Category Archives: Realizations & Ponderings

Self-explanatory

You should be able to see right through me

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Transparent, candid, forthright, frank, open, unambiguous, obvious, understandable, out in the open…

I think of myself as pretty transparent, even though the only one who completely sees through me is God.  I believe in being vulnerable and honest, what I’d like for people to be with me.  Many friends and some strangers who have read my blog posts over the years have told me the reason they like to read them is because they can relate to what I’m saying, to some struggle I’m describing, or some flaw I’m bemoaning.  It’s a connecting point for people to feel someone else has been in their shoes, is questioning something, or is having problems – they’re not alone.

Opening up is risky.  One time I was venting some frustrations (and probably held grudges if I’m really being honest) about a congregation where we served and some of the people who caused trouble there.  I was a little too free with my thoughts and emotions because I offended someone who had once attended there.  They saw my blog (oops) and let me know.  Humbling to say the least!  Perhaps there are some feelings or thoughts that are better spilled out only into God’s hands.

I think there are varying levels of transparency, depending on the situation and the people involved.  I can be completely transparent with my sister, my mom, and a close friend or two and know they won’t judge me but will listen and love me no matter what.  That’s a blessing!  I don’t suppose everyone has people like that they can trust.

What keeps us from opening up?  Continue reading →

I’m looking for Jesus

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The angel said to them, “Good news! The Messiah is finally here, bringing peace and hope that’s for everyone.  Here He is, we’ve mysteriously teleported you to the location and stood you directly in front of him.  See?  Just look down.  There he is!”

No wait, rewind…let’s try that again.   The angel said to them, “Good news!  The Messiah is finally here, bringing peace and hope that’s for everyone.  To find him, go look for a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths, having been laid in a feeding trough.”

I remember reading through a devotional book years ago that instructed me to daily look for ways God was present in my day, in the life of my family and those around me.  I was looking for something He did every day, some answer to prayer – big or small, something that reminded me of Him or showed me in a fresh way how amazing, beautiful, powerful or creative He is.  Purposefully looking was the key; every day I had at least one thing I could write in my journal and when I looked back over the list later I was so encouraged to remember how God had been so near, so faithful, so good.

In the book “The Last Battle” in the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, it is the end of the age and an epic struggle takes place between those who have held to the truth and still believe in Aslan (aka God) and those who have been misled into following a false god.  The final conflict of the story takes place in the dark of night around a campfire that crackles in front of a dingy stable.  Somehow, as the prince and children in the story, dwarves, centaurs, talking animals and all were tussling and battling, Continue reading →

Don’t bother me, I’m busy waiting

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John preached about waiting this past Sunday.  It was a good, encouraging message and full of truth.  Why is it that some days it’s relatively easy to wait and trust that God is doing something even though I can’t see anything happening and other days, like today, the waiting becomes a heavy weight pressing down on my heart, squeezing out tears?

I’ve blogged about waiting many times, encouraged others about it.  Today I’m not feeling it.  I confessed to God and He listened….at least it seemed like He did.  It seems in long, drawn-out times of waiting trusting is a monumental feat, like running uphill at the end of your workout, legs becoming like lead and heart pounding as if it would jump out and run down the street by itself.

Waiting_____by_angelreichIn my waiting, I did hear God caution me, “Don’t get too focused on yourself or start feeling sorry for yourself.”  I don’t want to do that.  I do have to be honest with Him about the way I feel.  Lunch with my hubby, who was also a bit down today, was a good idea.  We visited about other things and enjoyed a hot lunch on a chilly, windy day.  Getting a few messages from loving Christian friends saying they understand and are praying for us definitely helped.  Amazing how those small things make such a big difference.  I guess you could say they are emotional endorphins that help me keep going through the fatigue.  A call from my oldest daughter who was happily leaving a really good job interview lifted my spirits.  When she’s feeling especially good or loving towards me she often calls me “Momma.”  As she said goodbye, she also said “I love you, Momma.”  Oh my.  My heart just filled up with love.  Thank you, God.  Such little things that do such wonders for me.  You are there, aren’t You?

Forgive my cynicism.  It seems to be trying to creep up and cover me more and more these days as the time drags on and we wait for answers in so many areas of our life.  I absolutely love the book of Psalms in the Bible.  It has to be my favorite.  I think the heart God gave me to worship him is drawn to the honesty found in its short chapters.  If David was a man after God’s own heart and he got away with such blatant honesty, then it must be okay for me too!  I found this verse today and don’t remember reading it before, even though I’ve read through all the Psalms a number of times:

“I am worn out waiting for your rescue, but I have put my hope in your word. My eyes are straining to see your promises come true. When will you comfort me?” Psalm 119:81-82 NLT

I could so easily pray that prayer today.  God I am worn out waiting!  I am tired and sad.  I am frustrated!   I realize that I’ve still been holding onto and hoping in the outcomes I come up with myself, the possibilities that I think are good endings.  I can see that to truly hope ONLY in You, I have to let go of ALL of that.  You’ve brought me to a new level of surrender and it’s hard, Papa.  My hope truly is ONLY in You.  I have nothing else.  You are my sustainer, my Father, my friend, my healer, my guide.  I trust You.  I just need you to hold me up as each step right now takes great effort.

My hope is in You.  You are worthy of praise.  I’m so eager for You to do something I can testify about.  My eyes are straining to see You keep your promises to me, O God!  When?!  Can You hear me?

In passing

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I’ve not had time to really sit down and think about writing lately.  I wish I did – I love to do it and it helps me process what’s going on inside.  It might help if I jot down a few things going through my pea brain the last few days.

  • My grandmother is in the skilled unit of her assisted living facility now.  She had pneumonia and spent a few days in the hospital and it took a toll on her.  Her 95 1/2 year old body seems tinier to me now, her voice softer, her eyes much heavier and sleepier.  I feel the need to go see her often and get in as many kisses on that soft cheek of hers that I can.  I wish we could just talk and visit but she is so weak and drowsy.
  • I’ve never had to live day by day in all aspects of my life as much as I am now:  spiritually, emotionally, financially.  I take comfort in the fact that God has never let me down and each day I have what I need and more.  I don’t know for sure what’s up tomorrow but I find as I take each step, send up each prayer, carry out what I know to do to take care of my family and try to stay close to God that I’m making it!  Yes it’s hard, but God is faithful.  I have my down days but mostly peaceful ones – especially when I honestly cry out to Him (pretty much every morning on the way to work) and share the heavies weighing on my heart.  He welcomes me in love and helps me shoulder the heavies.   Why does He care?  Why does He love?  This leads me to the next thought that’s been churning around in my head: Continue reading →

In the Storm and After

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A close friend of mine wrote these words and sent them to me today.  They were a fresh breeze over my wilting hope.  I wanted to share them with you:

This past weekend, we went to Biloxi to my cousin’s wedding. It was such a beautiful time and my heart is so full from seeing everyone and spending time with family. Another cousin, who recently moved to the area, shared that according to the Postal Service, there are 28,000 addresses along that beach that no longer have service after Katrina. My parents are one of those address statistics. During the 10+ years they lived there, we visited my parents multiple times a year. It was a home away from home for us and all of my siblings. I have been down there three times now post Katrina. The first time was 6 weeks after the storm to help my parents clear away debris and search for anything of value to them. The second time was Christmas 2007, two years after, when my brothers and their families and my family all met there with my parents for the holidays. And with this visit, I come away healed even more and aware that God continues to carry out His plans for us. We were an absolutely joyous family this weekend. The initial sadness, which was great, is gone. I remember vividly how violent and traumatic the experience was for my parents. Continue reading →

Get busy and wait

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I’m becoming a waiting pro.  I’ve had much experience, especially in the last 3 years of my life: waiting on answers to prayers, waiting on direction, waiting to become more like Jesus (I’m pretty sure that’s gonna last my whole life), waiting to see the plans God has for my daughters.  Waiting is a big part of everyday life anyway:  waiting at the doctor’s office, standing in line at the grocery, in traffic, on friends who are meeting us for lunch or coffee, for fun holiday family get-togethers, for vacations, on test results, for news from a job interview, for a newborn baby to arrive…it goes on and on.

Since it is such a part of life why do I become irritated when I have to wait?  I think partly because it is a time when I have no control over the situation or the outcome.  I feel I should be doing something to help the process along, whatever that may be.  There are many things I can’t make happen any quicker than they are already happening.  It is out of my hands.

I got to see first-hand the beginnings of a house being built on Extreme Makeover Home Edition this week.  Continue reading →

Lean Into It

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What mother would say, after hours of exhausting labor, when she’s nearly ready to push the baby out into the world, “This is too much.  I’m giving up”?

What marathon runner would decide to sit down yards away from the finish line after enduring nearly 26 miles of roadway under their hot, tired feet?

What painter would visualize and paint for hours and then leave the painting unfinished, a portion of the canvas still white and empty?

If you’ve gone that far, you may as well keep going until you finish!  The mother definitely has to finish.  There’s no way that baby can stay inside of her and survive.  There’s no turning back once that process is begun.  The way she keeps going when she is weary or hurting is to think of the newborn baby she will soon hold, the joy of bringing a life into the world, the pride of surviving childbirth and joining the ranks of millions of women throughout history who have done the same thing.  When these thoughts surface in her heart she resolves to lean into it and get through to the end, to the wonderful result of seeing her new son or daughter.

A cancer patient braves harsh chemotherapy and radiation because they see through the nausea, tiredness and long days to the hope of being cancer-free, of killing all those unwanted cells and feeling healthy again.  Would they take a few treatments and then stop?  Continue reading →

Limbo

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Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.  Proverbs 3:5-6  The Message

“How low can you go?”

I can almost hear my Heavenly Father’s deep voice say this while signaling his two smiling angel helpers (we’ll call them Gabe & Mike) to lower the limbo bar as I shimmy under for another round.   I’ve never been very good at the limbo, not being very limber or skilled at bending my body completely backwards while continuing to walk.  You know, my knees and spine just don’t like it.  I marvel at the people who can practically lay back on an invisible board, gliding underneath the bar that’s inches from the floor.  That definitely won’t be me.  I’m trusting God knows how low I can go.  Of course, He has a record of showing me I can go farther or lower than I thought I could!

We’ve played the limbo at the girls’ birthday parties with their friends.  I much prefer the job of holding the limbo bar.  Continue reading →

I see hope and a bright future

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This morning as I awoke I saw the dim light of my alarm clock telling me it was time to get in the shower and get going.  My little cat gave a “good morning” meow as I stepped over him, walking to the bathroom.  I felt the hot water that soothed and awakened me at the same time, smelled the fresh scents of soap and shampoo.  My mind wandered as I stood there and I said a little prayer in my head for John and for our church family.  This would be a pivotal day for all of us.

I felt the chilly morning air on my face as we walked to the car.  I saw a beautiful blue sky and the warm array of trees in various shades of yellow-green, orange and bright red zipping by my window as we drove along.  My mind wandered to my church family again so I said another prayer, “God protect them, guide them, encourage them.”

When I walked into the church building, I heard the cheerful little voice of Nate, the 2-year-old son of my dear friend who was in the sanctuary finishing up the PowerPoint slides for worship today.  “Hi Mimi, where’s Krissy?”  I heard the clinking of metal as John and I set up chairs for the service.  I felt a little hand on mine and Nate’s sweet voice again, “will you read this to me?” as he held up a toddler’s Bible story book.   What a nice way to begin the morning, holding him on my lap and reading about how God created the world, elephants, butterflies and all.  He had no idea what was going on in the lives of the grown-ups around him.  Sometimes I’d give anything to be a little child again!

I heard the laughter of the worship team as they greeted each other.  The sound of our voices blending together in praise soon filled the room, our hearts warming up along with our voices.  God is good.  We’re choosing to praise Him.  I could almost hear their hearts saying these things aloud.  I felt the familiar smooth keys of the piano under my fingers.  Continue reading →

mishmash

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Photo 270Time for an emptying of the mind from the last few days worth of ponderings and thoughts:

  • As I went through the drive-thru at McDonald’s the other morning before work I saw out of the corner of my eye a brilliant sunrise, deep pinks, red and purple tinged clouds spread wide.  I thought to myself, “that will be so pretty to drive toward” as I paused a moment to fix up my burritos and get situated before heading down the road.  I pulled out of the parking lot and looked up to see only gray clouds and blandly-colored sunlight.  What?!  Where did it go?  It was so beautiful but so fleeting.  I would have missed it completely had I not noticed it just at the right moment.  I was sad I didn’t get to see it fully in the wide open.  I think oftentimes God is at work and I don’t notice, maybe because it is a fleeting seemingly small thing, or something I’d have to be purposefully watching for to enjoy.  In Isaiah God said, “I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?”  (Isaiah 43:19  NLT) I want to see the beautiful things, big or small, that God is doing all around me.  I have to be watching.
  • At a time when I probably should be concerned or trying to figure out what will happen next, I have complete peace.  This is only because of God!  I’m enjoying it.  I think the desperate feelings I’ve had the last month or so have given way to it, because I’ve been pressing hard into my Father.  I’ve been as needy for him as I would be for air if I were held under water.   Corrie Ten Boom is one of my favorite writers and she is credited with this great quote, “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”  Choosing to trust lately has been one of the hardest things I’ve done but it has brought me to a place of peace, a place of really trusting the engineer even in complete darkness or thick fog. Continue reading →