Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

Losers, part II

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My friend, JJ, and I sat in Bible study together a few nights ago during which we discussed the woman at the well (hence my earlier post after more thought and reflection).  When we were asked if we’d ever felt like the outcast I leaned over to her and whispered, “7th grade afro year.  Oh yeah.”  We laughed, then I said, “I would go to the cafeteria after the cool kids left and Jesus was sitting there one day.”  Then JJ said, “Did he ask you for some of your tater tots and then say, ‘If you knew who was asking you you’d ask Him for the everlasting tater tots…’ ” to which I tried to stifle a laugh and almost snorted.  Why is it when you’re not supposed to laugh it’s so hard not to?  It made my day.

Sometimes it helps me to think of the stories in the Bible in modern-day terms.  Sometimes not.  🙂

Snippets

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Just a few recent thoughts…

Last week I went through an awful day of emotion and wrestling with God over the possibility of going to a town or church where I didn’t want to go, where I didn’t think I would be happy, where it wasn’t my “style.”  As I vented to him all the way driving to work, I pretty much heard him say, “So, are you saying you refuse to go if I ask you to go there?  You refuse to obey?”  I remembered that if God’s promises are true, and I believe they are, then going where He says to go will be good in the long run because He promised He has good plans for me and my family.  I also remembered, with his help, that this is not about me!  How many times do I have to learn that lesson?  Sheesh.  I’m sure that is what He is wondering, too.  Just when I think I’ve learned all about surrender, God takes me to a deeper level.  It hurts and it’s hard.  It was a difficult, emotional day but it ended in peace when I finally, in my heart, submitted to Him and said “Uncle” once more.  Whatever you say, God.  Seriously.  I give.   I joked with a good friend that afternoon that sometimes surrender feels like the “S” word to me.  I don’t mean that disrespectfully, just being honest.  Sometimes it stinks (at least it seems to at the moment).  My friend asked, “so what you’re telling me is you’re standing in a big pile of surrender right now?”  We laughed really hard and the day got better from there.

I’ve been thinking more about loving people in their own love language.  Lately God’s been showing me how to love my girls in the way that shows love to them the most.  I’m still trying to figure out one of my girls – I think I know but am not sure.  The other two – I’ve got them nailed.  John and I took assessments this past year and one was the love language profile.  One of my big love languages right now is “acts of service”.  When someone helps me with something it makes me feel loved.  I also love hugs and attention and words of affirmation but at this point in my life, acts of service speak loud and clear.  Once John found out, he’s been helping more around the house and showing more thoughtfulness…and you know what?  It’s true!  I feel so loved and valued by him, more than before.  The biggest reason is that I know he’s doing those things purposefully to show me love, knowing it means something to me.  John’s biggest love languages are touch and time.  I’ve been trying harder to pay attention to him when we’re at home and not get too absorbed in the computer or other things that I just exist in the same house or room with him.   What are the love languages of the special people in your life?  Try to find out and then show them love that way.  Watch what happens!

Yesterday I blogged about this wonderful time of rest God is giving us and how good it felt.  Well, today, I felt restless and kind of weird.  Pesky, fickle emotions!  I think sometimes we rest out of obedience.  God actually tells us to rest and we need to obey, on purpose, and rest…be still.  I feel like He’s telling me that today.  Rest, be still, but don’t just sit there…draw nearer to me, Mimi.  I’m going to work on that.  Wait…wrong choice of words.   I’m going to try more intentionally to just be close, dwell near and in Jesus right now.

What funny, odd, silly creatures we humans are sometimes.

We went to see my grandma on Sunday afternoon.  She was actually pretty perky, sitting up in bed, watching TV.  Rather than greet us when we got there she first asked, “What channel is the game on?”  So we helped her get on the right channel.  She is starting to show some dementia because she asks the same questions from time to time.  She joked about getting her phone and remote (both laying next to her hand on her bed) mixed up and John teased her about pointing the phone at the TV by mistake and accidentally calling someone.  She laughed.  At one point she said, “Too bad I don’t have any games we could play” to which I replied, “That’s okay, Grandma, we’ll just watch the game.”  Then she asked us about our church situation (very coherent and sharp).  John answered her as she turned back toward the TV and seemed to zone out for a moment.  Then she said, “Too bad I won’t have any games for us to play, we could make one up” to which I replied, giggling to myself, “That’s okay Grandma, we’ll just watch the game.”  I love her.  I could just imagine what kind of game that would be.  She’s become thinner and tinier, her blue cowl-neck sweater swallowing up her small shoulders and little frame, but she welcomed our hugs and kisses just as warmly and as we left said, “I love you.”

I better go to bed so I can get up and workout with my Wii coach on the game “Active” which is my new favorite thing.  This simulated personal trainer business reminds me of stuff I saw in Tomorrowland at Disney World when I was younger and thought “Yeah, right, that will never happen.”  🙂

You’re special and God loves you very much.  Good night.

Has it really been all about You, God?

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As I sat on the piano bench a few Sundays before our last Sunday at our church as pastors, I felt that nearness to God that often comes to me when I’m singing, making music, and leading worship with my friends.  There’s nothing like music to lift me into God’s presence, to remind me of how beautiful, holy and amazing He is, to open and soften my heart.  There is definitely nothing like music that enables me to express praise to God, to celebrate Him, to love Him.  It’s just the way my heart and soul are wired, I think.  Music is huge to me – always has been.  I wonder what the spiritual connection really is when we sing for and to God?  I believe God made singing/playing music spiritual and not just pleasing to the ears.

As I sat on the piano bench that Sunday a sadness crept up and over me as I realized this time of leading and singing with these particular friends and in this way was about over.  Even as we sang, my heart was praying, “God, I don’t want to give this up.  Continue reading →

Green Pasture

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Life has definitely taken a turn, things are dramatically different for us as a family.  It’s hard to let go of something familiar, something you love, but now it is actually freeing to take our hands off and back away.  We need some space but have such a mixture of feelings:  love for friends but the need for our hearts to move on from a chapter God’s finished writing for us.  We watch Him turn the page with some sadness, reflection, and fondness.   It was a chapter wrought with change, quite a bit of stress and challenge, but also growth, much love and joy.  Toward the end of it, some of the characters God had written in affirmed us and let us know that what we had been and done in these last few years made a difference.   I hope many of those characters will also appear in the next chapters as we watch our life story keep unfolding, as God writes it one page at a time.

I was sharing with my mom how I was intent on staying close to these friends, keeping in touch, not letting things fade away.  She understood but said, “be careful.”  At first her words hurt a little – why would it be bad to stay close with these special people who had become so important to me?  Continue reading →

Life on the Vine

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I heard a message recently on John chapter 15, where Jesus talks about being the Vine, while we are the branches.  If we want to survive and bear fruit we have to remain attached to Him, to the Vine.   The pastor shared a story from the book “Secrets of the Vine” by Bruce Wilkinson.  The author, Bruce, went to a vineyard to get a better understanding of how gardeners care for their vineyards to bring about the best results – lots of fruit for wine.  As Bruce and the owner of the vineyard walked through the rows of huge, twisty, lush vine branches, Bruce noticed some of the branches down low were not as green or healthy and were without any fruit.  “Are those the ones you cut off because they’re not bearing fruit?” he asked, thinking of the verse that said God would do that very thing – cut off any branches who aren’t producing what they were made to produce.  The vineyard owner said, “No, these are often not bearing because they’re not receiving enough sunlight.  Sometimes they’ve become pressed down or covered up in mud because they’re near the ground.  We tie them up high so they’ll be able to drink in the sunlight – to see if they will become fruitful.”

The greek word used in John 15:2 where it says “cut off” is “airei” which can mean “taking away” but also “lifting”.  That sheds a whole new light on this parable for me.  I’ve had trouble in the past reconciling the wrathful, seemingly short-tempered God of most of the Old Testament with the loving, merciful God of the New Testament.  In reading some stories in the Old I find myself thinking, “How could this be the same God? Continue reading →

You should be able to see right through me

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Transparent, candid, forthright, frank, open, unambiguous, obvious, understandable, out in the open…

I think of myself as pretty transparent, even though the only one who completely sees through me is God.  I believe in being vulnerable and honest, what I’d like for people to be with me.  Many friends and some strangers who have read my blog posts over the years have told me the reason they like to read them is because they can relate to what I’m saying, to some struggle I’m describing, or some flaw I’m bemoaning.  It’s a connecting point for people to feel someone else has been in their shoes, is questioning something, or is having problems – they’re not alone.

Opening up is risky.  One time I was venting some frustrations (and probably held grudges if I’m really being honest) about a congregation where we served and some of the people who caused trouble there.  I was a little too free with my thoughts and emotions because I offended someone who had once attended there.  They saw my blog (oops) and let me know.  Humbling to say the least!  Perhaps there are some feelings or thoughts that are better spilled out only into God’s hands.

I think there are varying levels of transparency, depending on the situation and the people involved.  I can be completely transparent with my sister, my mom, and a close friend or two and know they won’t judge me but will listen and love me no matter what.  That’s a blessing!  I don’t suppose everyone has people like that they can trust.

What keeps us from opening up?  Continue reading →

I’m looking for Jesus

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The angel said to them, “Good news! The Messiah is finally here, bringing peace and hope that’s for everyone.  Here He is, we’ve mysteriously teleported you to the location and stood you directly in front of him.  See?  Just look down.  There he is!”

No wait, rewind…let’s try that again.   The angel said to them, “Good news!  The Messiah is finally here, bringing peace and hope that’s for everyone.  To find him, go look for a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths, having been laid in a feeding trough.”

I remember reading through a devotional book years ago that instructed me to daily look for ways God was present in my day, in the life of my family and those around me.  I was looking for something He did every day, some answer to prayer – big or small, something that reminded me of Him or showed me in a fresh way how amazing, beautiful, powerful or creative He is.  Purposefully looking was the key; every day I had at least one thing I could write in my journal and when I looked back over the list later I was so encouraged to remember how God had been so near, so faithful, so good.

In the book “The Last Battle” in the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, it is the end of the age and an epic struggle takes place between those who have held to the truth and still believe in Aslan (aka God) and those who have been misled into following a false god.  The final conflict of the story takes place in the dark of night around a campfire that crackles in front of a dingy stable.  Somehow, as the prince and children in the story, dwarves, centaurs, talking animals and all were tussling and battling, Continue reading →

Don’t bother me, I’m busy waiting

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John preached about waiting this past Sunday.  It was a good, encouraging message and full of truth.  Why is it that some days it’s relatively easy to wait and trust that God is doing something even though I can’t see anything happening and other days, like today, the waiting becomes a heavy weight pressing down on my heart, squeezing out tears?

I’ve blogged about waiting many times, encouraged others about it.  Today I’m not feeling it.  I confessed to God and He listened….at least it seemed like He did.  It seems in long, drawn-out times of waiting trusting is a monumental feat, like running uphill at the end of your workout, legs becoming like lead and heart pounding as if it would jump out and run down the street by itself.

Waiting_____by_angelreichIn my waiting, I did hear God caution me, “Don’t get too focused on yourself or start feeling sorry for yourself.”  I don’t want to do that.  I do have to be honest with Him about the way I feel.  Lunch with my hubby, who was also a bit down today, was a good idea.  We visited about other things and enjoyed a hot lunch on a chilly, windy day.  Getting a few messages from loving Christian friends saying they understand and are praying for us definitely helped.  Amazing how those small things make such a big difference.  I guess you could say they are emotional endorphins that help me keep going through the fatigue.  A call from my oldest daughter who was happily leaving a really good job interview lifted my spirits.  When she’s feeling especially good or loving towards me she often calls me “Momma.”  As she said goodbye, she also said “I love you, Momma.”  Oh my.  My heart just filled up with love.  Thank you, God.  Such little things that do such wonders for me.  You are there, aren’t You?

Forgive my cynicism.  It seems to be trying to creep up and cover me more and more these days as the time drags on and we wait for answers in so many areas of our life.  I absolutely love the book of Psalms in the Bible.  It has to be my favorite.  I think the heart God gave me to worship him is drawn to the honesty found in its short chapters.  If David was a man after God’s own heart and he got away with such blatant honesty, then it must be okay for me too!  I found this verse today and don’t remember reading it before, even though I’ve read through all the Psalms a number of times:

“I am worn out waiting for your rescue, but I have put my hope in your word. My eyes are straining to see your promises come true. When will you comfort me?” Psalm 119:81-82 NLT

I could so easily pray that prayer today.  God I am worn out waiting!  I am tired and sad.  I am frustrated!   I realize that I’ve still been holding onto and hoping in the outcomes I come up with myself, the possibilities that I think are good endings.  I can see that to truly hope ONLY in You, I have to let go of ALL of that.  You’ve brought me to a new level of surrender and it’s hard, Papa.  My hope truly is ONLY in You.  I have nothing else.  You are my sustainer, my Father, my friend, my healer, my guide.  I trust You.  I just need you to hold me up as each step right now takes great effort.

My hope is in You.  You are worthy of praise.  I’m so eager for You to do something I can testify about.  My eyes are straining to see You keep your promises to me, O God!  When?!  Can You hear me?

In passing

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I’ve not had time to really sit down and think about writing lately.  I wish I did – I love to do it and it helps me process what’s going on inside.  It might help if I jot down a few things going through my pea brain the last few days.

  • My grandmother is in the skilled unit of her assisted living facility now.  She had pneumonia and spent a few days in the hospital and it took a toll on her.  Her 95 1/2 year old body seems tinier to me now, her voice softer, her eyes much heavier and sleepier.  I feel the need to go see her often and get in as many kisses on that soft cheek of hers that I can.  I wish we could just talk and visit but she is so weak and drowsy.
  • I’ve never had to live day by day in all aspects of my life as much as I am now:  spiritually, emotionally, financially.  I take comfort in the fact that God has never let me down and each day I have what I need and more.  I don’t know for sure what’s up tomorrow but I find as I take each step, send up each prayer, carry out what I know to do to take care of my family and try to stay close to God that I’m making it!  Yes it’s hard, but God is faithful.  I have my down days but mostly peaceful ones – especially when I honestly cry out to Him (pretty much every morning on the way to work) and share the heavies weighing on my heart.  He welcomes me in love and helps me shoulder the heavies.   Why does He care?  Why does He love?  This leads me to the next thought that’s been churning around in my head: Continue reading →

In the Storm and After

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A close friend of mine wrote these words and sent them to me today.  They were a fresh breeze over my wilting hope.  I wanted to share them with you:

This past weekend, we went to Biloxi to my cousin’s wedding. It was such a beautiful time and my heart is so full from seeing everyone and spending time with family. Another cousin, who recently moved to the area, shared that according to the Postal Service, there are 28,000 addresses along that beach that no longer have service after Katrina. My parents are one of those address statistics. During the 10+ years they lived there, we visited my parents multiple times a year. It was a home away from home for us and all of my siblings. I have been down there three times now post Katrina. The first time was 6 weeks after the storm to help my parents clear away debris and search for anything of value to them. The second time was Christmas 2007, two years after, when my brothers and their families and my family all met there with my parents for the holidays. And with this visit, I come away healed even more and aware that God continues to carry out His plans for us. We were an absolutely joyous family this weekend. The initial sadness, which was great, is gone. I remember vividly how violent and traumatic the experience was for my parents. Continue reading →