without all three girls in tow…It’s all rather bittersweet.

It seems if the “lasts” take too long it begins to drain emotional energy and hurt, kind of like taking a band-aid off verrry slowly.  Part of you wants to just count to three, grit your teeth, and rip it off really fast.  There’s a sting but it’s over and done.

The overwhelming emotion in my heart hasn’t been sadness, though, it’s been thankfulness.  A thankfulness that is so overwhelming I can’t really describe it or express it.  A big chunk of that thankfulness is for people – the people in our life and the lives of our daughters.  God truly meant it when he said it wasn’t good for man, or any of us, to be alone and so he made lots of people and intends for us to travel this narrow path together.  It’s such a fantastic adventure and so much more satisfying when shared.

I’m thankful that God is so skilled at laying out plans and putting odd-shaped and broken pieces together that we look back over this year of what felt like turmoil and exhaustion and now see beauty, renewal, and promise.

It’s so nice and quiet, my eyes are getting heavy and I know I should go to bed.  Each night and day I find us closer to the end of the “lasts” with a faint glimpse of “firsts” up ahead.  In my mind a tug of war is being played, an eagerness mixed in with hesitancy, an odd in between, a tiredness.  I hear my pillow calling me to come and shut down for the night.  I’ll lay down, close my eyes, and sleep in peace knowing God’s keeping watch and He has everything under control.

At day’s end I’m ready for sound sleep,
For you, God, have put my life back together.  Psalm 4:8 The Msg

You are more

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define (verb) – 1. to state precisely the meaning of   2. to describe the nature, properties, or essential qualities of   3. to determine the boundary of extent of

Now that it’s been over seven years since I was declared cancer-free, not as many of my current friends know I’m a breast cancer survivor.  It was a big, glaring part of my life in 2003 when I was diagnosed and for several years afterward but then began to fade from the forefront of my thoughts.

I received lots of thoughtful and encouraging notes and cards from friends during my recovery from surgery but one that still stands out in my mind was from a friend I hadn’t heard from in years.  This friend had also battled cancer so her words carried extra weight.  The phrase she wrote that stood out like neon lights was Continue reading →